On Rape/Sexual Assault Tropes in Muslim Communities – An Islamic Response (Part II)

Editorial Note: TRIGGER WARNING – This article contains explicit stories of sexual assault and trauma. This is part two of a two-part series on rape culture and sexual abuse within Muslim communities and will focus on other arguments used to blame victims as well as examining these arguments from the Islamic standpoint. Part one debunks common false statements often given to excuse or ignore sexual abuse and trauma. Also, the terms “victim” and “survivor” are both used in this piece at the discretion of the person who was relating their story of sexual trauma.

Rape culture isn’t limited to a Muslims nor does it manifest in the same ways in Muslim (or religions) and non-Muslim communities. Each culture and society has certain factors unique to them that contribute to an overall toxic and dangerous environment when it comes to sexual violence. Some attitudes, however are common across communities. The end result, is a deeply painful one: A society in which sexual violence continues to take place, often without consequences, due to the stigma and taboo surrounding the matter as well as its normalization.

In Muslim communities there are certain tropes that are perpetuated by many to excuse (or even justify) sexual violence — some in the guise of religiosity and some as solely cultural. We will continue to examine these tropes, read more stories from victims and consider an Islamic response to these beliefs.

“A woman’s honor lies in her virginity.”

No individual’s “honor” or value as a person or as a Muslim lies in their virginity. While chastity is a value that is deeply important in Islam, it applies to men and women. The Quran speaks highly of believers who maintain their chastity, both within and outside of marriage.

The concept of virginity, however, as held by many people, is not one which has an Islamic basis. The physical state of virginity (i.e. of a person who has not had any sexual interactions before) is praiseworthy for both the Muslim man and women, who have withheld from sexual relationships before marriage. However, virginity can also cease to exist due to factors outside of a person’s control, such as rape. Thus, there is no Islamic evidence to state that any individual’s honor is dependent upon their virginity, or that they lose that honor upon ceasing to be virgins.

Rather, the honor of any individual, man or woman lies in their mere existence as human beings, and in particular, as believers. A woman’s ‘izzah is not stripped away simply because someone violated the sanctity of her body; nor does any boy or man who has been raped or sexually attacked lose their honor.

Verily the most honourable of you in the sight of Allah is (the one who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things). (Quran 49:13)

Thus, it is very clearly established that honor lies solely in one’s connection to Allah and not upon unjust standards created by human beings.

“Men and boys can’t be raped.”

This myth is a crippling one, yet is incredibly pervasive amongst both non-Muslims as well as Muslims. The truth is that boys and men are also victims of sexual violence; statistics show that males experience rates of sexual violence roughly equal to women.

Men and boys are just as vulnerable to predators. While currently available records show that at least one in sixteen men and boys have been the victims of sexual assault or rape, the sad truth is that male victims often face even greater stigma than female victims do and thus under-report significantly.

The Muslim community is not immune to this; Muslim boys and men are also victims of sexual assault and violence.

It was my first job at the masjid. My responsibility was to teach the kids after school on secular subjects regarding math and reading. The community I’m from is filled with old men with an urge to assualt and sexually molest little kids.

From the time I was in Sunday school learning Quran I have witnessed teachers sexually touch girls while teaching them how to pray, groping their behind while trying to make their back straight going into ruku and even “accidently falling on them.” These type of people are very common in our community, and when community leaders do this it is very disturbing. Leaders who lead prayer and give khutbah are the rapists who got away with their evil acts. A few years ago a man was caught in the basement of our neighborhood trying to rape a little girl. He is now in prison. The evidence was recorded. If it wasn’t, I’m pretty sure he would have gotten away and still continue his rampage destroying the minds of young boys and girls.

Consider this story:

I was 14 when I got my first job at the masjid. The mu’azin, who was a perverted old man, came to me regarding help on his citizenship test. As a employee of the masjid, I felt as if it was my job to help others who are also part of the masjid. So, after teaching the kids with their homework, I would go to his office to help him with his work. The problem with rapists is that they like to use every chance to get to know you and lure you in to their actions.

Every day when I went, I would notice that he would look at me a certain way and have little focus on what I would say. He would stare at me with his eyes lit up with a perverted smile. I didn’t take this seriously, as I was 14 and well capable of defending myself. The night that threw me off was the day I cut off any relation with this man. He asked me to grab the Quran from his bed, but I refused as I was not comfortable going into his bed. As I was trying to leave, he tried to jump on me. Disgusted, I threw him off me and left. Any other move, he would have been knocked out cold with a broken nose. Since it was the masjid, I tried to keep it cool. He then called me and was trying to offer payment. The payment was not in money but a BANANA.

I let go of his actions, thinking that he would change. I was wrong of that . He later got fired for getting caught sexually molesting a child.

If I had spoken up earlier to any member of the committee, that could have been avoided. That other child could have been saved from the trauma of sexual abuse.

What I have learned through my experience is that staying silent because of fear will only create more trouble for the future. Allowing men to get away with these types of actions makes room for more assaults in the future.” (male victim)

“Only men sexually assault women.”

Another misconception is that only men commit violations of a sexual nature, and too often the focus on preventing sexual crimes tends to hone in on on women wearing hijab and avoiding non-Mahram men.

However, women, too, are capable of such vile actions towards male and female victims.Thirty-five percent of male victims of rape or sexual assault reported female perpetrators; many women also experienced sexual violence at the hands of other women.

It was the summer of 2004. I had just finished up my first year of middle school and was looking forward to the seventh grade. During vacation, my mother, sister and I took a trip to Pakistan. I was 12 years old.

Prior to visiting my family overseas, we would all keep in touch via phone calls. I had a set of cousins who I would routinely talk to. The last time we met was in 2000, so I was looking forward to seeing them all again. I was particularly looking forward to seeing my cousin Alia again. I didn’t have an older sister and she was the next best thing.

Alia changed. She was always tense and very policing. The things that we enjoyed were all of a sudden bad or wrong in her eyes. Every other word that came out of her mouth was a criticism of how I carried myself. I laughed too loudly, I didn’t sit properly, my hair was always down and uncovered, my clothes fit too tight. She mocked me because I had not finished the Quran yet and would constantly ask, “Are you even a Muslim?” or “Do you even believe in Allah?”

One day while I was talking to her brother Daniyal, she barked at me to come in the kitchen. She yelled at me before for talking to him, so I was expecting another scolding. She told me that she wanted to be my friend again and was only harsh because I was a growing girl in need of discipline. She said that I needed to be worthy enough to become her friend again.

One night, as we were all getting ready for bed (I shared a room with my sister and mom during our stay), Alia entered and asked my mom if her and I can have a slumber party. I was never allowed to go to slumber parties back home so I got very excited when my mom said yes.

After entering Alia’s room, I rolled my sleeping bag out on the floor next to hers and we started talking about school. I remember telling her how much I missed her and wanted to have fun with her again

“I always enjoyed having slumber parties with my other cousins but they are too young to understand what we as women know. I am noticing that you are becoming a woman and there are things that you need to know now,” Alia told me.

She attempted to give me “the talk.” I was already aware of the basic mechanics of sex thanks to school, which is why I found her rendition rather comical. Everything she said was wrong, and to this day, I don’t know if she was serious or just making stuff up on purpose. She was 21-years-old, after all. Although I was weirded out by her, I didn’t find her actions threatening. During the day, she would continue to bark at me over everything I did.

The conversations that we had at night would always end up with her talking about sex. When she noticed me getting uncomfortable, she would get angry for not taking her lessons seriously and that I would make a terrible wife. I recall her telling me how I always need to wear sexy underwear, use tongue when I kiss, and regularly shave my body hair.

A few days passed, and [one morning] I woke up as her body was pressed up against me. She was spooning me from behind, and her hands were pressing my chest. I heard her moans in my ear. When I swatted her hand away, she got angry at me and claimed that I hated her. I ended up apologizing and let her sleep the way she wanted to. She insisted that I stroke her breasts, and I complied. This is the farthest it ever went.

The only people who know about these incidents are my close friends. I haven’t told anyone in my family as she is regarded as a respectable, religious woman (still unmarried). I can safely assume that her word will be trusted over mine. Occasionally, whenever I interact with her via Skype, she always tries to give me advice on religion and manners. I don’t take any of it seriously. (female victim)

“This is why women are supposed to stay indoors.”

Women are allowed to leave their homes. We are not obligated to remain indoors at all times, contrary to those who use the Prophetic statement that “women’s homes are better for them” as a way of keeping women controlled and restricted.

The Mothers of the Believers — the wives of RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and his female Companions — all lived their lives normally. They were not confined to their homes nor were they were not commanded to cloister themselves. As long as they observed hijab correctly, they not only left their homes but were actively engaged in the public sphere. Many female Companions ran their own businesses, were farmers, sold their wares in the marketplace, attended the masjid regularly and even joined the Messenger of Allah in jihad. He never prohibited the believing women of his time from leaving their homes, and, indeed, he warned others against forbidding women from attending the masjid.

When it comes to sexual assault, location is irrelevant. It can take place at home or in the street; in a masjid or a park; in a school or at a hospital. A victim should never be blamed for the crime committed against them.

I was 17-years-old, and it was my first umrah trip with my family. It was our first day in Madinah, and we had just come back from Dhuhr salah at the Haram. I was standing in the lobby of our hotel waiting for the lift. My mother and grandparents were with me, as well as some other people I didn’t know who were also waiting for the lift. I was laughing and chatting to my family, when suddenly I felt a hand gripping my buttocks, pinching and rubbing. It took about ten seconds for my brain to register what was happening and then to react, I was in such shock. As I turned around, the man was walking away and out of the hotel.

It happened so quickly that my family didn’t even see it. I started crying immediately.

A number of things that stand out to me about this event:

1) There were people standing around me who surely must have seen it, but didn’t say anything, didn’t try to stop the perpetrator or apprehend him.

2) This happened in this holy city of Madinah. The incident took my self confidence and my sense of security for the rest of the trip. It completely tainted my Umrah experience and led to many months of denial, anger and frustration regarding the toxic culture which plagues the Nabi (s.a.w)’s precious city.

3) when I told some people about this event, they simply said that this is Allah’s will, and He is simply testing my Eemaan. I found this deeply hurtful; it implies that Allah intended for me to go through this trauma. This contradicts my view of a loving, kind and merciful creator. What’s more is that statements like that strip the perpetrators of any responsibility or accountability, as it implies that they are not men with superiority complexes and deeply ingrained toxic masculinity that comes as a result of a patriarchal society, but rather pawns in Allah’s plan of trials and testing for the lives of innocent victims. (female victim)

“There’s no such thing as marital rape.”

The term “marital rape” is a heavily contested one, with many people claiming that there is no such thing in Islam. Regardless of what you want to call it, the mere act of physically forcing an unwilling individual, even if they are your spouse, into an unwanted sexual encounter — such that you are causing them physical, emotional and psychological harm — is completely wrong and sinful.

The hadith of “angels cursing” a wife who rejects her husband’s advances does not justify a man forcing himself upon his wife. Rather, it reinforces that fact that even in a circumstance where a woman refuses to engage in intimacy with her husband, without reason (illness, distress and numerous other factors are all considered to be legitimate reason), he cannot use force against her. Instead, he must console himself with the knowledge of the spiritual consequences for her decision. (It must also be noted that a husband who withholds intimacy from his wife, without legitimate reason, is also considered to be blameworthy.)

Scholars have noted that should a wife continue to withhold from intimacy, the recourse for the husband is to go to the appropriate Islamic legal authority and to seek a means of resolving the matter through them.

For more information regarding the Islamic understanding of marital rape, see here. At the end of the day, regardless of whether you are married to an individual or not, it is not permissible to force anyone into a sexual interaction.

“Someone who was raped is the same as someone who committed zina.”

There is a huge difference between someone who engaged in consensual, impermissible sexual intercourse with another willing party (called zina) and someone who was violated against their will.

The Hadd punishment for rape does not apply to the victim; the only person to be punished is the rapist. In some circumstances, such as if the rapist uses a weapon in any capacity, they may also be considered to fall under the crime of “terrorist,” a crime that incurs a far more severe Hadd punishment than merely lashing or stoning. Nor is a victim of rape obliged to produce four witnesses.

The belief that a victim of rape is equivalent to someone who engaged in zina is one borne of sheer ignorance and has devastating consequences for the innocent women and men who have been victimized. As it is, the psychological repercussions of rape are life-changing; to be accused of being complicit and even blameworthy for the violation is torturous. No one should ever accuse a victim of sexual violence of being responsible for what happened to them.

“These things didn’t happen at the time of the Prophet (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and his Companions. These things don’t happen to pious people.”

This is an example of religious naivete. Even in the time of RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), people were people. While there was incredible goodness amongst the earliest Muslims, there were also people who did commit sins. This included everything from alcoholism to theft to zina to, yes, rape.

Narrated Wa’il ibn Hujr:

When a woman went out in the time of the Prophet (ﷺ) for prayer, a man attacked her and overpowered (raped) her.

She shouted and he went off, and when a man came by, she said: “That (man) did such and such to me.” And when a company of the Emigrants came by, she said: “That man did such and such to me.”

They went and seized the man whom they thought had had intercourse with her and brought him to her.

She said: “Yes, this is he.” Then they brought him to the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ).

When he (the Prophet) was about to pass sentence, the man who (actually) had assaulted her stood up and said: “Messenger of Allah, I am the man who did it to her.”

He (the Prophet) said to her: “Leave, for Allah has forgiven you.” But he told the man some good words (Abu Dawud said: meaning the man who was seized), and of the man who had had intercourse with her, he said: “Stone him to death.”

This hadith alone is proof enough that even in the most sacred of cities, at the time of the Messenger of Allah himself, rape and sexual assault were crimes that existed. The difference, of course, is that RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) did not hesitate to deal with the matter immediately and appropriately.

Why Does This Happen? What Can We Do?

Sexual crimes are committed because — to put it very simplistically — the criminal has no fear of Allah. They also have no sense of conscience towards the person whom they have reduced to an object. They may have a sense of power over the victim, whether physical or social. Other factors, such as poverty, lack of education, the increasing prevalence of violent pornography, the normalization of hypersexualization and more also contribute to the sense of emboldenment and entitlement that abusers have.

There is, unfortunately, a great deal of ignorance and even wilful denial over the reality of rape and sexual assault — how it is perceived within the Shar’iah, how common it is in our communities, and how we should deal with it. Our role, as individuals and as a community, is to educate ourselves and our families and work to ensure that we neither perpetrate such crimes nor enable others in doing so.

As Muslims, we must be concerned with justice. We must be dedicated to upholding the rights of the vulnerable, eradicating these types of crimes and dealing with the perpetrators severely. We cannot afford to enable or protect these criminals — our Aakhirah is at stake. We must be willing to have uncomfortable conversations and discussions and even to engage in painful confrontations. Sadly, there are far too many abusers among lay people and those in positions of leadership in our communities. Far too many people would prefer to turn a blind eye to the existence of sexual assault and abuse.

Allah has commanded us to enjoin the good and forbid the evil; we are an Ummah sent to uphold His laws, to hold transgressors accountable, and to fight against oppression wherever it may be – whether it is political or social, from outside of our community or from within it.

Let there arise out of you a group of people inviting to all that is good, enjoining the good and forbidding evil. And it is they who are the successful. (Quran 3:104)

You are the best nation produced [as an example] for mankind. You enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and believe in Allah. (Quran 3:110)

The Trifecta of Rape Culture, Sexual Abuse, and the Muslim Community

Editorial Note: TRIGGER WARNING – This article contains explicit stories of sexual assault and trauma. This is part one of a two-part series on rape culture and sexual abuse within Muslim communities. Part one debunks common false statements often given to excuse or ignore sexual abuse and trauma. Part two of this series, coming next week, will look at other arguments used to blame victims, and the author will examine them from the Islamic standpoint. Also, the terms “victim” and “survivor” are both used in this piece at the discretion of the person who was relating their story of sexual trauma.

“Islam protects women from rape and sexual assault!” Too many Muslims buy into this line of thinking either out of naivete or ignorance; sometimes clueless and sometimes in denial of the painful realities and tragedies of sexual crime even in the Muslim Ummah.

“Rape culture” is a term that describes “an environment in which rape is prevalent and in which sexual violence against women is normalized and excused in the media and popular culture.  Rape culture is perpetuated through the use of misogynistic language, the objectification of women’s bodies, and the glamorization of sexual violence, thereby creating a society that disregards women’s rights and safety.”

Rape culture is not only harmful to women, but men as well. Due to many societal attitudes regarding gender and sexuality, men are also taught to internalize beliefs that contribute to the silencing of sexual assault and rape of boys and men. Ideas such as “men can’t be raped,” “speaking about abuse is weakness,” and so on have all led to the widespread silence surrounding the sexual violence perpetrated against boys and men.

And, contrary to widespread belief, “rape culture” does not solely exist in Western or non-Muslim societies. Unfortunately, many Muslim communities have deeply unhealthy and toxic attitudes regarding sexual violence and the victims thereof.

There are certain phrases in particular that are used to dismiss and belittle the experiences of survivors of sexual crimes. However, none of them reflect the Islamic ethos and attitude regarding such crimes nor do they justify the perpetration of such crimes. As Muslims, we should never think that there is ever an excuse for a person to violate another’s body.

Nonetheless, rape, sexual assault and sexual abuse do exist in the Muslim community, just as it exists in all other faith and race groups. Too many times, Muslims trot out the following series of statements about sexual assault and abuse, which are inherently false and misleading. For every claim, however, there is a much stronger rebuttal – one based on both facts and a deeper understanding of the Islamic perspective.

“If she just wore hijab/niqab, she wouldn’t get harassed or raped …”

This line, often uttered to dismiss cases of rape where the victims did not observe hijab, is one that is not only false, but completely fails to understand the true meaning, role and purpose of hijab.

No doubt, hijab is indeed an obligation in Islam; it is a command from Allah and should be observed by believing women[1]. There are Divine Wisdoms behind its obligation, and in some cases, it can deter a certain type of attention.

However, it is not a force field that physically prevents a rapist from raping his victim. Modest dressing cannot prevent rape or lewd behavior from the abuser. Nor should we ever expect a person whose heart and soul are so corrupted that they would dare to commit such a crime in the first place, to feel deterred merely by some extra layers of fabric. Numerous women have been sexually assaulted and raped while wearing their hijab.

One sister — a convert who wears the hijab and relied upon a small group of other Muslims to be her “community” — shared the following:

“… I thought it was weird for him to sit so close to me, but I didn’t really think anything of it. He’s a “good boy.” Prays five times a day. Ten years my senior and a PhD student at my university. Super intelligent. Calls his mother (who lives overseas) every day despite time zone differences. Meets all the markers of a good person. But I don’t think I’ve ever been alone with him before this.

We were just talking, he paused and pulled me on top of him. Suddenly I was laying on him, and he was holding me against him tightly. I was super freaked out, but I laughed and was like, “[name], stop! What are you doing?” Obviously, I tried to push against him to get off, but he flipped me, so I was pinned underneath him in a matter of seconds, and he was straddling me. He ripped off my hijab, pulled up my shirt and bra and started to bite my breasts. 

I was completely in shock and tried to reason with him to stop. He said something like he’s seen how I look at him (???) and he knows I want him (?????). Completely, absolutely, disgustingly false. 

He held my hands down when I tried to push him off, and I began to fight him with everything I had in me. He pulled down my pants and started to penetrate me with his fingers. By then I was crying, and I kept on telling him over and over to stop, but he said to just let him do it. “If you really don’t like it then why are you so wet?” 

I was terrified and never felt so much like I’ve lost control of my body before. I remember just repeating his name endlessly, as if he would somehow hear his name and wake up and realize what he’s doing. I’ve never been intimate with a man even consensually, so it was beyond overwhelming. Eventually he said, “Relax, it’s not like I’m going to rape you.” And he stopped.

I never figured out what the heck he meant by that. Did he not realize what he just did?!? I put my clothes back on as fast as I could, and I left. I haven’t told anybody. I saw him once on campus by chance, and I felt like I was having a heart attack. For a few weeks after, he kept on texting me and asking how I was and stuff. I never responded. Throughout the entire ordeal and after, I get the feeling that he truly doesn’t think he did something wrong.

This was about three months ago, and none of my friends who were there with me even know. I feel like maybe I should tell the girls at least, so they can watch out for him, but they would never be so stupid to hang out with a man alone in his apartment. I do worry that they would judge me for it. My friends think I’m weird for never hanging out with them whenever I know he’s around, but I don’t know if they’ve put it together. It’s certainly distanced me from them in some regards. I’m a convert and my closest family lives a plane flight away, so these friends are really the only community I have.

I’ve thought about it literally every day. All the time. I’ve prayed and tried to find the same peace in my body as I did before, but it’s so difficult. I find myself wanting to make wudu over and over, and I never really feel pure again.”

“Women should always have a mahram with them!”

The dismissive claim that if women always had a mahram (close male relative – e.g. father, brother, uncle, son – or husband) with them, they wouldn’t experience sexual violence, is a blatantly false one.

First, there is no Islamic requirement for women to always be accompanied by a mahram. The requirement is one solely related to travel, and even then, there are differences of opinion regarding the conditions for this.

Second, and perhaps more importantly, many victims of sexual violence, particularly younger children, are attacked by people who actually are their mahaarim. Consider this: “Sexual violence against children and youth is more commonly perpetrated by someone known to the victim (75 percent), usually an acquaintance or a family member.”[2]

“I was 8. It was my father’s youngest brother. I didn’t know it was molestation or that it was wrong. After some years, I told my mum about it, she told my dad, and [it] drove them apart. About two years later, my parents got divorced because my mum couldn’t live with that. When I was 20, I told other family members, and my father’s sister said. “What will you gain out of this? You destroy the life of a now-married man? Cause suffering to his family and yours? No one will believe you anyways. You just lack decency.” (female victim)

“She was too seductive.”

The story shared above already demonstrates, “seductiveness” has nothing to do with sexual assault. Many victims of sexual assault are children — both boys and girls.

Statistics Canada reports: “The second most prevalent type of police-reported violence committed against children and youth is sexual assault. In 2008, there were over 13,600 child and youth victims of sexual offences reported to police. Over half (59%) of all victims of sexual assault were children and youth under the age of 18. The rate of sexual assaults against children and youth was 1.5 times higher than the rate for young adults aged 18 to 24 in 2008 (201 per 100,000 children and youth compared to 130 for young adults).”[3]

“I was around 12 years old. I used to go to this Maulana’s [Quran teacher] house for hifz [Quran memorization]. When Maulana was not around, he asked me to read to his son, who was a hafiz [one who has memorized the Quran]. One day this hafiz called me to his room and gave me a story to read. As I was going through the story, he tried to rape me. I screamed and told him to stop. He came to his senses and stopped. Felt like beating him up with a baseball bat. Never told anyone.” (Male victim)

“I don’t know which or whom started first, but I was seven and abused by two different men … a cousin and an “uncle.” Apparently, I was special, as I was allowed into my cousin’s man cave; no one was allowed in there except me. Hindsight is a beautiful thing, but I was allowed into a room that even my older brother wasn’t allowed to enter because I was special. It was a touch here and a touch there, until I guess he was comfortable enough to take out his “lollipop” for me to suck on. I was scared of the “lollipop.” I didn’t know what to make of it, but I was special, and that’s why I was given the “lollipop.” I can’t remember whether I sucked on the “lollipop,” but I remember being made to touch it and pet it. It’s funny how your brain works to block things out as you become .” (female survivor)

“This is what happens when our kids are exposed to Western kaafir[nonMuslim/disbeliever] culture.” Or, “Rape only happens to bad girls who are in bad places.”

Rape and sexual assault are just as much of an issue in the Muslim world, – in fact even in the holiest of places. Though many people choose to live in denial, the brutal truth is that unfortunately, women experience sexual harassment and assault even in the sacred cities of Makkah and Madinah and in the Masjid al-Haraam itself.

“A man, in an ihram, grabbed my hand and tried to force me close to him whilst I was doing sa’i [running back and forth between Safa and Marwa, one of the rites of Hajj].” (female victim; age 14 at the time.)

“When I was around 11 years old, my parents took me and my siblings for umrah [the lesser pilgrimage]. We performed umrah and were on our way back to Pakistan. I wanted to use the washroom at Jeddah airport. I went there with my little sisters. 

When we went to washroom, it was crowded because everyone was doing wudu [ablutions] to pray. I went to the washroom and my sisters were waiting outside. It took me a long time, so all the older women had left.

Some man came in and told my sisters to leave too and that people weren’t allowed to come in the washroom. They were 4 and 5, so they didn’t know anything and left me there alone. The man kept knocking at the door. I didn’t know it was a man; I thought it was a woman because it was the women’s washroom.  

I opened the door and he came in. I was so shocked and scared. I was trembling with fear; I was so confused, I didn’t even know what was going on. I was molested there, and I was too shocked to shout or scream, but then I came to my senses and started screaming really loudly. Some men came inside the washroom and started banging on the door, so this guy pulled up his pants, opened the door and ran away.

People were trying to run after him. I don’t know what happened after that because my parents came and took me away. I think they handled it, but we never spoke about it, so I don’t know what happened after it.

It was my first time being molested. Before this, I didn’t even know there was such a thing or that this happens to people. My mum told me not to tell my dad that the man touched me, and to just say the other men came before he could touch me – otherwise, my dad would disown me. So that’s what I did. 

I was very scared to go to school after it because we had many male teachers and there were lots of men around. My 11-year-old brain was too terrified to be around men for around a year.  My mum told me not to tell anyone back home about it, and everyone was just quiet. No one said anything else.” (female victim)

These are just some examples of the common sentiments expressed by Muslims with regards to sexual violence. In turn, each and every story quoted herein was submitted to me directly by the survivors of these crimes. These harrowing stories prove just how false the prevalent ideas surrounding sexual violence in the Muslim community are.

It must be emphasized that none of these statements so many Muslims give in regard to sexual abuse are considered to be Islamically valid or acceptable. They are abhorrent; these mentalities are what allow sexual crimes to continue to be perpetrated in our communities, with little to no accountability for the criminals, and with very few resources or support for the victims.

[1] https://islamqa.info/en/13998

[2] https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/85f0033m/2010023/part-partie1-eng.htm#h2_5

[3] Ibid

The Double Standards of Desire

“Brother, the fitnah! It’s too difficult! If I don’t get a second wife right now, I’m going to do the haraam!”

This statement is not only common to hear amongst Muslim men, but acceptable as well. Guess what, bros – polygyny isn’t the solution to your all-important male arousal. And really, let’s face it… you can’t afford a second wife to begin with. So if your first wife won’t compromise some of her basic Shar’i rights in order to cater to your libido, what are you going to do, hire a prostitute? Watch porn? Really? Are you that desperate for ‘variety,’ when at the end of the day – as RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said – your wife has the exact same thing the other woman has?
Newsflash: Your physical desire isn’t the center of the universe.

Now how about we stop for a moment and consider the flip side. Oh, I know what you’re thinking – what flip side? Women can’t possibly understand what men go through; women don’t have anywhere near the levels of libido or triggers of desire… do women even have desire, really?

If you ever bothered to ask a woman, she’d tell you – hell yes. We know all too well what you’re going through, because the fitnah we go through is just as bad. It is, perhaps, even worse when you consider the fact that so many Muslim leaders perpetuate the idea that women don’t experience any sexual fitnah to begin with.

For every Muslim man who complains about the fitnah of other women, they don’t realize that Muslim women are going through the exact same thing… if not worse.

Muslim women are groomed from young adulthood to believe that their role as wives is all-encompassing: to take care of a husband spiritually by waking him up for Fajr, to take care of him physically by cooking and cleaning for him, to take care of him by fulfilling his need for progeny by bearing his children, and to take care of him sexually by being always, constantly sexually attractive and available.

A woman who is not perfectly coiffed, waxed, and shaved is responsible for any illicit sexual desires that he may be troubled by; a man who develops a potbelly and showers a couple times of a week within the first few years of his marriage is considered perfectly normal and ‘a good guy’ as long as he remembers to take out the trash.
While Muslim men complain that their wives don’t match up to the Hollywood actresses paraded before their eyes, they don’t stop to think that they in turn don’t match their wives’ standards of attractiveness either.

Even before marriage, Muslim women can expect very little of their male cohorts; Muslim men, it seems, are not raised with the some of the basic grooming standards that many nonMuslim men (especially today with the hipster and lumberjack craze) have picked up on. Whether it has to do with a sense of dress, hygiene, or beard grooming habits (the only reason so many Muslim women appear to be repulsed by beards is because of how poorly Muslim men keep them), nonMuslim men these days far exceed Muslim men in the basic necessities of looking decent. Many Muslim men seem to think that they deserve praise for wearing clean socks and putting on deodorant.
NonMuslim men are also raised in an environment where – with all its other unpleasant realities acknowledged – they are expected to put in some effort in wooing a woman. From at least high school onwards, they’re taught the basics: dress well, smell good, bring some flowers, and take the woman out somewhere nice. The woman is given the sense that she is wanted and that the man is willing to make an effort to be desirable to her in return. In short, there is a courtship ritual.

For all that people make snide comments that the only reason nonMuslim make any effort whatsoever in either grooming themselves or how they conduct themselves with women, is because they want to get laid – well, duh. That is precisely the point. NonMuslim men do all these things without a guarantee of having sex after all that work; Muslim men have a guarantee from their wedding night onwards that they will never, ever be turned down for sex (and if they are, then the angels are right there to curse those disobedient women)… and yet make little effort to maintain even a simple level of physical attraction.

Every Muslim woman has been through the cringe-worthy experience of listening to a pot-bellied imam lecturing them on how to be attractive to their husbands – and inevitably rebuking them for not doing enough to spare them from ‘the fitnah.’

Now imagine, if you will, the following scenario instead:
“Shaykh, the fitnah is too much… my husband is no longer attractive to me, he is overweight and doesn’t try to look good for me. If I can’t be sexually satisfied soon, I’m going to do the haraam!”

I’m pretty sure we can all agree that the response would be a collective outburst of self-righteous rage: “AstaghfirAllah sister, how dare you say such a thing! Have modesty and do not allow Shaytan to whisper to you in such horrific ways!”

There is little to no acknowledgment whatsoever of the sexual fitnah Muslim women experience when faced by well-groomed, courteous nonMuslim men in contrast to the men they are either married to, or can look forward to marrying – the type who either make a (painfully) half-hearted attempt in university before abandoning themselves to early onset uncle-hood, or those who assume that being religious means never daring to emasculate themselves by grooming their beards.

Few, if any, will stop to mention that Ibn Abbas (radhiAllahu ‘anhu) used to brush his teeth, comb his beard and hair, and scent himself before going home. When asked why he did so, he retorted, “For my wife! I like to beautify myself for her just as I like her to beautify herself for me.”

Rather, the idea that women need to be physically attracted to their spouses appears alien amongst many Muslims today. The idea that women need to find their husbands sexually alluring is almost bizarre. And it is precisely because of this refusal to acknowledge Muslim women’s sexual needs within their marriages, that the dangerous door to sexual fitnah outside of their marriage exists.
Neither men nor women are immune to sexual fitnah – it is a desire that exists in all human beings, not solely within one gender. Women have eyes that see as much as men do; women have desires that exist just as men do, even if that desire is considered socially unacceptable to voice. Unlike men, women do not have the option of marrying more than one husband… so it could be said, perhaps, that there is more of an onus on men to please their wives and be physically attractive and sexually available to them than is commonly purported.

So please, for the sake of your womenfolk – Muslim men, please do more than take a shower.

To Celebrate or Not to Celebrate, Isn't Even a Question

With all the hullabaloo over ‪#‎SCOTUS‬ yesterday, the most striking thing to me hasn't been the ruling itself (especially since Canada legalized same-sex marriage ages ago), but how many Muslims (conservative/orthodox) have reacted.

It is bewildering to me that many feel obligated to celebrate a law which doesn't reflect our Islamic moral values in any way. It is also bewildering to me that many feel that *not* supporting or celebrating it automatically makes one a hateful, homophobic bigot.

I really do not understand why so many people assume that believing that something is haraam - e.g. gay marriage - means being a horrible abusive jerk to LGBTQ+ people. We engage on a daily basis with people who commit shirk, which is the greatest crime on the face of the earth; but on this one specific issue, some people seem obliged to morph into the Hulk (but with less noble objectives) and dooming people to hell left, right, and center.

It really is not that difficult to have firm convictions about something and to speak against the haraam (whatever it may be) while maintaining good character and excellent manners. Yesterday, I had an interesting experience - while waiting at the bus stop, my gay neighbour was chatting with me, telling me about the #SCOTUS ruling and asking me questions about niqab and hijab. At the end of our conversation, he told me, "Thank you for always being nice to me even though I know that your religion doesn't accept homosexuality."

I was taken aback, because prior to this conversation, our interaction was limited to "Hi" and "How are you" while passing each other on the street or at the door of our apartment building. Yet what I found most poignant is that yes, people can understand that you disagree with something - and feel strongly about it - without you being horrible and awful to them about it.

As Muslims, we should not feel pressured to outwardly support something that we believe is sinful... and this applies to *all* forms of sin, whether it is shirk, riba, or homosexual acts (all of which are severe in the sight of Allah). Nor should we forget our standard of Ihsaan in all that we say and do, no matter whom we are interacting with.

It's really not that hard.

A Sexual Revolutionary

As Muslims, many of us are caught between two extremes: a culture of hypersexualisation that trivialises and belittles the value of sex, turning intimacy into something crude and vulgar; and a 'back home' culture where everything that is romantic, sexual and intimate is made forbidden and shameful.

This attitude, however, is completely contrary to the Islamic attitude towards sex, displayed by members of the Sahabiyyaat such as Umm Sulaym.
Umm Salama relates that Umm Sulaym came to the Messenger of Allah and said, “O Messenger of Allah, Surely, Allah is not shy of the truth. Is it necessary for a woman to take a ritual bath after she has a wet dream?” The Messenger of Allah replied: “Yes, if she notices a discharge.” Umm Salama covered her face and asked, “O Messenger of Allah! Does a woman have a discharge?” He replied: “Yes, let your right hand be in dust [an Arabic expression said light-heartedly to someone whose statement you contradict], how does the son resemble his mother?” (Sahih al-Bukhari)

Many Muslim women are pressured into denying their sexuality, or fully being able to explore and acknowledge it, even within their marriage. Cultural double standards that make it acceptable for men to transgress the bounds of chastity but taboo for women to be honest about their desires are poisonous.

Not only does such a mentality warp and harm those individuals affected by it, but it also interferes in every Muslim's right to a sound Islamic education and a holistic, happy life based on the deen - including the area of halal sexual gratification.

As a result, numerous intimacy-related problems have arisen amongst Muslim girls and women. Whether it’s self-esteem and body-image issues, a lack of understanding regarding their own sexual and reproductive health, fear about sex, considering sex to be ‘dirty’ or serious medical issues like vaginismus or being unable to have an orgasm - Muslim women suffer serious consequences as a result of sex-shaming.

Muslim women should not be made to feel ashamed of being aware of their bodies, their physical needs and their sexuality; these things are all gifts from Allah I, which, with the right intention, can be made a source of ajr (reward) from Him.
On the flip side, these things are also responsibilities, for if misused and abused, they can also be a source of punishment.

Let us embrace the mature, dignified, respectful and positive attitude towards female sexuality that Sahabiyaat such as Umm Sulaym displayed, and cast away the crippling mentalities that pressure women to deny their very natures.

As we’ve seen, Umm Sulaym was not ashamed of asking a question which openly discussed an aspect of female sexuality (wet dreams), in an appropriate manner, despite the fact that others around her (such as Umm Salamah) were shocked that she had the audacity to discuss it in public.

Muslim women need to revive the revolutionary attitude that Umm Sulaym displayed. In order to change the current state of affairs, we should find inspiration in Umm Sulaym’s example and be pro-active in educating ourselves about our bodies, including and especially our sexual health. Nor should this education be restricted to already-married women - it is imperative that young girls be taught about their bodies as they grow and mature into young women. It is necessary not just from a health perspective, but from an Islamic one; after all, how else are they to know about the Islamic rulings that surround menstruation, discharge, sexual gratification and more?

Rather than criticising or scolding girls and women who ask or speak openly and honestly about sex, we should remember the words of ‘Aishah when she said: “How praiseworthy are the women of Ansar! Shyness does not prevent them from having a deep understanding of religion.”

Developing this type of positive sexual attitude is not merely necessary for the overall health of the Muslim Ummah, but is a revolutionary act of heroism as well. One which will, insha Allah, give rise to a new generation of confident and educated Muslim women.

Zainab bint Younus (AnonyMouse) is a young woman who finds constant inspiration in the lives of the Sahabiyaat and other great women in Islamic history. She hopes that every Muslimah is able to identify with the struggles of these inspirational women and follow in their footsteps to become a part of a new generation of powerful Muslim women. She blogs at http://www.thesalafifeminist.blogspot.com

More Than Just A Teacher

The issue of puberty and sex education is a contentious one in the Muslim community. For the last several generations (at the very least), Muslim cultures have made sex a taboo subject and it is rare to find, even today, Muslim parents who discuss these issues openly, honestly, and positively with their children.

Unfortunately, this has created a toxic and dangerous environment for Muslim youth - one where discussing even the basic facts of life is not just uncomfortable, but nearly impossible to do with one's parents or other Muslim elders. As a result, we find youth who get their sex ed from unsavoury sources instead... kids at school, social media, and pop culture; all of which put forth unhealthy attitudes regarding sexuality - in fact, most of the beliefs and attitudes taught are in direct contradiction to Islam.

Yet how can we blame the youth for seeking out this (mis)information, when we - the adults - are the ones at fault? How can we blame kids for not knowing and understanding the basic rulings of puberty, of tahaarah, of sexuality, when we're the ones who have failed to teach them from the beginning?

The Sunnah of RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and his Companions was very different when it came to teaching the youth – and the adults – around them about puberty, sexuality, and related issues.
Previously, I have written about the story of Umayyah bint Qays, who got her first period while accompanying RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) on a journey, and how he dealt with that situation.

There is another narration that deals with the flip side – a young man who had just reached puberty, going to a woman, and asking about a relevant ruling.

'Abd al-Rahman ibn al-Aswad narrates:

"My father used to send me to A'ishah and (as a child) I used to go to her (i.e. beyond the curtain). When I became adult (i.e. reached puberty; became baaligh), I came to her and called to her from behind the curtain: "O Umm al-Mu'mineen, when does the bath become compulsory?"
She said: "So, you have done it, O Luka'! And (in answer to the question), when the private parts conjoin."
(Al-Dhahabi in Siyar A'lam an-Nubala)

This narration demonstrates a very unique relationship – that of a young boy and an unrelated (non-Mahram) woman. Although ‘Abd al-Rahman first spent time with A’ishah when he was a pre-pubescent boy, he didn’t cut off his relationship with her as soon as he reached puberty… nor was he shy or embarrassed to approach her immediately.
In turn, from A’ishah’s response, it is evident that she was fond of him, and that their relationship was close enough that she teased him gently about becoming a man according to the Shari’ah. SubhanAllah!

How many Muslim youth – boys and girls alike – feel comfortable enough to approach an elder of the same gender, let alone of the opposite sex? How many of them feel that they won’t be scolded or treated harshly, but rather showered with affection and treated with kindness? The importance of ‘safe spaces,’ of individuals whom youth can trust regardless of whether they’re family or not, cannot be overstated.

One would expect that A’ishah (radhiAllahu ‘anha), the Mother of Believers, the ultimate scholar of her time, would be far too busy with more important matters than to teach young children, let alone develop a safe, trusting relationship with them. Instead, she devoted her time and effort to creating this type of relationship not just with young girls, but young boys such as ‘Abd ar-Rahman ibn al-Aswad.
Building and maintaining such a relationship isn’t a one-off thing; it requires long-term investment and true, sincere interest in the life of young children as they grow up and go through numerous challenges and growing pains. It requires being there for them through thick and thin, proving to them that we care about them, and will be there in a supportive manner through even the most awkward of stages.

Sadly, many Muslim adults feel uncomfortable to build that kind of relationship with youth who aren’t their own children, let alone discuss sensitive issues like sexual education. But then – how can we ever expect them to trust us and learn about those very important matters from an Islamic perspective? We need to be more than just teachers who provide sterile facts and dire warnings; we need to be sources of safety, security, and reassurance.

It is time for us to recreate an Islamic environment for our youth: one where talking about puberty and sex isn’t a shameful thing; one wherein a young girl can get her period for the first time around a non-Mahram male, and feel safe with him; and a young boy can admit to a non-Mahram woman that he has reached puberty, and feel comfortable doing so.

When we’re finally able to talk to our youth about puberty, sex, and all that it entails, in a manner that is appropriate and comfortable, we will finally be able to raise a generation of Muslims who understand both the beauty and responsibilities of physical maturity – a generation of Muslims who will, in turn, be ready to step up and be heroes and heroines in their own right.

Zainab bint Younus (AnonyMouse) is a young woman who finds constant inspiration in the lives of the Sahabiyaat and other great women in Islamic history. She hopes that every Muslimah is able to identify with the struggles of these inspirational women and follow in their footsteps to become a part of a new generation of powerful Muslim women. She blogs at http://www.thesalafifeminist.blogspot.com

Reinforcing Gender Injustice & Radical Change From Within

Domestic violence, sexual harassment and abuse, misogyny in all its forms – whether in the East or the West, Muslim or non-Muslim, all these diseases are alive and well in our societies.

“Women shouldn’t be dressing a certain way if they don’t want to be attacked”; “Sometimes a mouthy woman just needs to be disciplined in order to learn her lesson”; “Men are just like that, we can’t change who they are.”

These are all common variations of the basic argument of “well, this is life, just deal with it”… but that is simply not acceptable, no matter where in the world you live.

The sad truth is that amongst Muslims as well as non-Muslims, the various diseases that arise from ingrained misogyny in our various cultures is quite often perpetuated and encouraged by women themselves. Misogyny is something that is quickly and oft-identified within men, but recognized much less within women – after all, how is it that there are women who look down on themselves, who see themselves as less than their male counterparts?

Whatever the origins of internalized misogyny amongst women may be, the most dangerous consequence is that many women will pass on their unhealthy attitudes about gender roles, sexuality, and more onto both their daughters and their sons.

From infancy, we laugh off a young boy insistently pushing a little girl around as “boys will be boys,” yet are quick to scold if a little girl shows signs of aggressiveness. We rarely – if ever – teach our sons about hayaa’ (modesty), respect, lowering the gaze, and spiritual chastity the way we fanatically tell our daughters to cover up and be quiet. We allow our sons to raise their voices – and sometimes their hands – to us, yet discipline our daughters immediately if they ask a single question. We keep our daughters close to us at home yet allow our sons to run wild in the middle of the night, teaching them morality is something restricted to women (wa’l iyaadhu billah). We criticize our daughters for not covering their heads in their own homes amongst their mahaarim, and allow our sons to go out in public wearing tight fitting or inappropriate clothing, conveniently forgetting that RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) was ‘more modest than a virgin girl.’

We women – and the men in our lives – are the ones directly responsible for raising entire generations of boys and girls, men and women, who have a warped and twisted idea of what morality is, of what it means to be men and women.

In doing so, we have perverted and destroyed the very idea of hayaa’ (modesty) and ‘izzah (honour and dignity) in Islam. A woman’s honour doesn’t come from being held prisoner in her own home or conforming to bizarre cultural norms of femininity; a man’s respect doesn’t come from him oppressing the women around him and abusing his power in order to make himself feel good. The honour, respect, and dignity of each and every Muslim lies in their subservience to Allah, their fulfilment of His Commands, and their refusal to accept oppression and injustice in any aspect of their lives.

{ You are the best nation produced [as an example] for mankind. You enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and believe in Allah.} (Qur’an 3:110)

In the hypsersexualized global village we live in today, we need to teach our sons and daughters from a very young age what it means to have respect for others of the same and of the opposite gender – regardless of what they are or are not wearing.

Teach our sons as well as our daughters that ‘awrah is about more than the actual physical private parts; it is about understanding that others’ bodies are not objects that we are entitled to, but that Allah is Ever-Watchful and that we need to respect ourselves first and foremost by not allowing our eyes, our tongues, and our limbs to see, speak, or touch that which is prohibited.

RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: "Emaan (belief) consists of more than sixty branches. And Hayaa’ (modesty) is a part of faith." (Bukhari)

He also said: “Every religion has a (distinct) characteristic and the characteristic of Islam is modesty.” [Ibn Maajah]

It is imperative that we tie in every single value we teach our children to the most precious of all values: Taqwa. All that we do, all that we are, goes back to how much we love our Lord and wish to please Him.

Part of that endeavor to please Allah and protect ourselves – and our societies – is to strive for Ihsaan (excellence) in every way.

The Qur’an describes Muslim men and women in the following terms:

{The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those - Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.} (Qur’an 9:71)

The only way to raise an Ummah of believers who embody this verse, is to raise our children from a young age to believe in the standard of Ihsaan – excellence – and hold themselves to it, especially with regards to how they deal with the opposite gender.

{Tell the believing men to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what they do.

And tell the believing women to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts…} (Qur’an 24:30-31)

Sexual harassment is a very real problem amongst Muslims, one which – until now – has been allowed to continue due to the very unhealthy attitudes we have been raising our children with.

By returning to the Qur’an and Sunnah, by teaching our sons and daughters while they are still extremely young about the importance of Taqwa, Ihsaan, and Hayaa’, then and only then will we finally be able combat this disease (amongst others) in our Ummah.

We cannot insist that all our gender-related problems will go away if women just sit at home and cover up and remain silent and motionless. Rather, we must know that the condition of our Ummah will never change until we return to the Words of Allah and the Sunnah of His Messenger (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and radically change our attitudes to match the values taught within them, instead of trying to twist the Divine Words to fit our own warped mentalities.

Change starts within our own homes, and starts today. Sit down with your sons and your daughters, no matter how old they are, and have a much-needed discussion with them about what it means to respect themselves and others of the opposite gender. Teach them, truly, what it means for the believers, men and women, to be allies of one another.