Fractured Wombs: The Trauma of Motherhood

Motherhood is so beautiful, women are told, even before they have become women. Motherhood is what we are meant for. Motherhood is part and parcel of our womanhood. Motherhood will, sooner or later, define us.

What they do not tell us is that for so many of us, motherhood is trauma. It is the loss of ourselves as we are subsumed by the creature growing within us. It is the loss of control over our own bodies, the loss of sleep during pregnant days and colicky nights, the loss of our intimate selves in exchange for cracked nipples and wombs that never stop aching. It is the loss of safety in being able to confide to our loved ones, who stare at us in horror at our ugly confessions.

We are the walking wounded, the mothers with bleeding hearts and emptied wombs, the mothers whose minds are on the verge of breaking. We are the women whose souls are frozen in fear - for we are told that we are weak, impatient, failures as believing women.

Only Allah knows our agony, when everyone else refuses to see or hear our pain.

{And We have enjoined on humankind [goodness] to their parents. Their mothers bore them in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and their weaning takes two years. Give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination.} (Qur'an 31:14)

{And We have enjoined upon humankind, to their parents, good treatment. Their mothers carried them with hardship and gave birth to them with hardship…} (Qur'an 46:15)

When the Qur'an speaks of motherhood, it is not with words of false sweetness, nor promises of unbridled joy. Instead, Allah speaks to us with the rawness of our own experiences: wahnun 3ala wahn; hamalat'hu karhan wa wadha3at'hu karhan… weakness and pain upon weakness and pain. The word "karhan" shares the same root as the word "karaaha" - something that is hated. The pain that a mother experiences is unimaginable, a pain that anyone would hate to experience - and yet, it is what women endure, over and over again.

The greatest of all women, Maryam bint Imraan ('alayhassalaam), cried out during labour, "Would that I had died before this, and had been forgotten and out of sight!" (Qur'an 19:23)

The burden placed on Muslim women to experience motherhood - to perform motherhood - as the completion of her feminine identity and epitome of self-worth, as the measure of her womanhood and of her spirituality, is a burden that we do not find in the Qur'an and Sunnah.

How then do we have the audacity to place this burden on women?

Read more: https://muslimmatters.org/2020/06/20/fractured-wombs/

The Trauma of Motherhood

Motherhood is so beautiful, women are told, even before they have become women. Motherhood is what we are meant for. Motherhood is part and parcel of our womanhood. Motherhood will, sooner or later, define us.

What they do not tell us is that for so many of us, motherhood is trauma. It is the loss of ourselves as we are subsumed by the creature growing within us. It is the loss of control over our own bodies, the loss of sleep during pregnant days and colicky nights, the loss of our intimate selves in exchange for cracked nipples and wombs that never stop aching. It is the loss of safety in being able to confide to our loved ones, who stare at us in horror at our ugly confessions.

We are the walking wounded, the mothers with bleeding hearts and emptied wombs, the mothers whose minds are on the verge of breaking. We are the women whose souls are frozen in fear - for we are told that we are weak, impatient, failures as believing women.

Only Allah knows our agony, when everyone else refuses to see or hear our pain.

{And We have enjoined on humankind [goodness] to their parents. Their mothers bore them in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and their weaning takes two years. Give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination.} (Qur'an 31:14)

{And We have enjoined upon humankind, to their parents, good treatment. Their mothers carried them with hardship and gave birth to them with hardship…} (Qur'an 46:15)

When the Qur'an speaks of motherhood, it is not with words of false sweetness, nor promises of unbridled joy. Instead, Allah speaks to us with the rawness of our own experiences: wahnun 3ala wahn; hamalat'hu karhan wa wadha3at'hu karhan… weakness and pain upon weakness and pain. The word "karhan" shares the same root as the word "karaaha" - something that is hated. The pain that a mother experiences is unimaginable, a pain that anyone would hate to experience - and yet, it is what women endure, over and over again.

The greatest of all women, Maryam bint Imraan ('alayhassalaam), cried out during labour, "Would that I had died before this, and had been forgotten and out of sight!" (Qur'an 19:23)

The burden placed on Muslim women to experience motherhood - to perform motherhood - as the completion of her feminine identity and epitome of self-worth, as the measure of her womanhood and of her spirituality, is a burden that we do not find in the Qur'an and Sunnah.

How then do we have the audacity to place this burden on women?

The trauma that so many Muslim women experience from motherhood is exacerbated by the lack of empathy, compassion, and mercy shown to them. There is a culture of romanticizing motherhood in a way that even our foremothers would not recognize - a demand that all pain be willed away, that no sign of discomfort be shown, that a mother should smile and express only joy and radiance.
There is no place for women who struggle with pregnancy, who spend each second overcome by sickness that is more than just physical; for women who find themselves impregnated against their wills, for women whose bodies treat the fetus within them as a parasite rather than a gift; for women who hold their newborn infants and feel nothing but emptiness; for women whose despair blocks out any other emotion.

In the face of this pressure, so many Muslim mothers find themselves even more overwhelmed than they already were. The struggle to perform motherhood 'the right way', when they don't have the basic support that they need, leads to trauma being magnified. Many mothers find themselves trapped with imposter syndrome, despairing at their lack of maternal competence, convinced that at any moment, the full extent of their perceived failures will be revealed - and their shame made public.

When women are going through wahnun 3ala wahn, our role is not to judge them, to shame them, or to tear them down. Our role - men and women alike - is to recognize in these struggling mothers the Words of Allah, to honour them, to support them, and to provide them what they need to regain their strength in every way. Our role is to be their awliyaa, their companions and their comfort; our role is to give them the love they so desperately need, in this time of pain and hardship and difficulty that we cannot even begin to fathom.

ArRahman recognizes the pain that every mother's rahm feels - and so should we.


In Canada, 23% of new mothers reported feelings consistent with either post-partum depression or an anxiety disorder. Those under the age of 25 had the highest rates of such feelings compared to any other age group. In various Asian countries, such as Pakistan, the percentage of mothers experiencing postpartum depression can be as high as 63%.


https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/190624/dq190624b-eng.htm

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3939973/ 

On Rape/Sexual Assault Tropes in Muslim Communities – An Islamic Response (Part II)

Editorial Note: TRIGGER WARNING – This article contains explicit stories of sexual assault and trauma. This is part two of a two-part series on rape culture and sexual abuse within Muslim communities and will focus on other arguments used to blame victims as well as examining these arguments from the Islamic standpoint. Part one debunks common false statements often given to excuse or ignore sexual abuse and trauma. Also, the terms “victim” and “survivor” are both used in this piece at the discretion of the person who was relating their story of sexual trauma.

Rape culture isn’t limited to a Muslims nor does it manifest in the same ways in Muslim (or religions) and non-Muslim communities. Each culture and society has certain factors unique to them that contribute to an overall toxic and dangerous environment when it comes to sexual violence. Some attitudes, however are common across communities. The end result, is a deeply painful one: A society in which sexual violence continues to take place, often without consequences, due to the stigma and taboo surrounding the matter as well as its normalization.

In Muslim communities there are certain tropes that are perpetuated by many to excuse (or even justify) sexual violence — some in the guise of religiosity and some as solely cultural. We will continue to examine these tropes, read more stories from victims and consider an Islamic response to these beliefs.

“A woman’s honor lies in her virginity.”

No individual’s “honor” or value as a person or as a Muslim lies in their virginity. While chastity is a value that is deeply important in Islam, it applies to men and women. The Quran speaks highly of believers who maintain their chastity, both within and outside of marriage.

The concept of virginity, however, as held by many people, is not one which has an Islamic basis. The physical state of virginity (i.e. of a person who has not had any sexual interactions before) is praiseworthy for both the Muslim man and women, who have withheld from sexual relationships before marriage. However, virginity can also cease to exist due to factors outside of a person’s control, such as rape. Thus, there is no Islamic evidence to state that any individual’s honor is dependent upon their virginity, or that they lose that honor upon ceasing to be virgins.

Rather, the honor of any individual, man or woman lies in their mere existence as human beings, and in particular, as believers. A woman’s ‘izzah is not stripped away simply because someone violated the sanctity of her body; nor does any boy or man who has been raped or sexually attacked lose their honor.

Verily the most honourable of you in the sight of Allah is (the one who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things). (Quran 49:13)

Thus, it is very clearly established that honor lies solely in one’s connection to Allah and not upon unjust standards created by human beings.

“Men and boys can’t be raped.”

This myth is a crippling one, yet is incredibly pervasive amongst both non-Muslims as well as Muslims. The truth is that boys and men are also victims of sexual violence; statistics show that males experience rates of sexual violence roughly equal to women.

Men and boys are just as vulnerable to predators. While currently available records show that at least one in sixteen men and boys have been the victims of sexual assault or rape, the sad truth is that male victims often face even greater stigma than female victims do and thus under-report significantly.

The Muslim community is not immune to this; Muslim boys and men are also victims of sexual assault and violence.

It was my first job at the masjid. My responsibility was to teach the kids after school on secular subjects regarding math and reading. The community I’m from is filled with old men with an urge to assualt and sexually molest little kids.

From the time I was in Sunday school learning Quran I have witnessed teachers sexually touch girls while teaching them how to pray, groping their behind while trying to make their back straight going into ruku and even “accidently falling on them.” These type of people are very common in our community, and when community leaders do this it is very disturbing. Leaders who lead prayer and give khutbah are the rapists who got away with their evil acts. A few years ago a man was caught in the basement of our neighborhood trying to rape a little girl. He is now in prison. The evidence was recorded. If it wasn’t, I’m pretty sure he would have gotten away and still continue his rampage destroying the minds of young boys and girls.

Consider this story:

I was 14 when I got my first job at the masjid. The mu’azin, who was a perverted old man, came to me regarding help on his citizenship test. As a employee of the masjid, I felt as if it was my job to help others who are also part of the masjid. So, after teaching the kids with their homework, I would go to his office to help him with his work. The problem with rapists is that they like to use every chance to get to know you and lure you in to their actions.

Every day when I went, I would notice that he would look at me a certain way and have little focus on what I would say. He would stare at me with his eyes lit up with a perverted smile. I didn’t take this seriously, as I was 14 and well capable of defending myself. The night that threw me off was the day I cut off any relation with this man. He asked me to grab the Quran from his bed, but I refused as I was not comfortable going into his bed. As I was trying to leave, he tried to jump on me. Disgusted, I threw him off me and left. Any other move, he would have been knocked out cold with a broken nose. Since it was the masjid, I tried to keep it cool. He then called me and was trying to offer payment. The payment was not in money but a BANANA.

I let go of his actions, thinking that he would change. I was wrong of that . He later got fired for getting caught sexually molesting a child.

If I had spoken up earlier to any member of the committee, that could have been avoided. That other child could have been saved from the trauma of sexual abuse.

What I have learned through my experience is that staying silent because of fear will only create more trouble for the future. Allowing men to get away with these types of actions makes room for more assaults in the future.” (male victim)

“Only men sexually assault women.”

Another misconception is that only men commit violations of a sexual nature, and too often the focus on preventing sexual crimes tends to hone in on on women wearing hijab and avoiding non-Mahram men.

However, women, too, are capable of such vile actions towards male and female victims.Thirty-five percent of male victims of rape or sexual assault reported female perpetrators; many women also experienced sexual violence at the hands of other women.

It was the summer of 2004. I had just finished up my first year of middle school and was looking forward to the seventh grade. During vacation, my mother, sister and I took a trip to Pakistan. I was 12 years old.

Prior to visiting my family overseas, we would all keep in touch via phone calls. I had a set of cousins who I would routinely talk to. The last time we met was in 2000, so I was looking forward to seeing them all again. I was particularly looking forward to seeing my cousin Alia again. I didn’t have an older sister and she was the next best thing.

Alia changed. She was always tense and very policing. The things that we enjoyed were all of a sudden bad or wrong in her eyes. Every other word that came out of her mouth was a criticism of how I carried myself. I laughed too loudly, I didn’t sit properly, my hair was always down and uncovered, my clothes fit too tight. She mocked me because I had not finished the Quran yet and would constantly ask, “Are you even a Muslim?” or “Do you even believe in Allah?”

One day while I was talking to her brother Daniyal, she barked at me to come in the kitchen. She yelled at me before for talking to him, so I was expecting another scolding. She told me that she wanted to be my friend again and was only harsh because I was a growing girl in need of discipline. She said that I needed to be worthy enough to become her friend again.

One night, as we were all getting ready for bed (I shared a room with my sister and mom during our stay), Alia entered and asked my mom if her and I can have a slumber party. I was never allowed to go to slumber parties back home so I got very excited when my mom said yes.

After entering Alia’s room, I rolled my sleeping bag out on the floor next to hers and we started talking about school. I remember telling her how much I missed her and wanted to have fun with her again

“I always enjoyed having slumber parties with my other cousins but they are too young to understand what we as women know. I am noticing that you are becoming a woman and there are things that you need to know now,” Alia told me.

She attempted to give me “the talk.” I was already aware of the basic mechanics of sex thanks to school, which is why I found her rendition rather comical. Everything she said was wrong, and to this day, I don’t know if she was serious or just making stuff up on purpose. She was 21-years-old, after all. Although I was weirded out by her, I didn’t find her actions threatening. During the day, she would continue to bark at me over everything I did.

The conversations that we had at night would always end up with her talking about sex. When she noticed me getting uncomfortable, she would get angry for not taking her lessons seriously and that I would make a terrible wife. I recall her telling me how I always need to wear sexy underwear, use tongue when I kiss, and regularly shave my body hair.

A few days passed, and [one morning] I woke up as her body was pressed up against me. She was spooning me from behind, and her hands were pressing my chest. I heard her moans in my ear. When I swatted her hand away, she got angry at me and claimed that I hated her. I ended up apologizing and let her sleep the way she wanted to. She insisted that I stroke her breasts, and I complied. This is the farthest it ever went.

The only people who know about these incidents are my close friends. I haven’t told anyone in my family as she is regarded as a respectable, religious woman (still unmarried). I can safely assume that her word will be trusted over mine. Occasionally, whenever I interact with her via Skype, she always tries to give me advice on religion and manners. I don’t take any of it seriously. (female victim)

“This is why women are supposed to stay indoors.”

Women are allowed to leave their homes. We are not obligated to remain indoors at all times, contrary to those who use the Prophetic statement that “women’s homes are better for them” as a way of keeping women controlled and restricted.

The Mothers of the Believers — the wives of RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and his female Companions — all lived their lives normally. They were not confined to their homes nor were they were not commanded to cloister themselves. As long as they observed hijab correctly, they not only left their homes but were actively engaged in the public sphere. Many female Companions ran their own businesses, were farmers, sold their wares in the marketplace, attended the masjid regularly and even joined the Messenger of Allah in jihad. He never prohibited the believing women of his time from leaving their homes, and, indeed, he warned others against forbidding women from attending the masjid.

When it comes to sexual assault, location is irrelevant. It can take place at home or in the street; in a masjid or a park; in a school or at a hospital. A victim should never be blamed for the crime committed against them.

I was 17-years-old, and it was my first umrah trip with my family. It was our first day in Madinah, and we had just come back from Dhuhr salah at the Haram. I was standing in the lobby of our hotel waiting for the lift. My mother and grandparents were with me, as well as some other people I didn’t know who were also waiting for the lift. I was laughing and chatting to my family, when suddenly I felt a hand gripping my buttocks, pinching and rubbing. It took about ten seconds for my brain to register what was happening and then to react, I was in such shock. As I turned around, the man was walking away and out of the hotel.

It happened so quickly that my family didn’t even see it. I started crying immediately.

A number of things that stand out to me about this event:

1) There were people standing around me who surely must have seen it, but didn’t say anything, didn’t try to stop the perpetrator or apprehend him.

2) This happened in this holy city of Madinah. The incident took my self confidence and my sense of security for the rest of the trip. It completely tainted my Umrah experience and led to many months of denial, anger and frustration regarding the toxic culture which plagues the Nabi (s.a.w)’s precious city.

3) when I told some people about this event, they simply said that this is Allah’s will, and He is simply testing my Eemaan. I found this deeply hurtful; it implies that Allah intended for me to go through this trauma. This contradicts my view of a loving, kind and merciful creator. What’s more is that statements like that strip the perpetrators of any responsibility or accountability, as it implies that they are not men with superiority complexes and deeply ingrained toxic masculinity that comes as a result of a patriarchal society, but rather pawns in Allah’s plan of trials and testing for the lives of innocent victims. (female victim)

“There’s no such thing as marital rape.”

The term “marital rape” is a heavily contested one, with many people claiming that there is no such thing in Islam. Regardless of what you want to call it, the mere act of physically forcing an unwilling individual, even if they are your spouse, into an unwanted sexual encounter — such that you are causing them physical, emotional and psychological harm — is completely wrong and sinful.

The hadith of “angels cursing” a wife who rejects her husband’s advances does not justify a man forcing himself upon his wife. Rather, it reinforces that fact that even in a circumstance where a woman refuses to engage in intimacy with her husband, without reason (illness, distress and numerous other factors are all considered to be legitimate reason), he cannot use force against her. Instead, he must console himself with the knowledge of the spiritual consequences for her decision. (It must also be noted that a husband who withholds intimacy from his wife, without legitimate reason, is also considered to be blameworthy.)

Scholars have noted that should a wife continue to withhold from intimacy, the recourse for the husband is to go to the appropriate Islamic legal authority and to seek a means of resolving the matter through them.

For more information regarding the Islamic understanding of marital rape, see here. At the end of the day, regardless of whether you are married to an individual or not, it is not permissible to force anyone into a sexual interaction.

“Someone who was raped is the same as someone who committed zina.”

There is a huge difference between someone who engaged in consensual, impermissible sexual intercourse with another willing party (called zina) and someone who was violated against their will.

The Hadd punishment for rape does not apply to the victim; the only person to be punished is the rapist. In some circumstances, such as if the rapist uses a weapon in any capacity, they may also be considered to fall under the crime of “terrorist,” a crime that incurs a far more severe Hadd punishment than merely lashing or stoning. Nor is a victim of rape obliged to produce four witnesses.

The belief that a victim of rape is equivalent to someone who engaged in zina is one borne of sheer ignorance and has devastating consequences for the innocent women and men who have been victimized. As it is, the psychological repercussions of rape are life-changing; to be accused of being complicit and even blameworthy for the violation is torturous. No one should ever accuse a victim of sexual violence of being responsible for what happened to them.

“These things didn’t happen at the time of the Prophet (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and his Companions. These things don’t happen to pious people.”

This is an example of religious naivete. Even in the time of RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), people were people. While there was incredible goodness amongst the earliest Muslims, there were also people who did commit sins. This included everything from alcoholism to theft to zina to, yes, rape.

Narrated Wa’il ibn Hujr:

When a woman went out in the time of the Prophet (ﷺ) for prayer, a man attacked her and overpowered (raped) her.

She shouted and he went off, and when a man came by, she said: “That (man) did such and such to me.” And when a company of the Emigrants came by, she said: “That man did such and such to me.”

They went and seized the man whom they thought had had intercourse with her and brought him to her.

She said: “Yes, this is he.” Then they brought him to the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ).

When he (the Prophet) was about to pass sentence, the man who (actually) had assaulted her stood up and said: “Messenger of Allah, I am the man who did it to her.”

He (the Prophet) said to her: “Leave, for Allah has forgiven you.” But he told the man some good words (Abu Dawud said: meaning the man who was seized), and of the man who had had intercourse with her, he said: “Stone him to death.”

This hadith alone is proof enough that even in the most sacred of cities, at the time of the Messenger of Allah himself, rape and sexual assault were crimes that existed. The difference, of course, is that RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) did not hesitate to deal with the matter immediately and appropriately.

Why Does This Happen? What Can We Do?

Sexual crimes are committed because — to put it very simplistically — the criminal has no fear of Allah. They also have no sense of conscience towards the person whom they have reduced to an object. They may have a sense of power over the victim, whether physical or social. Other factors, such as poverty, lack of education, the increasing prevalence of violent pornography, the normalization of hypersexualization and more also contribute to the sense of emboldenment and entitlement that abusers have.

There is, unfortunately, a great deal of ignorance and even wilful denial over the reality of rape and sexual assault — how it is perceived within the Shar’iah, how common it is in our communities, and how we should deal with it. Our role, as individuals and as a community, is to educate ourselves and our families and work to ensure that we neither perpetrate such crimes nor enable others in doing so.

As Muslims, we must be concerned with justice. We must be dedicated to upholding the rights of the vulnerable, eradicating these types of crimes and dealing with the perpetrators severely. We cannot afford to enable or protect these criminals — our Aakhirah is at stake. We must be willing to have uncomfortable conversations and discussions and even to engage in painful confrontations. Sadly, there are far too many abusers among lay people and those in positions of leadership in our communities. Far too many people would prefer to turn a blind eye to the existence of sexual assault and abuse.

Allah has commanded us to enjoin the good and forbid the evil; we are an Ummah sent to uphold His laws, to hold transgressors accountable, and to fight against oppression wherever it may be – whether it is political or social, from outside of our community or from within it.

Let there arise out of you a group of people inviting to all that is good, enjoining the good and forbidding evil. And it is they who are the successful. (Quran 3:104)

You are the best nation produced [as an example] for mankind. You enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and believe in Allah. (Quran 3:110)

The Trifecta of Rape Culture, Sexual Abuse, and the Muslim Community

Editorial Note: TRIGGER WARNING – This article contains explicit stories of sexual assault and trauma. This is part one of a two-part series on rape culture and sexual abuse within Muslim communities. Part one debunks common false statements often given to excuse or ignore sexual abuse and trauma. Part two of this series, coming next week, will look at other arguments used to blame victims, and the author will examine them from the Islamic standpoint. Also, the terms “victim” and “survivor” are both used in this piece at the discretion of the person who was relating their story of sexual trauma.

“Islam protects women from rape and sexual assault!” Too many Muslims buy into this line of thinking either out of naivete or ignorance; sometimes clueless and sometimes in denial of the painful realities and tragedies of sexual crime even in the Muslim Ummah.

“Rape culture” is a term that describes “an environment in which rape is prevalent and in which sexual violence against women is normalized and excused in the media and popular culture.  Rape culture is perpetuated through the use of misogynistic language, the objectification of women’s bodies, and the glamorization of sexual violence, thereby creating a society that disregards women’s rights and safety.”

Rape culture is not only harmful to women, but men as well. Due to many societal attitudes regarding gender and sexuality, men are also taught to internalize beliefs that contribute to the silencing of sexual assault and rape of boys and men. Ideas such as “men can’t be raped,” “speaking about abuse is weakness,” and so on have all led to the widespread silence surrounding the sexual violence perpetrated against boys and men.

And, contrary to widespread belief, “rape culture” does not solely exist in Western or non-Muslim societies. Unfortunately, many Muslim communities have deeply unhealthy and toxic attitudes regarding sexual violence and the victims thereof.

There are certain phrases in particular that are used to dismiss and belittle the experiences of survivors of sexual crimes. However, none of them reflect the Islamic ethos and attitude regarding such crimes nor do they justify the perpetration of such crimes. As Muslims, we should never think that there is ever an excuse for a person to violate another’s body.

Nonetheless, rape, sexual assault and sexual abuse do exist in the Muslim community, just as it exists in all other faith and race groups. Too many times, Muslims trot out the following series of statements about sexual assault and abuse, which are inherently false and misleading. For every claim, however, there is a much stronger rebuttal – one based on both facts and a deeper understanding of the Islamic perspective.

“If she just wore hijab/niqab, she wouldn’t get harassed or raped …”

This line, often uttered to dismiss cases of rape where the victims did not observe hijab, is one that is not only false, but completely fails to understand the true meaning, role and purpose of hijab.

No doubt, hijab is indeed an obligation in Islam; it is a command from Allah and should be observed by believing women[1]. There are Divine Wisdoms behind its obligation, and in some cases, it can deter a certain type of attention.

However, it is not a force field that physically prevents a rapist from raping his victim. Modest dressing cannot prevent rape or lewd behavior from the abuser. Nor should we ever expect a person whose heart and soul are so corrupted that they would dare to commit such a crime in the first place, to feel deterred merely by some extra layers of fabric. Numerous women have been sexually assaulted and raped while wearing their hijab.

One sister — a convert who wears the hijab and relied upon a small group of other Muslims to be her “community” — shared the following:

“… I thought it was weird for him to sit so close to me, but I didn’t really think anything of it. He’s a “good boy.” Prays five times a day. Ten years my senior and a PhD student at my university. Super intelligent. Calls his mother (who lives overseas) every day despite time zone differences. Meets all the markers of a good person. But I don’t think I’ve ever been alone with him before this.

We were just talking, he paused and pulled me on top of him. Suddenly I was laying on him, and he was holding me against him tightly. I was super freaked out, but I laughed and was like, “[name], stop! What are you doing?” Obviously, I tried to push against him to get off, but he flipped me, so I was pinned underneath him in a matter of seconds, and he was straddling me. He ripped off my hijab, pulled up my shirt and bra and started to bite my breasts. 

I was completely in shock and tried to reason with him to stop. He said something like he’s seen how I look at him (???) and he knows I want him (?????). Completely, absolutely, disgustingly false. 

He held my hands down when I tried to push him off, and I began to fight him with everything I had in me. He pulled down my pants and started to penetrate me with his fingers. By then I was crying, and I kept on telling him over and over to stop, but he said to just let him do it. “If you really don’t like it then why are you so wet?” 

I was terrified and never felt so much like I’ve lost control of my body before. I remember just repeating his name endlessly, as if he would somehow hear his name and wake up and realize what he’s doing. I’ve never been intimate with a man even consensually, so it was beyond overwhelming. Eventually he said, “Relax, it’s not like I’m going to rape you.” And he stopped.

I never figured out what the heck he meant by that. Did he not realize what he just did?!? I put my clothes back on as fast as I could, and I left. I haven’t told anybody. I saw him once on campus by chance, and I felt like I was having a heart attack. For a few weeks after, he kept on texting me and asking how I was and stuff. I never responded. Throughout the entire ordeal and after, I get the feeling that he truly doesn’t think he did something wrong.

This was about three months ago, and none of my friends who were there with me even know. I feel like maybe I should tell the girls at least, so they can watch out for him, but they would never be so stupid to hang out with a man alone in his apartment. I do worry that they would judge me for it. My friends think I’m weird for never hanging out with them whenever I know he’s around, but I don’t know if they’ve put it together. It’s certainly distanced me from them in some regards. I’m a convert and my closest family lives a plane flight away, so these friends are really the only community I have.

I’ve thought about it literally every day. All the time. I’ve prayed and tried to find the same peace in my body as I did before, but it’s so difficult. I find myself wanting to make wudu over and over, and I never really feel pure again.”

“Women should always have a mahram with them!”

The dismissive claim that if women always had a mahram (close male relative – e.g. father, brother, uncle, son – or husband) with them, they wouldn’t experience sexual violence, is a blatantly false one.

First, there is no Islamic requirement for women to always be accompanied by a mahram. The requirement is one solely related to travel, and even then, there are differences of opinion regarding the conditions for this.

Second, and perhaps more importantly, many victims of sexual violence, particularly younger children, are attacked by people who actually are their mahaarim. Consider this: “Sexual violence against children and youth is more commonly perpetrated by someone known to the victim (75 percent), usually an acquaintance or a family member.”[2]

“I was 8. It was my father’s youngest brother. I didn’t know it was molestation or that it was wrong. After some years, I told my mum about it, she told my dad, and [it] drove them apart. About two years later, my parents got divorced because my mum couldn’t live with that. When I was 20, I told other family members, and my father’s sister said. “What will you gain out of this? You destroy the life of a now-married man? Cause suffering to his family and yours? No one will believe you anyways. You just lack decency.” (female victim)

“She was too seductive.”

The story shared above already demonstrates, “seductiveness” has nothing to do with sexual assault. Many victims of sexual assault are children — both boys and girls.

Statistics Canada reports: “The second most prevalent type of police-reported violence committed against children and youth is sexual assault. In 2008, there were over 13,600 child and youth victims of sexual offences reported to police. Over half (59%) of all victims of sexual assault were children and youth under the age of 18. The rate of sexual assaults against children and youth was 1.5 times higher than the rate for young adults aged 18 to 24 in 2008 (201 per 100,000 children and youth compared to 130 for young adults).”[3]

“I was around 12 years old. I used to go to this Maulana’s [Quran teacher] house for hifz [Quran memorization]. When Maulana was not around, he asked me to read to his son, who was a hafiz [one who has memorized the Quran]. One day this hafiz called me to his room and gave me a story to read. As I was going through the story, he tried to rape me. I screamed and told him to stop. He came to his senses and stopped. Felt like beating him up with a baseball bat. Never told anyone.” (Male victim)

“I don’t know which or whom started first, but I was seven and abused by two different men … a cousin and an “uncle.” Apparently, I was special, as I was allowed into my cousin’s man cave; no one was allowed in there except me. Hindsight is a beautiful thing, but I was allowed into a room that even my older brother wasn’t allowed to enter because I was special. It was a touch here and a touch there, until I guess he was comfortable enough to take out his “lollipop” for me to suck on. I was scared of the “lollipop.” I didn’t know what to make of it, but I was special, and that’s why I was given the “lollipop.” I can’t remember whether I sucked on the “lollipop,” but I remember being made to touch it and pet it. It’s funny how your brain works to block things out as you become .” (female survivor)

“This is what happens when our kids are exposed to Western kaafir[nonMuslim/disbeliever] culture.” Or, “Rape only happens to bad girls who are in bad places.”

Rape and sexual assault are just as much of an issue in the Muslim world, – in fact even in the holiest of places. Though many people choose to live in denial, the brutal truth is that unfortunately, women experience sexual harassment and assault even in the sacred cities of Makkah and Madinah and in the Masjid al-Haraam itself.

“A man, in an ihram, grabbed my hand and tried to force me close to him whilst I was doing sa’i [running back and forth between Safa and Marwa, one of the rites of Hajj].” (female victim; age 14 at the time.)

“When I was around 11 years old, my parents took me and my siblings for umrah [the lesser pilgrimage]. We performed umrah and were on our way back to Pakistan. I wanted to use the washroom at Jeddah airport. I went there with my little sisters. 

When we went to washroom, it was crowded because everyone was doing wudu [ablutions] to pray. I went to the washroom and my sisters were waiting outside. It took me a long time, so all the older women had left.

Some man came in and told my sisters to leave too and that people weren’t allowed to come in the washroom. They were 4 and 5, so they didn’t know anything and left me there alone. The man kept knocking at the door. I didn’t know it was a man; I thought it was a woman because it was the women’s washroom.  

I opened the door and he came in. I was so shocked and scared. I was trembling with fear; I was so confused, I didn’t even know what was going on. I was molested there, and I was too shocked to shout or scream, but then I came to my senses and started screaming really loudly. Some men came inside the washroom and started banging on the door, so this guy pulled up his pants, opened the door and ran away.

People were trying to run after him. I don’t know what happened after that because my parents came and took me away. I think they handled it, but we never spoke about it, so I don’t know what happened after it.

It was my first time being molested. Before this, I didn’t even know there was such a thing or that this happens to people. My mum told me not to tell my dad that the man touched me, and to just say the other men came before he could touch me – otherwise, my dad would disown me. So that’s what I did. 

I was very scared to go to school after it because we had many male teachers and there were lots of men around. My 11-year-old brain was too terrified to be around men for around a year.  My mum told me not to tell anyone back home about it, and everyone was just quiet. No one said anything else.” (female victim)

These are just some examples of the common sentiments expressed by Muslims with regards to sexual violence. In turn, each and every story quoted herein was submitted to me directly by the survivors of these crimes. These harrowing stories prove just how false the prevalent ideas surrounding sexual violence in the Muslim community are.

It must be emphasized that none of these statements so many Muslims give in regard to sexual abuse are considered to be Islamically valid or acceptable. They are abhorrent; these mentalities are what allow sexual crimes to continue to be perpetrated in our communities, with little to no accountability for the criminals, and with very few resources or support for the victims.

[1] https://islamqa.info/en/13998

[2] https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/85f0033m/2010023/part-partie1-eng.htm#h2_5

[3] Ibid

Wahn 'alaa Wahn

Amongst the many reasons that Allah described what a mother goes through as "wahn 'alaa wahn" is that the process of reproduction is one that is both physically and emotionally devastating.

In a best case scenario, a woman is married to a good man who loves her and takes care of her, has a strong support system, and access to medical and social resources.
But it is still her body which is being used to keep this new creation alive - for 9 months of pregnancy, during which her own bodily resources are drained; during childbirth, which is one of the most severe traumas a human body can experience in the course of a normal lifetime; and for 2 years more, when she breastfeeds and is the sole or primary caretaker of the child.

But in a worst case scenario? Or even a less-than-absolute-worse-case scenario?
There are numerous women forced into pregnancy against their wills, with men who do not care about their well-being. They have no support network, are expected to maintain certain duties regardless of their health, likely have other children whom they are responsible for, and may even be expected to contribute to the household financially or with physical labour. Access to birth control, abortion, or basic medical resources is limited or non-existent.
Pregnancy is used as a form of control over women. Numerous women stay in abusive relationships "for the kids"; they are reluctant to leave without their children and are often threatened with the idea of their children being taken away from them; they are also impregnated in order to make them less mobile and even more financially dependent. And, of course, the risk of maternal mortality is ever-present, moreso in some areas than others.

If all this sounds outlandish to you... it's likely because you are not a woman, or are privileged enough to be oblivious to these realities of numerous women around the world.

The process of reproduction is not a joyride, or something that most women engage in with ulterior motives or as an advantage to be wielded over men.
Rather, it is an experience that not only irrevocably changes our bodies, but impacts our lives permanently in every other way as well - with devastating outcomes for those who cannot afford the privileges of a healthy relationship or the medical, emotional, and material resources required to guarantee a basic level of stability.

Dead or Alive: Stories of Muslim Women Who Had Abortions

Having discussed the purely legalistic aspects of abortion, from both a secular and Islamic perspective, it is also important to recognize the on-the-ground reality of why women seek abortions to begin with – and in particular, why Muslim women undergo abortion.

While there are quite a few statistics and studies available on why women get abortions, it is important to note that they are primarily based on information from North America and Europe. There is very little detailed information about why women in non-Western countries (both Muslim and non-Muslim) seek abortions, and even less that is specifically focused on Muslim women.

The Abortion Rights Coalition of Canada[1] lists the following reasons:

• Birth control failure (measures were taken to prevent pregnancy but were unsuccessful).
• Finances (fear of not being able to afford a baby).
• Relationship issues (negative reaction from the partner following discovery of pregnancy; being in an abusive relationship)
• Medical complications (whether in relation to the mother or to the fetus).
• Personal circumstances (not feeling ready to have a child; having a child would interfere with school or career; already has children and does not want more).

The Guttmacher Institute published a paper titled “Reasons U.S. Women Have Abortions: Quantitative and Qualitative Perspectives[2],” and listed the following as the most prevalent reasons (some of which overlap with one another):

• Interference with work, school, or ability to care for dependents (74%)
• Finances (73%)
• Relationship issues (48%)
• Family structure (4 in 10 women said they had completed their
  childbearing, and almost one-third were not ready to have a child)
• Medical concerns (13% of women were concerned about their or the fetus’s health)

The above statistics list the reasons in the most summarized manner, without specifically mentioning details regarding the drop in abortion rates, ethnic and socio-economic backgrounds of the respondents, and their age and education levels. It should be noted that once education, socio-economic background, and ethnicity is factored in, the reasons and the percentages of abortions that take place rise.

According to the Guttmacher Institute, “Women who are aged 18-29, unmarried, black or Hispanic, or economically disadvantaged—including those on Medicaid—have higher abortion rates. The overall abortion rate decreased by 11% between 1994 and 2000. The decline was greatest for 15-17-year-olds, women in the highest income category, those with college degrees and those with no religious affiliation.

Abortion rates for women with incomes below 200% of poverty and for women with Medicaid coverage increased between 1994 and 2000. The rate of decline in abortion among black and Hispanic adolescents was lower than that among white adolescents, and the abortion rate among poor teenagers increased substantially.”[3]

Of course, these statistics are drawn from primarily non-Muslim populations, with greatly differing religious values, cultural backgrounds, and access to medical facilities that provide abortions in a safe manner.

With regards to Muslim women, there is almost no detailed information regarding their experiences with abortion. The sole study available online that focuses specifically on Muslim women is found through the official journal of the College of Family Physicians of Canada.

In a paper titled, “Muslim Women Having Abortions in Canada,” the authors of the study collected answers from questionnaires distributed at two urban abortion clinics. 53 self-identified Muslim women responded, providing insight into their personal views and experiences.

Muslim Women Attitudes 

When asked about their Muslim beliefs and practices, 51 participants (96.2%) agreed with the statement “Any Muslim woman has the right to have an abortion,” 17 (32.1%) “agreed with Islamic principles,” 14 (26.4%) agreed (always or sometimes) that “Islam prevented a woman from having another child after an abortion,” 26 (49.1%) said they felt guilty because of Islam, 24 (45.3%) said they prayed every week, and 21 (39.6%) said that they used prayer and meditation to deal with their guilt.

A third of the women (n = 16, 30.2%) were completely pro-choice and said all the reasons a woman should be allowed to have an abortion listed in the questionnaire were acceptable, while the others had reservations and 11 (20.8%) identified only one acceptable reason.

There remain numerous unanswered questions about how common it is for Muslim women to seek abortions (whether in Western countries or otherwise), why they seek abortions, the role of family pressure, fiqhi opinion, and more.

Despite the lack of statistics, however, it is not impossible to gain some insight into Muslim women’s personal experiences with abortion. Upon request, Muslim women did respond to a call out for sharing their experiences with the public. The following are a compilation of various Muslim women’s stories about their ordeals.

Sister A:

I have had two abortions and believe me, more often than not, I sink into depression thinking of the sin i have committed.

Both instances my husband wasn’t ready for them. He wouldn’t even let his finger touch me until I went through it.

It was a painful experience, especially when you are sitting in that room alone with a video that is playing about how an abortion is carried out. And I was told the heart was beating in mine. I sat through that video with tears streaming down my face, lay down on the bed crying, and I felt like my heart was being ripped open when I heard the equipment sucking out that tiny blood clot with its heart beating. And till today, I sometimes think about it and cry.

You may wonder why I didn’t stand up to it. I did, when it was with my son. I stood my ground and had him. Now he is a young man of 13 years, my firstborn being a girl now 17 years old.

My marriage was an arranged one. That was the culture and it was such in my community. I was 17 years old then. I didn’t have much of a choice then. It didn’t mean I didn’t love my husband. I had to.

We had our differences. I guess it was the upbringing.

18 years later, I stand as a single mother and I am happy alhamdulillah. I am blessed with 2 beautiful children. It’s been 5 years and life goes on. even if it is a struggle

…

Star Hussain:

Back when I first converted to Islam, I was 19 and desperately in love with my Muslim boyfriend. He made me get an abortion using multiple methods of emotional blackmail – even after I tried to leave.

He wasn’t ready to be married, and he didn’t want to be “that guy” that had a child out of wedlock. It nearly killed me – and I married him later anyway out of guilt. I now have two wonderful kids, and he ended up dying of cancer several years ago.

I still think about the abortion with regret, and will fight so that no man gets to decide what women do. If I had my choice, I would have had the baby. But other women being forced to give birth by men is just as wrong. What we don’t understand when we sit in judgement, is that no matter what law is put into place, there will be an unintended innocent victim of it. Allah subhana wata’allah will judge me – I do not feel adequate to judge others.

…

Gretchen Balmer:

I scheduled two appointments for abortion during my last pregnancy. It was unplanned and my marriage was ending; we separated when I was 7.5 months along. When I was considering it it was very early and I consulted with a trusted teacher and our local Imam, both of whom said it was permissible but still discouraged it.

It was a very difficult decision. But ultimately I chose to keep the baby and I’m glad I did. He is 2.5 now, delightful, and having him during such a difficult time in my life actually helped me to take better care of myself. Our marriage ended upon his birth, so it was very bittersweet. But I felt strong and capable and was surrounded by good women at home. It was my best birth by far.

…

Umm Aasiyah:

I remember doing an obs/gynae placement in Libya, and being present for a C-section where the baby was born with severe deformities. The problems had been picked up in pregnancy, and unfortunately the sort of deformities were such that a normal vaginal delivery was impossible, hence the C-section.

However, it appeared that both the parents and the clinical team were aware that the baby would probably not live long ex utero (although it is sometimes hard to predict these things).

Once born, alive, the baby was placed in another room, wrapped in a blanket but without any further medical care or incubation. The baby died within a few hours.

I have no idea about the distress to the family, or how much the baby suffered, or what they were even told later, or what the team felt.

I don’t know if termination would have been an option at that time. I know here in the U.K. it would have been – but that alternatively a live birth would have had compassionate support and as much medical input as deemed appropriate by family and medics. The situation I witnessed just seemed unbearable and inhumane. To Allah we belong and to Allah we shall return.

…

Katrina Daly Thompson:

My ex-husband tried to force me to have an abortion because I let a male ob-gyn examine me.

…

Sister B:

I have not admitted this to anyone whose views I know about it, but I had an abortion. Almost 4 years ago. My husband is in prison and has been for the last 6.5 years. I was in need of physical comfort and cheated on him with a guy I didn’t even like. I broke off the affair, then found out I was pregnant.

I had resolved to do the only thing I knew was right… I wanted to keep my child and raise him/her in the best way possible without his/her biological father knowing she even existed. I told my husband what happened. I told him I was pregnant. He immediately told me to get an abortion– it was either him of the baby that stayed in my life.

It was the hardest decision I had ever made. It was almost too late by the time I got an appointment for the procedure.

Sometimes, I wish it was. I remember getting into the room, dropping to my knees, placing my forehead on the ground in sujood and asking Allah and my baby to forgive me for the evil I was about to commit. I bawled so hard for a few minutes like that.

Finally, I felt a calmness, an almost disconnect from the baby. And in that moment, I stood up and began to undress. The nurse must have heard me crying, because she came into the room a few seconds after I started getting undressed and asked if I was alright.

In a fog of a strange calmness, I told her yes. I finished undressing, then waited my turn. The nurse stood by my side as the doctor did her thing. The nurse told me that if I needed to, I could hold her hand. I left my hands folded over my upper abdomen, my face turned away from her so she wouldn’t see my silent tear.

Afterward, in the recovery room, I was given a warm blanket and some pain relief. I remember leaving the clinic and driving home. I had work the next day. It felt like menses cramps, and I felt empty.

A couple weeks later, my niece was born. She and I have a special bond, I think. When I held her for the first time, her tiny hand was resting on my uterus, almost like she was telling me it’s okay, aunty, your baby is happy and you will be too.

My husband and I are still together, though we’ve had a very rough 3 years. He is still in prison, and comes home in 2.5 years. This last year has been hard, but we are both growing as individuals and as a couple. He’s learned to trust me again, and he has apologised for having given me such an impossible choice. We’ve talked about it a few times over the years, and he said this on his own.

I cut ties with the young man before I found out I was pregnant, and have not spoken to him since. I have no right to play the victim, and I don’t, but I mourn the loss of my child whenever I hear stories of others having miscarried or stillbirths or abortions.

This is the first time I have told the full story. I am still unaware of any physical pain that may have occurred during or after the procedure. I know that time heals, and I can only hope and pray that Allah and my child forgive me on Judgement Day. There are days that I regret this decision deeply…others where I feel the bittersweet relief that I did this, the feel the twinges of guilt for having taken a life.

Sister C:

I had a very brief disastrous marriage to a dude who turned out to have severe psychological issues, horrific OCD to be precise – he used to scrub his hands and arms raw with a scouring pad under scalding water after touching me

Failed to persuade him to get support (i.e. counselling). I consulted a Hanafi scholar who specialised in marital counseling, who tried to counsel dude, dude resisted, I eventually asked for talaq, got it.

Then found out I was pregnant
This was when my first child was still in Turkey (being kept away from me by her biological father), so I thought I’d die childless and I wanted to keep baby

Dude said he would take me back as wife against my will if I kept the baby and would have social services take it away from me. He said he’d tell them I was mentally unstable or violent or whatever. He didn’t like loose ends and didn’t want to have a kid knocking around somewhere without his full control over its upbringing.

Long story short, he kinda blackmailed me into terminating the pregnancy. I asked the same scholar who said the largest majority of scholars okayed abortion before 40 days was up.  He said that because I’d lost my child already and having another taken away from me would devastate me, he considered circumstances appropriate

So I had the foetus “chemically terminated ”  as they call it. It was pretty horrible.

On the other hand, Alhamdulillah, because no way would I have married my husband if I hadn’t got the termination, and Allah replaced what I lost with that which is so much better Alhamdulillah.

…

Conclusion

While the above are certainly not equivalent to detailed studies and statistics, they shed light upon the lived realities of Muslim women with regards to abortion. These personal anecdotes differ sharply in many ways from assumptions held about women in such situations. It is sorrowful to note that in many of these cases, the women were pressured into undergoing abortion due to the coercion of men.

In some cases, women have actually been encouraged to get an abortion by doctors who did not think that it was ‘worth’ going through a pregnancy that would result in a child with a likelihood of Down’s Syndrome or other such medical exceptionalities.

All of this flies contrary to the misconception that women are flippant about abortion or use it as a means of merely enabling a promiscuous lifestyle.

There are many in the Muslim community who worry that the masses are becoming more and more heavily influenced by secular liberal attitudes towards sexual promiscuity and ‘traditional family values.’

One such concern is regarding the idea of “my body, my rules.” It is true that in Islam, no human being – male or female – is truly free to make any and all decisions regarding their own bodies. For example, tattoos are explicitly prohibited in the Shari’ah, as mentioned in the following hadith:

The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said the one who gives tattoos and the one who receives them have been cursed, as well as the one who makes hair extensions and the one who receives them…(Sunan An-Nasa’i 3416, graded saheeh.)

Zina is another sin which is prohibited for both men and women at an equal level of seriousness, as Allah alone is the Law-Maker and decreed that such actions are dire transgressions. Thus, insofar as the idea goes that any human being should be able to do anything they want with their bodies, this does not hold completely true in the Islamic sense.

However, this also does not mean that people have no say at all when it comes to issues such as reproduction. As the previous articles illustrated in detail, there are definitely situations where individual circumstances are taken seriously and into consideration.

Far too many laypeople are far too quick to pass quasi-scholarly rulings that they are not qualified to make, and to make harsh judgements about others whose situations they are not aware of. When it comes to something like abortion, the masses must realize that this is not a topic which any one person should feel free to comment on. Rather, the sensitivity of the matter, in each and every individual situation, must be taken into consideration by those who are indeed qualified and required to deal with these cases.

As Muslims, we should be wary of going to any extreme, whether it be the perceived ‘liberal’ extreme of rejecting anything originating from Divine Law, or the conservative extreme wherein harshness and the most stringent option – even when there is a permissible, more lenient option – are viewed as being more righteous merely by dint of being more difficult.

Rather, we should remember that before making blanket statements and general assumptions about topics such as abortion, we should be aware that such sensitive issues require qualified scholarly input. As well, it should be at the forefront of our mind that Islam is the Middle Path – that we have been described as Ummatun Wasatun, the community of moderation. Islam came as a mercy to humankind, with a Divine Law imbued with compassion and wisdom.

We pray that Allah guides us all to that which is most beloved to Him, to protect us from times of trial and tribulation in our personal lives, and to fill our own hearts with mercy towards those going through such times, ameen.

[1] http://www.arcc-cdac.ca/postionpapers/26-Why-Do-Women-Have-Abortions.pdf

[2] https://www.guttmacher.org/sites/default/files/pdfs/journals/3711005.pdf

[3]https://www.guttmacher.org/journals/psrh/2002/09/patterns-socioeconomic-characteristics-women-obtaining-abortions-2000-2001