Sunday, September 23, 2018

Seeing how excited my daughter gets when she hears a woman reciting Qur'an, or sees a shaykha, or learns about someone like Sahar Al-Faifi​​, highlights over and over again how important it is for Muslim girls to see Muslim women active in religious/social/political spaces.

I want *every* Muslim girl to grow up not only that female scholars, reciters and activists exist, but that they are present and accessible.

I want every Muslim girl to grow up knowing that she has equal claim to Islamic knowledge, to elevate her voice in the recitation of Qur'an.

I want every Muslim girl to know that when she has fears or doubts or worries or even the most mundane of religious questions, she can turn around and find women of Islamic knowledge to listen to her, understand her, and be a safe space of guidance for her.

I want every Muslim girl to be able to say, "Oh yeah, I know Shaykha So-and-So! Yes, let's ask her!"

I want every Muslim girl to know that she has every right to pursue a future in the Islamic sciences; that she won't be dismissed because of her gender; that her contribution will be viewed as just as valuable and meritous as that of any male.

I want her to know that her Lord loves her and will elevate her for piety just as He elevated Maryam (as), Hajar (as), Asiya (as) and so many women who drew close to Him in love, worship, and obedience.

I want every Muslim girl to know that her questions and her concerns are not a source of fitnah, but a motivation to pursue a deeper understanding of the Deen.

I want every Muslim girl to know that her tests of emaan are not because she is inherently corrupt, but because she is being pushed to seek more than kneejerk reactions or shallow responses. She is being pushed to learn more about her Lord and His Wisdom and Justice. She is being pushed to learn what she needs to know to increase in love for her Creator.

I want every Muslim girl to know that her faith should not be dictated by or dependent on men telling her what she should feel or think or whether her faith is "strong enough";  rather, her relationship with Allah should always be nurtured and strengthened positively.

A Muslim woman's faith should not be the battleground on which the socio-religious politics of liberalism vs traditionalism is fought.

A Muslim woman's faith is precious, and should be fought *for* - not over.

And the only way to fight this war - not of gender, but of tawheed against shirk - is to remember that our women are not weak, but warriors.

Our girls carry within themselves the faith of Khadijah, the sacrifice of Sumayyah, the courage of Nusaybah, the ferocity of Hind.

Let us give them, then, the foundations that those women had; the support and the protection of their brothers, their fathers, their husbands and their sons.

Let us give our girls the knowledge and the respect and the wisdom that those women held, and passed down.

Let us raise our daughters not to live eternally on the sidelines, but to fight for their own faith, to learn it, to teach it, and to carry it forward for the next generation of Muslims, male and female, and the generation after that one, and the next, and the next.

{The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those - Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.} (Qur'an 9:71)

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

To Marry Conservative Muslim Men or Not to Marry Conservative Muslim Men, That is the Question...

To continue with the marital spiels:
I never discourage marrying conservative Muslim men.
(You may never have guessed it, but I am in fact married to a spectacularly conservative Muslim man. *gasp*shock*horror*. He posits himself as pro-women's-rights-but-anti-feminist-paradigm.)
Here's the thing. A conservative Muslim man is not automatically misogynistic, though he may very well represent the patriarchy in its somewhat more annoying forms.
There are conservative Muslim men who do *not* accept or make excuses for abuse; there are conservative Muslim men who care deeply about being #TrueQawwam, responsible leaders and loving, respectful, considerate husbands and partners who genuinely take their wives seriously.
There are conservative Muslim men who are kind, intelligent, willing to listen to other views, and even change their opinions for the better.
There are conservative Muslim men who are funny, charming, make excellent friends-who-are-awesome-husbands, and are genuinely concerned with improving themselves as individuals.
There are conservative Muslim men who will stand up for women in their families, in their masaajid, and in society at large.
They may abhor the idea of feminism as it is spoken about and debated and discussed, but they are the very first allies and advocates for women.
As a woman whose previous marriage involved the nightmare idea of "conservative Muslim man," I can tell you that there is a world of difference between the type that uses religion to hold you back and hurt you, and the type that believes in religion as a means for *everyone* to flourish and improve.
Having had that previous experience, I appreciate more than ever that the husband I have now is someone who sincerely tries his best to do right by me, and by the others whom he is responsible for.
It also puts into perspective what one's marital priorities should be - certainly, one should never marry a misogynist (get the hell out ASAP if you are), but neither do we need to pull out certain specifically "feminist" checklists to compare every man against.
Rather, focus on the deeply important things: whether he is someone who will respect you as a human being, as a woman, as a partner, as a wife, as possibly a mother; how he conducts himself in times of anger as well as times of peace; whether he despises abuse in all its forms.
Is he someone who will support you, encourage you, and be at your side when you need him to be? Will he be able to handle differences of opinion, no matter how heated they might get? Will he put his family as a priority above the bro's club and social norms and expectations?
There will never be someone who is 100% perfect. All people suck, including ourselves.
Sometimes the greatest growth in a marriage is learning how to identify the things that really matter, vs things which are far more surface level but which we've given too much importance to.
Again, differences of opinion are not always bad - in fiqh or in marriage. Rather, it is how one handles those differences, and giving each other the space to learn and grow and respect one another, is the greatest priority.
(Unless, of course, they're abusive jerkfaces.)
Obviously, no one is perfect - neither men nor women. There will always be growing pains in marriage, conflicts of both the personal kind as well as the ideological. There will be times when you simply won't agree, when there is no resolution to the matter, and when you just have to agree to disagree and/or troll them for eternity.
Debate is healthy. It's totally okay to have robust, hours-long (sometimes days-longs) arguments about SJW buzzwords and feminist ideas and bro's club triggers. Just don't let it affect the rest of your marital life for the worse.

Muslim Adulting 101

Since I am in aunty mode about marriage - I got thoroughly crabby seeing young Muslim men and women on Twitter complaining about how there's no one out there responsible enough for marriage and whatnot.
So here is a very basic list of some adulting skills that everyone should know at least *some* of in preparation for marriage.
(Disclaimer: I learned roughly half these things in the year before marriage, and the rest during first year of marriage. I do not claim to be an expert. I got married at 18, had a kid at 19, and was adulting at a semi proficient level by 20... although yes, I still frantically text my mother even now.)
I learned most of this while living in Egypt (with occasional stints in the village) and in Kuwait (as a broke non-Kuwaiti, not as a spoiled khaleeji). You learn a lot of things the hard way, like how to toast bread on the stove when you can't afford a toaster. Husband, your commentary is unnecessary here.)
Whether male or female, you should know how to make at least 3 breakfast items (toast and frozen items don't count) - depends on your culture, but it should be basic and easy, e.g. scrambled eggs, oatmeal, fool, za3tar and laban, etc.
Same applies for lunch and dinner. Doesn't have to be fancy, but you need to know the basics. Get up and go learn from your mom or dad or Pinterest or whatever. Just learn it instead of daydreaming about your spouse cooking for you. IT'S CALLED SURVIVAL SKILLS. (I learned from Canadian Living, before Pinterest was a thing. My mother still hasn't forgiven me.)
Do your own damn laundry. Know the difference between hot water wash (and what items to use it for), and cold water/ delicates. DON'T MIX A RED ITEM WITH WHITE. (Yes, I ruined my own delicates and the Mouseling's brand new baby onesies. Ugh.)
Know how to make a budget, and how to stick to it. Learn how to avoid debt under all circumstances. Yes, this means being frugal. Yes, this means couponing. Yes, this means not spending $5 every day at Starbucks if you can't afford it. Yes, this means buying things on clearance.
If you weren't raised by cheap desi parents who taught you every budgeting trick there is, then go read a book or look up online how best to budget.
And don't just budget for your immediate needs - anticipate future expenses, create a savings account (for school, Hajj, wedding).
Learn how to be a good host/hostess. That means knowing the adab/ etiquette of having guests over - offering them water or drinks when they come in and are seated, knowing how to turn half a package of Oreos and some cheese sticks into a presentable snack tray, etc.
Growing up, I always saw my parents being extremely generous hosts, even when completely unprepared, and they trained my brothers and I without even realizing it. Kudos to Arabs especially for really knowing how to provide a beautiful experience for their guests.
Learn how to iron. I hate ironing, I avoid doing it as much as possible, I still don't always have the hang of ironing men's shirts (but I can starch a ghutrah like no one's business), but LEARN THE BASICS OF IRONING and how not to burn your brand-new abayah.
Men: this still applies to you. Learn to iron your own clothes. Also learn to iron women's clothing. (Especially hijabs and abayas.)
My grandfather ironed my grandmother's clothes every day, and she always looked like she'd just stepped out of a desi granny fashion mag.
Bonus points if you know how to light bukhoor/ agar bhatti/ Yankee candles.
Good scents are from the Sunnah, and it is a habit that one should make regular for the household. There's nothing quite like walking in through the door and inhaling beautiful incense.
(Unless you or others in your home are allergic to perfumes and strong scents, in which case, never mind.)
Know how to clean a bathroom. That means scrubbing the toilet at least once a week, the bathtub a few times a month, and generally sanitizing all surfaces.
There is nothing nastier than leaving a mess in your bathroom and doing nothing to clean it.
AND NO, GENDER STEREOTYPES ABOUT MEN LEAVING MESSES ON TOILET SEATS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.
FIQH OF TAHARA, PEOPLE.
Know how to operate a vacuum, and how to sweep and mop as well.
If you're not doing this in your/ your parents' home, you don't deserve to have a marital home.
Learn how to sew a basic stitch in case of emergencies. I'm not asking you to embroider a tapestry or tailor make a suit, but knowing how to thread a needle and mend a tear or rip is super duper handy. (I failed every sewing class my mother put me in, and my current pile of torn clothing is at her house, but yes, I can technically mend a tear.)
For more Muslim-specific adulting: be the person who wakes everyone up for Fajr (or sets enough alarms that eventually, *someone* will wake up).
In Ramadan, be the person who helps with suhoor and iftaar.
Be the person who reminds the rest of the household to fulfill sunan of Jumu'ah - doing ghusl, wearing best clothes, surah Kahf etc.
Call the adhaan for every salah and encourage everyone at home to pray together.
Remember the hadith of Aishah, describe RasulAllah doing chores.
Ensure that the rizq entering your home is scrupulously halal.
Try to ensure that the food consumed in your home is both halal and tayyib.
Standard sunnah foods to keep on hand: honey, dates, black seed and black seed oil, olive oil. Make it a habit to ruqya-fy honey & oils.
(I.e. recite ayaat used for ruqya over your water, honey, olive and black seed oils. It is a means of protection and benefit, regardless of whether you have ayn or sihr issues; it's beneficial even for physical ailments.
Pro tip: buy big jars/bottles and recite over them.)
Recite Qur'an often in the home. Have it playing regularly on audio.
Say the adhkaar for entering and leaving home, for morning and evening etc.
And that, folks, is a 101 to Basic Muslim-y Adulting. I don't want to hear any whining on the TL about how Muslim boys/ girls aren't responsible enough for marriage. Fulfill this checklist, and you'll be decently prepared for the adulting part. This all applies to men and women equally.
P.S. never underestimate the importance of Tupperwares, and by Tupperware I don't mean the brand name, I mean washing out and using every yogurt tub, jam jar, and pasta bottle you use.

Rape Culture in the Muslim Community

How does rape culture manifest within the Muslim community? What are things you have heard said (by leaders or otherwise) to dismiss or justify rape and sexual crimes, or blame victims?
Personally, the line "If she just wore hijab/niqab" enrages me beyond belief.
Hijab is NOT a force field.
Yes, it is an obligation. Yes, there is a wisdom behind it. Yes, in some cases it does deter a certain type of attention. It does NOT physically prevent a rapist from raping his victim.
Also: "Women should always have a mahram with them."
No, you idiot, we only need a mahram for traveling, not for going to the grocery store.
Also, newsflash, a large number of sexual assault victims are attacked BY mahrams.
"She was too seductive."
Many victims of sexual assault are CHILDREN. And boys, not just girls.
"This is what happens when our kids are exposed to Western kaafir culture."
Rape and sexual assault are just as much of an issue in the Muslim world. It is NOT "a Western problem."
"This is why women are supposed to stay indoors."
We are not prisoners. It is not haraam for us to leave our homes. We are ALLOWED to exist in the public sphere. It is halaal for us to go to school, to work, to go to a park, to walk the streets for perfectly normal reasons.
"A woman's honour is in her virginity."
No. It does not. Her honour lies in her mere existence as a human being, a believing woman. Her 'izzah is not stripped away just because someone violated the sanctity of her body. (Nor does a boy or another man who has been raped or sexually attacked lose their "honour.")
Dishonour belongs solely to the abusers and predators.
"Rape only happens to bad girls who are in bad places."
There have been boys who are raped in masaajid. Girls raped by family members in their own homes. Men and women sexually assaulted by strangers in public places such as the store, the bus, the park.
Indeed, women experience sexual assault IN the Haram itself, during Hajj and Umrah!
"There's no such thing as marital rape."
Okay, don't call it that then.
But if you are physically forcing an unwilling individual into a sexual encounter, such that you are causing them physical, emotional, and psychological harm...
Then it is wrong. Full stop. And no, the "angels cursing" hadith is not a defense or justification - rather, it is evidence against such behaviour to begin with.
It is prohibited to harm a fellow Muslim, in word or in deed, whether or not you are married to them.
"Someone who was raped is the same as someone who committed zina."
Absolutely hell no.
Zina is consensual. Rape is not. The one who has been raped is the victim of a crime; they are not considered equal to the one who willingly engaged in zina.
The Hadd punishment does NOT apply to the victim of rape. The ONLY person to be punished is the rapist themselves.
Anyone who claims otherwise is horrifically, disgustingly ignorant - or flat out evil if they do know the truth but insist otherwise.
"Boys and men cannot be raped or sexually assaulted."
They can be, and sadly, they are. Sometimes by other boys and men, and sometimes even by women. Girls and women can also sexually assaulted by other women.
It is NEVER okay and the victim is never to blame, regardless of gender.
There is, unfortunately, a great deal of ignorance and even wilfull denial over the reality of rape and sexual assault - how it is perceived within the Shar'iah, how common it is in our communities, and how we should deal with it.
As Muslims, we *must* be concerned with justice. We MUST be dedicated to upholding the rights of the vulnerable, eradicating these types of crimes, and dealing with the perpetrators severely. We cannot afford to enable or protect these criminals - our Aakhirah is at stake.
Allah has commanded us to enjoin the good and forbid the evil; we are an Ummah sent to uphold His laws, to hold transgressors accountable, and to fight against oppression wherever it may be - whether it is political or social.
{Let there arise out of you a group of people inviting to all that is good, enjoining the good and forbidding evil. And it is they who are the successful.} (Qur'an 3:104)
{You are the best nation produced [as an example] for mankind. You enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and believe in Allah.} (Qur'an 3:110)

Thursday, September 13, 2018

"Traditional Islamic Gender Roles"... or Not.

I am still in aunty marriage mode, but today's post will feature some Salafi feminist ranting, so buckle in.
Dear bros, especially the good ones: when your rishta bio data includes the phrase "traditional Islamic gender roles," "pious housewife," or any variation thereof, know that you aren't just filtering out "those secular liberal independent career women" types. You're also pushing away Muslim women who are religious, conservative, and in fact far more inclined to being what may - be your idea of a good Muslim wife.
Let me explain.
The phrase "traditional Islamic gender roles" & its variations carries a certain type of connotation.
While bros might think it's just an innocent way of saying they want something specific in marriage, the truth is that it has a far more negative meaning for many Muslim women.
Unfortunately, due to a combination of lingering 90s da'wah "the ideal Muslim woman" talks and lectures, the insistence on the Muslim community to fixate on "the role of women," and cultural standards conflated with religion, the message that Muslim women have been taught is that "traditional Islamic gender roles" means a situation where, as women, we are expected to remain at home and solely devote ourselves to husband, home and children - with no other interests or pursuits whatsoever.
Some people might scoff at this & say this doesn't happen anymore.
I am here to tell you that it most certainly does - been there, done that (probably should have gotten the t-shirt). This idea has *not* been stamped out, especially not from the minds of many young Muslim men, who do feel entitled to a marital situation where the wife is indeed wholly focused on his comfort and demands.
As Muslim women, we rightly feel wary when brothers trot out "traditional Islamic gender roles" - not because we are opposed to being wives who don't have a problem with cooking and cleaning, or because we want to dump any children we have in daycare - but because for so long, the phrase has been an euphemism for patriarchy to rule supreme.
The truth is that the culturally absorbed idea of "traditional Islamic gender roles" is not only incredibly narrow and restricted, but doesn't even represent the reality of the first Muslims.
The female Companions of RasulAllah (sallAllahu alayhi wa sallam) *did* often work outside the home - whether in the fields, the marketplace, or even as servants in other people's homes.
Nor was every mother housebound with her children; most women had a larger family network, young sons would often accompany their fathers and male relatives outside as apprentices learning passed-down skills; slavery was common enough that not every woman was obliged to be "domestic."
Our conception of stay at home mothers is really quite recent and new, & does not have any particular special bearing in our Islamic history.
Unfortunately, the binary that was created for women - either being a SAHM or a secular/liberal "career woman" - doesn't reflect reality either.
There are women who work from home in addition to having children and fulfilling the (Western idea of) housewife role. There are women who work part time outside the home yet are dedicated to their families. There are women who are employed in specifically Islamic fields or contexts; there are women who do have "careers" but who do not belittle or dismiss the idea of being a loving wife and mother. There are women who love the idea of being SAHMs but also have other passions and pursuits, whether those be writing, volunteering, entrepreneurship.
When a Muslim bro says something like "traditional Islamic gender roles," it's a pretty good indication that he isn't aware of or interested in all the nuances mentioned above.
Someone could argue that maybe we women are making too many assumptions about these bros, but the truth is that so many of us have already been burned because we naively thought that *of course* a future husband will be reasonable about these things and be flexible... only to find ourselves in situations where that is absolutely not the case.
Once burned, twice shy - whether we experienced it the hard way or witnessed others around us in that situation, none of us are interested in putting ourselves in that particular line of fire, and we will most definitely be very cautious to avoid such a scenario.
If, as a bro looking to get married, you *do* want to talk about your preferences with regards to marital set up, work, children and so on... then have those discussions, by all means. Ask those questions. Ask the person you're talking to what *their* view of a happy and healthy family arrangement is. Ask about having kids, about work, about what the word "traditional" even means to them.
But for the sake of establishing truly healthy, happy, Islamic marriages and homes... just don't use the phrase "traditional Islamic gender roles."

Teaching madrasah tells you a lot about the families of the children themselves, and it's really quite touching.
There's the 6 year old Syrian girl, the daughter of refugees, who still struggles with English but eagerly tells me how she prays four of the daily salawaat but "I am sleep for sub'h so I cannot sallee then!"
There are two young brothers, one aged 9 and the other 11, who are also Syrian but born and raised in Canada; their family isn't really practicing but has recently made a commitment to having their kids taught better.
They stumble over the words of the new surah they are learning, and grin happily when I tell them that they're improving and learning fast.
There's the South African mom who just moved to the city two days ago but whose priority is to sign her son up for Islamic classes immediately.
Every family is different, with its own culture and personal history, its own unique struggles, but it is heartwarming to know that they all have made a conscious commitment and dedication to ensure that their children have a connection to their Deen.

Standing against the murder of anyone, for any reason, regardless of what sin they are committing, is NOT equivalent to condoning those sins or making it "safe" for them to commit those sins.
Indeed, as Muslims who worship a Just Lord, and a Merciful Lord, who forbade us from ever taking the lives of any individual outside of very specific situations, we should *never* be okay with a certain group of people being targeted for violence or death. We cannot and should not be "neutral" about it.
It doesn't matter how much we despise a sin, or a type of behaviour that offends our Islamic sensibilities. We, as Muslims, before anyone else, are bound by certain moral and legal restrictions that we are required to uphold - including the obligation to *not* act on our emotions against any individual or group whom we consider "too sinful."
Indeed, what many of us do not even consider is that even if certain groups of people are committing types of sins that we may consider nearly unforgivable - even those individuals may find themselves accepting Tawheed, become Muslim, and become people whose taqwa and good deeds far outdo our own. To think otherwise is nothing short of sheer arrogance.
If you think that we as Muslims should be "neutral" about LGBTQ people being murdered, or that we should oppose single stall gender neutral bathrooms just because it's safer for them (those bathrooms are convenient for everyone btw), then honestly... the only thought that occurs to me is that you have a sick, diseased heart that has perverted Islamic morals and values far beyond recognition.
It is perfectly possible to consider homosexual acts to be haraam, and to oppose the normalization of such relationships as halal, while also believing that LGBTQ individuals - like any human being - have the basic right to human safety and protection from murder and violence.
{And do not kill the soul which Allah has forbidden, except by right. And whoever is killed unjustly - We have given his heir authority, but let him not exceed limits in [the matter of] taking life. Indeed, he has been supported [by the law].} (17:33)
{Because of that, We decreed upon the Children of Israel that whoever kills a soul unless for a soul or for corruption [done] in the land - it is as if he had slain mankind entirely. And whoever saves one - it is as if he had saved mankind entirely.} (Qur'an 5:32)

The other day, my 8yo daughter rushed into my room, sobbing hysterically. Bewildered, I asked her what was wrong, and she broke down even more, finally confessing that she had remembered that she had done something really, really bad a few weeks ago and she now felt bad about it.
I coaxed her into telling me what it was, and she admitted all the gory details - what was, in essence, nothing very terrible at all, but mildly wrong at worst and really just a childish kind of thing to do to begin with.
Yet she sat on my lap, wracked with remorse, tears streaming down her face. "I feel so bad," she sobbed, "I know it was such a wrong thing to do! I'm so sorry!"
I hugged her, stroked her hair, and told her that it was okay, that I - and most importantly, Allah - still loved her. "You know," I told her, "Allah actually loves it when you say sorry to Him for anything bad that you did. It's good that you feel guilty, because it shows that you know the difference between right & wrong. The important thing to remember now is that Allah is the Most Merciful."
She remained quite emotional for a while, but eventually, as I reminded her that Allah is also the Most Loving and Most Forgiving, she slowly calmed down. "You won't tell anyone what I did, will you?" she asked anxiously.
"When you make mistakes like this, it's between you and Allah," I reassured her. "All you need to remember is to turn to Him and talk to Him in du'a. Shaytan wants you to feel so bad that you don't talk to Allah anymore, but Allah always love to see you asking for forgiveness."
In the end, she calmed down and resumed her day normally. I, on the other hand, have been mulling over the incident ever since it happened.
The whole scenario was a real-life playing out of the process of tawbah. How many of us commit sins and mistakes that we never even think about after they happen? Do we ever stop and remember what we did to someone else, or a sin that we committed secretly, and then feel overwhelmed with remorse? Do we channel that pain in the appropriate way, by remembering our Most Merciful, Loving, and Forgiving Creator?
Do we allow our guilt to push us away from Allah, or draw closer to Him? Do we remember to ask for His Forgiveness and sincerely resolve to refrain from that sin in the future? Do we remember how important it is for us to constantly talk to Allah?
It was certainly one of the more thought-provoking teachable parenting moments that I've had, less so for my daughter than for me.
It is in moments like these when the ayaat, ahadith, and scholarly reminders about the importance of spiritual repentance all become real and lived.
{Then Adam received from his Lord [some] words, and He accepted his repentance. Indeed, it is He who is the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful.} (Qur'an 2:37)
{Our Lord, and make us Muslims [in submission] to You and from our descendants a Muslim nation [in submission] to You. And show us our rites and accept our repentance. Indeed, You are the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful.} (2:128)