Who will write the love letters to our families?

Brown people in the West (okay, mostly desis) complaining about their families, about brown families, about the cultural drama and the marriage circus acts and the rest of it have become a staple of Brown People in the West narrative - sometimes accompanied by a dose of guilt-assuaging "but they were immigrants who worked so hard for us so here is a token note of appreciation, mostly about food because we're all still too lazy to learn our grandmothers' recipes."

We write angry hot takes about our racism (which is bad), our colourism (also bad), about arranged marriages and cultural expectations (although apparently arranged marriages are lowkey trendy now? I can't keep up tbh).

Who will write the love letters to our families?
The notes that say: I love my father's sarcasm and his tales of how he was of the first generations of Brown Kids Growing Up in the West; or:
My grandmother's blunt racist comments about our own people (and others) are horrifying but also contain an entire history lesson on Partition, Apartheid, and growing up Muslim in a non-Muslim land that was not in the West; or:
My mother's lingering FOB habits are still mildly annoying and occasionally cringe-worthy, but now I feel fiercely protective of the way she pronounces certain words and only I can laugh at her, but I never want her to stop being the way she is.

Who will write the love letters to our families?
The notes that say: Tribalism is wrong, but I understand why people went to war over the blood they share between one another's veins.
The blood that flows between us is hot with our family pride; it is the blood that we have spilled between ourselves over inheritances and bitter marriages, but every drop is cherished.
Any outsider who dares prick one of us with shame or humiliation will die a thousand deaths from a war raged upon them by every one of us who shares blood and bonds of kinship.

Who will write the love letters to our families?
The notes that say: When my cousin gives birth, her parents will fly from another country to this one; her mother will try to make her the same foods that she once consumed during her confinement, even though my cousin will insist on going for walks with the baby and sneaking some fast food.
When my cousin gives birth, her child will be precious, like mine is: we, this new generation, are reluctant to birth the four, five, six, seven children that our mothers and our grandmothers produced, and so our offspring are ever more carefully guarded.
When my cousin gives birth, her child and my child will the youngest of us, our blood shared in their veins; even now, we all feel the faint tug to cousins and second cousins and third cousins, and their children, despite the distances and the fact that we forget their names or that they even exist.

Who will write the love letters to our families?
The notes that say: I'm sorry you lost your inheritance to that other branch of the family, but thank you for the scandalous stories - of the aunty living under her dead co-wife's identity for over fifty years; of the distant cousins who allegedly committed murder most foul; of the great-aunt and great-uncle whose pot habit was just a matter of fact; of the grandmother's sister's husband, who refused to pray behind anyone else because "they know nothing about the religion!" (and who had a disturbing penchant for schoolgirls, because apparently he knew nothing about what religion had to say about that...).

Who will write the love letters to our families?
The notes that say: I bear the scars of the time I was disowned, of the bitterness that never really went away after divorce, of the terse words and angry tears over a decision that no one will ever really forgive - but still, we are family;
Even when we are tense over certain topics, or barbed comments still slip from our tongues, or we forget sometimes to pretend that nothing really happened, and our voices rise, some shrill, some low, some sharp - still, we are family;
These tongues share the same sharpness, these voices carry the same tenors, these noises hold the same pride, these chins share the same stubbornness - these veins hold the same blood, and so: we are family.

We are bound by a love and loyalty that has no justification or explanation; it lays in the marrow of our bones and the flow of our blood.

Who will write the love letters to our families?

Movie Review: Layla M.

There are very few movies that evoke an intense emotional reaction from me, and Layla M. is one of them. A Dutch-made film that follows the journey of a young Moroccan-Dutch woman, Layla M. feels disconcertingly realistic - and does, in fact, reflect the reality of many young Muslim men and women in today's world of political Islamophobia, jihadi Internet propaganda, and complex human emotions.

We meet the title character first as the disenchanted daughter of immigrants in Denmark, struggling to learn more about Islam and practice it overtly, even as she enjoys kicking around a soccer ball and deals with her not-quite-so-conservative family members.
Drawn into a social circle of other young Muslims who resent the increasing Islamophobia in Europe, Layla goes against her family's wishes. She dons the niqab - not so much as a symbol of inner spirituality as much as a gesture of political defiance disguised as Islamism - and then elopes with an overly zealous, equally young jihadi man.

As they flee across Europe to Jordan (making a pit stop where Layla is kept sitting in the car while her husband goes off to create a jihadi boy band nasheed video), we begin to see her realize the enormity of what she has done. The idealism of her beliefs slowly evaporates, her dreams of a marital partnership based on respect and equality increasingly crushed by every new limitation imposed upon her, and the horrifying recognition of what, exactly, her new life entails.

But what made Layla M. so painful for me to watch - and yet impossible to stop watching - was how it was akin to watching an alternate reality version of myself.
As a young teenager, I gloried in jihadi anasheed (not going to lie, my playlist is still full of the classics); I daydreamed of a grand hijrah, of marrying a brave, earnest mujaahid, of engaging in a glorious mission of social work and sacrifice and battle for the sake of the Muslim Ummah. (Spoiler: none of that happened IRL.) If not for the right set of circumstances (and a solid set of parents), it would have been all too easy for me to become Layla M.

Layla M. is not just some horror story of a young woman kidnapped by some crazed jihadi man and then held prisoner. No, Layla M. is about a smart young woman, someone who is acutely aware of the politics of Islamophobia, not just in a theoretical in-the-Muslim-world kind of way, but in a right-here-at-home kind of way. Layla feels the impact of the virulent hate spread against Muslims, and she chooses to join a certain social circle of individuals; she chooses to run away from home and marry a man with whom she already knew she could never have a 'normal' happily-ever-after with. Her inner sense of justice and what is right - what should be right - burns too strongly for her to be content with being a good girl, a quiet girl, an immigrant girl who assimilates silently.

Indeed, it is the lack of outright villainy which makes Layla M's story so disconcerting. Her husband Abdel is not an evil, abusive monster. He is young, like her, brash, overly confident, utterly clueless. Their wedding night is painfully awkward in the way of most Muslim virgins - and one almost sighs with relief on their behalf when she mumbles, "I'm on my period," and they settle down together with only slightly less awkwardness.
And yet, romance does grow - in a sense. Abdel takes himself too seriously, but in a scene that is both utterly heartbreaking as well as intensely cringeworthy, Layla pulls him into a dance with her, and they share a sweetness that every teenage jihadi fangirl dreams of (or maybe that was just me. I don't know. Don't judge, okay? I had a lot going on in my head at the time. Hormones, mostly.).

Layla M. is jarringly real in a way that the phrase "Instagram ISIS wives" could never feel real (despite being an actual thing). It cuts to the core of so many realities, of the harshness of growing up Muslim in an environment that despises the very essence of your identity, of the sexism that women face no matter how much equality and empowerment we seek in any community, of the severity of one's youthful decisions, played out not in one's neighborhood or at school, but in the context of international intrigue, national security, and political prisoners.

For some Muslims in the West - the privileged ones - Layla M. might feel overdone, overly dramatic, and completely ridiculous. For others amongst us, it might feel far too much like taking a look into what-might-have-been if we too had acted upon our own brash desires and convictions of universal truths. But for all viewers, Layla M. is a brilliantly crafted movie, one which is a meaningful contribution to the sparse selection of Muslim-relevant films.

In truth, nothing I say in this review can actually encapsulate what an emotional rollercoaster this movie was for me. Waking up from delusions of grandiose saving-the-Ummah daydreams is brutal, and while my own awakening was very different (marriage to someone who was decidedly not jihadi, promptly isolated and impregnated, and then eventually getting the hell out before finally living my own real life), there is always a part of me that remembers all too well what it was like to be a teenaged girl with such fantasies. And that part of me needed to see Layla M., as the closure that I never knew I needed.

Rating: 5/5 

The Almost-Polygynous Women's Checklist (Part 1)

DISCUSSIONS ABOUT POLYGYNY amongst Muslims tend to be quite stilted and repetitive – the same old tired mantras regarding a man’s “right” to take on other wives; that enduring the situation with patience is a first wife’s jihâd; that polygyny is a cure-all to half the Ummah’s social issues, from poverty to the divorce rate to single moms.

Rarely, however, are women–those who choose to go into polygyny as second or other subsequent wives—given advice on what they’re getting into. Amongst average Muslims who don’t necessarily have many positive associations with polygyny, second wives are viewed in a pretty harsh manner – as little more than secret mistresses, home-wreckers, and simply selfish.

The truth is more complex, however. In some cases, the women don’t even realize that they are second wives until after they get married, and only then are they informed (or sometimes, find out accidentally) that their husband already has another family. In other cases, it is an unfortunate reality that some women enter polygyny with the full knowledge that the first wife is completely unaware of what the husband has done.

Sadly, Muslims seem mired in unhealthy models of polygyny that are founded upon a lack of honesty, transparency, and consideration for others who will be impacted by the new marriage(s). There is little out there to provide practical advice on how one can begin a polygynous marriage and maintain it in a positive manner that seeks to embody the concept ofiḥsân (excellence) with regards to all parties involved.

Hopefully, one step in drawing closer to promoting healthier polygynous relationships is the following advice, from one polygynous woman to those who are considering polygyny or have already decided to enter it.

1. Don’t Be Naïve. Many women who think about entering polygyny as second or subsequent wives do so while being oblivious to the reality of polygynous life.One common trend is that men seeking other wives will attempt to woo the prospective spouse by telling her that he doesn’t ‘really’ love his first wife, that he’s only remaining married to her for the children/family, or that there is something deficient in the first wife that has led him to seek another woman. He will convince her that she will be the wife he truly loves, the only one he really cares for.
   This is a lie. Don’t fall for it.
   The truth is that these men are married to their first wives for a reason – if the situation were truly all that bad, he most likely would have divorced her already. Rather, he already has a solid and established relationship with his first wife; in most cases, the emotional bond that he has with her is such that he will never consider actually leaving her.
   Even so, such men often don’t feel too many qualms about going behind her back to marry another woman, very likely because he knows full well that she either has no option to leave him, or because she herself loves him deeply and would rather remain with him despite the deep emotional suffering he inflicts on her. Is that really the kind of man you want to marry?
   Be aware that the reality of polygyny is a far cry from “he’s a good guy who just can’t leave his first wife because of X-Y-Z.” A man who will truly be a good polygynous husband will have the courage to be open about his reasons for it without trotting out cliché lines that depend upon playing on women’s emotional needs and insecurities.
2. Be Honest With Yourself. Just as men need to be honest about their pursuit of polygyny, so must women. The assumption is that women considering poly are already aware of what it entails and are prepared for it. The reality is not so. Too often, women have unrealistic expectations or ideas about how poly will work – that they will be the ‘favorite’ wife, that they will be able to handle any hurdles (emotional or otherwise) that come their way, and that they will be able to have the best of both worlds, marriage and singlehood alike.The reality is far more complex. Marriage in and of itself is not easy – add polygyny into the mix, and it holds its own challenges.
   Women must realize that men have emotions as well, and that the husband’s relationship with the first wife is not simplistic but deeply layered with years of love, loyalty, and shared experiences. While one naturally expects that a first wife would feel a great deal of jealousy and emotional turmoil, the truth is that second wives do as well. Ask yourself – can I really handle knowing that he truly loves his first wife? Am I happy to know that he loves his first wife, or do I feel threatened?
   To be a successful polygynous wife, a woman must be able to face her fears, admit to her insecurities, and work hard to grow and improve as a person. Confidence, strong self-esteem, and a realistic perspective will go a long way in making polygyny easier to adjust to. Clinging to unhealthy ideals or unrealistic expectations is a surefire recipe for dragging down the relationship from the moment it begins.
   This is not to say that being confident and realistic will completely remove all negative emotions – but it will make difficult situations a great deal more manageable. So again, be honest with yourself and if you find it difficult to even stomach the idea of the other wife… just don’t do it.
3. Be Straightforward. When speaking to a married man with a view to entering into a polygynous relationship with him, be aware of red flags and don’t be afraid to call him out on them. If he refuses to tell his first wife about his intentions before he marries you, find out why. Often, the excuse is that “it will be too difficult on her if I tell her now; I’ll just wait until we’re married so that she can’t do anything about it.”Again, ask yourself – do you really want to marry the type of man who doesn’t have the courage to be honest with his wife about a decision that will completely change her life (and not necessarily in a good way)? A man of principle and honor will have enough respect for his first wife to tell her up front, even if he knows that she won’t be happy about it.
   In fact, I would go so far as to say that if you intend on being a second wife, ensure proof that the first wife knows about it. Insist on speaking to her directly, and do so with the sincere intention to be as considerate as possible – not to rub it in that her husband is looking for another wife.
   Some first wives may know about their husband’s polygynous intentions, but do not have interest in speaking to potential co-wives; others appreciate the transparency and consideration, and prefer to be involved. Find out what your potential co-wife is like, and deal with her accordingly and with consideration… but do not be complicit in deception.
   As well, do your best to make sure that he is financially capable of maintaining you without withholding or taking away resources from his first wife and children (if he has any). There are some men who will take advantage of welfare or social benefits in order to take on additional wives, or force one wife to work against her will in order for her to be able to survive financially. Ensure that the man you are considering for marriage is a man of decency and honor who fulfills his role as a qawwâm in the best possible manner.
   The above points are just some of what should be seriously considered by any woman who is seeking to enter polygyny as a second (or subsequent) wife. From the get-go, one must be willing to put aside foolish idealism and recognize that reality is far from a fairy tale. While there’s certainly nothing wrong with being optimistic or hopeful, Muslims should make an effort to do as the Prophet œ advised: Trust in Allah and tie your camel. (Tirmidhi)
   There are further considerations that women must also be aware of when thinking about polygyny, not only with regards to herself and the man she might marry, but to the woman he is already married to as well. Part 2 of this article will discuss this in further detail, inshâ’Allah.

Requiem of a Marriage (Part 1): Struggling with Divorce

Divorce is a hard word to say – sometimes it’s difficult to even say the word aloud due to the stigma associated to it, and it’s even worse for those who are either going through it or considering it.

For women in particular, seeking divorce can be a nearly impossible task… both emotionally as well as in terms of getting the Islamic and legal divorce pronounced. Choosing to get a divorce is, in and of itself, overwhelming and a painful decision to make.

Many people are quick to remind Muslim women of the hadith: "If a woman asks her husband for a divorce, for no reason, then the smell of paradise is forbidden for her." (Tirmidhi) However, for most women, the word ‘divorce’ evokes depression, guilt, and fear. Not only are there serious social consequences to being divorced – whether the woman was the one who asked for it or otherwise – but there are other numerous challenges that divorced Muslim women face, such as finances, living arrangements, single parenting, and more.

Why Would a Woman Seek divorce?

With this in mind, why would a Muslim woman seek divorce in the first place? Unfortunately, too many Muslims make the assumption that women are so ‘emotional’ and ‘irrational’ that they will demand divorce at any given opportunity.

Reality, however, is quite different. Few women want to end their marriages and cause themselves and their children a world of pain; few women want to be left picking up their pieces of their lives. Most women in unhappy marriages struggle to keep those marriages going even when they themselves feel as though there is no joy or benefit left whatsoever.

It is important to remember that the right to divorce is something actually granted to women in Islam; the procedure of woman-initiated divorce is referred to as khul’ (divorce initiated by the wife). There are several narrations that refer to this, with the most well-known and explicit hadith being the following:

The wife of Thabit bin Qays came to the Prophet (PBUH) and said, "O Allah's Messenger! I do not blame Thabit for defects in his character or his religion, but I, being a Muslim, dislike to behave in un-Islamic manner (if I remain with him)." On that Allah's Messenger (PBUH) said (to her), "Will you give back the garden which your husband has given you (as Mahr\dowry)?" She said, "Yes." Then the Prophet (PBUH) said to Thabit, "O Thabit! Accept your garden, and divorce her once."[1] (Bukhari)

This incident was a clear-cut case of where a Muslim woman sought a divorce from her husband and was given it by the Messenger of Allah himself – in direct contradiction to the culturally enforced belief that women are not allowed to ask for divorce at all, or that it is haram for them to do so.

Considering the first hadith warning women against seeking divorce for ‘no reason,’ what does constitute a legitimate reason for women to seek divorce? Almost all scholars agree that being deprived of her rights – whether they be financial, sexual, or otherwise – are legitimate reasons for a woman to ask for a divorce, as is abuse. If a woman’s husband takes on a second (or third, or fourth) wife and she feels that she cannot accept it, that too is a permissible reason for khul’ (divorce initiated by the wife).

However, what about cases where there is no deprivation of Islamic rights, no conflict related to polygamy, and no abuse? What about if a couple is simply incompatible; if their personalities clash and they aren’t able to live with each other in peace?

A divorce is better than a toxic marriage

The hadith of Thabit ibn Qays’s wife once again becomes a point of reference. She explicitly mentioned that she had no problem with Thabit’s character or even his religiosity; rather, she found herself unable to live with him because of incompatibility. This was considered to be an absolutely rational and legitimate reason to seek divorce in the eyes of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH).

Another famous case of incompatibility leading to divorce is that of Zaid ibn Harith – the adopted son of the prophet himself – and Zaynab bint Jahsh, the prophet’s cousin.

Their marriage was a tumultuous one, and it is recorded that both Zaid and Zaynab went to the messenger of Allah repeatedly seeking an end to their marriage. Their personalities clashed without abatement, and eventually, they did indeed resolve their issues… through divorce.

It is sadly very common to find women who are struggling in their marriages and who are deeply unhappy due to issues related to compatibility, and yet feel trapped and as though they have no escape.

Many times, they are told that they are simply being ‘ungrateful’ and warned that if they ask for a divorce, they will be denied Jannah itself. Yet what many people selectively overlook is that the marriage bond in Islam is supposed to be one of emotional safety and security; the Qur’an explicitly describes a relationship of mawaddah and rahmah – love as well as mercy and compassion.

{And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.} (Qur’an 30:21)

A toxic relationship is stripped of these qualities and harms both parties, rendering the Islamic purpose of marriage to be moot.

Matters become even more complicated when there are children involved. A woman who chooses to leave a marriage can very well risk custody of her children or access to them entirely, let alone the regular emotional turbulence of divorce.

Islamic legal rulings aside, however, one must recognize that toxic marriages can sometimes be even more harmful to young children than to have happily divorced parents.

A married couple who lives in bitterness are showing their children that marriage is not a source of comfort and love, but a type of torment.[2] Watching fighting parents who have no escape from each other is infinitely more painful than having parents who are separated from each other but on their way to healing emotionally and moving on positively with their lives. Thus, leaving a harmful marriage could in fact be a blessing for these children.[3]

 Divorce is not necessarily as evil a thing as many of us envision it to be. Certainly, it would not have been made permissible by Allah if it was a truly terrible thing.

Nonetheless, we must recognize the difference between cultural attitudes and the Islamic teachings regarding divorce. We need to understand that even the Companions of the prophet (PBUH) had unhappy marriages and sought a legitimate way to leave those relationships in favor of a happier future, and there is nothing wrong in Muslim men and women also seeking a halaal resolution to their unresolvable marital issues.

Theory vs Reality: The Ummah's Failure

After seeing the rising number of Facebook statuses and lectures being shared by mashaayikh and ustaadhs about domestic violence - all of which are deeply appreciated - and related discussions about divorce, a woman's right to khul', and so on, what has really been weighing on my mind is the ease with which we speak about the technicalities - e.g. "No woman should ever be abused; abuse is a valid reason for a woman to seek and receive divorce" - and the continuing difficulty to actually implement those legal rulings.

Muslim women across the world, whether in the East or the West, face an incredibly difficult challenge in having their right to khul' even *acknowledged,* let alone respected. Woman after woman has been turned back by imams and shaykhs who 'mean well' and 'don't want to break up families' and are told, "sister, be patient; sister, your reward is with Allah; sister, don't be hasty."
Few of those women know that the Shari'ah has given them provision to escape such a tormented existence; of those who do know, many of them are told by the men in authority, those of 'knowledge,' that they - as women - do not understand that "marriage is serious," "a family is serious," and that "you cannot just interpret Islamic law as you wish."

And then we wonder why women run away from home, we wonder why Muslim women seek divorce through secular courts instead of through Islamic provisions, we wonder why so many women find solace in the progressive Muslim movement, where such statements are not tolerated.
I'm not going to claim that all such leaders or imams are misogynstic or hateful of women at heart.

What I *am* saying is that the majority of them will simply never know or understand the emotional, psychological, and physical torture that women endure in their marriages.

What I *am* saying is that a lack of pro-active female scholarship, and a lack of direct influence from those women, is part of the problem that the mantra of "have patience, sister" remains the go-to advice for women who show up at the Imam's office bruised and battered, both outwardly and inwardly.

What I *am* saying is that just as men tell us women that we can never understand the fitnah of women, so too can they never understand the fitnah of *being* a woman, of being marginalized, of being silenced; of being told that we will never truly understand Islam, that we are incapable of understanding our own God-given rights, that unless we obey the status quo, no matter how many degrees or ijaazas we have, we will never be knowledgeable enough to be taken seriously, to be given our rights unless there is a man standing in front of us and speaking for us and who is willing to fight for us every step of the way.

This Ummah has failed its women. This Ummah, and its leaders, its students of knowledge, its scholars - many of whom are men - has failed its women. This Ummah prefers to treat the incident of Thabit ibn Qays and his wife as an aberration or an isolated incident, rather than evidence for a woman to leave a marriage she cannot tolerate. This Ummah prefers that its women are tortured and die at the hands of those who have been enjoined with Qawwamah, those who have been entrusted with a serious Amaanah, those whom we should be able to trust wholeheartedly, not live in terror of.

O Allah, You are the One Who hears the du'a of the oppressed.
O Allah, You are the One Who tests those Whom You love.
O Allah, You are the One Who is All-Knowing, All-Wise, Most Just.
O Allah, grant this Ummah, men and women, Taqwa that we may not abuse the authority You have entrusted with.
O Allah, grant this Ummah, men and women, the courage to speak and stand and fight for the truth.
O Allah, grant this Ummah, men and women, the ability to fight against oppression and injustice and to spread justice in the land.
O Allah, grant this Ummah, men and women, the ability to implement your Divine Laws in the most beautiful and perfect of ways, that no man, woman, or child suffer oppression in Your Name.

Rabbanaa, taqabbal du'a.

Womentrepreneur: The Longest Arm

All over the world, women engage in handicrafts, an activity that preserves aspects of different cultures and heritages as well as being a source of income in a global economy where women often suffer the brunt of poverty. Some women enjoy great success and move on to build companies based both within and outside of their homes – earning themselves the title of “womentrepreneurs.”

Umm al-Mu’mineen Zaynab bint Jahsh (radhiAllahu ‘anha) was one such woman:  she was known to be skilled with her hands, and ran a successful home-based business making and selling crafts.

Zaynab is most well-known due to the story surrounding her marriage to RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) after her divorce from his freed-slave and adopted son, Zaid ibn Harith.

She used to spend a great deal of time with her home-based business, and it is said that she was extremely skilled in both tanning skins and piercing pearls for jewelry and other adornments. She then donated the proceeds of her work to those in need, making her beloved amongst the poor.

One day, RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) went to his wives and said:

“The fastest of you to follow me [after death] will be the one who has the longer arms.” (Sahih Muslim)

A’ishah bint Abi Bakr (radhiAllahu ‘anha) described how, eager to know which of them it would be, all the wives of RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) measured each others' arms against a wall, and Zaynab was disappointed - she was more petite in comparison to the other wives, and so her arms were the shortest.

Yet after the death of RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam), the true meaning of his prophecy became clear: it was Zaynab bint Jahsh who indeed had 'the longest arm' - and it was she who passed away in the year 20 AH.

There are many Muslim women who love doing arts and crafts, but are made to feel guilty that they're "wasting their time" or that “it’s just a hobby.” The truth is, just doing what you enjoy doing can be a wonderful way of gaining ajr (reward) and, in fact, turning it into a source of sadaqah jaariyah (continuous charity).

RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, "The most beloved action to Allah is the most continuous, even if little." (Muslim)

Entrepreneurship can most certainly be a method of making, selling, and giving in charity regularly, thereby earning us the love of Allah through something that we love doing as well.

In addition, some studies have found that engaging in creative activity contributes to higher levels of happiness[1] – which, for Muslims, can feed into a positive cycle of sharing that joy with others in the form of a smile, closer emotional bonds with our loved ones, and higher levels of Emaan and Taqwah… all of which are ways of increasing in reward and growing closer to Al-Musawwir, the Shaper of all creation.

Islamic history is also a testament to the power of the arts; pottery, metal-work, clothing, and many other such artifacts remain symbols of Islam’s influence and reach throughout the world. Undoubtedly, Muslim women were of those who fashioned such items and left behind an incredible legacy for us to witness and remember.

Muslim women today are just as creative and hardworking as the women of yesteryear, and entrepreneurship remains an option for them to not only engage the senses and contribute to a tradition of Islamic craftsmanship, but to follow in the footsteps of Umm al-Mu’mineen Zaynab bint Jahsh (radhiAllahu ‘anha).

For those of us who may not be so creatively inclined, we should consider it of equal importance to support those Muslim women who do expend precious time and resources in these painstaking and beautiful efforts. Heroism doesn’t necessarily have to be a dramatic act on a grand scale; sometimes, the greatest of heroes can be found amongst those who stretch their arms out in small but regular acts of charity.

Zainab bint Younus (AnonyMouse) is a young woman who finds constant inspiration in the lives of the Sahabiyaat and other great women in Islamic history. She hopes that every Muslimah is able to identify with the struggles of these inspirational women and follow in their footsteps to become a part of a new generation of powerful Muslim women. She blogs at http://www.thesalafifeminist.blogspot.com 

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[1] http://www.psmag.com/navigation/books-and-culture/forget-tortured-artist-stereotype-creativity-breeds-happiness-74813/m

Refutation of Falsehood: Busting Myths About Female Sexuality

When one sees Muslim leaders attempt to take on serious and relevant issues to the Muslim Ummah such as sexually dysfunctional marital relationships, one truly hopes for the best. Alas, well-meaning though they may be, there becomes glaringly obvious a lack of knowledge and understanding regarding female sexuality.

A few claims that are being made and circulated en masse (and dangerously so) are the following:

·        Muslim women (especially from ‘conservative, practicing families’) do not really experience sexual arousal or any feelings of intense sexuality before marriage.

·        Women’s fitrah is such that they are automatically less sexual than men.

·        Muslim women are intimidated and scared by even discussions about sex prior to marriage; if a Muslim man wants to discuss it with his fiancée, he shouldn’t lest she run in the opposite direction.

·        Women don’t ‘need’ to orgasm as much as men do; their sexual feelings are minimal and what they truly seek from sexual encounters is not necessary physical pleasure, but emotional connection.

Not only are all these claims inaccurate, but to perpetuate them on a massive public forum – and by an individual with significant influence over large numbers of Muslims – is extremely dangerous due to the fact that the Muslim community already suffers from a horrific lack of knowledge and awareness about sex and female sexuality.

Despite the fact that Islamic texts fully recognize women’s sexual needs and in fact protects them as a religious right, many male Muslim leaders perpetuate cultural stereotypes about the nature of female sexuality and falsely pass them off as Islamic guidance. Such ridiculous ideas include the belief that women have a lesser need and appreciation for the physical aspect of intimacy; that they do not experience intense sexual arousal prior to marriage; and that the very idea of sex is disturbing and unnatural to them, or that they are unable to comprehend the true nature of intercourse before marriage.

In all fairness, even Western cultures and scientific thought has long held faulty and inaccurate beliefs regarding female sexuality (most famously, the views of Sigmund Freud and the Victorian phenomenon of ‘hysteria’). However, it is also true that Western society has moved along with considerable speed with regards to knowledge of female sexuality than many Eastern (and Muslim) cultures have. It must still be kept in mind, though, that the amount of studies and research collected on female sexuality is dwarfed by those about men, and that there remains a great deal to be discovered about female sexuality in general.[1]

Going back to the claims being publicly taught, there is first of all a severely erroneous conflation between the reality of culturally ingrained attitudes about sex, and the actual innate physical desires and needs that women have for sex.

While it is absolutely true that many Muslim cultures teach women unhealthy negative attitudes about sex and equate female sexual desire with being dirty or impure, this in no way actually reflects the physiological need for sex that exists in the female gender as a whole.

No matter how much cultural brainwashing women receive regarding their sexuality, most women will still inevitably experience feelings of sexual arousal at some point in their lives – and for those who do, it will generally first happen before marriage.

Furthermore, the arousal a woman feels can and does reach strong levels of intensity, including orgasm; for example, in a wet dream. This was acknowledged even by RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), who confirmed Umm Sulaym’s question regarding female wet dreams.[2] 

Even outside of wet dreams and masturbation however, women can and do feel intense sexual stimulation – anything from wearing a new pair of jeans or sitting on a massage chair. This is not to be crude, but simply realistic.[3] [4]

Nor are such experiences purely involuntary; many women are curious about their bodies and are actively aware of what stimulates them both physically and mentally (after all, the brain is the most powerful sex organ). Sexual curiosity exists in women just as it exists in men; since many girls mature physically and mentally faster than boys, they can be ahead of the game when it comes to being curious about sex.

Whether it’s reading romance novels (and anyone who thinks that girls read romance novels just for the emotional fluff is fooling themselves) or magazines like Cosmopolitan, girls crave information about both the romantic and the explicitly sexual.

Communication about sexual issues is another matter, one tied much more strongly to the aforementioned cultural brainwashing about intimacy than the idea that women have an inherent and instinctive fear or aversion to sex. Advising Muslim men to ‘just pray Istikhaarah, ya akhee’ instead of respectfully discussing or asking questions related to sex with their fiancées is harmful and, quite frankly, insulting to both the man and the woman. We should not be perpetuating attitudes of embarrassment, shame, and stigma about sexual issues but rather, encouraging men and women to approach the topic with respect, dignity, and honesty. It may be uncomfortable at first or awkward, but then, all positive growth and change is by necessity.

It is necessary to say here that a great deal of work needs to be done in training Muslim men and women on how to discuss matters related to sex and marriage in a respectful, dignified, and mature manner.

There is one final issue – the idea that women are innately ‘less sexual’ than men. While there is no denying the biological differences between men and women, including sexually, there is a big difference between recognizing the difference, and claiming that women simply aren’t as sexual.[5] More accurate would be to state that what men and women find sexually appealing and arousing, how they react to such stimuli, and the levels at which they respond to such urges differ greatly – but do not take away from the inherent sexuality of women.

It is also a fallacy to say that the sole or primary benefit or reason that women engage in sex is for an emotional connection; rather, while some women do enjoy sex more because of the emotional connection, it is not a necessary component of their actual satisfaction or orgasm. In fact, the vagina – specifically the clitoris – has thousands more nerve endings than the penis, which means that its orgasm can be correspondingly much, much more intense than the male orgasm, and contradicts the belief of those men who are convinced that women don’t really ‘feel it.’[6] [7] (Not to mention that women are capable of different types of orgasm[8] [9] [10] [11] [12]and multiple orgasms.[13])

It is worth noting that, once sexually aroused, women have a much stronger need to orgasm than men do. If they are stimulated and left unsatisfied, it causes extreme emotional upset (and significant physical discomfort). Should this become a recurring pattern, where husbands reach climax but make no effort to ensure their wives’ satisfaction, women often end up angry and resistant to being sexually available.

Psychological Haleh Banani mentions as well that women who are emotionally unsatisfied in their marriages yet are sexually fulfilled have higher rates of remaining within that marriage than the other way around. If that doesn’t underscore the point well enough, I don’t know what will.

The claim that women have fewer or less intense desires, or a somehow less important need for orgasm, is in fact an unhealthy way of minimizing female sexuality and its priority in a relationship. This takes place both amongst Muslims and non-Muslims and is a sign of how misogyny permeates our attitudes such that we automatically do not consider women to be of equal footing even in bed (and God help any woman who shows any sign of initiating sexual interest or contact!).

While the argument may go on to rage over who is ‘more’ sexual (keeping in mind that new studies continue to emerge on the topic, with sometimes paradoxical results), there is no benefit to be gained from pushing the view that women are simply less sexual beings.

In fact, it does the opposite, by telling men that they do not have to consider their wives’ sexual needs to be as important or necessary (the caveat that ‘a woman’s right to sexual satisfaction is guaranteed in Islam’ does nothing to change the final message). It is also implying to women that they should give up hope of true sexual satisfaction because it’s unrealistic and biologically unnecessary for them to experience it (but hey, all women really want are snuggles and warm fuzzy cuddles, right?).

It is high time that we begin to provide qualified individuals in the Muslim community who can discuss sex – and especially female sexuality – from a more nuanced and accurate perspective. Otherwise, Muslim leaders who take it upon themselves to talk about the subject are simply contributing to the already terrible state of Muslim intimacy, and the continued struggles of Muslim women seeking satisfaction and fulfillment in their own marriages.

What truly needs to be encouraged, emphasized, and taught is the importance of men and women alike to improve communication with their spouses about matters of intimacy. From there, it should become much easier for husbands and wives to become comfortable with their own and each others’ bodies; and for husbands to understand the various factors affecting women that may be significantly responsible for obstacles to sexual fulfillment. Just as men have their own unique preferences, levels of libido, and so on, so too are the tastes and desires of women varied and vast.

To truly seek an improvement to the sex lives of married Muslims, the first step should not be to make sweeping generalizations of female sexuality that are based on androcentric perspectives. Rather, it must be recognized that championing outdated ideas causes a great deal of harm to both men and women. A more nuanced and accurate understanding of female sexuality must be collectively pursued in order to see significant positive change in Muslim marriages.

---

[1] http://queensjournal.ca/story/2009-02-09/features/arousing-questions-about-female-sexuality/

[2] Umm Salama (Allah be pleased with her) relates that Umm Sulaym (Allah be pleased with her) came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) and said, “O Messenger of Allah, Surely, Allah is not shy of the truth. Is it necessary for a woman to take a ritual bath after she has a wet dream?” The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) replied: “Yes, if she notices a discharge.” Umm Salama covered her face and asked, “O Messenger of Allah! Does a woman have a discharge?” He replied: “Yes, let your right hand be in dust [an Arabic expression said light-heartedly to someone whose statement you contradict], how does the son resemble his mother?” (Sahih al-Bukhari 130)

[3] http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/sexual-response-cycle

[4] http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/girl-boners

[5] http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/06/turns-out-women-have-really-really-strong-sex-drives-can-men-handle-it/276598/

[6] http://www.valleyadvocate.com/2012/05/26/clit-chat-14-clitoral-factoids-to-know/

[7] http://www.science20.com/science_amp_supermodels/would_female_orgasms_kill_men

[8] http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/women-do-experience-two-different-types-of-orgasm-study-reveals-9191884.html

[9] http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/seriouslyscience/2014/03/12/really-two-kinds-female-orgasm-science-weighs/#.VPYF33zF84c

[10] https://monicasbox.wordpress.com/2012/07/15/11-different-types-of-orgasms/

[11] http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/types-of-female-orgasm

[12] http://www.buzzfeed.com/alisoncaporimo/different-types-of-orgasms

[13] http://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/how-common-are-multiple-orgasms.aspx

More Than Just A Teacher

The issue of puberty and sex education is a contentious one in the Muslim community. For the last several generations (at the very least), Muslim cultures have made sex a taboo subject and it is rare to find, even today, Muslim parents who discuss these issues openly, honestly, and positively with their children.

Unfortunately, this has created a toxic and dangerous environment for Muslim youth - one where discussing even the basic facts of life is not just uncomfortable, but nearly impossible to do with one's parents or other Muslim elders. As a result, we find youth who get their sex ed from unsavoury sources instead... kids at school, social media, and pop culture; all of which put forth unhealthy attitudes regarding sexuality - in fact, most of the beliefs and attitudes taught are in direct contradiction to Islam.

Yet how can we blame the youth for seeking out this (mis)information, when we - the adults - are the ones at fault? How can we blame kids for not knowing and understanding the basic rulings of puberty, of tahaarah, of sexuality, when we're the ones who have failed to teach them from the beginning?

The Sunnah of RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and his Companions was very different when it came to teaching the youth – and the adults – around them about puberty, sexuality, and related issues.
Previously, I have written about the story of Umayyah bint Qays, who got her first period while accompanying RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) on a journey, and how he dealt with that situation.

There is another narration that deals with the flip side – a young man who had just reached puberty, going to a woman, and asking about a relevant ruling.

'Abd al-Rahman ibn al-Aswad narrates:

"My father used to send me to A'ishah and (as a child) I used to go to her (i.e. beyond the curtain). When I became adult (i.e. reached puberty; became baaligh), I came to her and called to her from behind the curtain: "O Umm al-Mu'mineen, when does the bath become compulsory?"
She said: "So, you have done it, O Luka'! And (in answer to the question), when the private parts conjoin."
(Al-Dhahabi in Siyar A'lam an-Nubala)

This narration demonstrates a very unique relationship – that of a young boy and an unrelated (non-Mahram) woman. Although ‘Abd al-Rahman first spent time with A’ishah when he was a pre-pubescent boy, he didn’t cut off his relationship with her as soon as he reached puberty… nor was he shy or embarrassed to approach her immediately.
In turn, from A’ishah’s response, it is evident that she was fond of him, and that their relationship was close enough that she teased him gently about becoming a man according to the Shari’ah. SubhanAllah!

How many Muslim youth – boys and girls alike – feel comfortable enough to approach an elder of the same gender, let alone of the opposite sex? How many of them feel that they won’t be scolded or treated harshly, but rather showered with affection and treated with kindness? The importance of ‘safe spaces,’ of individuals whom youth can trust regardless of whether they’re family or not, cannot be overstated.

One would expect that A’ishah (radhiAllahu ‘anha), the Mother of Believers, the ultimate scholar of her time, would be far too busy with more important matters than to teach young children, let alone develop a safe, trusting relationship with them. Instead, she devoted her time and effort to creating this type of relationship not just with young girls, but young boys such as ‘Abd ar-Rahman ibn al-Aswad.
Building and maintaining such a relationship isn’t a one-off thing; it requires long-term investment and true, sincere interest in the life of young children as they grow up and go through numerous challenges and growing pains. It requires being there for them through thick and thin, proving to them that we care about them, and will be there in a supportive manner through even the most awkward of stages.

Sadly, many Muslim adults feel uncomfortable to build that kind of relationship with youth who aren’t their own children, let alone discuss sensitive issues like sexual education. But then – how can we ever expect them to trust us and learn about those very important matters from an Islamic perspective? We need to be more than just teachers who provide sterile facts and dire warnings; we need to be sources of safety, security, and reassurance.

It is time for us to recreate an Islamic environment for our youth: one where talking about puberty and sex isn’t a shameful thing; one wherein a young girl can get her period for the first time around a non-Mahram male, and feel safe with him; and a young boy can admit to a non-Mahram woman that he has reached puberty, and feel comfortable doing so.

When we’re finally able to talk to our youth about puberty, sex, and all that it entails, in a manner that is appropriate and comfortable, we will finally be able to raise a generation of Muslims who understand both the beauty and responsibilities of physical maturity – a generation of Muslims who will, in turn, be ready to step up and be heroes and heroines in their own right.

Zainab bint Younus (AnonyMouse) is a young woman who finds constant inspiration in the lives of the Sahabiyaat and other great women in Islamic history. She hopes that every Muslimah is able to identify with the struggles of these inspirational women and follow in their footsteps to become a part of a new generation of powerful Muslim women. She blogs at http://www.thesalafifeminist.blogspot.com

Words Will Never Be Enough

After seeing all the statuses being shared by mashaayikh and ustaadhs about domestic violence - all of which are deeply appreciated - and related discussions about divorce, a woman's right to khul', and so on, what has really been weighing on my mind is the ease with which we speak about the technicalities - e.g. "No woman should ever be abused; abuse is a valid reason for a woman to seek and receive divorce" - and the continuing difficulty to actually implement those legal rulings.

Muslim women across the world, whether in the East or the West, face an incredibly difficult challenge in having their right to khul' even acknowledged, let alone respected. Woman after woman has been turned back by imams and shaykhs who 'mean well' and 'don't want to break up families' and are told, "sister, be patient; sister, your reward is with Allah; sister, don't be hasty."

Few of those women know that the Shari'ah has given them provision to escape such a tormented existence; of those who do know, many of them are told by the men in authority, those of 'knowledge,' that they - as women - do not understand that "marriage is serious," "a family is serious," and that "you cannot just interpret Islamic law as you wish."

And then we wonder why women run away from home, we wonder why Muslim women seek divorce through secular courts instead of through Islamic provisions, we wonder why so many women find solace in the progressive Muslim movement, where such statements are not tolerated.

I'm not going to claim that all such leaders or imams are misogynstic or hateful of women at heart.
What I am saying is that the majority of them will simply never know or understand the emotional, psychological, and physical torture that women endure in their marriages.
What I am saying is that a lack of pro-active female scholarship, and a lack of direct influence from those women, is part of the problem that the mantra of "have patience, sister" remains the go-to advice for women who show up at the Imam's office bruised and battered, both outwardly and inwardly.

What I am saying is that just as men tell us women that we can never understand the fitnah of women, so too can they never understand the fitnah of being a woman, of being marginalized, of being silenced; of being told that we will never truly understand Islam, that we are incapable of understanding our own God-given rights, that unless we obey the status quo, no matter how many degrees or ijaazas we have, we will never be knowledgeable enough to be taken seriously, to be given our rights unless there is a man standing in front of us and speaking for us and who is willing to fight for us every step of the way.

This Ummah has failed its women. This Ummah, and its leaders, its students of knowledge, its scholars - many of whom are men - has failed its women. This Ummah prefers to treat the incident of Thabit ibn Qays and his wife as an aberration or an isolated incident, rather than evidence for a woman to leave a marriage she cannot tolerate. This Ummah prefers that its women are tortured and die at the hands of those who have been enjoined with Qawwamah, those who have been entrusted with a serious Amaanah, those whom we should be able to trust wholeheartedly, not live in terror of.

O Allah, You are the One Who hears the du'a of the oppressed.
O Allah, You are the One Who tests those Whom You love.
O Allah, You are the One Who is All-Knowing, All-Wise, Most Just.

O Allah, grant this Ummah, men and women, Taqwa that we may not abuse the authority You have entrusted with.
O Allah, grant this Ummah, men and women, the courage to speak and stand and fight for the truth.
O Allah, grant this Ummah, men and women, the ability to fight against oppression and injustice and to spread justice in the land.
O Allah, grant this Ummah, men and women, the ability to implement your Divine Laws in the most beautiful and perfect of ways, that no man, woman, or child suffer oppression in Your Name.

Rabbanaa, taqabbal du'a.

Children As A Choice

Originally published in SISTERS Magazine, January 2013

It is a global expectation: Muslim women are pressured into marriage, pregnancy, and then more children, one after the other. Ahadeeth about the virtues of children and RasulAllah’s encouragement to procreate become a constant mantra repeated in a married Muslim woman’s ears. Should she express even a murmur of disagreement, of desperation, she is browbeaten into silence by exclamations of “How could you say such a thing!” and disapproving glares.

Allah created all mankind with different qualities and characteristics; human beings are not mass-produced robots, but individuals with different personalities and capabilities. RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) came as a mercy to mankind, embracing and encouraging every person he came across to excel in what they were able to, without forcing anyone into something they could not cope with.

Unfortunately, too many Muslims have forgotten those points. Culture is merged with religion and used as a tool to force unwilling individuals to conform to strict behaviors; should anyone reject these standards, they are stigmatized and treated as deficient, or outcasts.

At some point, some Muslim societies began treating women not as individuals with various obligations to their Lord and different ways of fulfilling them, but as a monolithic group with only one role to perform: to marry, and have children – the more, the better!

While absolutely no one denies the high status of mothers in Islam, and the virtues of children, there are those who act as though it is waajib upon every married woman to have children. Those who express their desire to wait, or to limit the amount of children they have, are told that they are selfish, not following the Sunnah, do not have enough tawakkul in Allah, or that they’ve been “corrupted” by “evil Western ideas”!

However, RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) himself gave permission to the Muslims to practice family planning, as related by Jabir (radhiAllahu anhu) who related: "We used to perform coitus interruptus during the time that the Quran was being revealed.” (Sahih Muslim)

There are so many reasons that some women do not want children, or do not want more than a few.