Book Review: Salaam, Love

Salaam, Love: American Muslim Men on Love, Sex, and Intimacy

Published by Beacon Press.

Reviewed by Zainab bint Younus

On the heels of the popular, groundbreaking anthology Love Inshallah: American Muslim Women on Love, Sex, and Intimacy, comes Salaam, Love – the other side of the story.  

  

As Muslim women become more proactive in sharing their voices and experiences in the public sphere, a unique phenomenon has occurred: Muslim men don’t have the same opportunity to share their own deeply personal stories. Salaam, Love is an effort to create a ‘safe space’ for Muslim men to discuss some of their most vulnerable moments.

The anthology is divided into three sections: “Umma: It Takes a Village” shares stories that revolve around the role of family and friends in the search for marriage (and love); “Sirat: The Journey” includes inward reflections of each writer’s transformational experience with spiritual and romantic love; and finally, “Sabr: In Sickness and in Health” goes beyond the fairytale ending and explores the deeper, less glamorous aspects of true love.

Just as its predecessor, Love Inshallah, reflected the realities and experiences of a widely varied Muslim Ummah, so too do the contributors to Salaam, Love come from different ethnic and theological backgrounds. 

 There were several essays which stood out to me, both in quality of writing and in content – amongst them, Sam Pierstorff’s “Soda Bottles and Zebra Skins,” “Mother’s Curse” by Arsalan Ahmed, “Just One Kiss,” by Maher Rahman, “Planet Zero” by John Austin, “The Promise” by Alan Howard, and “Fertile Ground” by Khizer Husain.

 All of these essays shared something in common: unmistakeable authenticity, excellent writing, and touching upon issues within the Muslim community that have been previously ignored but are undeniably a reality.

 From extramarital affairs amongst ‘religious’ Muslims, being rejected for marriage because of race, fertility vs. adoption, and the heartbreak of losing a loved one, these essays echoed with a rawness of emotion and relevance. All these topics are still considered taboo in the Muslim community, and yet are faced by thousands of Muslims not just in the West, but all around the world. 

 Although I have often read works by female authors related to these issues, I was startled to realize that it was the first time I had read about them from the perspective of Muslim men who have experienced these matters first-hand. At the risk of sounding cliché, it was truly enlightening to realize that men – whom many women have come to think of as the perpetrators of most injustice – are equally affected at an emotional level and seek to change things for the better. 

 This glimpse at the challenges and struggles of Muslim men in their journeys of love and experiences with lust is must needed; all too often, we buy into the idea that men experience such things shallowly, with little introspection or consideration for their actions. Instead, the contributors to Salaam, Love reminded us of the humanity of men, a prompt to help us recognize that when it comes to matters of the heart, gender means little. Allah, al-Wadud, al-Muqallib al-Quloob, is the One Who controls our hearts without the preconceived, culturally structured ideas of what men and women should feel; it is He who evokes in our souls a yearning for love of Him, and for earthly love as well.    

However, I will admit that I also found myself somewhat disappointed by Salaam, Love. In comparison to Love Inshallah, which I found engaging at every point (with only a couple of stories which did not resonate with me all that much), the remaining essays in Salaam, Love came off as mediocre at best. Some rambled on for far too long, causing me to lose my interest; most ended up sounding like a recycled version of “brown Muslim boy just wants to be with a girl.”  

 Nonetheless, Salaam, Love is enjoyable overall, and is still a book that I would recommend. It is a one-of-a-kind compilation that reminds men and women alike that the hearts of men are not so strange or unfathomable as those of women; Muslim men, like Muslim women, struggle with temptation and desire, seek love and security, and pray not just for a happily ever after, but for a happily ever afterlife.

3.5 out of 5 stars.

Zainab bint Younus (AnonyMouse) is a writer, social justice activist-wannabe, and absent-minded bookworm. She writes for SISTERS Magazine and blogs at http://www.thesalafifeminist.blogspot.com

Order it here!! 

A Woman's Love, A Prophet's Promise

A woman’s love is deep and runs strong; it’s tender and fierce and sometimes needs no more than an instant to establish a bond that stretches beyond time, beyond space. A woman’s love can result in an angel being sent from heaven to reveal a miraculous well; in her name being mentioned in the greatest of all Divine Scriptures; in the power to defy a tyrant king before his people.

A woman’s love is powerful and a Muslim woman’s love for her Lord and His Messenger, Muhammad (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam), can make her the most powerful human being amongst mankind. Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) knew this, respected it and praised it. His love for the women of his Ummah did not stop at his wives and daughters, but extended to those who struggled, fought and died for the message he taught.

Martyr for the Beloved

Sumayyah bint Khayyat, Umm ‘Ammar, was the first to die for the sake of Islam. She and her family were slaves who had accepted Islam and, when their masters discovered their acceptance of the faith, they tortured Sumayyah, her husband and her son. Every day that they were dragged out to the desert and tormented,
Sumayyah faced the very worst of it. Abu Jahl and his companions raped her repeatedly with hot metal instruments, which eventually led to her death.
Rasul Allah would sometimes pass by and see what was being done to Sumayyah and her family - what they went through for the sake of his message. His eyes overflowing with tears, he prayed, “Have patience, O family of Yaasir! Verily, your meeting place will be in Paradise.”

Her heart burning with love for Allah and His Messenger, Sumayyah would answer, “I testify that you are the Messenger of Allah and that your promise is truthful.” Soon after, she died as a martyr and the first woman to be guaranteed Jannah by Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam).

A woman’s love does not need flattery or trinkets to keep it alive; it needs the Truth. Sumayyah had never lived with the Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) in his household; it was likely that she saw him or heard from him directly only a few times. She did not even need physical proximity to create love for him in her heart; it was enough for her that he was the Messenger of Allah, who had brought the message of truth that guided her to her Lord.

A Warrior’s Spirit

Nusaybah bint Ka'b, Umm ‘Imarah al-Ansariyyah was another sahabiyyah whose love for Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) resulted in a unique relationship that has been immortalised in the seerah.
Initially a nurse, Umm ‘Imarah was present at the battlefield of Uhud when the rumour began to spread that Rasul Allah had been killed. Amidst the fleeing of Muslim soldiers, Umm ‘Imarah lifted her sword and sought out the Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) for herself. When she found him, she placed herself firmly in front of him and began to defend him with a strength and courage to rival that of the male companions.
The power of her love was such that when her son was gravely injured, she didn’t even stop until Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) told her to attend to him. “From where can anyone get courage like you, O Umm 'Imarah?”
It is narrated that the Prophet said that in whichever direction he turned in the battlefield, he could see her defending and protecting him. Admiring the ferocity of her devotion, Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) invoked Allah's blessings on Umm ‘Imarah’s family and prayed that they should be his friends in Paradise as well.
After the Battle of Uhud, Umm ‘Imarah wielded her sword on the battlefields of Yamamah and Hunayn and was present at the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah. She also took part in the second pledge of ‘Aqabah.

However, Umm ‘Imarah’s relationship with the Messenger of Allah was not restricted to the battlefield. It is also due to her questioning that the famous verse of Surah al-Ahzab, verse 35, was revealed.
Umm ‘Imarah al-Ansariyyah said that she went to the Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) and said to him: "I feel that everything is for men. Women are not mentioned as having anything!” Verse 35 of Surah al-Ahzab was then sent down.
(The Hadith is narrated by at-Tirmidhi under No. 3211, and is in Sahih at-Tirmidhi under No. 2565)

These stories are examples of how Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) interacted with the women of his Ummah, inspiring their love for him and their dedication to Islam. His dealings with the sahabiyyaat were full of dignity and respect, acknowledging their sacrifices and their talents. He valued them as much as any male companion and never, for a moment, doubted their sincerity or their worth.

In turn, the sahabiyyat loved him fiercely. Not as a husband or a father, but as the Messenger of Allah: the person who had brought them the message of Islam, the truth that purified their souls, the only path that would lead them to their Lord and Creator. It was Muhammad (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) who taught them about Allah, who told them about Paradise and its beauty and its reward, who warned them against Hell and its torments.

It was for the sake of Allah and His Messenger that the Sahabiyyaat transformed their lives and sacrificed their health and wealth, dedicating their lives to the promise delivered by Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam):

{Indeed, the Muslim men and Muslim women, the believing men and believing women, the obedient men and obedient women, the truthful men and truthful women, the patient men and patient women, the humble men and humble women, the charitable men and charitable women, the fasting men and fasting women, the men who guard their private parts and the women who do so, and the men who remember Allah often and the women who do so - for them Allah has prepared forgiveness and a great reward.} (Al-Ahzab:35)


#ForgottenHeroines

Zainab bint Younus (AnonyMouse) is a young woman who finds constant inspiration in the lives of the Sahabiyyat and other great women in Islamic history. She hopes that every Muslimah is able to identify with the struggles of these inspirational women and follow in their footsteps to become a part of a new generation of powerful Muslim women. She blogs at http://www.thesalafifeminist.blogspot.com

SISTERS TalkBack! "The Housewife's Lament"

Brooke Benoit voices her opinion about a previously published SISTERS article.
The original writer, Zainab bint Younus, provides her response. Welcome to Talk Back!

As the SISTERS’ team was getting ready to print the October issue I caught a glimpse of one of my favourite writers’, Zainab bint Younus, article, “Forgotten Heroines: The Housewife’s Lament.” In my usual state of feeling overwhelmed about my own housework, I quickly lapped up the article hoping for some pearls of wisdom, a boost of inspiration or maybe even some sort of camaraderie in similarly fatigued arms. What I got was mad. I spewed my irritation at my co-editors who told me to “write a response!” 
A few days later, Zainab bint Younus separately pointed out some other rhetoric in the September issue that she felt needed critique and correction. An ‘Ah-ha Moment’ happened and we realised that instead of quietly dismissing these bothersome things, we needed to open up this space - “Talk Back” - in which both readers and writers can discuss things published in SISTERS Magazine that they feel uncomfortable about or are downright wrong in some way. So let’s begin this feature with how I felt about the “The Housewife’s Lament” followed by Zainab’s response.

[Brooke Benoit]: When I got to the portion of your article about Fatima (radhiAllahu 'anha) where you quote the following hadith, I was disappointed and then upset that you used the story in the same way I so commonly see it used in other articles, advices, blogs and so on.

Here is a translation of the hadith:

“Narrated By Ali : Fatima went to the Prophet complaining about the bad effect of the stone hand-mill on her hand. She heard that the Prophet had received a few slave girls. But (when she came there) she did not find him, so she mentioned her problem to 'Aisha. When the Prophet came, 'Aisha informed him about that. 'Ali added, "So the Prophet came to us when we had gone to bed. We wanted to get up (on his arrival) but he said, 'Stay where you are." Then he came and sat between me and her and I felt the coldness of his feet on my abdomen. He said, "Shall I direct you to something better than what you have requested? When you go to bed say 'subhan Allah' thirty-three times, 'alhamdulillah' thirty three times and ‘Allahu akbar' thirty four times, for that is better for you than a servant." (Bukhari)

In “The Housewife’s Lament” you say that “… the Muslims had won a battle and, as a result, had captured several prisoners and other spoils of war,” you then go on to describe Fatima (radhiAllahu 'anha) as asking for a “maidservant” to provide her with some domestic relief. This is how I commonly see this hadith used to dissuade women from asking their husbands to hire domestic help when actually that is not what Fatima (radhiAllahu 'anha) was asking for.
Just as in the translation above, “slave” and“servant” are used interchangeably (as they were nearly the same during the time of the Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam)) even though they have very different meanings to us. She was asking for a slave, to own another human being who would - under kind treatment or not - work in Fatima’s home without a choice. That is something quite different from hiring someone and I think a much, much more important point than whether or not women are being lackadaisical with their approach to getting their own housework done.

I agree with you, of course, that Fatima (radhiAllahu 'anha) is an excellent example (if not The Example) of how a woman can earn her blessings via caring for her family, but I think a larger point to this particular hadith is overlooked. As an example to the Ummah (all of the Muslims) the Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam), who was actively pushing for Muslims to manumit slaves, did not want his own daughter to hypocritically go against his activism. He did not want her to have a slave and oppress another human being for her own benefit. Patience is better than that kind of shortcut.

Something I worry about is the way this hadith is often used to support the Super Muslimah role - to make women feel like they are being whiny and unappreciative about how much work they have to do and how much help we do have (via modern appliances and other conveniences). But, in my experience, I don’t know any of these spoiled women we hear about who have a servant for each child and do nothing but watch serials in between trips to the mall and salon. I’m sure these women exist, but I don’t know any personally and I don’t think they are the average SISTERS reader.
Nearly all of the women I know earn an income in addition to caring for their home and balancing those responsibilities is a real burden on them and their marriages.

I think the average SISTERS reader is more likely to be someone who is already doing too much and feels guilty that she can’t do more and be like the respectfully endearing Fatima (radhiAllahu 'anha). I’m worried that while you may have meant to make true housewives feel better about their roles, which can be painfully monotonous and demanding, I think this common misrepresentation of this hadith contributes to inappropriate and damaging guilt. The message is that Fatima (radhiAllahu 'anha) of all people could have had a little help around the house, but she chose to help her husband save some dirhams instead and drudged on by herself - but that’s not entirely true. Sure, he would have had to feed a slave, but he would not have been paying wages. I really see this hadith being about not oppressing people more than being about humbly accepting household drudgery.

[Zainab bint Younus]: First of all, I’ve got to say that I love the idea of Talk Back! Hearing feedback and constructive criticism is great for any writer who is desperate to know what their readers are thinking. I love this opportunity to be able to discuss anything that my readers find disappointing, irritating or flat out terrible.

With regards to The Housewife’s Lament, it’s part of my series titled “Forgotten Heroines”, which aims to re-examine the lives of the sahabiyyaat and women of Islamic history through a different lens: one which is directly relatable and applicable to Muslim women in every situation of life. My first few articles have dealt with very dramatic themes so far – coming of age, women pioneers, true love and (my favourite) how a villainess became a heroine.

My own life is far from dramatic and, one day when I was struggling to write my next FH article, I thought about how I didn’t feel like my life matched up to the standards of the exciting women I’d written about so far. These women were all very inspiring, yes, but what about women like me – housebound mothers who, quite frankly, don’t have the luxury of pioneering anything or saving the world (yet)? I thought about which sahabiyyah best fit this role, as most of my reading and research has currently been focused on women who performed great feats and found the story of Fatima (radhiAllahu 'anha).
To be honest, I hadn’t bothered re-reading her story for a long time because it wasn’t as exciting as the others. And that’s when I had my aha! moment. Out of the four women promised Jannah (Asiyah, queen of Egypt; Maryam bint ‘Imran; Khadijah bint Khuwaylid and Fatimah bint Muhammad), only Fatimah’s adult life was, shall we say, unremarkable.

This was what really inspired me to write about Fatimah – the feeling of kinship with a woman who was surrounded by other women whose lives were, in comparison, full of derring-do. Thus, my usage of the commonly quoted hadith was to show that her life was as monotonous as that of the average housewife and that it was not shameful for her to feel sick of it all or ask for help. The fact that she took her father’s advice and resorted to tasbeeh instead of domestic help is merely an illustration of the type of inner strength (which is what I intended to be the focus) that caused her to be one of those who were guaranteed Jannah – what I personally found to be inspirational.

I also understand and agree with your frustration over how this particular hadith is often used to make women feel guilty or ashamed of themselves. My own raging feminist spirit loathes such tired and reinforced interpretations of ahadith. My intent in quoting this hadith was completely unrelated. Though, as I now re-read my article, I can see where I should have used stronger language to focus on my main point; that one doesn’t have to be a world-famous academic or infamous revolutionary in order to be considered strong or worthy in the Sight of Allah.

I found your take on the hadith to be extremely interesting and certainly a valid one. I appreciate you bringing it to my notice, as I’d never thought of it that way before (and I love learning about the deeper dimensions of ahadith and their meanings)! You never know, it could wind up featuring in another FH article in the future, without the typical interpretation attached to it!

Read the original article that inspired the talk back in SISTERS’ October issue!

Brooke Benoit has been working from home for nearly 15 years and recently took her own advice about outsourcing by hiring someone to cook a hot, delicious meal for her family several times a week.

Zainab bint Younus (AnonyMouse) is a young woman who finds constant inspiration in the lives of the sahabiyyat and other great women in Islamic history. She hopes that every Muslimah is able to
identify with the struggles of these inspirational women and follow in their footsteps to become a part of a new generation of powerful Muslim women. She blogs at http://www.thesalafifeminist.blogspot.com.

Book Review: Brutal

Brutal is the heartbreaking true story of a young girl who was molested for several years by the imam of her local masjid, her madressa teacher. The author, Nabila Sharma, recounts her childhood as the only daughter of immigrant Pakistani parents, who settled in the UK with four older brothers. In the tradition of many desi immigrants, Nabila’s father sought to provide a better future for his children by owning and operating a small newsagents shop, in addition to working extra jobs, while his wife
helped run the shop and look after the children. Nabila’s life was that of any little girl – playing with her toys, going to a new school and making friends.

At the age of seven, Nabila joined her brothers in attending the local masjid’s madressa to learn Urdu and how to read the Qur’an. From her description of her first experiences there, it is obvious that these were the early days of Muslim immigrants in the West – where madressa was taught by harsh, unloving teachers who felt no qualms in beating their students and made no effort to teach
the young pupils the beauty of Islam. What is unfortunate is how such a negative experience obviously pushed young Nabila away from loving her faith or searching a deeper understanding of it; the first two chapters show how much more she was attracted to the Sikh religion instead.

After several teachers came and went, the madressa found a new, permanent imam to teach the young Muslim children who attended regularly. It was then that Nabila’s years-long nightmare began.

Following the typical pattern of child abuse, the unnamed teacher began to shower Nabila with unusual attention – first looking at her constantly from afar, then calling her aside and choosing her for the ‘special task’ of cleaning his private quarters. Then, as soon as he had her alone, the abuse began, in slow but ever increasing intensity.
The description of the abuse - of the psychological impact it had on young Nabila - is harrowing. As the abuse continued for years, from the ages of seven to eleven, Nabila fell into self-harming as a way to cope with the horrific experiences she was forced to go through. Her every attempt to try and stop her abuser, including when she offered herself in place of a young girl who was to become his next victim, was to no avail; even when her parents found out what was happening, they made no move to remove her from the madressa or to report the teacher to the police.
At the age of eleven, Nabila was finally able to leave the madressa, and her abuser, forever. However, she had been so traumatised from the events that had taken place, with no recourse or even therapy to cope with it, that her life afterwards continued to suffer.

While the lesson of the story is that child abuse occurs much more often than we would like to think and that there are far too many adults who fail to protect the children under their care, I found other morals to be derived from the narration of this horrific story.

First of all, religion plays no role whatsoever in the terrible crimes that are committed by the adherents of the faith. Whether Catholic priests, Muslim imams or atheist teachers, child abuse and rape are the province of filthy, twisted individuals who have no qualms about wielding power and control over their vulnerable victims.

Secondly, without any positive spiritual relationship at a young age, it is all too easy for victims of abuse to relate their abuse to the faith under the guise of which they were abused. One particularly heartbreaking sentence from Nabila which shook me was “after that night I never said my prayers again. What was the point? No one, or no god, was ever going to rescue me.”

There are certainly those survivors of abuse who are able to move past the religious trappings of their abusers and to seek the truth of God, but for many it can be difficult to separate the relationship between religion and abuse. In other cases – in this context, Muslims in particular – the link between the two can push them to seek another religion entirely, without even understanding their own correctly first. From many of Nabila’s descriptions, it seems that through all the years at the madressa, there was no discussion or awareness whatsoever about Allah I or even the basic pillars of Islam. It was all about ‘memorising prayers’. Even for those who are not abused, this lack of spiritual education is crippling and dangerous.

Brutal is a sobering reminder of the crimes that can be committed even by those whom we, as Muslims, are most likely to trust: those whom we look to for leadership and guidance. On the other hand, it is also a sharp wake-up call to parents to be keenly aware of their children’s lives and of their responsibility to be true guardians over their charges. There is never an excuse to place cultural notions of “family honour”, “reputation” and “shame” over the physical, sexual and psychological safety of a child. On the Day of Judgement, any adult guardian who knowingly allowed their charges to continue to be harmed in any way will stand before Allah and be held accountable for the grave transgression of their duties.

Nabila Sharma’s account of the abuse she suffered as a child at the hands of someone who should have protected her and taught her the Deen should be a brutal reality check for those of us who still deny that such things happen in our communities. As Muslims, it is our duty as an Ummah to hold such criminals accountable for their evil deeds and to protect the vulnerable against the injustices perpetrated against them.

Zainab bint Younus (AnonyMouse) is a writer, social justice activistwannabe and absent-minded bookworm. She writes for SISTERS Magazine, SaudiLife.net and blogs at http://www.thesalafifeminist.blogspot.com.

Forgotten Heroines: Lecture & Mini-Workshop

If you happen to be in Malaysia, my mother and I will be launching the first lecture/ mini-workshop #ForgottenHeroines (based on my article series) this Saturday, inshaAllah.

Join us on a journey to rediscover the Forgotten Heroines of Islamic history, and to build a personal connection with them as we strive to follow the footsteps of the greatest women who ever lived.

First Blush of Womanhood

A girl’s first period is a major turning point in her life – the moment she crosses the threshold from childhood into adulthood, the moment she becomes a woman. It is a time fraught with anxiety and, often, with a sense of shame. Mothers and older sisters are the first to be told when a girl begins her first period; menstruation is a “woman’s secret” and men are expected to be kept deliberately ignorant of its details.

In many cultures, girls are scolded for letting slip any hints about their menses to the menfolk of the household, who often remain blithely oblivious to the maturation of their daughters and sisters. Should a situation arise wherein the subject comes up, the male reaction is usually one of mortification, irritation and a gruff change of topic.

Yet this awkward, complicated relationship between young girls and the menfolk around them doesn’t need to exist. In fact, shocking as it may seem, a different type of relationship entirely could exist – one of compassion, sensitivity, gentleness and understanding not only between girls and their immediate male relatives, but, in fact, between the unrelated men and women of the Ummah.
The proof for this lies in the seerah itself.

Umayyah bint Qays (radhiAllahu 'anha) was a young girl who had not yet reached puberty, who joined the Muslim army on its way to Khaybar. Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) had her sit on his she-camel, just behind his luggage and they rode for some time. When they paused for a reprieve, Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) descended and had his camel kneel down, whereupon Umayyah got off as well. To her mortification, she noticed that the luggage she'd been sitting on was smeared with blood - her first period.

Umayyah sat back on the bag, leaning forward to try and hide the blood stain, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) - ever keen, ever kind - noticed both her actions and the bloodstain and said gently, "Perhaps this is menstrual blood?" Umayyah nodded in confirmation and Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) suggested kindly, "Attend to yourself, then take some water, put some salt in it and wash the bag, then return."

Umayyah followed his instructions and was once again seated upon Rasul Allah's camel.
After the Muslims were victorious at Khaybar, Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) chose a necklace from amongst the spoils of war and summoned Umayyah, then placed it around her neck with his own hands. She wore that necklace until she died. (Al-Muhaddithat; al-Tabaqat al-Kubra by Ibn Sa'd.)

SubhanAllah.

1) Umayyah was what we would think of as a 'tween' today - a young girl straddling the line between childhood and womanhood. Whereas most girls of that age today are pushed away by their fathers and brothers to "go be with the women", Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) fondly had her accompany him on his own camel. Considering that even the great men of the Sahabah vied to be in Rasul Allah's presence and thought of it as a great honour, this shows how much Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) valued every member of his Ummah - male and female, young and old.
Can you imagine how thrilled Umayyah must have been to be given this honour, how confident she must have felt at being chosen to ride with the Messenger of Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) himself? Every young girl wants to feel special and valued and what better way to make this young believer love Allah and His Messenger than to choose her out of the throngs of adults who made up Rasul Allah's closest advisers and warriors?

The gentle, compassionate and respectful relationship that Rasul Allah displayed with this young member of his Ummah was also emulated by his sahabah (radhiAllahu 'anhum ajma'een). Abu ad-Dardaa’ (radhiAllahu 'anhu) used to be the guardian of an orphan girl and he would bring her to pray with him amongst the men, wrapping her in his own cloak. When she attained puberty, he gently sent her to pray with the women, but continued to look after her carefully. She later became known as Umm ad-Dardaa’ as-Sughraa and one of the great scholars of the Tabi’een.

2) A girl's first period is a major turning point of her life. In many cultures, it is treated with shame and embarrassment, made to seem as though it is something evil or unfortunate - something to be hidden amongst women and kept a secret from men.

Imagine how mortified Umayyah was - not only had she just started her first period, but she wasn't even with her mother or other women. In fact, she wasn't even with a male family member! She was with the Messenger of Allah r and her menstrual blood had stained his luggage.

If Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) was like many other men, he could have gotten angry and upset or shooed her away and made her feel ashamed for what had happened. Instead, he was soft, gentle and understanding; he didn't blame her for anything, didn't demand angrily "What have you done?! What is this mess?!" He didn't even ask her for an explanation; he provided one for her and was incredibly sweet about it. In fact, he gave her simple, practical advice on what to do and actually told her to return to him.

3) After the expedition of Khaybar was over and the Muslims had won the battle, Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) didn't simply forget Umayyah and never think of her again. On the contrary, he hand-picked jewellery for her, brought her forward to him again and gave her the necklace himself. What better way to warm her heart and remind her of an experience that could have been a source of lifelong embarrassment, but was instead one of the most wonderful events of her life?

Rasul Allah's behaviour with this young girl holds so many lessons for Muslim men on how they should deal with their sisters, daughters and, in fact, any young girl at all, whether she is related to them or not.
His actions are an example of how every girl should be honoured and treasured as valued members of this Ummah. Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) and his sahabah (radhiAllahu 'anhum), such as Abu ad-Dardaa’, displayed how a relationship of compassion, gentleness, respect and dignity between men and women, and boys and girls, is possible and, indeed, necessary. Considering the current state of gender relations in the Muslim Ummah – whether it be extreme, harsh segregationor unhealthily close relationships, the balanced, positive example of Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) is one that we must follow. In fact, it can be said that acting upon this sunnah is imperative for the psychological health of the Ummah.

As Muslims, we should endeavor to create a safe and healthy environment in which even a young pubescent girl in a sensitive or difficult situation can feel comfortable enough to turn to her brother in Islam – even if he is an unrelated male or older than her in age – and trust that he will care for her with the compassion, respect and dignity owed to any fellow Muslim, whether male or female.

The honour and dignity of Muslim men and women, which they hold within themselves and accord to each other, is something that is unique to the Ummah of Rasul Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam). Although many Muslims appear to have forgotten about it, preferring flawed cultural notions of ‘honour’ instead, it is up to us to reclaim this beautiful aspect of our Deen and follow in the footsteps of the heroes and heroines of Islam.

#ForgottenHeroines

Zainab bint Younus (AnonyMouse) is a young woman who finds constant inspiration in the lives of the Sahabiyaat and other great women in Islamic history. She hopes that every Muslimah is able to identify with the struggles of these inspirational women and follow in their footsteps to become a part of a new generation of powerful Muslim women. She blogs at http://www.thesalafifeminist.blogspot.com

Where Are The Fathers? Practical Steps for Fathers & Father Figures

Being a father is a tough job and mothers realise that. We appreciate the hard work you do in looking after your families and trying to give them the best that you can provide, but this in no way is an excuse to become negligent in the most important area of life: your sons!

Here are some simple solutions and ways to reconnect and have the relationship with your son/s, from a mother who has been in this situation, and a respected shaikh sharing his experience with his son.

Connect with them

Take time to connect with your sons especially as they get into older childhood and the teen years. These are tough years as we already know - your sons want to be close to you but also want their own space. This is the stage when you really need to listen to what they are saying, no matter how stupid or childish it may seem. During this time, they will closely note what you say and what you actually do. If they see you ‘preach’ but not practice, they will see you as a hypocrite so, no matter what you do or say, it will make no difference to them. They will dismiss anything that comes out of your mouth and any feelings of ‘love’ will be given elsewhere or withheld.

Age 9 – 12yrs:
This age is really hard on everyone. It’s a time of many changes physically, emotionally and mentally. There are so many temptations that they are being exposed to and bombarded with. Even those in Islamic schools are not totally protected from it all. At this age, fathers need to pay close attention to who their sons’ friends are, learn their slang and keep clued in to what games, books or activities they’re into. Speak to them about the changes they’re going to begin going through. Recent studies have shown that while boys generally mature later than girls, many young boys have had their first look at pornography or had a sexual experience by the age of 12! Disturbing, I know.
We can try and protect them, but the reality is that we’re not with them 24 hours a day. The best way to instill morals and values in them is by talking to our sons and listening to them. Fathers must not just be there physically but mentally as well; too many times, sons complain that their dads are hearing but not really listening and paying attention to them.

Age 13 yrs – 17 yrs: 
 This is when they need to do things together with you. But not things YOU feel they should be doing and learning. No, do what interests them. Learn about what their passions are, and be physically active with them as well: go biking, do martial arts, learn Arabic, play game stations or go fishing together. There are a myriad of things you can do together even if it’s not your thing. Do it for them and they will in turn want to return the favour. Don’t just judge them when they speak, but allow them to speak openly with you about any and everything. No matter how shocked or frustrated you may get at what they say, kindly (and when needed, sternly) advise and correct them.

Advice from Sh.Hussain Yee

• It starts with the scholars, du’aat and imams.
These community leaders need to step up and lead by showing their brothers in Islam how to be an involved father; not just by talking the talk but by walking the walk! Be an example by showing how it’s done
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• More lessons directed to men
We need to refocus parenting lessons towards men instead of the burden being solely carried on mothers’ shoulders. It needs to be redirected to the fathers and fathers-to-be. Equal time should be given to Tarbiyyat ar-Rabbaani (divinely guided education) and the Ahkaam (literal rulings).

• Increase youth involved activities
Our communities need to increase the activities and programmes (not just sports related or Islamic studies related) for our youth boys. Encourage the boys (or even gently push them) into taking on responsibility for some events, under the supervision of elder, experienced brothers. Get them collecting for the poor and delivering to the needy. Encourage them to go and visit the sick - not just children, but the elderly as well. Take them to spend time with orphans and the handicapped. All this will allow them to learn to have a greater appreciation for what they have been given by Allah ('azza wa jall).

• Combined family activities
Instead of having youth only camps, lets make them family camps - the best way for the community leaders to teach both the youth and parents at the same time. Divide the activities into some combined sessions and others only for the youth.

• When the fathers can’t or won’t be there...
Brothers, just as you make time for those activities you’re passionate about, make time to be a mentor! Whether sports, knowledge, deen or dunya related, we are begging of you to PLEASE give more than just an hour every second weekend to our boys. We have a great shortage of strong, good, male role models and mentors that our Muslim boys can relate to. Make some time to take on even one boy who is fatherless or has no Muslim man to be his guide as he grows up. Show him what being a Muslim man is by being a living example of the knowledge you have from our Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) and the Sahaba (radhiAllahu 'anhum ajma'een).

• Make Islam relevant as a practical way of life
Use our Islamic history to not just read and say ‘Oh, how great Islam is’, but to apply use it as a practical guide in showing the young boys HOW it can be done. Explain the challenges they will face and don’t brush their ideas or thoughts off. Listen and help them find the correct solutions to their issues, problems and challenges. Be the middle man between them and their parents. We have many examples in the seerah to show you and them how it was done.

• Teach them to love Allah and His deen
Let’s remember: quality over quantity! Don’t become jaded when you have only a couple or even a handful of boys show up for a programme/event. Remember that some Prophets had only a handful of followers who believed in their message, yet they never gave up. At least they cared enough to come (or their parents cared enough to bring them). Give them what you have for the sake of Allah ('azza wa jall) and then leave it in Allah’s Hands to guide them. Once you have, with the help of Allah ('azza wa jall), planted that seed of love for the deen in their hearts and minds, nothing and no one can change it except Him (subhanahu wa Ta'aala).

Patience, patience and patience
Don’t give up on our young Muslims. Even the boy that seems the most unlikely to listen to the message may surprise you by being the one who accepts and makes the greatest changes in themselves. Imagine if those you looked up to had given up on you... What if Allah gave up on you? Do you think you would be where you are today?

Remember even our beloved Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) did not give up on his uncle Abu Talib while he was in the throes of death. Even Prophet Nuh ('alayhissalaam) tried in every way, including making du’a to Allah I, to help save his son.

So why do fathers today just give up on their sons? In the end, remember that it is only Allah ('azza wa jall) that guides but that does not remove our responsibility of giving and trying till our last breath and making du’a for them - and Allah is the source of strength and guidance.

Umm Zainab Vanker has been active in da'wah and community activism in Canada for the last ten years, and is deeply concerned with issues related to family and parenting. She is the mother of one crazy daughter, three teenage sons, and grandmother to a three year old girl. She continues to struggle in raising her children and finding resources for them even in a Muslim country.

The Wisdom of Wives

All the wives of RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) were married for a reason.

After the death of Khadijah (radhiAllahu 'anha), RasulAllah was heartbroken - the loss of Khadijah, the first love of his life, the one who had supported him with wisdom and loyalty, had left an emptiness in his heart.

Thus, when Allah decreed that it was time for him to marry again, his first wife after Khadijah was Sawdah bint Zam'ah. She, like Khadijah, was a woman older than RasulAllah - but with that difference of age came maturity, wisdom, and calm reassurances. She provided him with the same sense of steadfastness and loyalty that he had been blessed with from Khadijah - and at that period in RasulAllah's life, it was exactly what he needed.

Umm Habibah bint Abi Sufyaan was different: She was one of the earliest believers in RasulAllah, and had made the Hijrah to Abyssinia with her first husband. However, this man apostated and died upon Christianity, leaving Umm Habiba shaken and alone. Keep in mind that she couldn't go back home even if she wanted to - her father, Abu Sufyan, was an avowed enemy of RasulAllah at the time.
RasulAllah married her to offer her comfort and reassurance for the ordeal she went through: the difficulty of being a believing woman first in Makkah, and then in a foreign land; the devastating experience of having her first husband leave Islam and die upon kufr.

A'ishah bint Abi Bakr was married to RasulAllah by the Command of Allah - and though her marriage to him is one of the most controversial, she was also the means of preserving roughly half the Deen! Whether it was through the ahadith she narrated, the fiqh rulings she issued, or her overall knowledge in various fields (language, medicine, and more), A'ishah became one of the greatest of all Islamic scholars. Without her, knowledge of Islam would not have been preserved or submitted in a way that ensured it would pass down to generations today... over 1400 years later.

Zaynab bint Khuzaymah was a quiet woman, and she passed away during the lifetime of RasulAllah, mere months after she married him. Yet in her, there is an example for those Muslim women who are of a different nature than Khadijah, A'ishah, or Hafsah... She was of those who maintained a quiet life, but no less blessed because of it. In fact, she was known as Umm al-Masaakeen due to the fact that she gave the most charity amongst all the wives of RasulAllah.

Umm Salamah was deeply in love with Abu Salamah and devastated when he died. When she was told, "Allah will replace him with someone better," she replied in anguish, "And who could be better than Abu Salamah?!" Soon after, RasulAllah himself came to ask for her hand in marriage.
In Umm Salamah is the proof that a woman may love deeply and truly, and that Allah will bless her with even more love in her lifetime - forget happily ever after with *one* true love; Umm Salamah was blessed with two!

Hafsah bint 'Umar was her father's daughter in many ways - strong, outspoken, and a dedicated worshipper to Allah. One of her greatest roles as the wife of RasulAllah, however, actually played out after his death. When the first manuscript of the Qur'an was compiled, it was placed in her care - rendering Hafsa the first caretaker of the Mus'haf, which she was until she passed away.

Zaynab bint Jahsh was a noblewoman of Quraysh, and the example of her marriage to RasulAllah was twofold: First, that she was married to a former slave (Zaid ibn Harith), proving that it is permissible for a woman of high social standing to marry someone of a so-called 'lower' social class; and secondly, that Zaid ibn Harith was the adopted son of RasulAllah... and she later divorced Zaid and married RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) himself.
Zaynab's marriage to RasulAllah was proof that in the eyes of the Shari'ah, the adopted son does not fall under the same rulings as a blood or milk son.

Safiyyah bint Hu'ayy was perhaps one of the first examples of intercultural marriage amongst Muslims. She was the daughter of a Jewish chief - essentially, a princess. Though she accepted Islam, the other wives of RasulAllah at first belittled her for her Jewish background, until such time that RasulAllah admonished them strongly and told Safiyyah, "Do not grieve, for your uncle was a Prophet, and your husband is a Prophet." From then on, Safiyyah's Jewish heritage was a source of honour for her - not of shame, as others had tried to make it seem.

Juwayriyyah bint al-Harith demonstrated political power: her choice to marry RasulAllah ensured that her entire tribe was freed from captivity. In a narration, it is said that she approached him directly regarding her freedom, whereupon he offered her marriage as an option. She immediately agreed, and as a result, she guaranteed social and political privilege to her tribe.

Maymunah bint al-Harith was similar to Zaynab bint Khuzaymah in that she was a woman who enjoyed seclusion; yet also, her relationship to Abdullah ibn Abbas - as his maternal aunt - was a means of allowing him access to a side of RasulAllah's life which was not open to many. There are numerous ahadith narrated by Ibn Abbas in which he says, "I was at the house of my maternal aunt, Maymunah bint al-Harith..."
In her own way, Maymunah was also a source of the preservation of the Sunnah of RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam).

Every wife of RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) had a different personality: Some were assertive, bold, and feisty; others were shy, quiet, and reclusive. Some had a mischievous sense of humour, while others were serene and had an aura of maturity around them. Some were scholarly and intellectual; others enjoyed making handicrafts and selling them. Some were politically aware and active; others preferred to engage in social activism at an intimately grassroots level.

Yet each and every one of them was specifically chosen by Allah, from above the seven heavens, to be married to the greatest of all creation: RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam). Each and every one of these women was a devoted worshipper of Allah. Each and every one of them was given the title "Umm al-Mu'mineen" - the Mother of the Believers, and they were all informed that they would be reunited with their beloved husband in Jannah.

And each and every one of them is an example to us today - not only to other women, but to the menfolk of the Ummah as well. 

Are we willing to learn? Are we willing to follow in their footsteps? Are we ready to train ourselves and the next generation of Muslims to be of the calibre and standard of the greatest Muslim women to walk the earth?

#ForgottenHeroines