When True Love Comes Twice

You live once, you die once, and you only have one true love... or so many people have been raised to believe.

 A culture of fairy tales and happily ever afters, romcoms and romance novels has raised generations of people to believe that out there in the world is just one person who was meant to be with you, just one person whom you will fall in love with so deeply that you will never truly love anyone else besides them.

 Umm Salamah (radhiAllahu 'anha) proved this theory false. She had not just one of her life, but two true loves!

 Umm Salamah was married to Abdullah ibn 'Abdul-Asad - also known as Abu Salamah, the father of her child. Together, they were amongst the first of those who accepted Islam, and made the first emigration to Abyssinia. Although they were separated on their second hijrah to Medinah, their love was strong and endured to see them reunited, and until Abu Salamah died of a battle-wound.

 On his deathbed, Umm Salamah tearfully told her husband, "If the husband of a woman dies and he is of the people of Paradise, and his wife dies after him without having remarried, Allah will bring them back together in Jannah. Let us pledge that neither of us will remarry!"

Abu Salamah asked her, "Will you obey me in whatever I request of you?"

Fervently, Umm Salamah replied, "Of course!"

Abu Salamah gazed at her, his heart overflowing with love for her, and told her, "If I die, swear to me that you will remarry!"

While Umm Salamah looked on in shock, he supplicated to Allah: "O Allah! Provide for Umm Salamah a man who is better than me!"

 Umm Salamah had spent her 'iddah grieving for her deceased husband, her heart breaking every time she thought of his gentleness, his kindness, his courage, and his patience. As she cradled her newborn daughter, she wept at the thought that Abu Salamah would never see his daughter, and that there might be no man who would be willing to raise another man's children as his own.

She thought back often on his words and wondered, in anguish, "Who could be better than Abu Salamah?"

 Her answer was questioned almost immediately: when her 'iddah ended at the birth of her daughter, Zaynab, RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) asked for her hand in marriage.

 In disbelief, Umm Salamah sent him a response: "I am an older woman, I am a jealous woman, and I have children from my previous husband."

 With his characteristic tenderness, RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) answered her fears: "I am older than you; Allah will remove your heart of jealousy; and I will raise your children amongst my own."

 The hesitation in Umm Salamah's heart, and the remnants of her grief for Abu Salamah, faded away, replaced with a sense of calmness and peace.

Abu Salamah's du'a had been answered, and once again, Umm Salamah experienced the wonder and beauty of true love... for the second time.

 There are many men and women who fall in love and are devastated at its loss… whether that loss occurs through death, divorce, or simply tests and trials in life that one never anticipated. The grief that one experiences can feel overwhelming and unbearable, and often one wonders if they will ever be able to experience such love again.

 Yet though our own concept and understanding of love is limited, Allah, al-Wadud, is not.

 The Messenger of Allah said:

“Verily, the hearts of the children of Adam, all of them, are between the two fingers of the Most Merciful as one heart; He directs them wherever he wills.” (Sahih Muslim 2654)

 The One who placed love in our hearts for one person, is easily able to heal our broken hearts and grant us the deep joy and comfort of another love in our lives – someone whom we will love not as a replacement for the person we have lost before, but as someone who will have captured our hearts in their own unique way.

 On the other hand, there is the unique situation of polygamy. It is a difficult thing for many women to understand and accept, and it’s true that polygamy amongst Muslims has garnered a bad reputation with a lot of negative baggage.

 Even so, it is something that should be recognized – although there are many Muslim men who have done polygamy badly, there are those who have done it well and with justice. For these men, Allah has also blessed them with true love, not once, but twice or even several more times.

 Abu Bakr (radhiAllahu ‘anhu) is in fact well known for being married to two great women: Umm Rumaan, the mother of A’ishah (radhiAllahu ‘anha), and Asmaa’ bint ‘Umays. Although he divorced his first wife, Qutaylah, who did not accept Islam, Abu Bakr cared for Umm Rumaan and Asmaa’ dearly.

 It was Umm Rumaan who was the mother of A'ishah (radhiAllahu 'anha), who raised her daughter and cared for her even when she left home as the bride of the Messenger of Allah. It was Umm Rumaan who, with a mother's love, protected A'ishah from the poisonous rumours of the Ifk. It was Umm Rumaan who, with Abu Bakr, grieved as they watched the people of Madinah create a scandal surrounding their daughter.

 When Umm Rumaan died, RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) prayed Salatul Janaazah over her body and lowered her into her grave, saying, “Whoever wishes to see a woman from amongst the hoor of Paradise, let him look upon Umm Rumaan!”

 As for Asmaa' bint 'Umays, she was a woman who had undertaken both emigrations for the sake of Allah - an honour limited to a mere handful of the Sahabah of RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam), and one which he reassured her regarding.  

When Abu Bakr lay on his deathbed, he insisted that it be Asmaa' alone who should wash his dead body. Considering how many other Companions were still alive at the time, Abu Bakr's request was a sign of his deep love and trust for his wife Asmaa'.

 For men and women alike, Allah’s mercy for His creation is such that He enables our hearts to be capable of so many different types of love; He has given us the ability to love, to lose, and to love again. Indeed, it is through this very blessing of His, the gift of being able to love repeatedly and in so many ways, that our hearts grow closer to Him in taqwa… a love borne of hope and awe. Truly, who is more deserving of our love other than Al-Wadud?

 {And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you love and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.} (Qur’an 30:21)

Zainab bint Younus (AnonyMouse) is a young woman who finds constant inspiration in the lives of the Sahabiyaat and other great women in Islamic history. She hopes that every Muslimah is able to identify with the struggles of these inspirational women and follow in their footsteps to become a part of a new generation of powerful Muslim women. She blogs at http://www.thesalafifeminist.blogspot.com 

Book Review: Salaam, Love

Salaam, Love: American Muslim Men on Love, Sex, and Intimacy

Published by Beacon Press.

Reviewed by Zainab bint Younus

On the heels of the popular, groundbreaking anthology Love Inshallah: American Muslim Women on Love, Sex, and Intimacy, comes Salaam, Love – the other side of the story.  

  

As Muslim women become more proactive in sharing their voices and experiences in the public sphere, a unique phenomenon has occurred: Muslim men don’t have the same opportunity to share their own deeply personal stories. Salaam, Love is an effort to create a ‘safe space’ for Muslim men to discuss some of their most vulnerable moments.

The anthology is divided into three sections: “Umma: It Takes a Village” shares stories that revolve around the role of family and friends in the search for marriage (and love); “Sirat: The Journey” includes inward reflections of each writer’s transformational experience with spiritual and romantic love; and finally, “Sabr: In Sickness and in Health” goes beyond the fairytale ending and explores the deeper, less glamorous aspects of true love.

Just as its predecessor, Love Inshallah, reflected the realities and experiences of a widely varied Muslim Ummah, so too do the contributors to Salaam, Love come from different ethnic and theological backgrounds. 

 There were several essays which stood out to me, both in quality of writing and in content – amongst them, Sam Pierstorff’s “Soda Bottles and Zebra Skins,” “Mother’s Curse” by Arsalan Ahmed, “Just One Kiss,” by Maher Rahman, “Planet Zero” by John Austin, “The Promise” by Alan Howard, and “Fertile Ground” by Khizer Husain.

 All of these essays shared something in common: unmistakeable authenticity, excellent writing, and touching upon issues within the Muslim community that have been previously ignored but are undeniably a reality.

 From extramarital affairs amongst ‘religious’ Muslims, being rejected for marriage because of race, fertility vs. adoption, and the heartbreak of losing a loved one, these essays echoed with a rawness of emotion and relevance. All these topics are still considered taboo in the Muslim community, and yet are faced by thousands of Muslims not just in the West, but all around the world. 

 Although I have often read works by female authors related to these issues, I was startled to realize that it was the first time I had read about them from the perspective of Muslim men who have experienced these matters first-hand. At the risk of sounding cliché, it was truly enlightening to realize that men – whom many women have come to think of as the perpetrators of most injustice – are equally affected at an emotional level and seek to change things for the better. 

 This glimpse at the challenges and struggles of Muslim men in their journeys of love and experiences with lust is must needed; all too often, we buy into the idea that men experience such things shallowly, with little introspection or consideration for their actions. Instead, the contributors to Salaam, Love reminded us of the humanity of men, a prompt to help us recognize that when it comes to matters of the heart, gender means little. Allah, al-Wadud, al-Muqallib al-Quloob, is the One Who controls our hearts without the preconceived, culturally structured ideas of what men and women should feel; it is He who evokes in our souls a yearning for love of Him, and for earthly love as well.    

However, I will admit that I also found myself somewhat disappointed by Salaam, Love. In comparison to Love Inshallah, which I found engaging at every point (with only a couple of stories which did not resonate with me all that much), the remaining essays in Salaam, Love came off as mediocre at best. Some rambled on for far too long, causing me to lose my interest; most ended up sounding like a recycled version of “brown Muslim boy just wants to be with a girl.”  

 Nonetheless, Salaam, Love is enjoyable overall, and is still a book that I would recommend. It is a one-of-a-kind compilation that reminds men and women alike that the hearts of men are not so strange or unfathomable as those of women; Muslim men, like Muslim women, struggle with temptation and desire, seek love and security, and pray not just for a happily ever after, but for a happily ever afterlife.

3.5 out of 5 stars.

Zainab bint Younus (AnonyMouse) is a writer, social justice activist-wannabe, and absent-minded bookworm. She writes for SISTERS Magazine and blogs at http://www.thesalafifeminist.blogspot.com

Order it here!! 

Rekindling the Fires of Love

Umm Zainab Vanker shares some ideas on how to rekindle the sparks when those early days of marriage seem like distant memories.

We forget that before we became Mum, chauffeur, nurse, and more, we were a woman and wife first. It’s time we took the initiative and brought back that glint in our spouse’s eye (and a little spring in our own steps!). Here are a few ideas to spread throughout your days, nights, weeks, and months!

Daily

1. Take a shower
The best time for this is just after you’ve finished the sweaty housework or before your husband gets home. Buy yourself some really nice scented bodywash, lotion or talc powders that are light on scent but can be smelled when someone is close enough to you. The shimmery ones add a little extra sparkle, too!

2. Own a few modest yet sexy, fun clothing items
Depending on how many kids you have and their respective ages, have a few outfits to wear around the house that are modest but still make you feel feminine, sexy, and fun. And don’t forget to add some sexy lingerie. They help liven things up!

3. Comb your hair
Make sure to run a comb or brush through your hair and look a little less ‘bush woman’. Even if you’re just tying it up in a ponytail or a plait, use hair accessories to give it a different look; you’ll feel better without even realising it.

4. Use cosmetics
Run a little lip gloss or lip balm on your lips to make them feel and stay soft and sensual. Use a little light blush to bring some colour into your cheeks and, if not going outside, use some kohl or eyeliner.

5. Show affection
Show affection to each other by giving one another nicknames, hugging your husband when he comes home even from the masjid, and teasing each other in a playful way. So what if the kids see this type of affection openly? It will teach them the halal method of showing affection and help them in their marriages later on, insha Allah. Just make sure that they also see that when company is around (such as your parents or in-laws), certain things are not done in front of them out of respect for them as elders.

Weekly
It's tough trying to keep things going daily, so at least have some weekly plans to keep the embers warm.

1. A special day
As Friday is our weekly Eid for us as Muslims, why not make it special, not just for the kids, but the whole family. Set a different feel and routine for this day every week. Dress to impress and light incense throughout the house.

2. Special clothes
All those clothes that you've got in your closet to wear for sisters’functions that don’t come out very often, why not wear them for the one person who will show you how much he appreciates it? Better still, there will be no fear about anyone describing you to others.

3. A special meal
Choose a day when your hubby is going to be home early, to cook that special meal that he likes so much. Something that you don't have time to make often, he’ll love it even more that you took the time to make it especially for him.

4. Adult time out
Make sure that you find some way, somehow, to sneak time alone with your spouse. If the kids are toddlers, use their nap time to steal time if he's home or once they’re in bed. If school age, then once they're in bed, that's your time with him. Even if he works odd hours, make sure to take at least 15 minutes alone together.

5. Discreet PDA’s (public displays of affection)
Depending on the country or society that you are living in, PDA's amongst Muslim couples can be done in a very discreet and tasteful manner. No, it is not haram. I am not suggesting any overt displays at all! Things like holding hands while you're walking, whether grocery shopping, window shopping or taking the kids for some fun in the park; teasing each other, sharing a drink or meal or snack together, or whispering to each other. Be creative!

Monthly
Some things can only be done monthly. Try and find out your husband’s schedule, then plan even just one thing.

1. Date night/day
You don't need a lot of savings or even to do this outside the home. After getting the kids to bed early or for those lucky enough to have family members, take them for a sleepover for a night or out for a few hours during the day, and then plan a date! Inform him beforehand that you have booked this time with him, so he had better not book anything else.
Go out for dessert, take a drive somewhere, have lunch or dinner out. If you can't afford this, then make a special dessert at home or plan a candlelit dinner. Sit on the sofa and cuddle together and talk, not boring daily routine stuff but about anything else, even politics. Just talk!

2. Shop together
We all know most men hate shopping but that's because we don't make it fun! How do you make it fun? Well, all men love to see their woman in lingerie, so once a month tell him to you need his help in choosing which lingerie or underwear to buy. If he's too shy to go inside the store with you, at least he can help you choose from outside the store by nodding yes or no. You don't have to only listen and choose what he likes, but buy what you both agree on. Then go home and model them for him when you're alone. It doesn't just have to be lingerie but can be anything whether for you or him. And yes, you can buy him nice men's underwear or PJ's to wear instead of that ratty T-shirt and shalwar he calls pyjamas!

3. Bathe/soak together
Men like to be pampered, just like us! They have sore muscles and aches and sometimes taking a warm soak helps. So why not do it together? (If you have a bathtub, that is.) Buy some scented bath salts and fill the tub and tell him to get in… then surprise him by joining him. You'll both end up feeling relaxed!

4. Give each other massages
Buy a bottle of relaxing massage oil and give each other a massage at least once a month. Teach him how to do it if he complains that he doesn't know. Sometimes old pets can learn new tricks, if they're taught nicely.

Bi-yearly or yearly
Then there are things that can only be done once or twice a year!

1. School breaks/family breaks
During school breaks or family breaks, make sure to plan some things that you both like to do. Perhaps something nature-related or other shared interest (too bad if the kids find it boring, it's not only their break!).

2. A weekend alone
If and when possible, find a weekend when the kids are staying with family or at a camp or Islamic program to book a weekend away for both of you. Pamper yourselves if you can afford to.
The Internet is a great tool for finding deals. You don’t even have to leave the city you live in! Just make full use of your hotel room!

3. Re-enact your wedding night as you wish it would have been
Almost everyone wishes they could change something about their wedding night and that it was more memorable (especially without the awkwardness of that first night alone with each other!). Who says you can't re-enact it, with some tweaks to make it just as you wished it had been? There's nothing to be shy about or feel ashamed of. I promise you, neither of you will forget this night, not for a long time!

Once in a Lifetime:
Take a cruise or vacation of your dreams for a couple weeks. Travelling together makes you relearn the old and find out the new things about each other. You realise how much each of you have not only changed, but grown over the years and have become true partners as you both depend on each other for many things that you sometimes take for granted.

After 22 years of marriage, you realise that you cannot be serious all the time. Lighten up, be childish and silly together. Remember the early days and months of marriage and try to bring those feelings!

Umm Zainab Vanker (UmmAnonyMouse) has been married for 22 years, has 4 children, 1 grandchild, and is still looking for inventive ways to keep the embers glowing.