Madrasah Musings

eaching madrasah is not glamorous work.

Frankly, it can be tedious & exhausting.

It is also deeply emotional - a wild ride of being invested in children who are not your own flesh & blood, & yet whom you find yourself loving & being irritated at & being hopeful for & being disappointed in.

If you walk into one of our classes, it won't seem like much. Circles of children learning to read Arabic from the qaa'idah & beginning their hifdh. Story times, discussions with the shaykh about loving Allah & His Messenger, understanding salah, obedience to parents, Islamic identity. We teach them what to say when they wake up & go to bed; how to use the bathroom; what it means to be a Muslim.

Simple, no?

Hell no.

We've been at this for a long time - years of it. We find ourselves caught between hope in the newer generations & praying that they live the lessons they're learning from us, & heartbreak when years pass & we see those whom we once taught as young adults, all too often having lost their way.

We celebrate each child's progress, tsking with regret at the ones whose parents clearly do not prioritize practicing at home. We speak excitedly of the children who come to class with sparkling eyes & eager voices; frustrated at those who make no effort & display constant disrespect.

Each day that we sit down with our students, we wonder: who amongst them will still be praying five times a day, every day, in another year? In five years? In ten years? Will any of them continue to recite the the Qur’an they so painstaking memorize today? Will they be confident in their Islam, dynamic in seeking knowledge? Or will they have lost everything but the barest wisps of memory, of Islam as little more than a cultural quirk?

There's only so much we can do in a few hours a week; we can only hope that the parents won't undo it.

These children mean so much more to us than just passing students. They are the lifeblood of this Ummah, & it is a privilege & a responsibility on us all to raise them to be the best generation to come.

Will we succeed, or will we fail them?

We'll find out on the Day of Judgment, I suppose.

...

Y'all don't understand (or maybe you do!). My family has spent a long, looong, looooong time doing it - literally since I was a child. I got conscripted as a teacher at the age of 15, tasked with helping kids learn the Arabic alphabet and their first surahs in Juz 'Ammah (except I'm awful at teaching little kids, and got bumped up to teach the intermediate class with slightly older kids who didn't cry as much when I was in Scary Teacher Mode).

When I first left home, I was actually relieved that I wouldn't have to teach anymore... until I realized how much I missed it. In Kuwait, I found myself leaping at the opportunity to teach again, and when I moved back to Canada, I jumped back into it. Now, my parents and I teach again on a weekly basis, and with it has returned All The Feels.

It's not just about showing up and teaching kids for an hour or so and then packing up and going home.

It's spending hours every week with children at different levels and different paces of learning; exulting in their progress, groaning at setbacks, pouring our blood, sweat, and tears into every day and every child.

It's drinking a stiff cup of coffee before every class, wondering why we put ourselves through this agony every week, and sighing with exhaustion at the end of every class, comparing notes on who got ahead and who fell behind and who is still struggling with their current lessons.

It's getting excited planning a graduation ceremony for the kids we've managed to get through the qaa'idah and who have begun reading from the mus'haf itself and who have memorized their first Juz.

It's finding ourselves sitting at the dinner table or driving to do groceries and somehow we end up talking about "our kids" again - both past and present students.

It's stalking our old students online to see what they're up to and what paths they've taken in life and whether they ever remember what they learned with us.

It's wondering aloud about our current students and hoping that they make better life choices than some of their predecessors and desperately praying that they continue to read and recite the Qur'an throughout their lives... and selfishly hoping that we continue to receive ajr for every letter of the Qur'an that they utter.

In the end, that's what it is really about: dedicating ourselves to the inglorious, grueling, painful, exhilarating, and deeply emotional cause of teaching Muslim children the very basics of their faith, solely for the Sake of Allah. (We sure as heck aren't making much of a career out of it!)

We know that we have an obligation to this Ummah, and we have no choice but to fulfill it. We only pray that Allah accepts our work, and blesses it, and makes the fruits of our labour last long after we pass away.

{Say: "Verily, my Salat (prayer), my sacrifice, my living, and my dying are for Allah, the Lord of the Worlds.} (Qur'an 6:162)

The Messenger of Allah said: "Whoever teaches some knowledge will have the reward of the one who acts upon it, without that detracting from his reward in the slightest." [ibn Majah]

Book Review: Dahling, If You Love Me, Would You Please, Please Smile?

Dahling, If You Luv Me, Would You Please, Please Smile? is the first published novel by Rukhsana Khan, a Canadian Muslim writer. Targeting young tween and teen readers, the story revolves around 13-year-old Zainab. Her older sister Layla is bossy, judgmental, and quick to find fault in her – which is all too easy when Zainab is already struggling to fit in at school, where she’s the only Muslim girl and one of the very few ‘brown’ kids.

The issues Zainab finds herself faced with are many, and darker than what most adults ever suspect their young teens of being confronted with it. Manipulation, bullying, the sexual exploitation of a friend and an attempted suicide are all disturbingly common in the eighth grade.

Desperate to belong, Zainab is trying hard to figure out how to let her Islamic values guide her actions and decisions. How can she help her friend Jenny, who adoringly seeks the attention of the most popular guy at school… despite his predatorial behavior? How can Zainab become popular enough that being brown won’t be a matter of shame? How can she improve herself as a Muslim when her sister Layla insists that she is too flawed to be a properly good Muslimah?

Wisely observing Zainab’s dilemma, her teacher Mr. Weiss gives her a challenge: putting Zainab in charge of the school play. Thinking to use her new position as a way to become more popular with the other kids, Zainab discovers that her new role is more difficult than expected. As she faces new obstacles and navigate through greater conflicts, Zainab learns what it really means to become a brave, responsible Muslimah, by standing up for what’s right even when it seems impossible.

Dahling, If You Luv Me, Would You Please, Please Smile? is a teen novel that I found surprisingly darker and deeper than expected, yet appreciated even more precisely for that fact. Rukhsana Khan doesn’t beat around the bush when it comes to broaching these sensitive topics, yet her characters reflect a realistic and compassionate understanding of what it means to be a young person facing difficult situations.

I highly recommend this book for the 11-16 age group, especially for kids who are attending public schools and have almost certainly been exposed to these issues already. This novel is a great way to foster discussion between Muslim parents and teens on how to deal with difficult and serious subject matter.

Zainab bint Younus is a young Canadian Muslimah who has been reading and writing for as long as she can remember. She’s constantly on the hunt for new (and old) novels written by Muslim authors, and is already looking to replenish her rapidly dwindling collection. Zainab blogs at http://www.TheSalafiFeminist.blogspot.com

Humans Over Hooris - Who's Superior?

A lot of women are made to feel jealous of the Hoor al-‘Ayn, and much of it due to the way that male speakers discuss the Hoor of Jannah in contrast to the believing women of this world.

Unfortunately, so much emphasis is given on describing the Hoor al-‘Ayn and their alleged “superiority” to human women, that the lessons shared are in fact contrary to the Sunnah of RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) himself.

Abu Hurayrah narrated that the Prophet Muhammad (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم) said that:
“Every man in heaven will go to 72 of the creatures of Allah (houris) and 2 of the women of mankind, these two (human, believing) women are superior to the creatures of Allah (houris) with their worshipping (good deeds) they had performed in this world.” [Bayhaqi, al-Bas wa’n-Nushur; Tabari, Tafsir; Abu Yala, Ibn Hajar, Fathu’l-Baari, Tabarani and others]

Umm Salamah (Radiahallahu Anha) narrates that she said to the Prophet Muhammad (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam):
“O Rasûlullah, are the women of this world superior or the hûrs (of Paradise)?”

He replied, “The women of this world will have superiority over the hûrs (houris) just as the outer lining of a garment has superiority over the inner lining.”

Umm Salamah then asked, “O Rasûlullah, what is the reason for this?” He answered, “Because they performed salâh, fasted, and worshipped [Allah]. Allah will put light on their faces and silk on their bodies.
[The human women] will be fair in complexion and will wear green clothing and yellow jewelry. Their incense-burners will be made of pearls and their combs will be of gold. They will say, ‘We are the women who will stay forever and we will never die. We are the women who will always remain in comfort and we will never undergo difficulty.
We are the women who will stay and we will never leave. Listen, we are happy women and we will never become sad. Glad tidings to those men for whom we are and who are for us.’” [Tabrânî]

From these two powerful ahadeeth, it is obvious that contrary to what is commonly taught today, the Sahabah and Sahabiyaat were clearly aware that the believing women of this world are far, far superior to the Hoor al-‘Ayn.

Take a moment and just think about how much time is spent in the Qur’an describing the Hoor al-‘Ayn… think about all the time that men spend talking about the Hoor al-‘Ayn…
Now take that, and multiply it - by 10, by 20… according to one narration, the believing women of this world who enter Jannah will be SEVENTY TIMES MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE HOOR AL-‘AYN.

Whenever Allah describes something in the Qur’an and RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) explains it in the Sunnah, it’s always for a reason. Never does Allah or His Messenger belittle or put down Muslim women; to the contrary, the Qur’an and Sunnah are filled with examples of how Muslim women are empowered and honoured, in both this world and the Hereafter.

Unfortunately, however, some Muslims have conveniently chosen those things which they find personally attractive, and created a skewed narrative which has served the purpose of making Muslim women dread - wa’l iyaadhu billaah - even the thought of reading the descriptions of Jannah, because they’ve been subconsciously taught to be jealous of the Hoor al-‘Ayn.

Ladies, remember that it is Allah alone who knows us better than any other human; remember that Allah is the Most Just, the Most Compassionate, and the One Who will reward us beyond our imagination’s comprehension.
As believing women, who will inshaAllah enter Jannah, we will never be shortchanged by the One Who promised us a perfect, eternal reward.

And men, if you’re reading this… just remember that there’s no guarantee that you’re going to enter Jannah anyway. All that time you waste thinking about the Hoor al-‘Ayn and trying to make your wife jealous about them (and joke’s on you anyway, your wife is inshaAllah going to be so much better than them), is time that you could be spending actually doing good deeds and *earning* Jannah to begin with.

A Prayer

“When a Muslim servant (of Allah) or a believer (Mumin) washes his face (in the course of Wudhu), every sin he has committed with his eyes is washed away from his face along with the water, or with the last drop of water; when he washes his hands, every sin they wrought is erased from his hands with the water, or with the last drop of water; and when he washes his feet, every sin towards which his feet walked is washed away with water, or with the last drop of water, with the result that he comes out cleansed of all sins.” [Sahih Muslim]

Hands trembling, water splashing, feeling only the scourge of sin upon skin…

He could still feel the caress of female flesh against his fingers, the sweet nothings he whispered as he coaxed a slow, yielding response to his own desire, masking his own need, wanting to be wanted…

She could still hear the deafening pounding of music against her eardrums, a wild invitation hissing through her blood, liquid courage thrumming within her as she tipped her head back and drank, reckless, seeking a release from her own soul…

 O Allaah, place within my heart light, and upon my tongue light, and within my ears light, and within my eyes light, and place behind me light and in front of me light and above me light and beneath me light. O Allaah, bestow upon me light.’

 Legs shaking, feet dragging, shadows upon the heart;

Haunting memories, nightmares of human evil, mocking reminders of every crime committed against self, against God…

He could still see the darkness of an alley; desperation lending fury to action, the snick of a blade to emphasize the demand for a wallet, a few measly dollars, anything to pay for the next fix…

She could still smell the acrid stench of vomit, musky overtones of smoke from cigarettes made from more than just tobacco; stained sheets and hollow satisfaction…

 When a worshipper of Allah uses the siwaak (to clean his teeth), and then stands in prayer, an angel comes and stands behind him, listening to the recitation of Qur’an. The angel continues to listen and draw nearer until he places his mouth over the worshipper’s, so that he does not recite one aayah but that it enters into the angel’s mouth. Therefore, purify your mouth for the recitation of Qur’an. (Al-Bayhaqi, authenticated by al-Albani)

 Can one be kissed by an angel when they’ve so often danced with the devil?

Tongue stumbling over half-forgotten verses; the distant memory of peace, evoked; and slowly, slowly…

Her shoulders loosen, taut muscles softening at an unseen touch; her voice sweetens with the recitation of once-familiar prayer…

His breath comes slow and deep, almost afraid as hope begins to unfurl deep within… 

 Indeed, Allah has said: I have divided prayer between Myself and My servant into two halves, and My servant shall have what he has asked for.  

In the name of God, Most Beneficient, Most Merciful

All Praises are due to God, Lord of the worlds

(Allah responds:) ‘My slave has praised Me 

The Beneficient, Most Merciful

‘My slave has extolled Me’ 

King of the Day of Judgement 

‘My slave has proclaimed My Greatness’ 

You alone do we worship, and to You alone do we turn to for help

‘This is between Me and My slave and I grant to My slave what he has asked.'  

Guide us to the Straight Path 

‘All this is there for My slave. He shall be given what he prays for.’ 

The path of those whom You have graced 

‘All this is there for My slave. He shall be given what he prays for.’ 

Not of those who have deserved Your Anger, nor those who have gone astray 

‘All this is there for My slave. He shall be given what he prays for.’ 

(Narrated by Muslim, Malik, at-Tirmidhi, Abu-Dawud, an-Nasa'i and Ibn Majah)

 Pleading praises, weeping exaltations, grief-stricken glorification… What hope has a broken soul for the mercy of their Lord? 

 “The closest that a servant is to his Lord is when he is in prostration.” (Muslim) 

A yearning soul, a longing for love, a whispered prayer. My Lord, forgive me… my Lord, my Lord!

 "O son of Adam, as long as you call upon Me and put your hope in Me, I have forgiven you for what you have done and I do not mind. O son of Adam, if your sins were to reach the clouds of the sky and then you would seek My forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, if you were to come to Me with sins that are close to filling the earth and then you would meet Me without ascribing any partners with Me, I would certainly bring to you forgiveness close to filling it." (Authenticated by Al Albani)

Sakeenah of spirit, awestruck awareness, tranquility so profound that – for now – the shadows are banished, soul glimmering with mother-of-pearl purity. 

"Verily, with hardship there is ease." (Qur'an 94:6)

 A soft sigh. A heart unburdened.  Indeed, after hardship comes ease.

Divorced Ramblings

Love Inshallah published my reflections on the unexpected aftermath of divorce.


I am twenty-two-years old. I am a rebellious daughter, a fierce writer, a determined feminist, a fiery niqaabi. I have been to six countries, living in three of them. I have a three-year-old daughter. And I am divorced.

Most people don’t know what to say, how to react. Some give me condolences, a sympathetic hand squeeze, a look of pity and sorrow. Others frown, shake their heads, mutter that I look too happy, too relieved, that my smile is too wide and my laughter too free.

They do not know that I grieved for my marriage before it even ended, that I celebrate my freedom every day, that my heart aches most not out of regret or anger, but out of quiet sorrow for those unusual moments that studded my marriage like shards of raw diamonds – unexpectedly beautiful, but with a sharpness that cuts deeper all the more for their brightness.


Divorce throws the world into sharp relief, reminds me of who I am, highlights the ridiculous standards and expectations of society, helps me laugh when I’d rather cry. Divorce tells me not to give up – and I don’t. I yet dream of love, plot for the future with all the ferocity of ambition, search and find beauty in all that has happened in my life.

What is even more unexpected is the rush of tenderness I feel now for my daughter’s father. He is no villain, but a man as lost as anyone else, as desperate for love as every other soul, as broken within as we all are. Though I have freed myself from having to fight his battles, I pray that he is able to find the strength and wisdom to fight them himself, and to be victorious against the forces that he struggles with inside himself.

One of the last things I told him was, “I don’t love you.” Now, I realize that I didn’t tell the entire truth. No, I did not love him as a husband, as a soul mate, as the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But every Muslim has rights over another Muslim, and one of those rights is to be loved for the Sake of Allah. This man is the father of my daughter, who loved me in his own way, however misguided… yes, I can muster compassion for him. And what is compassion, if not a pale, transparent, opalescent type of love?

In my sujood, where whispered prayers slip past my lips like unbidden pearls, where my heart’s true desires make themselves known, when my darkest fears are revealed and banished at that moment when my soul speaks to my Lord – one supplication finds itself repeated, over and over. O Allah, let him find true love.

—

Zainab bint Younus aka AnonyMouse al-Majnoonah aka The Salafi Feminist is a nomadic young woman with big dreams, a small daughter, and a penchant for too many pseudonyms. She blogs at http://www.TheSalafiFeminist.blogspot.com

The Ideal Muslimah - Muslim Montage

MuslimahMontage.com has featured my piece: The Ideal Muslimah.

 About Zainab:

Salafi feminist. Professional nomad. Untamed dreamer. Veiled warrior. Wandering scribe. Whimsical idealist. Wannabe biker chick. Incorrigible rebel. Absent minded mother. Faithful believer.

The Ideal Muslimah

The ideal Muslimah… is not afraid to have her own personality, whether she is as wise as Khadijah, passionate as A’ishah, fierce as Hind, noble as Zaynab, or demure as Maymunah.

The ideal Muslimah… follows the sunnah of Khadijah and uses her financial savvy to benefit the Ummah… and doesn’t allow others to tell her that she’ll never get a man that way.

The ideal Muslimah… is loved, valued, and married for her taqwa and beauty of character, not some shallow, arbitrary cultural standards of physical beauty.

The ideal Muslimah… is not a doormat. She has the wisdom of Umm Salamah, the audacity of A’ishah, the intelligence of Hafsa, the ego of Zaynab, and the humour of Sauda.

The ideal Muslimah… is someone who may never have children, like A’ishah; someone who may have numerous daughters but no sons, like Khadijah; someone who has children from a previous marriage, like Umm Salamah. Her worth as a human, as a believer, does not lie in her fertility.

The ideal Muslimah… has the courage of Zaynab bint Ali when she fights for what she believes in and faces down oppression, even if it comes from fellow Muslims.

The ideal Muslimah… does not allow her intelligence to be belittled or disrespected, for Allah created her to be of those who think.
{And He has subjected to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is on the earth – all from Him. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.} (Qur’an 45:13)

The ideal Muslimah… is not kept locked away or helpless. She is a vibrant, contributing part of the Ummah and doesn’t let anyone tell her otherwise – because Allah told her so.
{The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those – Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.} (Qur’an 9:71)

The ideal Muslimah… is not perfect.
Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “I swear by Him in whose hand is my soul, if you were a people who did not commit sin, Allah would take you away and replace you with a people who would sin and then seek Allah’s forgiveness so He could forgive them.” [Sahīh Muslim (2687)]

The ideal Muslimah… makes mistakes and knows it, but loves her Lord and repents to Him constantly.
{Indeed, Allah loves those who are constantly repentant and loves those who purify themselves.} (Qur’an 2:222)

The ideal Muslimah… is beloved to Allah, Who promised her paradise.
{Indeed, the Muslim men and Muslim women, the believing men and believing women, the obedient men and obedient women, the truthful men and truthful women, the patient men and patient women, the humble men and humble women, the charitable men and charitable women, the fasting men and fasting women, the men who guard their private parts and the women who do so, and the men who remember Allah often and the women who do so – for them Allah has prepared forgiveness and a great reward.} (Qur’an 33:35)

#ForgottenHeroines

Rekindling the Fires of Love

Umm Zainab Vanker shares some ideas on how to rekindle the sparks when those early days of marriage seem like distant memories.

We forget that before we became Mum, chauffeur, nurse, and more, we were a woman and wife first. It’s time we took the initiative and brought back that glint in our spouse’s eye (and a little spring in our own steps!). Here are a few ideas to spread throughout your days, nights, weeks, and months!

Daily

1. Take a shower
The best time for this is just after you’ve finished the sweaty housework or before your husband gets home. Buy yourself some really nice scented bodywash, lotion or talc powders that are light on scent but can be smelled when someone is close enough to you. The shimmery ones add a little extra sparkle, too!

2. Own a few modest yet sexy, fun clothing items
Depending on how many kids you have and their respective ages, have a few outfits to wear around the house that are modest but still make you feel feminine, sexy, and fun. And don’t forget to add some sexy lingerie. They help liven things up!

3. Comb your hair
Make sure to run a comb or brush through your hair and look a little less ‘bush woman’. Even if you’re just tying it up in a ponytail or a plait, use hair accessories to give it a different look; you’ll feel better without even realising it.

4. Use cosmetics
Run a little lip gloss or lip balm on your lips to make them feel and stay soft and sensual. Use a little light blush to bring some colour into your cheeks and, if not going outside, use some kohl or eyeliner.

5. Show affection
Show affection to each other by giving one another nicknames, hugging your husband when he comes home even from the masjid, and teasing each other in a playful way. So what if the kids see this type of affection openly? It will teach them the halal method of showing affection and help them in their marriages later on, insha Allah. Just make sure that they also see that when company is around (such as your parents or in-laws), certain things are not done in front of them out of respect for them as elders.

Weekly
It's tough trying to keep things going daily, so at least have some weekly plans to keep the embers warm.

1. A special day
As Friday is our weekly Eid for us as Muslims, why not make it special, not just for the kids, but the whole family. Set a different feel and routine for this day every week. Dress to impress and light incense throughout the house.

2. Special clothes
All those clothes that you've got in your closet to wear for sisters’functions that don’t come out very often, why not wear them for the one person who will show you how much he appreciates it? Better still, there will be no fear about anyone describing you to others.

3. A special meal
Choose a day when your hubby is going to be home early, to cook that special meal that he likes so much. Something that you don't have time to make often, he’ll love it even more that you took the time to make it especially for him.

4. Adult time out
Make sure that you find some way, somehow, to sneak time alone with your spouse. If the kids are toddlers, use their nap time to steal time if he's home or once they’re in bed. If school age, then once they're in bed, that's your time with him. Even if he works odd hours, make sure to take at least 15 minutes alone together.

5. Discreet PDA’s (public displays of affection)
Depending on the country or society that you are living in, PDA's amongst Muslim couples can be done in a very discreet and tasteful manner. No, it is not haram. I am not suggesting any overt displays at all! Things like holding hands while you're walking, whether grocery shopping, window shopping or taking the kids for some fun in the park; teasing each other, sharing a drink or meal or snack together, or whispering to each other. Be creative!

Monthly
Some things can only be done monthly. Try and find out your husband’s schedule, then plan even just one thing.

1. Date night/day
You don't need a lot of savings or even to do this outside the home. After getting the kids to bed early or for those lucky enough to have family members, take them for a sleepover for a night or out for a few hours during the day, and then plan a date! Inform him beforehand that you have booked this time with him, so he had better not book anything else.
Go out for dessert, take a drive somewhere, have lunch or dinner out. If you can't afford this, then make a special dessert at home or plan a candlelit dinner. Sit on the sofa and cuddle together and talk, not boring daily routine stuff but about anything else, even politics. Just talk!

2. Shop together
We all know most men hate shopping but that's because we don't make it fun! How do you make it fun? Well, all men love to see their woman in lingerie, so once a month tell him to you need his help in choosing which lingerie or underwear to buy. If he's too shy to go inside the store with you, at least he can help you choose from outside the store by nodding yes or no. You don't have to only listen and choose what he likes, but buy what you both agree on. Then go home and model them for him when you're alone. It doesn't just have to be lingerie but can be anything whether for you or him. And yes, you can buy him nice men's underwear or PJ's to wear instead of that ratty T-shirt and shalwar he calls pyjamas!

3. Bathe/soak together
Men like to be pampered, just like us! They have sore muscles and aches and sometimes taking a warm soak helps. So why not do it together? (If you have a bathtub, that is.) Buy some scented bath salts and fill the tub and tell him to get in… then surprise him by joining him. You'll both end up feeling relaxed!

4. Give each other massages
Buy a bottle of relaxing massage oil and give each other a massage at least once a month. Teach him how to do it if he complains that he doesn't know. Sometimes old pets can learn new tricks, if they're taught nicely.

Bi-yearly or yearly
Then there are things that can only be done once or twice a year!

1. School breaks/family breaks
During school breaks or family breaks, make sure to plan some things that you both like to do. Perhaps something nature-related or other shared interest (too bad if the kids find it boring, it's not only their break!).

2. A weekend alone
If and when possible, find a weekend when the kids are staying with family or at a camp or Islamic program to book a weekend away for both of you. Pamper yourselves if you can afford to.
The Internet is a great tool for finding deals. You don’t even have to leave the city you live in! Just make full use of your hotel room!

3. Re-enact your wedding night as you wish it would have been
Almost everyone wishes they could change something about their wedding night and that it was more memorable (especially without the awkwardness of that first night alone with each other!). Who says you can't re-enact it, with some tweaks to make it just as you wished it had been? There's nothing to be shy about or feel ashamed of. I promise you, neither of you will forget this night, not for a long time!

Once in a Lifetime:
Take a cruise or vacation of your dreams for a couple weeks. Travelling together makes you relearn the old and find out the new things about each other. You realise how much each of you have not only changed, but grown over the years and have become true partners as you both depend on each other for many things that you sometimes take for granted.

After 22 years of marriage, you realise that you cannot be serious all the time. Lighten up, be childish and silly together. Remember the early days and months of marriage and try to bring those feelings!

Umm Zainab Vanker (UmmAnonyMouse) has been married for 22 years, has 4 children, 1 grandchild, and is still looking for inventive ways to keep the embers glowing.

Raising Muslim Men: Where Are The Fathers?

In keeping within the SISTERS ethos to strive towards being the best Muslimahs we can be, this series - Raising Muslim Men - will take a holistic look at how we as mothers, sisters, educators, mentors and more can nurture our young brothers into being the best they can be.

UmmZainab Vanker voices her concerns about the disinterest shown by many fathers in raising their sons.

Mothers today, especially those of us who have sons, have this dream that our husbands will be a different kind of father to how their fathers or our fathers were to us. They will have a more active role in raising our son/s, being mentors and guides to them especially in the critical mid to late childhood and early adulthood years. Once mothers have weaned and toilet trained them, they would take over the teaching of the greater parenting areas, such as emotional and psychological growth and physical training young boys need, and not just the basics of salah, discipline, respect and how to behave at the masjid!

Many of us dream that our husbands will minimally spend an hour or so daily teaching them Qur’an, Islamic studies lessons and, for those who know Arabic, this beautiful language. But the reality is quite a different story!

Most fathers are so busy outside the home that when they do return, they just spend a little time with the family before the kids go to bed. Realistically, how many of our men today have a 9-5 job? Not many! Yet we as mothers still hope that on the days off, they will call the sons to be active with them at the masjid or Islamic centre, take them and teach them the skills they have and do things with them to establish a stronger bond on an emotional level so that they will be like friends one day.

Unfortunately, for the most part, the responsibility of raising our sons has been dropped onto the mothers’ laps. Realising that sons are very different to daughters, some mothers do have the skills and ideas to bring them up, but some have no idea at all what to do with boys! Mothers have, for the most part, had to take on and be somewhat of a father as well as a mother. There are still men out there who do take on the full responsibility of fatherhood, but they are sadly the minority.
Role models needed!

When listening to many Muslim mothers today, the main issue we hear is, “How do I get my husband to play a bigger role in the lives of our sons? To be the one who talks to him, guides and advises him like the Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) did with Anas Ibn Malik, Abdullah Ibn Umar, Ali Ibn Abi Talib (radhiAllahu 'anhum ajma'een) and so many other young boys who were not even his own flesh and blood!"

I know from my own personal experience of raising three sons that there are times I wish we had a community around us where my sons could have good Muslim men as mentors. When their father is not able to be there for them, I wish there was someone we both trust equally to take on the role of a big brother/uncle/friend.

Unfortunately, this is just a dream today as we live in times where even many of the active brothers from the masajid (mosques) are only available for sports or supervising minor talks. I know the frustration most mothers feel in the search for good brothers to be mentors for our sons - to fill the gaps we see in our sons’ lives. It's easier to get similar initiatives for our daughters because we're the ones dealing with it directly. With sons we need for the most part to run it by the husband first, then if we're lucky and he agrees, it again falls into our laps to find those brothers who can be good role models as well as mentors and friends.

Somehow fathers passed on their responsibility for their sons’ lives to the mothers and we accepted it as we do with many other things we take on, without questioning. Then, when the sons are young men and have no real relationship with their fathers and can't even talk to their dads about what they’re really feeling or dealing with or get guidance, the blame is put on us. It became your fault for not fostering or forcing that relationship in which your son would feel comfortable opening up any discussion with their father.

When it comes to talking about the signs, rules and responsibility of puberty, how to pray salah in jama'ah, how to control their desires and deal with the trials of living in today's world, mothers have had to become naggers in asking their husbands to take the time to talk to the sons. Often, mothers end up taking on the task of explaining the birds and the bees, there being no help from any males they trust or can rely on to do so correctly. The other option is asking the imam at the masjid or youth group leaders to consider having a programme on this subject done just for the boys, so that neither mother nor sons feel embarrassed in explaining these details that Islam has made compulsory for them to know.

Look to the seerah

Islam did not say that the full responsibility of raising sons lies only on the mother! When we look at the examples from the seerah, we see that even those who were single mothers, whether widowed or divorced, sent their sons to the best of men in their community to learn skills they could not teach their sons. Safiyyah bint Abdul Mutallib (radhiAllahu 'anha) sent her son Zubair Ibn Awwam (radhiAllahu 'anhu) to learn horse-riding, sword fighting and many other skills from the best of men in her tribe. They could have just as easily said that they are too busy to teach another's sons, but yet they took him under their wings and taught him. Similar is the story of Imam as-Shafi'ee; it was his mother that took him to be taught by the great scholars of his time. It was due to these men giving their time and themselves that we get to see what great men these young boys became. When today's fathers complain about their sons having no appreciation for what they have done for them, for their sons not having the 'thinking' skills they had at their ages, then they have no one to blame but themselves.

What mothers can do

At the same time, we as mothers should not mollycoddle our sons or favour them over our daughters. If we want to raise a new generation of men who are closer in their actions to the Prophet (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) and his companions then it is our responsibility to make sure we teach them the skills of life. By this I mean cleaning up after themselves, cooking, sewing/mending their clothes, serving guests, cleaning bathrooms (yes, I mean toilets!) and looking after a household. We, mothers, hold the greatest of tools in our hands to mould the future men, husbands and fathers. We have it in us to try and make sure that we raise our sons to become like the husbands we want our daughters to have, while also pushing them to be the best of examples in Islam. Our sons today have the potential to follow in the footsteps of great leaders like Salahuddin Al-Ayoobi, Abdullah ibn Mubarak, Fudayl ibn Iyad and so many others.

Know that in the end YOU as the mother have the greatest influence on your sons throughout their lives. Just think, would Imam as-Shafi'ee be known as the great scholar without his mother’s guidance and sacrifice? Would Haroon Ar-Rashid have been the great khalifah without his mother and wife beside him? There are so many other examples from the history of Islam that we can point to in regards to the role we as mothers play. You can have the same relationship with them as you do with your daughters. We just need to make our other halves understand this great responsibility as well. For no boy can become great by himself, but needs the guidance of those men he looks up to and respects, while at the same time knowing his mother is there to be his guiding force and support.

Part 2 will provide some practical advice on how fathers, uncles and brothers in the community can take a hands-on role in being the best guides and models for our sons, so we don’t lose them to the greater pulls of society and its deceptions.

UmmZainab Vanker has been involved in grassroots da'wah in Vancouver and Victoria (Canada) for over ten years. She is extremely concerned with family issues, especially regarding young boys and girls in the Muslim community. She is also a mother to four children (a crazy daughter and three teen sons) and a grandmother of one. She continues searching for and struggling to find resources and mentors for them even after moving to a Muslim country.

Is Youthful Marriage for Everyone?

Part 4 of the Youthful Marriage series, written for and published by SISTERS Magazine.

The advantages of youthful marriages are many, and often discussed, but there is another side to it as well. The truth is that youthful marriages face many obstacles, and can be even more difficult to sustain in the face of societal, family, and personal pressures and expectations.

From the beginning, let us be clear: youthful marriages are not for everyone. It requires a great deal of patience and strength of character to maintain a long-term relationship, especially one which begins when both partners are at an emotionally volatile point of their lives. Some individuals are simply not mature enough to handle the challenges and difficulties which young marriages entail. Others have ‘baggage’ which just make marriage difficult for the other party involved, and may even end up damaging the other spouse as well.

Harsh Realities

One purpose of marriage is to protect individuals from zina – so in this sense, yes, it can be successful, even if these marriages end in divorce. Many may consider this to be a harsh way of looking at it, but the reality of life in the West for young Muslims is such that it is literally a choice between halaal and haram – marriage or zina.

Al-Walaa' wa'l Baraa': From Boastful Claims to Sincere Heart-ache for the Sake of Allah

Originally written for IslamicAwakening.com

Today’s impassioned world of catchphrases – Jihad of the sword and the soul; terrorism and freedom fighting; the War on Terror and the War on Islam; sincere scholars of the religion and White-House sell-outs – throw us into a whirlwind of politics, social affairs, religious dictums, and most of all, raging emotions.

There is perhaps no one phrase that encompasses so many of today’s issues, and is so hotly thrown around, than that of Al-Walaa’ and al-Baraa’: Loving and hating for the sake of Allah; or, loyalty and disassociation for the sake of Allah.

Though classical Islamic texts explain in minute detail the nuances of this concept, and thousands of Internet users debate each other on forums and chat rooms, few of us have bothered to study the topic in depth from the correct sources. Fewer yet are those who have both grasped an understanding of the subject, and perhaps more importantly, internalized it.

So many of us make loud claims of loyalty to Allah, His Prophet, His religion, and His sincere slaves... but how many of us look to what really lies in our hearts, and make a conscious effort to dig through the shadowy recesses of our egos, sorting out our false boasting from our true desires?

Al-Walaa’ and al-Baraa’ for the Sake of Allah is not merely dependant upon political or social circumstances. It is not an intellectual exercise or a show of “manliness” as, alas, it has become in the dodgy corners of the cyberworld. In its truest, purest form, al-Walaa’ and al-Baraa’ is an act of emotional sacrifice and spiritual cleansing. The most utter expression of al-walaa’ and al-baraa’ is that which Islam is based upon entirely: the submission of one’s desires, one’s faith, one’s actions, to Allah alone.

Al-Walaa’:

In brief, it is true love and loyalty. Specifically, in the Shar’i context, to Allah and all that which He has commanded us to have love for, loyalty for, and obedience to. Examples are the love for the Messenger of Allah (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), for Islam in its whole and its entirety, and love for fellow Muslims over non-Muslims, purely due to their superiority of faith.

Al-Haafidh al-Hakamee, rahimahullaah, said:

"The signs that a person loves his Lord is: [i] that he gives precedence to what He loves, even if it opposes the person's own desires; [ii] to hate what his Lord hates, even if his own desires incline towards it; [iii] to show sincere love and help (walaa') to those who ally themselves with Allaah and His Messenger; [iv] to show enmity to those who show enmity to Allaah and His Messenger; [v] to follow His Messenger sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam; and [vi] to accept his guidance."

Al-Baraa’:

It is the disassociation from, and rejection of, and turning away completely from that which Allah has declared incorrect, wrong, forbidden, and evil. The first thing which each and every Muslim must have al-Baraa’ from, is shirk, in all its aspects and expression.

"Indeed there is for you an excellent example in the Prophet Ibraaheem and those with him, when they said to their people: Indeed we are free from you and whatever you worship besides Allaah; we have rejected you, and there has arisen between us and you enmity and hatred, until you believe and worship Allaah alone." [Soorah al-Mumtahanah 60:4].

A more detailed definition and explanation of al-walaa’ and al-baraa’ can be found here: The Islaamic Concept of al-Walaa’ and al-Baraa’.

In summary, it can be said that al-Walaa’ and al-Baraa’ is love and hate for the sake of Allah, based upon that which Allah has guided us to and away from in the Qur’an and in the Sunnah of the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam).

Well and good. How now does that have to do with what we said before? How does one attain the status of one who truly loves what Allah has commanded him to love, and to hate that which Allah has commanded him to hate? And what on earth does that have to do with boasting and heartache?

Internalizing al-Walaa’ and al-Baraa’ doesn’t start from watching the news or surfing the Internet and feeling rage at what is happening to Muslims across the world. Certainly, it is a part of it which no one can deny – indeed, we should feel anger and fury at what is being done to our brothers and sisters in Islam. Not to feel such emotions would imply something seriously wrong in your psyche, never mind your faith.

However, if one spends hours online raving against the American government while neglecting to pray his salawaat on time and in Jamaa’ah; if you screech that Britain is a filthy land of disbelievers while having absolutely no intention to ever make hijrah to a Muslim land; if you attempt to expose the “sell-out scholars” when you don’t bother to seek out the true students of knowledge and learn from them... well, you need to get your priorities straightened out, and realize that you’re not expressing al-Walaa’ and al-Baraa’ – you’re just being immature, lazy, and ignorant.

True Walaa’ is to love your fellow Muslim, even the homeless guy who sleeps out at the Masjid, because he believes in Allah, and to treat him the way you treat your non-Muslim boss at work – with respect.

True Baraa’ is to see your dying non-Muslim grandfather, shedding tears for him and praying for his guidance to Islam, then accepting that his death as a non-Muslim means that he will be in the company of the Prophet’s uncle Abu Talib, in Hell.

"Indeed your helper and protecter is none other than Allaah, His Messenger, and the Believers." [Soorah al-Maa'idah 5:55].

True Walaa’ is to see the images of the mangled limbs of children in Chechnya, and to feel as though it is your child lying amidst that corpse-ridden carnage.

True Baraa’ is to see your non-Muslim neighbour, wave to him every morning and mow his lawn when he’s feeling sick, and feel sorrow and anger at his disbelief in Allah.

"If Allaah afflicts you with some harm, there is no one who can remove it except Allaah. And if He desires good for you, there is no one who can repel His favour." [Soorah Yoonus 10:107].

True Walaa’ is when your heart longs for a Muslim society where Islam is the norm, and you sincerely intend to make hijrah, even though you know that Muslim countries are riddled with all sorts of problems.

True Baraa’ is when you love America as the home you were born and brought up in, where you have memories of golden summers and apple pie, yet you cannot stand the kufr it represents and perpetuates.

"So whoever hopes to see his Lord and be rewarded by Him, then let him make his worship correct and make it purely and exclusively for Him; and let him not give any share of it to other than Him." [Soorah al-Kahf 18:110].

True Walaa’ is to support your Muslim brother who has been accused of terrorism by the government, vilified by the media, and slandered by other Muslims... because you place greater faith in the word of a believer than in the vows of the enemies of Islam, even if you may be targeted next.

True Baraa’ is to speak against the corruption, oppression and injustice of a government that is deliberately targeting your faith, while fellow Muslims look on in fear, trusting in Allah even at the risk of being arrested.

"So do not fear them, but fear Me and beware of disobeying Me, if you are true believers." [Soorah Aal-'Imraan 3:175].

True Walaa’ is to give your time and effort for the sake of Allah, attending the weekly dars at the masjid, memorizing the Qur’an daily, mentoring a Muslim youth, and volunteering at the soup kitchen... not trying to assemble home-made explosives in your basement.

True Baraa’ is to shun even your child if he makes statements of kufr, in public or in private, because your love for Allah overcomes the love of your son. That son who kept you up at night as a baby, whose first steps were taken into your arms, whose adolescence you helped guide him through – love for that son cannot compete with the clear commands of Allah, though your heart breaks when you tell him “No.”

"But those who believe are stronger in their love of Allaah." [Soorah al-Baqarah 2:165].

The true Muslim, the one with true loyalty and allegiance to Allah and His Command, the one with complete and utter disassociation and enmity for shirk and kufr in all its forms, is the Muslim who knows and understands the orders and the limits that his religion has placed upon him.

The true Muslim is a firm believer and a good citizen; gentle yet strong; a voice for truth, justice, reason, and above all, Islam.

The true Muslim’s heart aches, breaks, and is sacrificed for the Sake of Allah.

Can you both talk the talk and walk the walk? Will you be that Muslim?

"This day have I perfected your Religion for you, completed My favour upon you, and have chosen Islaam as your Religion." [Soorah al-Maa'idah 5:3].


(Copyright Zainab bint Younus aka AnonyMouse al-Majnoonah)