Our Men's Pain

As much as I rail on about what Muslim women face, I do want to take a moment to say that many of us don't recognize that many Muslim men go through heartache, racism, discrimination, painful marriages & even more painful divorces, and so much more.

Women suffer because of toxic masculinity, but men are the first victims of it - when their own sense of self is battered and broken almost from infancy. There are very few men who are raised to understand and implement true qiwamah - with all the positive attributes of masculinity rather than merely the outward trappings.

Regardless, Muslim men go through so much on a daily basis, in ways that we almost never even think of. Mental health, physical health, self esteem, spirituality, family pressures, struggling to break away from certain types of cultural programming... as women, we are often so focused on the pain that we face constantly, that we don't recognize the pain that our men go through.

And while it is, in a way, socially acceptable for us to air our grievances - at least amongst ourselves - men don't always have that luxury. In so many cases, Muslim men find themselves being reamed out in public and in private, with few places to turn for emotional support - including from their spouses.

And yes, we women complain that our men don't understand & support us emotionally, but we don't realize that while we often have safe spaces to turn to other women & find consolation, our men rarely do. Sometimes, just sometimes, we need to be there for them the way we have others who are there for us.

Allah describes spouses as garments for each other, as those with whom we should find tranquility, & while I (& others) spend an awful lot of time berating men to be that type of spouse, we need to remember that those ayaat apply to us too. Being a supportive wife isn't just about cooking his meals & popping out his kids; it's also about setting aside our own egos and being willing to listen and to comfort and to support. You don't even have to agree with him, but you can certainly make him feel that he isn't on trial from the moment he opens his mouth.

Our men are strong, but they aren't invulnerable. They screw up, but they're not (all) villains. They're (usually) upholding the patriarchy, but they're not always misogynistic. They are human & crave the sweetness of the human experience just as much as we do. Often, they are wounded & hurting far more than we can imagine, & yet take on still more for the sake of their parents, their wives, and their children.

These men are, in many ways, #TrueQawwam even if they are not perfectly so.

#AndNowBackToOurRegularlyScheduledProgramOfTakingDownThePatriarchy

11 Things I Learned from my Now-Husband

When I got my divorce at age 23, I was a thoroughly embittered, cynical woman with a solid sense of suspicion towards (most) Muslim men, the idea of love, and marriage as romanticized by popular culture and sanitized by Muslim literature and lectures.

Then I got married again. And  I was still bitter and cynical and suspicious about men and marriage and love. But I muddled along anyway, doing many incredibly dumb things along the way, and collected a few more life lessons while I was at it.

1- Marriage is Really, Really Hard. And I don’t just mean the fact that I’m in poly and live in another country. I mean the parts where I had to own up to my own emotional baggage and rendered myself a snotty emotional mess and was pretty mean sometimes and then finally had to admit that yes, I can be wrong and in fact often am.

I had to learn how to be mature (okay, still working on this one) and actively work on overcoming insecurities (yet another work in progress) and bad emotional habits. It’s not the domestic bits that are difficult, it’s the very raw and straight up mortifying bits where the other person discovers just how messed up you are. (But then they choose to stick with you anyway, so there is that comfort.)

2- Men are human and have it as rough as we do. I will up front admit that I was an entitled spoiled brat who was convinced that women have life the hardest (okay, I still think we do) and that dudes just better handle whatever is thrown at them because it’s their JOB. Ummm, yeah. About that… men are human. Which means that if you prick them, they will bleed (it is not recommended to test this theory, as stabbing people with pointy objects is haram and illegal). If you are cruel to them, they will feel pain.

Okay but seriously – men, and by ‘men’ I mean legitimately good, sincere, taqwa-exemplifying men who care deeply about their wives and families, not pathetic, immature, usually-misogynistic males – work hard to look after those whom they love. Not just physical work that brings in money, but the emotional work too. They hate to see their loved ones suffer, and will do their best to try and fix the problem… even if it they are hurt too.

Whereas society normalizes female emotion, both positive and negative, we rarely see men being allowed to express themselves in a more vulnerable manner. I don’t mean sniffling at every little perceived slight, but true expressions of deep emotion, such as heartache, sorrow, helplessness, and emotional pain.

So many of our men mask their aching hearts in order to be strong and supportive to those around them – even as they are in need of the same support. Sometimes we women need to get over ourselves and realize that men need the same love and care that they provide for us. Prophet Muhammad (Peace and blessings be upon him) and his wives illustrates how even the greatest man on earth sought comfort in his spouses – whether it was Khadijah (May Allah be pleased with her) reassuring him after his first interaction with the angel Jibreel (‘alayhissalaam), or Umm Salamah (May Allah be pleased with her) understanding his frustration at Hudabiyah, and consoling him with her suggestions.

3- Differences of opinion are okay. This was a huge one for me – in my previous marriage, differences of opinion were definitely *not* okay. This husband, however, is a fascinating specimen. While I’d already decided that this time, I was not going to be a doormat and let myself be silenced, I wondered uneasily if expressing my dissent was a bad idea.

At first, I was anxious – would voicing my disagreement lead to greater emotional conflict? Would a debate on feminism lead to a far more unpleasant argument with drastic domestic consequences? Imagine my shock, then, when I discovered that it is indeed possible for a Muslim husband to have a rousing volley of back-and-forth that didn’t result in the nushooz-card being waved about angrily in the end. A marriage in which a husband and wife can having vocal disagreement on a variety of topics without damaging their personal relationship is a marriage built upon security.

In fact, one of the most famous marriages in our Islamic history – that of A’ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) and Prophet Muhammad (Peace and blessings be upon him) – was full of stories in which they used to have many enthusiastic exchanges… and not always in agreement. Yet despite their numerous debates and disagreements, their love remained strong.

4- Like a person before loving them. Love is a tricky, messy, complicated thing. Love screws you up sometimes. People fall in and out of love all the time. But liking someone… ahhh, there’s the secret. I was pretty sure I liked my husband before I married him – he was calm, level-headed, ethical, principled, intelligent, with a sense of humor and overall good character that appealed to me – but the part that really shocked me was when I realized how much I really liked him.

It’s the kind of like you have for a best friend, whom you’re eager to talk to and whose company you enjoy, whether doing things together or separately. It’s the kind of like where you could be mad at them and ignore them or fight with them, but you already miss them and you just want it over with so that you can tell them about the new exciting thing you just saw. So while I did love him, and continue to increase in that love, it’s the like part that makes things so much better when the love part really just pisses you off sometimes and has you stupidly crying into a pillow and sharing melodramatic quotes on Facebook.

5- There’s more than one kind of marriage, and one isn’t necessarily better than the other. This one might be more long-distance/ polygamy related, but it’s still an important lesson. We plan, and Allah plans, and Allah is the Best of Planners. Initially, our plan wasn’t to live in separate households or even countries… but that’s what happened.

One of the many fears I grappled with was the idea that my marriage didn’t count enough, or wasn’t serious enough, or wasn’t good enough, in comparison to one where the husband and wife are together and/or monogamous. Not having a great relationship track record didn’t help, either. A couple years later, I still have my off days, but I’ve come to recognize that my marriage is a real marriage, and is just as legitimate as anyone else’s. I love my husband, and though our marital arrangements may not be the norm, I take our relationship very seriously.

It is easy for some people to write off non-monogamous marriages as not being “real” enough, but this flies contrary to the Sunnah itself. The Prophet’s polygamous marriages to his wives after Khadijah (May Allah be pleased with her) were just as valid as his monogamous marriage to her.

While some people try to dismiss his polygamous marriages as simply being relationships of political advantage, to do so is to imply that he (PBUH) did not have genuine personal feelings of love and care for them, and that he was – in essence – using them for his own advantage. Yet when one looks at how he interacted with them, his love for them (and their love for him) is clear. Thus, regardless of how others consider polygamy, it is important to acknowledge that for those who have chosen it for themselves, their marriages are deserving of respect.

6- Be a secure person in order to have a secure relationship. As cliche as this may sound, it’s true. Sadly, Muslims tend to be really bad at being healthy individuals. Many of us are taught from childhood to be extremely dependent on others around us – whether parents or spouses. Few of us learn early on what it means to be secure in one’s own sense of self.

For myself, an additional blessing of a long distance relationship is that I was provided with the opportunity to really establish myself as myself. I’d grown up pretty sheltered, and was relatively young when I’d first gotten married. Seeking the other party’s constant approval was a destructive characteristic of that relationship, and the consequences of disapproval were high. This time, though, I was forced to face myself head-on, to live on my own and be responsible for much of my own emotional well-being. Moving away from my previous habits of emotional dependency was jarring, but incredible – I no longer hinge my complete happiness and mental presence on another person’s moods.

Instead of feeling tied to someone out of obligation or emotional coercion, the feeling of wanting to be with that person is far more pleasurable, and leads to feeling stronger in that relationship. Being secure, and not emotionally dependent (which isn’t romantic btw, it’s just depressing), makes it much easier to resolve conflicts and to enjoy the good times.

7- Get over yourself. Seriously, just get over yourself. We all like to think that we’re better people than we actually are, that our flaws aren’t as bad as others’ shortcomings are, but we’re not. We suck as much as the other person does. It’s just a matter of admitting and acknowledging what our faults are, and managing them instead of denying them or trying to play the victim.

Before making it about you vs. your spouse, remember that it’s about you vs. your scale of deeds on the Day of Judgment. Don’t act like you’re just humoring the other person when you apologize for something awful that you said or did; know that Allah is fully aware of your sincerity, and seek to rectify yourself for His Sake before anyone else’s. Don’t go to the other extreme either, and wallow in self pity bemoaning how terrible you are. Just… get over yourself. We all have faults, and you are no exception. The real issue at hand is what you’re going to do about it.
8- Being supportive doesn’t mean never disagreeing. Many of us have fallen for the pseudo-romantic “advice” that to be a supportive partner means to never offer criticism or objection – no matter how constructive your feedback may be. That’s not being supportive, that’s being a simpering sycophant.

While initially very defensive about receiving criticism, I realized that it wasn’t doing me any good to only hear praise – neither my behavior nor my work would improve. Instead, I’ve come to appreciate when my husband points out just how idiotic I’ve been acting, or when my argument has gaping holes. He’s never stopped me from doing what I care about, and done everything possible to support me in what I love – but he’ll also point out where exactly I’m in danger of doing something really stupid.

As annoyed as I might be in the moment (it sucks being wrong), at the end of the day, I know that he isn’t trying to sabotage me – he really wants me to do well, and to do what is right. Of course, it doesn’t mean that he’s always right, either – but when he is, I’ll try swallow my pride and take him seriously. And try not to be mad at him. (Usually.)

Don’t be a Stepford spouse – be someone who sincerely wants the best for your spouse,     even if it means pointing out when they’re doing something epically stupid. Remember – adDeen anNaseeha (Religion is advice).

9- “The Ideal Muslim Marriage” doesn’t exist. All those articles and lectures about wives babying men or husbands putting up with women because you can’t live with’em, you can’t live without’em is nonsense. The model that we’re provided with is, to be frank, pretty weird and unhealthy, encouraging emotional dependence and engendering a lack of genuine respect for each other.

The ideal Muslim marriage isn’t about playing a certain domestic role in a specific way (and being guilted into it with a significant amount of spiritual blackmail). It’s about having the right priorities – both spiritually and with regards to your personal relationship. It’s about genuinely caring for each other’s well-being, respecting each other even in times of conflict, and truly enjoying being with each other.

Life will suck sometimes – perhaps even often – and there will be many unpleasant moments along the way, but it’s one’s sense of taqwa and compassion for the other person that will get you through it and remember that it’s all worth it. Don’t be a good husband or wife because that’s what you’re “supposed” to do – be a good spouse because you care for them, and want the best for them in this world and the Hereafter.

Even prophet Muhammad’s marriages were not “ideal” in the sense that his wives were not all identical, cookie-cutter women – they all had very different personalities, they experienced conflict with him, but they also loved him deeply. They interacted in a manner that was sincere, that reflected themselves as individuals, and yet with the constant awareness of their personal accountability to Allah.

10- True Qawwam Do Exist. It is painfully easy to see the many, many examples of Muslim men doing it wrong – men who are neglectful, weak, abusive, irresponsible, lacking in character, selfish, and immature. Yet despite how many bad examples there are of Muslim men, there are still those who seek to uphold the Sunnah by being true qawwam: men who embody the values of honour, dignity, responsibility, mercy, justice, and sincere love for both their families and the Ummah at large.

These men are the ones who strive to fulfill their wives’ rights before demanding their own; who understand the severity of responsibility that has been placed upon their shoulders; who know that being a Muslim man is not simply about being a financial breadwinner, but a loving husband and father, engaged with his wife and children. These are the men who do not recoil at the idea of marrying widows or divorcees, or raising children who do not share their DNA; these are the men who do not place their egos or their culture above the commands of Allah, but make an effort to overcome their own inclinations for the Sake of Allah’s Pleasure.

These men are not perfect – they make their own mistakes, they struggle with their own shortcomings, and honestly, they can mess up as well as the next person – but what sets them apart from the majority of mediocre males is that they never stop trying to do better and be better… as Muslims, as husbands, as fathers. True qawwaam are rare, but not extinct – and to have one in my life is a blessing to be treasured.

11- Love. It’s Real. It… really is. It’s more than a little terrifying, especially when one tries to maintain a certain level of skepticism for safety reasons. But it’s also giddy, and fun, and awesome, and worth all the hard stuff and messy bits. Happily ever afters might actually exist, just not the way that we’ve been indoctrinated into believing. Instead of the usual nausea-inducing cliches surrounding romance (or the opposite extreme – that it doesn’t exist), love manifests in so many other ways – with an inside joke, or a gift that doesn’t make sense to anyone else but you two, or knowing how to end a fight the right way.

It’s the small silly things and the big dramatic things and all the mundane things in between. How do you know it’s real? When thinking of your future with them is not accompanied by a sense of impending doom and misery. And you’re kinda (really) excited about it.

Silly as this all may seem, and perhaps in contradiction to much of the marriage advice peddled by Muslim writers and teachers, these are nonetheless some of the most solid relationship lessons I have derived through experience. Contrasting my previous experience with my current one has been interesting, with sometimes unexpected results (like the whole falling in love thing…woah). And so here I am, slightly less bitter and slightly less cynical and slightly more practical and wiser (I hope).

May Allah grant us all the (somewhat disconcerting and pleasantly surprising) experience of a blessed marriage to a true qawwam, ameen.

The Strongest of Fathers

I once saw an ad for Whirlpool dishwashers that was actually really awesome because it focused on involved fathers. It showed a man playing with his son, providing a meal for him, caring for him when he got hurt, and cleaning up after him. Not once did the advert switch over to a mother completing any of those tasks - the father's relationship with his son was demonstrated as being something that existed outside of a female figure's presence.

It made me reflect on how little we focus on RasulAllah as a father figure - to Zaid ibn Harith, Ali ibn Abi Talib, Zaynab bint Abi Salamah... imagine what kind of parent-like figure he must have been to inspire Zaid to refuse to go back to his own family; imagine how Zaynab bint Abi Salamah felt, knowing him as the only father in her life, being so beloved to him that he would spend time with her even though other Sahabah were waiting for him to come out and teach them.

He raised Fatimah (ra) for some time almost as a single father, and their bond was unbreakable, testified to by A'ishah (ra) herself. RasulAllah was, even before Nubuwwa, the best example for this Ummah - a model of what it means to be an involved, invested, present father.

If people want to obsess about masculinity, then look to RasulAllah first & foremost - he exemplified what it meant to be a real man. He was unshakeable in battle & firm in principle, but he was also gentle and softhearted, who never once found it emasculating to weep in public, to cradle children, to declare his love for his wife by name, to serve his family without resentment or anger.

He was a man who supplicated for the woman who fought in battle at Uhud, throwing her body in front of his to protect him - his masculinity was not so fragile that he considered her a threat to the concept of the male warrior; when A'ishah raised her voice to him, he did not accuse her of being unwifely or disrespectful. In turn, he inspired love beyond measure; the men & women around him drew strength from his strength, inspiration from his vulnerability and humanity. His masculinity was unquestionable, & the respect even his enemies had for him was due to his justice.
!صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم

His Companions followed in his footsteps: men like Abu Bakr, Umar, Uthman & Ali weren't surrounded by silent women, nor did they feel threatened by women who expressed themselves. Rather, Abu Bakr married a woman like Asmaa' bint Umays, who got angry at Umar and took him to RasulAllah to settle their dispute; Umar raised a woman like Hafsah, who had no fear of debate.

These men and women were confident enough about themselves that they didn't consider every dispute or disagreement to mean a gender war. They knew better than anyone what qiwamah meant; they lived it.

The presence of women on the battlefield did not make the men any lesser men; the presence of men in the homes, kissing their children, did not make them any lesser men. The strength of women did not negate the strength of men, but was appreciated and considered a complement, a necessary component for society's function and betterment.

These men and women had something we have little of today: respect for each other, appreciation for each other's strengths - whether stereotypically feminine, masculine or otherwise - an understanding of each other's weaknesses, and the willingness to engage with each other even when there was strong disagreement.

Above all, they knew the true meaning of the Divine Words:
{The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those - Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.} (Quran 9:71)

Gheerah & Qawaamah - Between Misogyny and Ihsaan

'Gheerah' and 'qawaamah' are two terms which elicit a variety of reactions - on one extreme, they're used to browbeat women into complete silence and diminish their own self-worth, and on the other, they are derided as being misogynistic and antithetical to all women with self-respect.

The issue, however, is less that of the actual concepts of gheerah (honourable protectiveness) and qawaamah (committed responsibility based on justice) than how they've been co-opted, misinterpreted, and abused - and, even amongst those who have not used them to abuse, there has been poor communication and explanation of those terms.

While I have discussed each term in detail and in separate articles, I did want to emphasize that what we don't seem to understand is that within an Islamic context, both gheerah and qawaamah are meant to facilitate stronger, happier, and healthier marriages.

When gheerah is displayed by a man for his wife, it shouldn't be done in a controlling, irrational manner that has nothing behind it except a negative type of possessiveness. Men and women both have preferences for their spouses - and instead of viewing it as a competition for control, it should be seen as a sign of love, care, and concern for each other.

Rather than 'laying the smackdown,' if a man cares about his marriage, he should actually communicate with his wife *why* he has certain preferences and requests. Even if she doesn't agree with them, the very act of communication and discussion (assuming that, too, is done healthily) will engender positivity and an appreciation for the concern being displayed.
Men should also keep in mind that just as they make requests of their wives, they ought to respect their wives' requests of them - as Abdullah ibn 'Abbas (radhiAllahu 'anhu) said, "I love to do for my wife as I expect her to do for me."

When qawaamah is correctly implemented as well (and I shall forbear from using analogies such as 'CEO of the household' or going into detail over my own specialized theory about it......... ahem), and when a man has sincere intentions to *not* abuse his power, it is highly unlikely that a woman would become resentful.
To the contrary, a competent qawwaam is the type of man who earns respect from those around him - a man who does not flaunt his authority, but ensures that his wife knows that she is respected in turn and considered to be a meaningful partner in their relationship and their household.

The concepts of gheerah and qawaamah are not something we should be ashamed about, but something we *do* need to be aware about and implement correctly.

I for one understand all too well why and how many women have an averse reaction to the very idea of these words - the Muslim Ummah has far too many brutal examples of the abuse committed in the names of gheerah and qawaamah.

Unfortunately, too many people of knowledge and authority have also remained silent in the face of this abuse and done little to alleviate it, choosing to place greater importance on the authority of irresponsible, oppressive men than on the need to enforce 'adl (justice) in the Ummah.

One cannot throw around words like qawaamah and gheerah without linking them to, and emphasizing, the need for Ihsaan that comes with them. We cannot have lectures about 'the ideal Islamic marriage' and tell women to accept the unconditional authority of men without first addressing the men themselves - ingraining in them the severity of what the position of qawaamah entails, and the brutal consequences in the Aakhirah for abusing it.

The Qur'an speaks about marriage in positive terms - why else would words such as 'mawaddah' and 'rahmah' be used? - and we cannot isolate related terms and concepts from the holistic approach that was embodied in the life of RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam).

Allah wishes only good for us - He wants our relationships with each other to be based on love for Him, and compassion with each other - and only by understanding these types of ideas in such a light will we be able to move forward from shallow, one-dimensional, and frankly dangerous interpretations and towards something which exemplifies the spirit of Islam.

Qawaamah: The Essence of Masculinity

Originally published in Al-Jumu'ah Magazine (click here)

AMONG THE SEVERAL âyât that are considered points of contention amongst Muslims and non-Muslims alike, one stands out in particular:

Al-rijâlu qawwâmûna ʿala al-nisâ’i… [Sûrat Al-Nisâ’, 4:34] [1]

Commonly translated as ‘men have a degree over them’ or ‘men are in charge over them,’ this verse is often quoted when discussing the social and domestic duties and responsibilities of each gender. While it is used to establish male authority, it is also unfortunately misused to discourage women from speaking out or seeking an end to family disputes or even abuse.

There are numerous arguments that seek to define or describe the position of a qawwâm. What, truly, is the ‘degree’ that men are given by Allah Himself?

How We Proceed

First and foremost, before looking at the specific âyah, we must establish the foundation upon which we address any issue. We can never start any discussion about the Quran without the understanding that it is complete and perfect, without fault. The Quran is a gift from Allah to all of humanity, for all time; each and every verse is a blessing, and a source of great knowledge and wisdom, the depths of which will never truly be known completely by any one individual:

This is the Book about which there is no doubt, a guidance for those conscious of Allah.  [Sûrat Al-Baqarah, 2:2]

And if whatever trees upon the earth were pens and the sea [were ink], replenished thereafter by seven [more] seas, the words of Allah would not be exhausted. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.  [Sûrat Al-Luqmân, 31:27]

The words of Allah are not to be questioned in terms of their validity – whatever has been sent down in the Quran has been truly preserved with absolute perfection:

Indeed, it is We who sent down the Quran and indeed, We will be its guardian. [Sûrat Al- Ḥijr, 15:9]

With regards to how these Divine Verses are interpreted, however, it is much more than simply taking the words of Allah and making them mean whatever we wish them to say. Whenever we find Muslims committing sins or mistakes and then trying to justify them by using the Quran or Sunnah, we must know that the fault is never with the Words of Allah or His Messenger œ. Rather, the fault lies with fallible human beings who have both good and bad intentions, and who are influenced by their own time and culture.

Rather, there is a very systematic method that has been used since the time of the Messenger Muhammad œ himself. The process begins with the tafsîr of the Quran by the Quran itself, tafsîr of the Quran by the aḥâdîth of RasûlAllâh œ, tafsîr of the Quran by the Âthâr (sayings of the Companions), and tafsîr of the Quran by linguistics.[2]

The scope of this article will be limited to reviewing the linguistic meanings of the word, and taking a brief look at extant tafâsîr regarding the verse.

Q – W – M

From a literary perspective, the word qawwâm is rich with meaning, both literal and figurative. As ʿÂishah described, it was truly lived according to its full potential by the Messenger of Allah œ, whose character was the living embodiment of the Quran.

The root letters of the word Qawwâm derive from qâf, wâw, mîm – related to Allah’s Name, Al-Qayyûm. It’s also related to the word ‘qâma’ – to stand. When ‘qâmu’ is used in the Quran, such as in Surat Al-Kahf, there is a figurative meaning to it as well; mufâssirîn have said that it means to have a strong and firm intention, to have an unshakeable commitment. [3]

Thus, when men are described as ‘qawwâm’ towards women, it is an expression of how firmly committed and dedicated they are. Shaykh Al-Sha’rawi mentioned that the qawwâm of men with women is not limited to husbands with their wives, but rather, with all men towards all women.

The most obvious examples begin at home, such as fathers with their daughters, brothers with their sisters, and even sons with their mothers. In a more general context, it is that men are expected to deal with women in a truly sincere and dedicated manner, by looking out for their best interests, interacting with them regularly, and striving to protect them and assist them.

‘Qawwâm‘ projects an attitude of nobility and dignity towards women, one which respects them as fully capable human beings. This type of mentality both emphasizes and encourages healthy social relationships that begin at home and extend to the public sphere, thus ensuring a community that cooperates on a basis of goodwill.

Another figurative meaning of the word is exemplified in the form, qâ’imah:  to be persistent; thus, the commitment of men towards women is not an occasional thing, but a regular pattern. A father’s interest in his daughter is not momentary, but consistent on a daily basis. He is truly concerned with her well-being, is involved in her upbringing, and is a source of support and happiness for her. A son does not take his mother for granted, but is attentive towards her and sensitive to her needs. A husband is attuned to his wife, understands her personality and what she goes through on a daily basis, behaves with her in a manner that embodies both honor and respect, and connects with her regularly so as to grant her satisfaction and fulfillment in their marriage.

Masculine Commitment Exemplified

This commitment and persistence is not only emotional, but one that has another goal – that of encouraging and upholding justice, and correcting an individual who may stray from appropriate speech or behavior. A qawwâm is aware of that which is both pleasing and displeasing to Allah, and is both quick and wise in how he advises and rectifies those under his care.

The best example of how a man can advise a woman is the example of RasûlAllâh œ with his wives. There were several incidents during which RasûlAllâh œ reprimanded his wives for speaking in a manner that he did not approve of. Though his approach was firm, it carried weight—not due to harshness, but due to the fact that he was already loved and respected by them because of how he conducted himself with them on a regular basis. In fact, the very way in which he would correct their behavior was such that it engendered even greater affection and awe for his character.

For example, ʿÂisha narrates the following:

A group of Jews entered upon the Prophet œ and said: “Al-Sâmu ʿAlaikum,” (i.e. death be upon you). I understood it and said: “Wa ʿAlaikum Al-Sâmu w’l-laʿn (death and the curse of Allah be upon you).” Allah’s Messenger œ said: “Be calm, O ʿÂisha! Allah loves that one should be kind and lenient in all matters.” I said: “O Allah’s Messenger œ! Haven’t you heard what they (the Jews) have said?” He said: “I have (already) said (to them): “And upon you!” [4]

Also:

[The Prophet’s wife] Ṣafiyya heard that Ḥafṣa [Ṣafiyya’s co-wife] had said [about her]: ‘The daughter of a Jew'; so she wept. Then the Prophet œ entered upon her while she was crying, so he said: ‘What makes you cry?’ She said: ‘Ḥafṣa said to me that I am ‘the daughter of a Jew.’ So the Prophet œ said: ‘And you are the daughter of a Prophet, and your uncle is a Prophet, and you are married to a Prophet, so what is she boasting to you about?’ Then he said: ‘Fear Allah, O Ḥafṣa.'”  [5]

Interplay With Emotion

Yet another facet of the word qawwâm is that it overlaps in meaning with the word thabât – steadfastness, to be reliable, to be calm and not easily swayed or agitated. In this particular meaning is a great deal of wealth to be reaped, for it is this meaning which, if embodied fully, raises men to be truly excellent in their roles as qawwâm.

To be qawwâm is to make a conscious effort to put aside strong, passionate emotion, to step back and behave in a manner that reflects maturity and wisdom. Instead of allowing himself to be overwhelmed by his feelings – whether positive or negative – a man who epitomizes thabât is one who acts in a way that doesn’t automatically incline towards his own desires or wants, but in accord with justice. As mentioned in several tafâsîr, including Tafsîr Kashf Al-Asrâr and Tafsîr Al-Qushairi, men were given the position of qawwâm specifically because they are considered to be capable of that level of responsible behavior.

Tafsîr Al-Qushairi says:

[Allah] singled out men for strength and then increased their burden, for burden is [assigned] in accordance with strength. [6]

Tafsîr Kashf Al-Asrâr elaborates further:

He [Allah] gave the men more than the women because the burden is all on them, for theirs is the perfection of strength and the eminence of aspiration. They carry burdens measurable to [their] strength or measurable to [their] aspiration…Resolutions are made measurable to the folk of resoluteness.[7]

For example, one of the reasons that men were given the power of ṭalâq was because they are expected to be mature enough not to abuse the power.

Misuse of Responsibility

Unfortunately today, we see much the opposite – where some men allow their emotions to overwhelm and control them, such that they declare divorce (ṭalâq) over petty matters, and then try to avoid the consequences by claiming that they weren’t ‘in their right minds.’

In many other common cases, men will indulge in abusing their womenfolk, whether verbally and physically or by violating their Sharʿi-rights, and claim justification because they are qawwâm and believe that they are allowed to do whatever they see fit. Too many men believe that their power is unrestricted and that they are given license to privileges without any accompanying responsibility.

In short, the position of qawwâm has been warped into a twisted sense of male entitlement devoid of consequences or obligation to others.

More coming in Qawâma: the Essence of Masculinity (2), inshâ’Allah.

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[1] http://quran.com/4/34

[2] Usool al-Tafseer by Dr. Abu Aminah Bilal Philips, pages 19-23

[3] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyC_9B6L8L8

[4] http://sunnah.com/tirmidhi/42/14

[5] http://sunnah.com/urn/637820

[6]http://main.altafsir.com/Tafasir.asp?tMadhNo=0&tTafsirNo=108&tSoraNo=4&tAyahNo=34&tDisplay=yes&UserProfile=0&LanguageId=2

[7]http://main.altafsir.com/Tafasir.asp?tMadhNo=0&tTafsirNo=109&tSoraNo=4&tAyahNo=34&tDisplay=yes&UserProfile=0&LanguageId=2



http://aljumuah.com/qawama-the-essence-of-masculinity-part-1/