The Almost-Polygynous Woman's Checklist, Part 2

DESPITE THE NEGATIVE perception of polygyny that is widespread amongst Muslims and non-Muslims alike, more and more Muslims – including women – are actively pursuing polygynous marriages. The reasons behind this are varied:

• For some women, their status as divorcees or single mothers marks them in the community as less eligible for a monogamous husband.
• Others may be older women who have not been previously married, whether out of choice or otherwise, and who do not feel the need for a ‘full time’ husband.
• Still others may be younger without any children or past marriages, but simply see polygyny as a viable option that they are comfortable with.

Regardless of their personal reasons for entering polygyny, there still remains a dearth of advice geared towards women seeking this option. While Part 1 mentioned points related to what a woman should be aware of when first considering polygyny or speaking to a prospective husband, Part 2 focuses on addressing commonly occurring patterns observed amongst some polygynous women.

1. Drop the Attitude. Unfortunately, there are numerous woman who intend on entering polygyny, yet hold negative and even aggressive attitudes from the get-go.

• “It’s my right to marry a married man,” some say, sounding an awful lot like married men who insist on their right to marry other wives (regardless of their circumstances).
• “I don’t need her permission to marry him!” others cry, deriding the first wife. “Why should I care how she feels? It’s my life and I’m not doing anything haram.”
• Even worse are those who enter polygyny with the intention of causing the man to divorce his first wife so that she (the second) can have him all to herself.Such mentalities completely lack compassion and consideration, which are basic traits that every true Muslim should have. If someone is determined to enter into a polygynous marriage, they must also remember that Allah loves the muḥsinîn – those who strive to live their lives according to a standard of excellence, knowing that even if they cannot see Allah, He sees them.A woman who is about to enter poly should be acutely aware that her upcoming marriage is not just about herself and her husband-to-be: another woman’s life will be drastically changed and impacted by this new relationship. The advent of, and commitment to, polygyny has serious effects on the first marriage; both the husband and the first wife will be going through a great deal of emotional change, as individuals and as a couple. The first wife in particular will experience great difficulty, especially if she is not 100% happy with the idea of polygyny in the first place.Ideally, polygyny should not be something that any woman is coerced or forced into; it should be something entered into with the consent of all parties involved. Many argue that it is not an Islamic requirement for the first wife to know or for her permission to be given, but it is an Islamic requirement that the husband be just with his wives – and how can he really be just between them if he is engaged in deception and emotionally harming at least one of them?Too many Muslims live their lives according to whether something is their Islamic ‘right’ or not; too few Muslims live their lives according to a higher standard of iḥsân(excellence), dealing with others in a manner that displays greatness of adab (manners) and akhlâq (character).

2. Be Committed. Usually it is assumed that men are those who enter polygyny without being completely committed – that is, having an attitude of “We’ll see how this goes,” sometimes with the effect of ending the second marriage quickly when the pressure from his first wife, or other factors, get to be too much for him to handle.The idea that the first wife is the only one to whom he should really be committed to is unfortunately bolstered by certain scholarly comments, including the statement that the first wife is the one who fulfills the Sunnah, whereas others are merely considered to be merely accumulations of the Dunya (material world).However, things have changed somewhat in that this attitude is no longer limited to men alone. There are now women who are also adopting this attitude – that polygynous marriage is not as serious as monogamy, that they can just ‘try it out’ and if it doesn’t work the way they want it to, then they can leave it behind without much thought.What is completely disregarded is that polygyny isn’t just about one person – it impacts, at minimum, two other people; namely, the husband and the first wife. If there are children involved, they too will be affected. Choosing to walk out on a polygynous marriage almost as soon as one has entered into it displays a complete lack of consideration for the others involved.What few think about is how polygyny has affected the first marriage, before, during, and after the second marriage has taken place. The husband as well as the wife go through emotional changes that have long-lasting consequences – even and especially in the case of a man who has made the effort to undertake polygyny in the best and most honorable manner possible.
   The first wife, even if she has no serious objection to her husband remarrying, will still experience some degree of emotional turmoil. That is only natural. The husband himself will find himself struggling to process emotions that he has never had to go through before, in addition to the adjustment of establishing a relationship with the second wife.
   Women who take polygyny lightly and don’t view a polygynous marriage as a relationship deserving of utmost commitment, need a reality check. Marriage, whether monogamous or polygynous, is a serious undertaking. Leaving a polygynous marriage abruptly without thinking about the effects it will have on others, is quite frankly selfish. (Note: This does not apply in cases of abuse.)
   Thus, any woman thinking about polygyny should first take a good, hard look at her intentions: Are you ready to view this relationship as being just as serious and deserving of commitment –in every way– as a monogamous marriage is? Are you ready to be understanding of the fact that polygyny is something that affects others besides yourself, and to behave accordingly, even (and especially) during difficult times?
   If not, then perhaps polygyny is not for you.

3. A Co-Wife Contract. The relationship between co-wives is often the butt of various polygynous jokes. It is often solely defined in the light of jealousy, anger, and overwhelming negativity, with the first wife being characterized as high-strung and overly-emotional, and the second wife as being malicious and determined to ‘win’ the rivalry.More and more, though, there are women who no longer want to play these ill-fated roles; increasingly, women are considering the radical idea that co-wives can have a positive relationship with each other, as friends and genuine sisters in Islam rather than despising each other’s existence.Of course, there are also those who prefer to maintain a certain level of distance rather than become best friends overnight, and that’s okay. Not every woman will have the same constructive feelings towards her co-wife, and that should be recognized and respected.Nonetheless, it is still important to discuss and lay out the ways in which co-wives can establish and maintain a relationship of positivity. While one would think that things like being kind to each other and not harming each other are obvious points that are founded in the basics of Islam, it’s unfortunate that not everyone thinks things through clearly when it comes to polygyny.Hence the idea of a co-wife contract. A contract between a husband and wife is known to be a part of any Islamic marriage, but what about considering a contract between co-wives? Technically, Islam permits contracts –agreements– between parties for almost any reason (so long as it does not involve anything ḥarâm), and further, considers the honoring of contracts to be a very serious matter.

• The benefits of a co-wife contract would lie not only in the terms laid out, but especially in opening up the conversation between co-wives. All too often, husbands try to keep their wives apart with the mistaken assumption that distance will make things easier for them, rather than making it more difficult.The truth is that not letting the women meet and speak with each other actually gives more room for fitnah – both women will find themselves wondering what the other woman is like, how beautiful she is, what her personality is like that makes her so ‘special’ that their husband chose to marry her (or remain married to her), and so on.

• Another benefit to meeting and composing a contract between co-wives is so that they –and their husband– can discuss their ‘poly vision.’ That is, how do they want their polygynous lifestyle to be set up? What will their system be – how many days will the husband spend with each of them, which days will go to whom? Where will they live, what is the greatest distance they are able to manage, and how will it affect the husband’s time with each wife? Will they visit each other regularly, or not at all? How will they handle conflict? Will the children from either woman have a relationship with the other, and if so, how will that relationship be nurtured?
• Most important is laying out the absolute fundamentals of how they will treat each other: to remember and acknowledge that they are sisters in Islam who love for each other what they love for themselves. There should be a point of pledging to honor and respect each other; to have goodwill towards the other woman and her marriage to their husband; never to use their own marriage against the other’s, to cause ill feelings, or to behave maliciously with each other. They should recognize each other as part of the same family, and treat each other accordingly.

Being able to articulate these points makes it much easier to process the emotional and life changes that polygyny inevitably causes, and to flesh out a healthy co-wife relationship.

Having a co-wife contract also adds a dimension of seriousness to the discussion. Pledging to commit to the ideas and goals expressed within it results in all parties involved being held accountable not only to each other, but directly to Allah: an oath that one will have to face consequences for if broken.

Though I’ve referred to it as a ‘co-wife contract,’ this does not mean that the husband has no part in it. The husband should also be included –and wives who are concerned about things like finances or serial re-marriage can include conditions such as ensuring access to bank accounts or stipulating that in the event of divorce, the husband should wait a full year before considering polygyny again.

In the end, the main goal is to facilitate communication and honest discussion between co-wives and their shared husband, and an Islamically recognized safeguard against possible (and sadly common) misuses and abuses of polygyny.

These, then, are some of the most necessary pieces of advice for women who are thinking of entering polygyny as second or subsequent wives –according to my own observations and experience, that is. My hope is that rather than relying upon stereotypes and clichés, and rather than being negatively influenced by the many sad stories of polygyny gone wrong, Muslims can finally have access to resources that promote a healthier polygynous model and lifestyle.

Polygyny was made permissible by Allah for a reason, and while it has been misused by far too many people for far too long, there are also many great benefits that it has to offer to women as well as men.

May Allah guide us all to living according to a standard of ethics and behavior that is pleasing to Him, and grant us success and happiness in our marriages and families. Âmîn.

Innocence Lost: Child Sexal Abuse

 
Originally published at OnIslam.net 

An innocent sleepover with family members. An older cousin, an uncle, or a brother and his friends. Darkness, and hands clapped over a mouth to silence the screams, while they push themselves roughly against an unwilling victim.

Or maybe:

An older teacher, paying too much attention. Beckoning a young student to sit on his lap, giving them a treat, whispering threats in one ear to make the student promise to never, ever tell… or else.

And sometimes even:

A friend, a girl with charisma and energy, giggling about ‘learning something new.’ Ignoring protests, insistently, unwelcome hands touching without permission.

These are all examples of sexual violence – a crime that exists in all countries and societies, regardless of race, culture, class, or religion.

In Canada, one in every seventeen woman is raped at some point of her life; every 17 minutes, a woman is raped; 80% of assaults take place in the victim’s home; and one in four girls, and one in eight boys, are sexually abused by the time they turn eighteen.

In England, 85,000 women are raped on average every year; and 400, 000 women are sexually assaulted every year. One in 20 children have been sexually abused, and over 90% of them were abused by someone they knew.

Muslims are far from immune to crimes of sexual violence. The statistics are equally horrifying, if not worse because the number of reports tend to be much lower due to social stigma and lack of trust and access to the authorities.

In Pakistan, nearly 3,000 cases of child sexual abuse were reported in 2013; 40% of abusers were relatives, family friends, or acquaintances; and the most vulnerable age to abuse for both boys and girls was between 11 and 15.
In Egypt, 83% of Egyptian women reported experiencing sexual harassment at least once while half of them experienced it on a daily basis.

Despite these statistics – and numerous horrific anecdotes – sexual violence is an issue that Muslims all over the world still prefer to remain silent about. The stigma regarding sex, which may once have originated out of the Islamic concept of hayaa’ (modesty), has become a disease in and of itself, one that simply perpetuates un-Islamic beliefs and allows these filthy crimes to continue taking place on a daily basis.

An upcoming documentary, “Breaking Silence,” bravely confronts the deep-rooted cancer of sexual violence and particularly sexual abuse of children that exists in many, many Muslim families and communities.

As illustrated by the stories of four Muslim women who were sexually violated as children by those whom they trusted – whether family members or friends – even parents who are aware of the abuse often turn a blind eye or accuse their children of lying rather than admit the truth.

One major reason for the twisted attitudes existing regarding sexual violence amongst Muslims is an ignorance and lack of education about what Islam truly teaches about sex, including the difference between consensual sexual activity and sexual violence (whether against adults or children).

Despite the fact that the Shari’ah discusses and encourages a holistic sexual education from a young age, many Muslims prefer to follow deviant notions of ‘honor’ and ‘shame.’ The true shame and dishonor lies not in admitting that sexual violence takes place, but in allowing them to continue rather than to educate oneself, one’s children, and the entire community about Islamic values regarding sex.
Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and his Companions were very honest and open about sexual education, even with regards to children.

'Abd al-Rahman ibn al-Aswad narrates:
"My father used to send me to A'ishah and (as a child) I used to go to her (i.e. beyond the curtain). When I became adult (i.e. reached puberty; became baaligh), I came to her and called to her from behind the curtain: "O Umm al-Mu'mineen, when does the bath become compulsory?" She said: "So, you have done it, O Luka'! And (in answer to the question), when the private parts conjoin."
(Al-Dhahabi in Siyar A'lam an-Nubala)

The first thing Muslim parents must do is put aside their harmful cultural attitudes regarding sensitive subjects and to develop a positive, healthy relationship with their children – one based on loving communication. It is upon this foundation that a holistic Islamic sexual education can take place.

Understanding and implementing the earliest steps of Islamic sex education, such as teaching children about ‘awrah and privacy, and providing a safe emotional environment where children can know that they will be believed by their parents, is one major step that needs to be taken in order to effectively prevent child sexual abuse from taking place.

The Shari’ah has absolutely no tolerance for those who abuse the trust of innocent children, or those who violate others against their will, as demonstrated by the Hadd punishments for rapists (which can either be the punishment for zina[1] or, according to some scholars who consider sexual violence to be a form of terrorism, being crucified and having their limbs amputated[2]) – and the attitude of the global Muslim community needs to reflect this.

We absolutely cannot accept those in our families and communities to be able to perpetrate their crimes without holding them to account and sending them to face the legal repercussions.
Parents and guardians must realize that they need to be keenly aware of our children’s lives and of their responsibility to be true guardians over their charges.

There is never an excuse to place cultural notions of ‘family honor,’ ‘reputation’ and ‘shame’ over the physical, sexual and psychological safety of a child. On the Day of Judgment, any adult guardian who knowingly allowed their charges to continue to be harmed in any way will stand before Allah and be held accountable for the grave transgression of their duties.

Parents must know that Allah has given them children as an Amanah, a trust. On the Day of Judgment, they will be held accountable for their safety, security, and overall health.

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said: “Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them. The servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it. Surely, every one of you is a shepherd and responsible for his flock.” (Sahih Bukhari, Sahih Muslim)

In short, it is the duty of every single Muslim to be aware of the existence and the seriousness of sexual violence in our societies, and to take every step necessary in order to eradicate it. Truly, Allah is the Most Just and praised this Ummah for being of those who enjoin the good and forbid the evil.

{You are the best nation produced [as an example] for mankind. You enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and believe in Allah.} (Qur’an 3:110)

May Allah make us of those who exemplify this verse, and truly enjoin the good and forbid the evil.

‪#‎MuslimSexEd‬

The Young Marriage Series: Part 3

Tools of the Trade

Umm Zainab Vanker and Umm Khadijah share some secret ingredients to a successful youthful marriage in Part 3 of the Young Marriage series.

Every marriage requires spouses to follow certain rules in order to be successful. However, couples in a youthful marriage are even more in need of guidance and awareness of how to face their challenges.

Marriage is, in itself, a serious commitment and responsibility. Contrary to popular opinion, the older one is at the time of marriage does not immediately mean that their relationship is more likely to be successful. However, it is also true that those who marry at a younger age will face more difficulty in maintaining their marriage. Thus, it is important for young Muslim husbands and wives to be aware from the outset of the practices that will result in a happy, meaningful marriage.

A willingness to be selfless, to compromise, and to make sacrifices. In a society where “adolescent selfishness” is acceptable, Muslim youth are rarely able to recognize the necessity and benefits of making personal sacrifices to achieve a greater goal: a successful marriage. Unfortunately, most young men and women are more concerned about their own wishes than they are with working towards a mutually beneficial goal.

For example, a young woman may not want to give up her dream education or career. Upon marriage, however, it may be difficult to pursue that particular field immediately, which may cause a great deal of resentment – which in turn contributes to turmoil within the relationship.

Similarly, many young men feel that they should have the best of both worlds: maintaining the same type of carefree lifestyle they had before marriage (e.g. spending hours playing videogames with their friends), while experiencing the benefits of married life as well (having someone take care of the home, outlet for physical desires, etc.). Their refusal to recognize that “something’s gotta give” leads to a sense of frustration from their wives, who feel that they have given up a great deal but received nothing in return.

Mum, I Wanna Marry A Shaykh!

Originally published in SISTERS Magazine.

UmmZainab Vanker reveals the reality of being married to a Shaykh and explains why it might not be for everyone.

Growing up in the ‘80s and ‘90s in a culturally conservative, semi-practising Muslim home, I never imagined or even hoped to marry a Shaykh, ‘Aalim, Hafidh or Moulana. Back then, only those girls who were from strong, practising Muslim families, whose fathers or other relatives were involved in da’wah or were madrasah teachers, ever considered the people of knowledge as potential spouses.

Alhamdulillah, today we are witnessing a reawakening of Islam in our communities, especially amongst the sisters. With this, however, has arisen a phenomenon which I had not come across previously. Let’s call it – The Wannabe Shaykh’s Wife Syndrome (WSWS)!
Many sisters, both young and older, fantasise about marrying a shaykh and living the Islamic dream. What’s wrong with this, you ask? The answer is, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it at all! It is a noble path to want to follow, as long as you are aware of the “job description,” and what the reality of such a life entails.

Unfortunately, today it has become a fad of sorts – a way of becoming “known” for whom you’re married to, or “gaining respect” because of who your husband is. There’s also the completely unrealistic idea that marrying a shaykh is tantamount to marrying the Prophet Muhammad (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) or one of the Sahabah, thinking that such a man will follow their examples in making time to teach their wives and families first before teaching others. Too many sisters have the naïve dream that these brothers will start imparting their Islamic knowledge to them from day one of their marriage!

Dearest sisters, this is not the reality of life as a shaykh’s wife – especially the wife of one who does what he does seeking payment and reward from Allah swt alone. Such a man sees that he has a great responsibility for the knowledge that Allah swt has given him, and that it is his duty to spread Allah’s word, no matter how difficult that path may be.

Niqaab for Rookies

Originally written for SISTERS magazine, by Umm Zainab Vanker (aka UmmTheSalafiFeminist).

Over the last few years, the topic of niqab (the face-veil) has stirred up much controversy and debate, not only in the media but amongst Muslims themselves. We can agree or disagree on the ayaat and ahadeeth regarding the hijab, the facts speak for themselves – niqab is not cultural, but can be taken as either wajib (compulsory) or mustahabb (highly recommended).

Unfortunately, our Muslim sisters can be our own worst enemy! When we see a niqaabi today, some of us feel the need to ‘advises’ her that she does not need to be forced by her husband or any other man to wear it. Many feel that it is their responsibility to inform a niqabi woman that she is free to choose how she wants to dress, and that a “liberated” woman would never wear it!

What many do not realize is that in the West, or in other countries where Muslims are a minority, those sisters who wear the niqab choose to do so, without coercion from their menfolk. It is a conscious decision made after a great deal of research, reading, and asking for His Guidance. For many, they are supported by husbands who are happy that their wives have made this choice; for others, they are still battling to convince their husbands to at least support them, even if they do not approve of it wholeheartedly.

It is a tough decision that is not made lightly for the majority of niqaabis. 

I'm A Student of Knowledge, So Please Pay for My $20, 000 Course!

I’m A Student of Knowledge, So Please Pay for My $20, 000 Course!

Disclaimer: This article is not meant to belittle or insult any Islamic institutions or organizations, nor is it meant to cause offence to any particular individual. It is merely a sincere, heart-felt, advisory rant. Please do not flame the author!

AlHamdulillaah, the Western Muslim community has made great advancements in the last several decades. We now have several institutions for Islamic education, countless intensive programs, and various annual spiritual and educational retreats. Unfortunately, with these benefits have come certain somewhat unsavoury phenomena – a celebrity culture surrounding our respected Islamic teachers, an “elite” group of those who can regularly afford these admittedly high-priced courses, and writing off or undermining those Islamic educators who happen to not be a part of some institution or another.

Yet another one of those emerging trends is that of youth (and even some not-so-youthly folks) suddenly considering themselves “serious students of knowledge,” simply because they have attended (or are planning on attending) Course X, Seminar Y, or Intensive Retreat Z. While it’s all well and good that they are expressing a zeal for pursuing knowledge, it rankles my nerves sorely when I am being spammed with emails requesting that I “donate to a worthy cause” by contributing a hundred or a thousand dollars to help them pay for their next course, seminar, or retreat. Logging onto my Facebook finds some individuals’ status updates constantly “reminding” me that they have X thousand dollars left to raise, so why am I not contributing?!

Dear brothers and sisters, just because you are a regular student at al-Maghrib or al-Kauthar or al-Bayyinah or (insert institution’s name here), please don’t think that you’re the next Ibn Taymiyyah and thus deserving of several hundred or thousand dollars’ worth of charity to attend “the awesomest ilm-ifying intensive program ever!” Quite frankly, if you can’t afford it on your own, please don’t go begging for other people’s hard-earned money. There are far worthier causes for us to donate to – though I may sound like a broken record, I will continue to point to orphans and widows in Palestine, Sudan, Iraq, and elsewhere. In fact, forget about overseas – there are hundreds, if not thousands, of needy brothers and sisters here in our Western communities. Maybe it’s just me, but I find that donating to a Muslim women’s shelter is more practical and spiritually rewarding than paying for a naive, already well-off (comparatively speaking) young man or woman who is already attending a decent university and living comfortably at home, to attend the latest hip Islamic course.

Seriously, brothers and sisters, I don’t want to undermine your efforts. I understand that you want to seek knowledge. I understand that you feel you really need to attend the next course. But I would like YOU to stop for a moment and realize that a $20, 000 intensive retreat program is not going to turn you into a sheikh or sheikh, nor is it the only avenue available to you for seeking knowledge. When was the last time you went to your local masjid’s free weekly Arabic course? Or your local sheikh’s weekly duroos? Oh wait, I’m sorry – those are all free and thus not worth your attention, because if it’s free and at the Masjid, it just doesn’t have that whole glamorous intellectual feel to it. Too many of us forget that the true student of knowledge avails him or herself of what knowledge is right in front of them and readily available. Today, we are so caught up in the hype of what’s cool to go to, that we would rather pursue something that we can’t quite afford, yet which is not completely and utterly necessary either. Truly, what’s the point of attending an intensive program for Arabic language, that costs more than your university tuition, when you don’t even know the obligatory fiqh of tahaarah or salaah (which you could easily learn by attending your Imam’s weekly lesson, for free)? It’s time for a major assessment of our own self-worth.

My dear brother and sister, if you really think that you are a true student of knowledge worthy of being supported by public funds, then I advise you to go to your local Masjid and humbly apply for zakaah. After all, the student of knowledge is considered by most of the scholars to be eligible for zakaah. (See here for Sheikh Ibn Al-‘Uthaymeen’s view)

For the most part, however, I am sure that we are all agreed that there are far more deserving recipients of zakaah than we who live in comfort and ease. Underprivileged Muslim children; struggling single mothers or fathers; abused spouses; widows and orphans... they all exist in our communities, and surely their situations are far worse than ours! Our greatest concern is being able to afford the next seminar; their greatest concerns are about being able to afford the next meal or this month’s rent. Are we truly so crass as to ignore their needs for our paltry ones?

If you are really so desperate to attend course X, Y, or Z then I humbly suggest that rather than seeking hand-outs from your family, friends, and total strangers, you work for it yourself. You will not suffer a terrible fate if you don’t happen to attend the intensive course this year or the next. If you die, Allah will not ask you about why you weren’t able to raise enough money to go to such-and-such spiritual retreat for a month. What you may well be asked about, however, is why you did not bother to learn and re-learn the correct execution of salaah, or support your suffering Muslim neighbour, when the opportunities to seek knowledge and do good were right in front of you and cost far less than what you were asking from others.

May Allah increase us in emaan and ‘ilm, and grant us the ability to recognize the jewels of teachers that we have right under our noses, and to benefit from their sincere and dedicated efforts. May Allah grant us a true understanding of beneficial knowledge and the ability to seek it, learn it, and understand it fully. May Allah forgive us all for our shortcomings, ameen.