Poly Q&A: How Can I Regain My Second Wife's Trust?

(Almost) every month, I have a q & a column with AboutIslam.net, under their Ask a Counselor section. Here's the latest (where I very nobly refrained from sharing my actual initial reaction):

Assalamu alaikum,

I had a wife in the past, but then I met a girl and fell in love with her. We became lovers soon after she told me she loves me. I told her that I have a wife, but that I want to end things with her soon. However, I couldn’t end things for 4 years and we had a baby together.

My second wife became angry and urged me to end things and I kept putting her off till one year became two. Eventually, last year I ended things with my first wife and tried to move closer to my second wife, but she says she can’t trust me and doesn’t have feelings for me.

I still love her a lot, and I’m ready to do anything she asks of me, but she doesn’t trust me. What should I do? How can I regain her trust and love? Please advise me on what I need to do.

Answer:

To begin with, I must say that your question is not an easy one to answer. Based on what you have said, I am unsure whether you had a haraam relationship with the second woman or not before you married her. I will assume that you married her before having a physical relationship with her.

The problem is far greater than simply winning back your second wife’s love and trust. The reality is that you have spent the past few years engaging in lies with both your first and second wives. You married your second wife before informing her about your first wife and then deceived her repeatedly by telling her that you would leave your first wife.

instead, for four years you not only remained married to your first wife, but had children with her!

Thus, the first thing for you to be made aware of is the extreme seriousness and sinfulness of lying in Islam:

Al-Bukhaari (6094) and Muslim (2607) narrated that Ibn Mas‘ood (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “I enjoin you to be truthful, for truthfulness leads to righteousness and righteousness leads to Paradise. A man may continue to tell the truth and endeavour to be truthful until he is recorded with Allah as a speaker of truth. And beware of lying, for lying leads to wickedness and wickedness leads to Hell. A man may continue to tell lies and endeavour to tell lies, until he is recorded with Allah as a liar.”

The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) also said: “There are four characteristics, whoever has them all is a pure hypocrite, and whoever has one of them has one of the characteristics of hypocrisy, until he gives it up: when he is entrusted with something, he betrays that trust, when he speaks he lies, when he makes a covenant he betrays it, and when he disputes he resorts to obscene speech.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (34) and Muslim (58).

If this is the severity of lying in general, how much worse is it to lie to your spouse - and in your case, not one, but both of them? Marriage is a sacred contract in which both partners are meant to be sources of comfort and tranquility to one another, not sources of deceit and harm.

Not only that, but you took it a step further by engaging in injustice between your two wives. Polygamy is permitted in Islam under strict conditions of justice, which it does not seem that you have abided by.

The Qur’an tells us:
{And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].} (Qur’an 4:3)

RasulAllah also said: “Whoever has two wives and favors one of them over the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his sides leaning.” (Tirmidhi)


There is no simple solution for your situation. When someone genuinely loves someone else, they show it through their actions by being honest and upright and consistent in their behaviour. You have done the opposite of that in all of these years, towards both of your wives. It is understandable that your second wife does not trust you or love you, when you have demonstrated dishonesty and false promises for so long.

The question that you should be asking is not how you can make your second wife trust and love you, but how you can make amends to both wives, how to uphold their Islamic rights, and how to hold yourself accountable for your wrongdoing for so many years.

First of all, you must turn to Allah in sincere repentance for your sins and injustice towards both women (and whomever else, such as your children, you may have impacted negatively through your actions). This repentance requires that you regret your behaviour, that you beg of Allah’s forgiveness, and that you commit never to repeat those actions or patterns of behaviour again.

The second part to seeking Allah’s forgiveness in this case requires you to seek the forgiveness of your wives as well.

Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Whoever has wronged their brother or sister [in Islam], should ask for his pardon (before his death), as (in the Hereafter) there will be neither a Dinar nor a Dirham. (He should secure pardon in this life) before some of his good deeds are taken and paid to his brother, or, if he has done no good deeds, some of the bad deeds of his brother are taken to be loaded on him (in the Hereafter).” (Sahih Bukhari)

This means that you approach both wives, admit to your wrongdoing, commit yourself to treating them both with justice and fairness, and then listening to each of them to know what you need to do to make things right with each of them. As well, I strongly recommend that you seek individual as well as marital/ family professional therapy and counseling to help accomplish the goals of repentance and accountability. What both your wives have had to endure is extremely painful and will not be ‘fixed’ very quickly. It will require many years of hard work on your end to help them heal, and it may even be that one or both of them may never completely forgive you or be able to move on from what you have done.

It is important for you to recognize the seriousness of your actions, and commit yourself to doing what is right, sincerely and for the Sake of Allah. So long as you maintain your sincerity, then inshaAllah things will either become easier for you and your family, or Allah will make a way for each person to receive the justice that they are due - whether in this world or in the Hereafter.

May Allah forgive you and may He guide you to doing that which is most pleasing to Him, ameen.

Unveiling the Hoor al-'Ayn (Part 2)

A Poly Paradise – Earthly Wives, Celestial Brides, Oh My!

THE ḤÛR AL-ÎN are most certainly one of the most contentious issues for Muslim women, and a source of downright glee for many men.

While many women ask, “What do we get in Jannah?” – which is a valid question that certainly deserves to be addressed – it is, to be blunt, merely an aside to the true crux of the matter.

That core issue is, of course, polygamy.

Polygamy in and of itself is a fraught issue amongst Muslims. On the one hand, it is clear in the Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet œ that it is recognized as a legitimate, permissible form of marriage in Islam. Classical scholarship discusses and confirms the rights of Muslim women not merely in general, but specifically within the context of marriage – including polygamous marriage.

On the other hand, however, there is undeniable reality: a reality where the theories of Islamic law do not necessarily translate into real life. Polygamy has been, and continues to be, misused by Muslim men and has thus resulted in the gross abuse of Muslim women. Islamic rulings about fiqh are twisted and technicalities exploited as an excuse, in many cases, for men to avoid taking full responsibility for their actions – which in turn are driven largely by their desires and not necessarily by noble intentions or even basic honesty.

However, that is not to say that the widely-known problems surrounding polygamy as practiced by many Muslims are problems exclusive to polygamy or even to Muslims. Rather, while the behaviors may be dressed up or justified using Islamic terms, the truth is that the motivations behind those actions are purely human. Just as there are those who abuse the institution of monogamy, the problem is not with monogamy itself, but rather, with the individuals.

What is it about polygamy that makes so many women upset? Is it the idea of sharing their husband physically with another woman (or multiple women)? Is it about feeling that one doesn’t have an exclusive relationship – including emotionally – with her husband? Is it more about the common stories of abuse, or even simple irresponsibility and ineptness by many men who engage in polygamy? Or is there, perhaps, a bias through which we are viewing this entire issue that we ourselves do not even recognize?

On the Other Side of the Rainbow

Polygamy is not exclusive to Islam or Muslims. Globally and historically, polygamy has existed as an institution of marriage, wherein a man has married more than one woman and has been committed to them physically, emotionally, and financially. Polygamy differs from promiscuity in that, rather than engaging in short-term multiple relationships that are based on a largely sexual foundation, polygamy demands that the husband be committed and responsible.

From a worldview which views and encourages fidelitous relationships as necessary to a healthy society, polygamy is by far preferable to short-term relationships which do not foster strong family units. In short – marriage of any type, whether monogamous or polygamous – is considered infinitely more desirable than zina of any type.

What is peculiarly interesting about how polygamy is viewed today, and in particular in Western countries – both those with a strong Judeo-Christian history and those which are primarily secular and liberal – is that there is a huge disconnect with history and with a consistent moral framework.

Despite LGBTQ+ rights being championed around the world, and pride being taken in understanding and supporting ‘liberal’ values, polygamy continues to be viewed as something negative and shameful. For all that certain groups claim that they support ‘love’ and that it shouldn’t be restricted by race or gender, they conveniently ignore that polygamy involves consenting adults (for the most part). Those who say that polygamy is the cause of abuse, forced marriage, child marriage, and other such problems are deliberately conflating issues. Abuse, forced marriage, and child marriage all exist outside of polygamy, and are not unique to it.

It is strange to me that so many people, including Muslims, do in fact try to ‘prove’ how liberal and ‘enlightened’ they are by actively supporting something such as homosexuality, yet have such a strong kneejerk reaction to polygamy – which, unlike homosexuality, is permissible in Islam.

The blunt truth is that when individuals question things such as polygamy (or the Hûr Al-În ) in Islam, they view themselves as being objective – when in truth they are themselves biased and influenced by the prevailing attitudes and mentalities of their time and culture.

It’s very easy to claim objectivity, but no one is truly objective. Values and morals change over time, and dramatically over a period of time as short as a decade. One need look no further than Western cultures to recognize how the moral norms of society have changed drastically: as early as 60 years ago, men and women as young as their mid-teens got married and it was not considered an intolerable problem; homosexuality was, as in every monotheistic religion, reviled and considered unacceptable, and public support was nearly non-existent. Today, it’s widely considered ‘normal’ for twelve-year-olds to engage in sexual experimentation but inappropriate for seventeen-year-olds to get married, while gay marriage has been legalized in Canada, the United States, and numerous other countries.

The great wisdom behind Divine Law, the Sharî¢ah of Allah, is that as our Creator has set down a set of general (and often specific) morals and values that do not change based on people’s whims and desires. In the Sharî¢ah, we have standards and codes of conduct that reinforce morals that are non-negotiable. Modesty, marital fidelity, and a zero-tolerance policy on zina of any type are examples of these values.

Once again related to the curious dichotomy between the modern-day secular, liberal agenda and the perception of polygamy, is that the liberal movement claims to be enlightened regarding the meaning of ‘love’ – yet does not extend that to polygamy.

Instead, we have people across the world affected by the primarily Judeo-Christian ideal of monogamous love: the idea that there is only one woman for one man; that romantic love is restricted to that single relationship alone; that love is limited and confined.

Why is that we are so resistant towards changing our perception of love? Why do we feel that love is something limited and quantified; that to love one individual means being incapable of loving another? Why do we feel that to have our husbands love another woman, takes away his love from us? What about loving for your loved one to be loved – to experience happiness simply in the knowledge that your loved one is happy?

Of course, the answers to much of that lies within understanding how the prominence of certain ideologies have resulted in the change of lifestyles, worldviews and perception of concepts such as love, marriage, and family.

In fact, I truly believe that the normalization of the nuclear family unit, as opposed to an extended family network that includes and incorporates polygamy, is largely responsible for the attitude that views polygamy as something innately harmful.

One counter-argument regarding polygamy often is – if it’s okay and ‘normal’ for men to be polygamous, why is it not so for women? Aren’t the same justifications for polygamous men applicable to women who incline towards the same?

The truth is, once again, harsh to some. Allah tells us clearly that “wa laysa al-dhakara ka al-untha.” The male is not like the female. Islam itself recognizes innate differences – biological, psychological, and social – and has a vast array of different rulings for the genders. However, with emotional capability to love put aside (and there are certainly some valid points regarding women’s emotional bandwidth compared to men), one very simple reason for the fact that polyandry is prohibited in Islam is because of paternity.

Access to technology such as DNA analysis is both extremely recent and privileged; the vast majority of people in the world cannot get a paternity test easily or immediately. Lineage through the father is taken very seriously in Islam, and the prohibition of polyandry is related to that.

Sharing is Caring

Though so many people are hung up on the idea of sharing their husbands with the Hûr Al-În, one point which is particularly fascinating is actually about the fact that out of the spouses whom a man will have in Jannah, two of them will be human wives.

In Sûrat Al-Wâqiah, Allah describes the women of Jannah in the following terms:

Indeed, We have produced the women of Paradise in a [new] creation; and made them virgins, beloved (by nature), equal in age…  [Sûrat Al-Wâqiah, 56:35-37]

As evidenced by the ḥadîth of the Prophet (introduced in Part 1), Abû Hurairah narrated that the Prophet Muhammad  said:

Every man in heaven will go to seventy-two of the creatures of Allah (houris) and two of the women of mankind. These two (human, believing) women are superior to the creatures of Allah (houris) with their worshipping (good deeds) which they had performed in this world. (Bayhaqi, Al-Ba'th wa Al-Nushûr; Ṭabari, Tafsir; Abû Ya¢la, Ibn Ḥajar, Fatḥ Al-Bâri; Ṭabarâni; and others)

These verses refer not to the Hûr Al-În (houris), but to the human believing women.

In particular, verse 37 of Sûrat Al-Wâqi'ah stands out: 'Uruban atrâban. While the word atrâban is translated as ‘equal in age,’ there are other linguistic nuances to the word. In Nouman Ali Khan’s linguistic analysis of the verse, he points out that the word atrâban is related to the word turâb – dust, dirt, that original source material from which every human being has been created. More specifically, the implication of the word is not merely that these women are made from dust (ergo, they are human beings), but that they are made from the same dust as their spouses, a symbolic reference. In essence, they will be perfect and compatible for their spouses in every way: true soul mates.

In addition, the following ḥadîth further describes these women:

It is reported that some people stated with a sense of pride and some discussed whether there would be more men in Paradise or more women. It was upon this that Abû Hurairah reported that the Prophet œ said:

The (members) of the first group to get into Paradise would have their faces as bright as the full moon during the night, and the next to this group would have their faces as bright as the shining stars in the sky, and every person would have two wives and the marrow of their shanks would glimmer beneath the flesh and there would be none without a wife in Paradise. There would be no dissension amongst them and no enmity in their hearts. Their hearts would be like one heart, glorifying Allah morning and evening. (Muslim)

Considering the way this ḥadîth is phrased – with the description of the believers in general coming first, and then specifying the women – it could be said that the final phrase regarding the hearts is also describing the women in particular.

How incredible would it be if our co-wives in Jannah are not merely soul mates to our husbands, but our kindred spirits as well?

So Many Questions, Never Enough Answers

This look at polygamy and our attitudes towards it – whether on this Earth or in Jannah – is by no means exhaustive or perfect. It is a small attempt to look into why we feel so strongly about it, and there are further points that will continue to be addressed in future parts, inshâ’Allah.

Nor are the sentiments put forth in this article meant to invalidate the questions and emotions many people have regarding this sensitive topic. It is recognized that for every individual, there will be issues that are troubling and which they find problematic. Ultimately, it is impossible for a fellow human being to provide answers that are tailored to and satisfy each and every person. What is difficult for one person to process may be very simple for another; the perspective which provides contentment to one individual may cause further discomfort for another.

In the end, we are all on a journey towards Jannah itself. That path has difficulties for us all, and those challenges must be expected – for Allah Himself tells us:

Or do you think that you will enter Paradise while Allah has not yet tested those of you who fight in His cause and made evident those who are steadfast? [Sûrat Âl 'Imrân, 3:142]

Perhaps one of the greatest tests of us all is that we do not allow our own weaknesses and question to commit one of the greatest sins: to question Allah by demanding explanations of His choices or questioning His wisdom.

He is not questioned about what He does, but they will be questioned. [Sûrat Al-Anbiyâ’, 21:23]

Archie, Betty and Veronica: America's (Polygynous) Sweethearts

Archie, Betty, and Veronica: 

America's (Polygynous) Sweethearts

Polygyny is so often presented as a strange, Eastern concept rooted in misogyny and chauvinism... yet few realize that polygyny has existed in Western culture for decades, flaunted right under everyone's noses.

Archie comics were a staple of hundreds of thousands of North Americans' upbringing - and, unbeknownst to many, are a perfect example of a positive, heterosexual polygynous triad.

Betty and Veronica are best friends both in love with the same man; two women whose minor rivalries for Archie's attention and fights over his affection never destroy their friendship. If it looks as though Archie might be distracted by another woman (in particular the nefarious Cheryl Blossom), Betty and Veronica unite to remind him very strongly of which two women are the only ones he should be paying attention to.
Though they might squabble over fashion, hobbies, and who Archie is on a date with that night, Betty and Veronica are also loyal to each other and love each other dearly. Many a comic strip has ended with the two of them spending time with each other instead of with him, proving that loving the same man doesn't mean being unable to love 'the other woman.'

Archie, for his part, can never make up his mind and choose one over the other. His love for Betty and his love for Veronica is certainly not the same, yet no one can say that he truly favours one over the other. He appreciates each woman for her own unique personality (and of course, physical appearance). He stumbles and bumbles between the two, torn by the expectation of having to choose when he obviously *can't*... and really, why should he have to?

Archie, Betty and Veronica are possibly one of the best and most realistic portrayals of ‪#‎positivepoly‬, one which recognizes natural human emotions that are not narrowed and restricted solely to rabid jealousy or unrealistic adoration. From the close friendship between the two women to their unwillingness to give up on Archie, these three characters have proven that through thick and thin, their mutual love for each other can withstand the test of time. There’s really nothing quite like a consensual heterosexual polygynous triad, after all ;)

 wink emoticon

Polygyny: What It Means When African American Muslim Women Share Their Husbands (Book Review)

POLYGYNY IS THE pink elephant in the room for so many Muslims – a topic both titillating and embarrassing, one that comes up in questions from non-Muslims and in debate in Muslim gatherings, a subject that elicits strong emotional reactions from almost everyone.

There are books about coping with polygyny; there are arguments made as to whether it’s even Islamically acceptable in this day and age. Yet, fiqh rulings aside, there is very little discussion on how polygyny exists as a practical reality in the lives of many Muslims in the West.

Debra Majeed, a professor of religious studies at Beloit College, wrote the book “Polygyny: What It Means When African American Muslim Women Share Their Husbands” in order to better understand (and explain) the phenomenon of polygyny from the perspectives of African American Muslim women based on their lived experiences.

In her preface, she describes her motivations for exploring the topic, and the lens through which she has framed her work. She makes it clear that her primary focus is on African American Muslim women. She emphasizes that she is operating from within the paradigm of Muslim womanism, which she defines as “a ‘philosophical perspective’ that draws attention to the varied conditions of black womanhood as experienced by African American Muslims, and the values of Islam they articulate.”[1]

Majeed’s book is divided into 6 chapters, not including the Introduction and Afterword, both of which are worthy of spending time on reading.

Despite the fact that the book’s main purpose is to be used as a textbook, Majeed’s writing style is refreshingly clear and easy to read, unburdened by the convoluted terminology one generally expects from academia. The context of the book is equally refreshing: an honest, realistic, practical, and most importantly, non-judgmental look and discussion at the many ways polygyny is lived in North America.

Though it is repeated many times that these stories are of African American Muslims, much of what the book discusses is applicable to the vast majority of Muslims in North America who practice polygyny. Sprinkled with anecdotes and quotes from individuals whom Majeed interviewed on the topic, Polygyny does not skew in favor of polygyny or against it – it is merely  frank, and provides a very balanced view at polygyny across the spectrum of both positive and negative experiences.

Chapter 1 is titled ‘The Road to Understanding Polygyny,’ and lays out a clear and well-organized introduction to key ideas and concepts that Majeed proceeds to cover. She is transparent about how she has gathered all her information and references those whom she has drawn useful contributions. As part of ‘the road to understanding polygyny,’ she introduces to us some of the individuals whom she spoke to – women who have either lived in polygyny in the past, or are living in it currently. There are those who found themselves, unexpectedly, not the first wives they believed themselves to be—due to the fact their husbands went behind their backs, and then there are those who had more positive experiences.

Additionally, she goes to some length to explain why polygynous marriage is considered a viable option by some women in the African American Muslim community. She further explains the importance of womanism in her work, and ties the various threads being introduced into a comprehensive foundation upon which to proceed reading.

Chapter 2, ‘Agency and Authority in Polygyny,’ talks about the agency, power, and authority that Muslim women wield in polygynous marriages, and how those choices are acted upon in different ways. This chapter also includes a section that I thought was particularly intriguing and enjoyable: a ‘dialogical performance as ethnography.’ That is, she took a semi-fictional approach by imagining that she had gathered together her various interviewees and put together their responses on various topics related to polygyny, in order to provide a compare-and-contrast discussion-based platform. Through this medium, she provides readers with the opportunity to better identify and relate to the variety of perspectives of individuals who have lived through polygyny.

Majeed broadly divides polygyny into three types: polygyny of liberation, polygyny of choice, and polygyny of coercion. These three categories roughly describe polygyny as it is experienced by the women within these relationships – the first being an extremely positive experience wherein women find joy and empowerment; the second being that of acceptance but not necessarily enthusiasm or preference; and the third being that in which the women felt pressured – due to various factors – to remain within the polygynous relationship despite their own displeasure with the situation.

From personal experience and observation of others, I strongly agree with Majeed’s categorization of polygynous experiences for Muslim women. I especially appreciated the nuance and thoughtfulness that went into describing these categories and validating them with the lived experiences of women in those situations.

Chapters 3, 4, and 5 “Religious and Experiential Prescriptions”, “Legalities and Emotional Well-Being,” and “Imam Mohammed’s Commentary on Polygyny,” respectively, were a little denser in terms of content. The topics covered mostly revolve around explanations of, and discussions on, polygyny in the Muslim community, and specifically within the Nation of Islam community. There is some detail given to the history of polygyny within the NoI movement and how it affected its leadership, which to some non-NoI Muslims would be considered largely irrelevant – although I personally thought that there were various insights definitely worth considering and applicable to the Muslim community at large.

Of particular note were the observations of steps taken by men that made polygyny easier and more successful—or more difficult and burdensome—for the women involved. It is clear that those men who were respectful and considerate of their first wives’ physical, emotional, and psychological situations and well-being were those men with far more positive polygynous marriages. On the other hand, those who neglected the well-being of both wives, whether spiritual, financial, legal or otherwise, were of those who often ended up going through a divorce with one of them.

It is also interesting to note that in almost every successful example of polygyny, the women involved were aware, educated, and involved in how their husbands chose to marry other wives. Among my own favorite stories, the co-wives had friendships and close relationships of their own that were not dependent upon their shared husband.

Chapter 6, “Mental Health and Living Polygyny” was, to me, the most enlightening chapter by far. One aspect of polygyny that is almost completely neglected by Muslims is that of how polygyny affects the psychology of children raised within this family structure. Again, Majeed brings forth a balanced view of how polygyny can positively affect children, and how it can also be a source of anguish and negativity for them as well.

Describing the positive experience that one child of a polygynous family had underscored the importance of the father’s role: to be present in his children’s lives, to communicate with them about changes in their lives due to the introduction of another adult to the family, and to model healthy relationships with both his wives.

Unfortunately, such an example of lived polygyny is extremely rare not just amongst African American polygynous Muslims, but polygynous Muslims at large. All too often, men going into polygyny rarely deign to think about how their marital choices will affect their children, especially if it means creating two (or more) separate households and reducing the amount of quality time spent with each child.

In her conclusion, Majeed lists several key notes which she thinks are of utmost importance for polygynous Muslims to be aware of and to practice in order to ensure the safety and security of all parties involved.

Polygyny: What It Means When African American Muslim Women Share Their Husbands is a book that I consider a must-read for all those interested in, or involved in, a polygynous marriage. It provides candid glimpses into real-life examples of polygyny, indirectly making it obvious what the common denominators of positive poly marriages are – and equally obvious how to guarantee the failure of a poly relationship.

By discussing not only the religious aspect of polygyny in Islam, but also by going into detail about legal concerns, financial caretaking of spouses, the relationship between co-wives, and the mental health of women and children in polygyny, Debra Majeed highlighted a wide spectrum of necessary issues that Muslims are faced with when undertaking polygyny.

It is my hope that we see a great deal more literature – as well as speeches and workshops by qualified Imams and other community leaders – provided on these topics. Unfortunately, existing narratives about polygyny in the Muslim community are overwhelmingly negative, unhealthy, and stale, with very little practicality. Majeed’s book is revitalizing , and hopefully the beginning of a more realistic and healthy approach to polygyny amongst Muslims not only in African American communities, but all Muslim communities, both in the East and the West.

————————

[1] “Polygyny: What It Means When African American Muslim Women Share Their Husbands(2015) University Press of Florida, Introduction, page 3

The Almost-Polygynous Woman's Checklist, Part 2

DESPITE THE NEGATIVE perception of polygyny that is widespread amongst Muslims and non-Muslims alike, more and more Muslims – including women – are actively pursuing polygynous marriages. The reasons behind this are varied:

• For some women, their status as divorcees or single mothers marks them in the community as less eligible for a monogamous husband.
• Others may be older women who have not been previously married, whether out of choice or otherwise, and who do not feel the need for a ‘full time’ husband.
• Still others may be younger without any children or past marriages, but simply see polygyny as a viable option that they are comfortable with.

Regardless of their personal reasons for entering polygyny, there still remains a dearth of advice geared towards women seeking this option. While Part 1 mentioned points related to what a woman should be aware of when first considering polygyny or speaking to a prospective husband, Part 2 focuses on addressing commonly occurring patterns observed amongst some polygynous women.

1. Drop the Attitude. Unfortunately, there are numerous woman who intend on entering polygyny, yet hold negative and even aggressive attitudes from the get-go.

• “It’s my right to marry a married man,” some say, sounding an awful lot like married men who insist on their right to marry other wives (regardless of their circumstances).
• “I don’t need her permission to marry him!” others cry, deriding the first wife. “Why should I care how she feels? It’s my life and I’m not doing anything haram.”
• Even worse are those who enter polygyny with the intention of causing the man to divorce his first wife so that she (the second) can have him all to herself.Such mentalities completely lack compassion and consideration, which are basic traits that every true Muslim should have. If someone is determined to enter into a polygynous marriage, they must also remember that Allah loves the muḥsinîn – those who strive to live their lives according to a standard of excellence, knowing that even if they cannot see Allah, He sees them.A woman who is about to enter poly should be acutely aware that her upcoming marriage is not just about herself and her husband-to-be: another woman’s life will be drastically changed and impacted by this new relationship. The advent of, and commitment to, polygyny has serious effects on the first marriage; both the husband and the first wife will be going through a great deal of emotional change, as individuals and as a couple. The first wife in particular will experience great difficulty, especially if she is not 100% happy with the idea of polygyny in the first place.Ideally, polygyny should not be something that any woman is coerced or forced into; it should be something entered into with the consent of all parties involved. Many argue that it is not an Islamic requirement for the first wife to know or for her permission to be given, but it is an Islamic requirement that the husband be just with his wives – and how can he really be just between them if he is engaged in deception and emotionally harming at least one of them?Too many Muslims live their lives according to whether something is their Islamic ‘right’ or not; too few Muslims live their lives according to a higher standard of iḥsân(excellence), dealing with others in a manner that displays greatness of adab (manners) and akhlâq (character).

2. Be Committed. Usually it is assumed that men are those who enter polygyny without being completely committed – that is, having an attitude of “We’ll see how this goes,” sometimes with the effect of ending the second marriage quickly when the pressure from his first wife, or other factors, get to be too much for him to handle.The idea that the first wife is the only one to whom he should really be committed to is unfortunately bolstered by certain scholarly comments, including the statement that the first wife is the one who fulfills the Sunnah, whereas others are merely considered to be merely accumulations of the Dunya (material world).However, things have changed somewhat in that this attitude is no longer limited to men alone. There are now women who are also adopting this attitude – that polygynous marriage is not as serious as monogamy, that they can just ‘try it out’ and if it doesn’t work the way they want it to, then they can leave it behind without much thought.What is completely disregarded is that polygyny isn’t just about one person – it impacts, at minimum, two other people; namely, the husband and the first wife. If there are children involved, they too will be affected. Choosing to walk out on a polygynous marriage almost as soon as one has entered into it displays a complete lack of consideration for the others involved.What few think about is how polygyny has affected the first marriage, before, during, and after the second marriage has taken place. The husband as well as the wife go through emotional changes that have long-lasting consequences – even and especially in the case of a man who has made the effort to undertake polygyny in the best and most honorable manner possible.
   The first wife, even if she has no serious objection to her husband remarrying, will still experience some degree of emotional turmoil. That is only natural. The husband himself will find himself struggling to process emotions that he has never had to go through before, in addition to the adjustment of establishing a relationship with the second wife.
   Women who take polygyny lightly and don’t view a polygynous marriage as a relationship deserving of utmost commitment, need a reality check. Marriage, whether monogamous or polygynous, is a serious undertaking. Leaving a polygynous marriage abruptly without thinking about the effects it will have on others, is quite frankly selfish. (Note: This does not apply in cases of abuse.)
   Thus, any woman thinking about polygyny should first take a good, hard look at her intentions: Are you ready to view this relationship as being just as serious and deserving of commitment –in every way– as a monogamous marriage is? Are you ready to be understanding of the fact that polygyny is something that affects others besides yourself, and to behave accordingly, even (and especially) during difficult times?
   If not, then perhaps polygyny is not for you.

3. A Co-Wife Contract. The relationship between co-wives is often the butt of various polygynous jokes. It is often solely defined in the light of jealousy, anger, and overwhelming negativity, with the first wife being characterized as high-strung and overly-emotional, and the second wife as being malicious and determined to ‘win’ the rivalry.More and more, though, there are women who no longer want to play these ill-fated roles; increasingly, women are considering the radical idea that co-wives can have a positive relationship with each other, as friends and genuine sisters in Islam rather than despising each other’s existence.Of course, there are also those who prefer to maintain a certain level of distance rather than become best friends overnight, and that’s okay. Not every woman will have the same constructive feelings towards her co-wife, and that should be recognized and respected.Nonetheless, it is still important to discuss and lay out the ways in which co-wives can establish and maintain a relationship of positivity. While one would think that things like being kind to each other and not harming each other are obvious points that are founded in the basics of Islam, it’s unfortunate that not everyone thinks things through clearly when it comes to polygyny.Hence the idea of a co-wife contract. A contract between a husband and wife is known to be a part of any Islamic marriage, but what about considering a contract between co-wives? Technically, Islam permits contracts –agreements– between parties for almost any reason (so long as it does not involve anything ḥarâm), and further, considers the honoring of contracts to be a very serious matter.

• The benefits of a co-wife contract would lie not only in the terms laid out, but especially in opening up the conversation between co-wives. All too often, husbands try to keep their wives apart with the mistaken assumption that distance will make things easier for them, rather than making it more difficult.The truth is that not letting the women meet and speak with each other actually gives more room for fitnah – both women will find themselves wondering what the other woman is like, how beautiful she is, what her personality is like that makes her so ‘special’ that their husband chose to marry her (or remain married to her), and so on.

• Another benefit to meeting and composing a contract between co-wives is so that they –and their husband– can discuss their ‘poly vision.’ That is, how do they want their polygynous lifestyle to be set up? What will their system be – how many days will the husband spend with each of them, which days will go to whom? Where will they live, what is the greatest distance they are able to manage, and how will it affect the husband’s time with each wife? Will they visit each other regularly, or not at all? How will they handle conflict? Will the children from either woman have a relationship with the other, and if so, how will that relationship be nurtured?
• Most important is laying out the absolute fundamentals of how they will treat each other: to remember and acknowledge that they are sisters in Islam who love for each other what they love for themselves. There should be a point of pledging to honor and respect each other; to have goodwill towards the other woman and her marriage to their husband; never to use their own marriage against the other’s, to cause ill feelings, or to behave maliciously with each other. They should recognize each other as part of the same family, and treat each other accordingly.

Being able to articulate these points makes it much easier to process the emotional and life changes that polygyny inevitably causes, and to flesh out a healthy co-wife relationship.

Having a co-wife contract also adds a dimension of seriousness to the discussion. Pledging to commit to the ideas and goals expressed within it results in all parties involved being held accountable not only to each other, but directly to Allah: an oath that one will have to face consequences for if broken.

Though I’ve referred to it as a ‘co-wife contract,’ this does not mean that the husband has no part in it. The husband should also be included –and wives who are concerned about things like finances or serial re-marriage can include conditions such as ensuring access to bank accounts or stipulating that in the event of divorce, the husband should wait a full year before considering polygyny again.

In the end, the main goal is to facilitate communication and honest discussion between co-wives and their shared husband, and an Islamically recognized safeguard against possible (and sadly common) misuses and abuses of polygyny.

These, then, are some of the most necessary pieces of advice for women who are thinking of entering polygyny as second or subsequent wives –according to my own observations and experience, that is. My hope is that rather than relying upon stereotypes and clichés, and rather than being negatively influenced by the many sad stories of polygyny gone wrong, Muslims can finally have access to resources that promote a healthier polygynous model and lifestyle.

Polygyny was made permissible by Allah for a reason, and while it has been misused by far too many people for far too long, there are also many great benefits that it has to offer to women as well as men.

May Allah guide us all to living according to a standard of ethics and behavior that is pleasing to Him, and grant us success and happiness in our marriages and families. Âmîn.

The Almost-Polygynous Women's Checklist (Part 1)

DISCUSSIONS ABOUT POLYGYNY amongst Muslims tend to be quite stilted and repetitive – the same old tired mantras regarding a man’s “right” to take on other wives; that enduring the situation with patience is a first wife’s jihâd; that polygyny is a cure-all to half the Ummah’s social issues, from poverty to the divorce rate to single moms.

Rarely, however, are women–those who choose to go into polygyny as second or other subsequent wives—given advice on what they’re getting into. Amongst average Muslims who don’t necessarily have many positive associations with polygyny, second wives are viewed in a pretty harsh manner – as little more than secret mistresses, home-wreckers, and simply selfish.

The truth is more complex, however. In some cases, the women don’t even realize that they are second wives until after they get married, and only then are they informed (or sometimes, find out accidentally) that their husband already has another family. In other cases, it is an unfortunate reality that some women enter polygyny with the full knowledge that the first wife is completely unaware of what the husband has done.

Sadly, Muslims seem mired in unhealthy models of polygyny that are founded upon a lack of honesty, transparency, and consideration for others who will be impacted by the new marriage(s). There is little out there to provide practical advice on how one can begin a polygynous marriage and maintain it in a positive manner that seeks to embody the concept ofiḥsân (excellence) with regards to all parties involved.

Hopefully, one step in drawing closer to promoting healthier polygynous relationships is the following advice, from one polygynous woman to those who are considering polygyny or have already decided to enter it.

1. Don’t Be Naïve. Many women who think about entering polygyny as second or subsequent wives do so while being oblivious to the reality of polygynous life.One common trend is that men seeking other wives will attempt to woo the prospective spouse by telling her that he doesn’t ‘really’ love his first wife, that he’s only remaining married to her for the children/family, or that there is something deficient in the first wife that has led him to seek another woman. He will convince her that she will be the wife he truly loves, the only one he really cares for.
   This is a lie. Don’t fall for it.
   The truth is that these men are married to their first wives for a reason – if the situation were truly all that bad, he most likely would have divorced her already. Rather, he already has a solid and established relationship with his first wife; in most cases, the emotional bond that he has with her is such that he will never consider actually leaving her.
   Even so, such men often don’t feel too many qualms about going behind her back to marry another woman, very likely because he knows full well that she either has no option to leave him, or because she herself loves him deeply and would rather remain with him despite the deep emotional suffering he inflicts on her. Is that really the kind of man you want to marry?
   Be aware that the reality of polygyny is a far cry from “he’s a good guy who just can’t leave his first wife because of X-Y-Z.” A man who will truly be a good polygynous husband will have the courage to be open about his reasons for it without trotting out cliché lines that depend upon playing on women’s emotional needs and insecurities.
2. Be Honest With Yourself. Just as men need to be honest about their pursuit of polygyny, so must women. The assumption is that women considering poly are already aware of what it entails and are prepared for it. The reality is not so. Too often, women have unrealistic expectations or ideas about how poly will work – that they will be the ‘favorite’ wife, that they will be able to handle any hurdles (emotional or otherwise) that come their way, and that they will be able to have the best of both worlds, marriage and singlehood alike.The reality is far more complex. Marriage in and of itself is not easy – add polygyny into the mix, and it holds its own challenges.
   Women must realize that men have emotions as well, and that the husband’s relationship with the first wife is not simplistic but deeply layered with years of love, loyalty, and shared experiences. While one naturally expects that a first wife would feel a great deal of jealousy and emotional turmoil, the truth is that second wives do as well. Ask yourself – can I really handle knowing that he truly loves his first wife? Am I happy to know that he loves his first wife, or do I feel threatened?
   To be a successful polygynous wife, a woman must be able to face her fears, admit to her insecurities, and work hard to grow and improve as a person. Confidence, strong self-esteem, and a realistic perspective will go a long way in making polygyny easier to adjust to. Clinging to unhealthy ideals or unrealistic expectations is a surefire recipe for dragging down the relationship from the moment it begins.
   This is not to say that being confident and realistic will completely remove all negative emotions – but it will make difficult situations a great deal more manageable. So again, be honest with yourself and if you find it difficult to even stomach the idea of the other wife… just don’t do it.
3. Be Straightforward. When speaking to a married man with a view to entering into a polygynous relationship with him, be aware of red flags and don’t be afraid to call him out on them. If he refuses to tell his first wife about his intentions before he marries you, find out why. Often, the excuse is that “it will be too difficult on her if I tell her now; I’ll just wait until we’re married so that she can’t do anything about it.”Again, ask yourself – do you really want to marry the type of man who doesn’t have the courage to be honest with his wife about a decision that will completely change her life (and not necessarily in a good way)? A man of principle and honor will have enough respect for his first wife to tell her up front, even if he knows that she won’t be happy about it.
   In fact, I would go so far as to say that if you intend on being a second wife, ensure proof that the first wife knows about it. Insist on speaking to her directly, and do so with the sincere intention to be as considerate as possible – not to rub it in that her husband is looking for another wife.
   Some first wives may know about their husband’s polygynous intentions, but do not have interest in speaking to potential co-wives; others appreciate the transparency and consideration, and prefer to be involved. Find out what your potential co-wife is like, and deal with her accordingly and with consideration… but do not be complicit in deception.
   As well, do your best to make sure that he is financially capable of maintaining you without withholding or taking away resources from his first wife and children (if he has any). There are some men who will take advantage of welfare or social benefits in order to take on additional wives, or force one wife to work against her will in order for her to be able to survive financially. Ensure that the man you are considering for marriage is a man of decency and honor who fulfills his role as a qawwâm in the best possible manner.
   The above points are just some of what should be seriously considered by any woman who is seeking to enter polygyny as a second (or subsequent) wife. From the get-go, one must be willing to put aside foolish idealism and recognize that reality is far from a fairy tale. While there’s certainly nothing wrong with being optimistic or hopeful, Muslims should make an effort to do as the Prophet œ advised: Trust in Allah and tie your camel. (Tirmidhi)
   There are further considerations that women must also be aware of when thinking about polygyny, not only with regards to herself and the man she might marry, but to the woman he is already married to as well. Part 2 of this article will discuss this in further detail, inshâ’Allah.