The Trauma of Motherhood

Motherhood is so beautiful, women are told, even before they have become women. Motherhood is what we are meant for. Motherhood is part and parcel of our womanhood. Motherhood will, sooner or later, define us.

What they do not tell us is that for so many of us, motherhood is trauma. It is the loss of ourselves as we are subsumed by the creature growing within us. It is the loss of control over our own bodies, the loss of sleep during pregnant days and colicky nights, the loss of our intimate selves in exchange for cracked nipples and wombs that never stop aching. It is the loss of safety in being able to confide to our loved ones, who stare at us in horror at our ugly confessions.

We are the walking wounded, the mothers with bleeding hearts and emptied wombs, the mothers whose minds are on the verge of breaking. We are the women whose souls are frozen in fear - for we are told that we are weak, impatient, failures as believing women.

Only Allah knows our agony, when everyone else refuses to see or hear our pain.

{And We have enjoined on humankind [goodness] to their parents. Their mothers bore them in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and their weaning takes two years. Give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination.} (Qur'an 31:14)

{And We have enjoined upon humankind, to their parents, good treatment. Their mothers carried them with hardship and gave birth to them with hardship…} (Qur'an 46:15)

When the Qur'an speaks of motherhood, it is not with words of false sweetness, nor promises of unbridled joy. Instead, Allah speaks to us with the rawness of our own experiences: wahnun 3ala wahn; hamalat'hu karhan wa wadha3at'hu karhan… weakness and pain upon weakness and pain. The word "karhan" shares the same root as the word "karaaha" - something that is hated. The pain that a mother experiences is unimaginable, a pain that anyone would hate to experience - and yet, it is what women endure, over and over again.

The greatest of all women, Maryam bint Imraan ('alayhassalaam), cried out during labour, "Would that I had died before this, and had been forgotten and out of sight!" (Qur'an 19:23)

The burden placed on Muslim women to experience motherhood - to perform motherhood - as the completion of her feminine identity and epitome of self-worth, as the measure of her womanhood and of her spirituality, is a burden that we do not find in the Qur'an and Sunnah.

How then do we have the audacity to place this burden on women?

The trauma that so many Muslim women experience from motherhood is exacerbated by the lack of empathy, compassion, and mercy shown to them. There is a culture of romanticizing motherhood in a way that even our foremothers would not recognize - a demand that all pain be willed away, that no sign of discomfort be shown, that a mother should smile and express only joy and radiance.
There is no place for women who struggle with pregnancy, who spend each second overcome by sickness that is more than just physical; for women who find themselves impregnated against their wills, for women whose bodies treat the fetus within them as a parasite rather than a gift; for women who hold their newborn infants and feel nothing but emptiness; for women whose despair blocks out any other emotion.

In the face of this pressure, so many Muslim mothers find themselves even more overwhelmed than they already were. The struggle to perform motherhood 'the right way', when they don't have the basic support that they need, leads to trauma being magnified. Many mothers find themselves trapped with imposter syndrome, despairing at their lack of maternal competence, convinced that at any moment, the full extent of their perceived failures will be revealed - and their shame made public.

When women are going through wahnun 3ala wahn, our role is not to judge them, to shame them, or to tear them down. Our role - men and women alike - is to recognize in these struggling mothers the Words of Allah, to honour them, to support them, and to provide them what they need to regain their strength in every way. Our role is to be their awliyaa, their companions and their comfort; our role is to give them the love they so desperately need, in this time of pain and hardship and difficulty that we cannot even begin to fathom.

ArRahman recognizes the pain that every mother's rahm feels - and so should we.


In Canada, 23% of new mothers reported feelings consistent with either post-partum depression or an anxiety disorder. Those under the age of 25 had the highest rates of such feelings compared to any other age group. In various Asian countries, such as Pakistan, the percentage of mothers experiencing postpartum depression can be as high as 63%.


https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/190624/dq190624b-eng.htm

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3939973/ 

Wahn 'alaa Wahn

Amongst the many reasons that Allah described what a mother goes through as "wahn 'alaa wahn" is that the process of reproduction is one that is both physically and emotionally devastating.

In a best case scenario, a woman is married to a good man who loves her and takes care of her, has a strong support system, and access to medical and social resources.
But it is still her body which is being used to keep this new creation alive - for 9 months of pregnancy, during which her own bodily resources are drained; during childbirth, which is one of the most severe traumas a human body can experience in the course of a normal lifetime; and for 2 years more, when she breastfeeds and is the sole or primary caretaker of the child.

But in a worst case scenario? Or even a less-than-absolute-worse-case scenario?
There are numerous women forced into pregnancy against their wills, with men who do not care about their well-being. They have no support network, are expected to maintain certain duties regardless of their health, likely have other children whom they are responsible for, and may even be expected to contribute to the household financially or with physical labour. Access to birth control, abortion, or basic medical resources is limited or non-existent.
Pregnancy is used as a form of control over women. Numerous women stay in abusive relationships "for the kids"; they are reluctant to leave without their children and are often threatened with the idea of their children being taken away from them; they are also impregnated in order to make them less mobile and even more financially dependent. And, of course, the risk of maternal mortality is ever-present, moreso in some areas than others.

If all this sounds outlandish to you... it's likely because you are not a woman, or are privileged enough to be oblivious to these realities of numerous women around the world.

The process of reproduction is not a joyride, or something that most women engage in with ulterior motives or as an advantage to be wielded over men.
Rather, it is an experience that not only irrevocably changes our bodies, but impacts our lives permanently in every other way as well - with devastating outcomes for those who cannot afford the privileges of a healthy relationship or the medical, emotional, and material resources required to guarantee a basic level of stability.

Dead or Alive: an Islamic Understanding of Abortion

What is abortion?

Medically, the term ‘abortion’ refers to the termination of a pregnancy before it is viable. However, as this is a broad definition that includes miscarriages (which is when the pregnancy ends spontaneously or due to natural causes), the more specific term and definition is ‘induced abortion’: the deliberate interruption of the pregnancy.

The legal status of abortion, and conditions and restrictions on it, vary from country to country and even state-to-state in some countries.

In Canada, abortion first became liberalized in the 1960s; it later became legal without restriction or conditions and was considered to violate the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms to force a woman to carry a pregnancy to full term against her will.[1] It should be noted that doctors do have the right to conscientious objection.[2]

Despite the lack of legal restrictions on abortion in Canada, 90% of abortions in Canada take place during the first trimester, just over 9% take place between 12 and 20 weeks, and 0.4% take place after 20 weeks.[3] These late term abortions take place primarily because the fetus is gravely or fatally impaired, or the woman’s life or physical health is at risk, or both (Statistics Canada, 2003).

Thus, the idea that removing any legal restrictions on abortion would result in a flood of women abruptly choosing to terminate their pregnancies is clearly a false one. Regardless of the faith or reasons for undergoing abortion, the vast majority of women who do choose to go through with it, do so with full understanding of the seriousness of the decision.

The United States of America has significantly more restrictions on their abortion laws. Abortion was made legal in the United States in 1973 in the famous landmark case of Roe vs Wade. However, unlike in Canada, the Supreme Court ruled that individual states were allowed to place their own restrictions with regards to physician and hospital requirements, gestational limits, funding, parental involvement, and more.

[4] 41 out of 50 states have restrictions that prohibit abortion after a certain number of weeks, ranging from as early as 6 weeks to as late as 28 weeks.[5] Regardless of the legal restrictions, however, 89-92% of all abortions take place within the first trimester.[6]

Abortion laws in the Muslim world are varied.

In Malaysia, abortion is legal within very strict and certain parameters – namely, in cases where the mother’s life is at risk, and if the pregnancy is injurious to the mental and physical health of the mother. Both cases require a qualified doctor’s testimony.[7]

In Pakistan[8], Egypt[9], and Iran[10] abortion is illegal with the sole exception of the mother’s life being at risk or severe medical complications with the fetus.Abortion in Tunisia, however, was legalized in 1965; it is available upon request at any time within the first trimester. After this gestational period, “an abortion may be performed when there is a risk that the health or mental balance of the mother will be compromised by the continuation of the pregnancy or a risk that the unborn child will suffer from a serious disease or infirmity.”

[11] Neighboring Algeria permits abortion for the preservation of the mother’s physical and mental health, only with the testimony and involvement of a qualified doctor.[12]

Turkey permits abortion up until the 10th week, with conditions such as spousal consent, and strong reasoning such as risk to the mother’s physical or mental health, conception due to incest or rape, and serious socio-economic factors.[13] [14]

The Status of Children in Islam

Before one talks about abortion in Islamic Law, one must first be aware of Islam’s overall stance regarding family values and having children.

One of the most well-known ahadith that emphasizes having children is the following:

Abu Dawood (2050) narrated that Ma’qil ibn Yazaar (may Allah be pleased with him) said: A man came to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: “O Messenger of Allaah, I have found a woman who is from a good family and is beautiful, but she does not bear children; should I marry her?” He told him not to. Then he came to him a second time and said something similar and he told him not to marry her. Then he came to him a third time and said something similar and he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Marry the one who is loving and fertile, for I will be proud of your great numbers.”
Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Irwa’ al-Ghaleel, 1784.[15]

{Wealth and children are the adornment of the life of this world. But the good righteous deeds that last, are better with your Lord for rewards and better in respect of hope.} (18:46)

Scholars have also stated that that having children is one of the purposes of marriage, and one of the objectives of the Shari’ah is the preservation of lineage and offspring[16].

Due to this, the default attitude held by Islamic scholars is always that having children is something encouraged and that it should not be prevented (by either birth control or abortion) as much as possible, except for ‘legitimate reasons.’ Such legitimate reasons are usually considered to be of a medical nature, although more scholars have become understanding of other factors such as psychological well-being and even personal choice or preference (although the latter is still quite rare in terms of being taken as a serious basis for such decisions).

With that in mind, there is still room for discussion on the topic of abortion in Islamic Law. Islam does not outright forbid abortion at all, regardless of circumstances; rather, there are a few general principles that are held and referred to. For example, the preservation of life is considered to be one of the major Maqaasid ashShar’iah (objectives of Divine Law) – not only that of a fetus, but primarily, of the mother of that fetus. However, as with every other aspect of the Shari’ah, extenuating circumstances are considered on a case-by-case basis.

The Beginning of Life

The Qur’an and Sunnah have both mentioned details regarding embryology.

{And certainly did We create man from an extract of clay.
Then We placed him as a sperm-drop in a firm lodging.
Then We made the sperm into a clot of congealed blood; then of that clot We made a (foetus) lump; then we made out of that lump bones, and clothed the bones with flesh; then we developed out of it another creature. So blessed be Allah, the best of creators!} (Qur’an 23:12-14)

Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) ,the true and truly inspired said, “(The matter of the Creation of) a human being is put together in the womb of the mother in forty days, and then he becomes a clot of thick blood for a similar period, and then a piece of flesh for a similar period. Then Allah sends an angel who is ordered to write four things. He is ordered to write down his (i.e. the new creature’s) deeds, his livelihood, his (date of) death, and whether he will be blessed or wretched (in religion). Then the soul is breathed into him. So, a man amongst you may do (good) deeds till there is only a cubit between him and Paradise and then what has been written for him decides his behavior and he starts doing (evil) deeds characteristic of the people of the (Hell) Fire.

And similarly a man amongst you may do (evil) deeds till there is only a cubit between him and the (Hell) Fire, and then what has been written for him decides his behavior, and he starts doing deeds characteristic of the people of Paradise.”  (Sahih Muslim)

There have been many detailed analyses of the Qur’an and Sunnah’s description of the creation of human life, and how they correspond to modern medical discoveries and knowledge of embryology.[17] However, it is sufficient for the scope of this article to note that the scholars have summarized the stages of fetal development as the following:

1. Three stages of forty days each, beginning with the ‘alaqah, then the nutfah, and then the mudghah, thereby completing one hundred and twenty days before the soul is blown into the fetus.
2. One stage of forty days, during which the zygote develops into the stages of ‘alaqah, nutfah, and mudghah, followed by ensoulment at the completion of forty days; the fetus will then grow and be considered a living being.[18] [19]

This distinction is necessary in order to understand the two fiqhi stances on the permissibility of abortion in extenuating circumstances. The presence of the soul is what establishes the Shar’i difference between an abortion (ijhaadh) that does not require the payment of diyah (blood-money), and killing (qatl) that does require the diyah.

Those who follow the first opinion, that the soul is blown into the fetus at the end of one hundred and twenty days, believe that it is not sinful to abort before that period of time, if the reasons for doing so are legitimate.[20] However, to abort after ensoulment is considered categorically prohibited except in the case of the mother’s life or death.[21]

Those who follow the second opinion, that the soul is blown into the fetus at the end of forty days, believe that to abort after that is sinful if for any reason other than life or death of the mother[22]; even if that is the case, diyah is still necessitated.[23]
The following is a brief summary of scholarly opinions on the issue of aborting before forty days, with and without specific conditions:

Some scholars are of the view that it is permissible to abort the fetus before forty days, and others are of the view that it is haraam (prohibited).

Among those who regard it as permissible, Ibn al-Humaam al-Hanafi said in Fath al-Qadeer (3/401): Is it permissible to abort it after becoming pregnant? It is permissible, so long as no features have begun to appear.

It may be that what they meant by features appearing is when the soul is breathed into the fetus, which happens after one hundred and twenty days of pregnancy. Or it may be that what they meant is the appearance of features even though the soul has not yet been breathed into it, which does not happen before eighty days of pregnancy, and most likely occurs at ninety days.

In Haashiyat Qalyoobi wa ‘Umayrah (a Shaafa’i book) (4/160) it says: Yes, it is permissible to abort it, even by using medicine, before the soul has been breathed into it, unlike what al-Ghazaali said. End quote.

Al-Mardaawi said in al-Insaaf (a Hanbali book) (1/386): It is permissible to take medicine to abort a nutfah. That is stated in al-Wajeez. Ibn al-Jawzi said in Ahkaam al-Nisa’: It is haraam. It says in al-Furoo’: The apparent meaning of the words of Ibn ‘Aqeel in al-Funoon is that it is permissible to abort it before the soul is breathed into it. He said: There is some validity in this view. End quote. Shaykh Taqiy al-Deen said: It is better for a woman not to use medicine to prevent the sperm from taking its course. End quote.

Among those who do not allow it, al-Dardeer said in his commentary on Khaleel (a Maaliki book) (2/266): It is not permissible to expel the maniy from the womb even if that is before forty days, and once the soul has been breathed into it, it is haraam according to consensus. End quote.

Al-Ramli said in Nihaayat al-Muhtaaj (a Shaafa’i book) (8/442): al-Muhibb al-Tabari said: The scholars differed concerning the nutfah before forty days, and there are two views. It was said that it is not proven that it comes under the same ruling as abortion and infanticide, and it was said that it is protected and it is not permissible to harm it, and it should not be expelled after it has settled in the womb, unlike ‘azl (coitus interruptus) which occurs before it reaches the womb.

Al-Ghazaali referred to this matter in al-Ihya’ and said, stating that ‘azl is unlike the former case: This is not like abortion and infanticide because those are offences against a living being.  The first stage of existence is when the sperm reaches the womb and mixes with the woman’s water, so harming it is an offence. If it has become an ‘alaqah or a mudghah, then the offence is more serious, and if the soul has been breathed into it and it has become a human being then the offence is even worse. Then he said: It is unlikely that it is not forbidden. End quote.

To sum up, the scholars’’ differed concerning this issue, so you should not do that unless there is a good reason, so that you will avoid falling into haraam (prohibited) and will be on the safe side with regard to your religious commitment.[24]
In the next parts of this series, we will discuss abortion rulings according to Islam, why women go for abortion and abortion amongst Muslim women.

Stay tuned..

[1] http://www.nafcanada.org/legal-abortion-ca.html

[2] https://www.med.uottawa.ca/sim/data/Abortion_Law_e.htm

[3] http://www.arcc-cdac.ca/postionpapers/22-Late-term-Abortions.PDF

[4] https://www.guttmacher.org/state-policy/explore/overview-abortion-laws

[5] http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2013/06/18/us/politics/abortion-restrictions.html?_r=0

[6] http://abort73.com/abortion_facts/us_abortion_statistics

[7] https://www.womenonwaves.org/en/page/4880/abortion-law-malaysia

[8] https://www.womenonwaves.org/en/page/4848/abortion-law-pakistan

[9] https://www.womenonwaves.org/en/page/4991/abortion-law-egypt

[10] https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/population/abortion/Iran.abo.html

[11] www.un.org/esa/population/publications/abortion/doc/tunisia.doc

[12] https://www.womenonwaves.org/en/page/4751/algeria–abortion-law

[13] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abortion_in_Turkey

[14] https://www.womenonwaves.org/en/page/5129/abortion-law-turkey

[15] https://islamqa.info/en/13492

[16] http://www.dar-alifta.org/Foreign/ViewArticle.aspx?ID=499&CategoryID=3

[17] http://jima.imana.org/article/view/5985/38_3-2

[18] Islam and Abortion; Shafi A. K. Lodhi

[19] http://www.call-to-monotheism.com/alleged_contradiction_between_qur__n__22_5__and_embryology__by_islamtoday

[20] https://islamqa.info/en/42321

[21] https://islamqa.info/en/13319

[22] http://www.amjaonline.org/fatwa-83806/info

[23] https://islamqa.info/en/82026

[24] https://islamqa.info/en/85046

The Joys of Motherhood

The reason that Jannah lies under the feet of mothers isn't because it's easy or because our 'feminine natures' simply incline towards it.

The reason Jannah lies under the feet of mothers is because it is one of the most painful and unpleasant jobs in the world.

From pregnancy and its assorted conditions - everything from morning sickness to gestational diabetes to depression so severe that it leads to suicidal thoughts or impulses - to the first few months of sleep deprivation, the agonies of breastfeeding, post partum depression; from the toddler years of having a child drain you of your bodily fluids, waking you up every night and at monstrous hours of the early morning clawing at your face or screaming for inexplicable reasons (and no, children don't only cry because they're hungry, sick, or need a diaper change; very often they cry because they want nothing but your undivided attention for absolutely no reason other than to sadistically test your sanity); to the years when you must spend each day grimly trying to educate them and raise them as well-mannered and respectful human beings despite their insistence on acting like ungrateful brats...

THAT is mothering. That is the daily reality - and it is not to be glossed over or shrugged off or required for us to hastily add, "But of course I love my kids and it's very rewarding."

For some people, sure, motherhood is fabulous and all they've dreamed of from life. And that's great... for them.
For so many others, especially Muslim women who have had it drilled into them that motherhood is their ultimate spiritual accomplishment, it is absolutely not fun. You don't get a daily spiritual rush or spiritual growth on a regular basis simply by keeping your spawn alive. You just don't.

So please, for the love of God, can we stop romanticizing motherhood?

It has become so painfully cliche in talks and lectures and workshops to celebrate motherhood, to revere it, to speak about every woman's maternal instinct as a gift and blessing from God and that being a loving mother is how we shall earn His Pleasure... to the point that when Muslim mothers do finally break down and confess that there are days, weeks, even months that they hate it with a passion - they are vilified for being unnatural or damaged or corrupted, they are told that they are less than good Muslim women, that they are severely lacking in faith and fitrah.

Enough of it.

Our motherhood should be celebrated not only in terms of the perceived "joys" and "beauties" of having children, but because of the sheer agony of it. Our pain needs to be recognized and acknowledged in terms of more than "your kids can't pay you back for even one contraction from labour." Such phrases lose meaning when in the next breath, mothers are berated for not being absolutely perfect, for not being sacrificing more of themselves (for either their children or their husbands), for wanting *more* from their lives than motherhood.

Jannes lies under the feet of mothers not because motherhood is wonderful, but because most of the time, it's not.
And there is nothing wrong with saying that.

...

I find it fascinating that there are people (often, Muslim men) who feel incredibly threatened by women who choose to speak honestly about their experiences, whether those experiences are regarding marriage, divorce, motherhood, or otherwise. To me at least, it seems as though there's a terror that once more women realize that they *can* speak truthfully & openly about their realities, that they'll no longer feel as pressured to endure oppression, injustice, or even just unhealthy social attitudes that have been constantly enforced.

With motherhood especially, it has been almost a part of our "Muslim culture" to tell women that their worth lies in their fertility, & that their honour comes from (solely) being mothers. The implication is that outside of maternity, we have no real worth or honour - the concept of a Muslim woman existing as an individual with her own sense of 'izzah & karam is nonexistent.

Curiously, a woman - a mother - who decides to speak about motherhood as anything other than the greatest (and most flawless) experience of her life, is seen as insulting or cursing motherhood, & is herself made the target of vilification. After all, how dare she destroy the carefully cultivated fiction that has been force-fed to Muslim women, with significant effort placed on tying their self esteem to motherhood!

To speak of motherhood openly is not to deny its station of honour in our Islamic traditions - if anything, it emphasizes to us *why* Allah has given mothers such a significant status in His Sight.
We're not being rewarded for sunshine & roses, we're being honoured for the pain both, physical & emotional, for the strength that is required from beginning to end, for all that we find ourselves sacrificing - for His Sake.

To speak of the brutal experience of motherhood is not equivalent to insulting it or putting it down. It is to acknowledge that it is a Jihad of its own, that every mother is a mujaahidah whose war never ends, that Jannah is attained by the blood, sweat & tears that we shed.

I for one will not lie, to other women or my daughters. Motherhood is not easy. Motherhood is not for everyone. Yet should it be decreed for us (because, contrary to what many people imagine, it is not always a choice for women), then know that it is a brutal, painful, agonizing, noble position of honour & responsibility.

Motherhood is not merely to conceive & to birth, but to raise, to love, to suffer, to endure, to seek Allah's Pleasure every step of the way.

Women do not need to constantly reassure men that we "love" motherhood (loving our children doesn't automatically mean that we're thrilled with all the grit and grime that accompanies it).
Men have no right to tell us that a baby's first steps or words make it "worth it" or somehow make up for everything we go through. Those moments are blessings, but they are not the reward itself. To be frank, many mothers can't even remember those moments later on.

There is literally only one thing that makes it worth it: Jannah.

And that is precisely what we are promised, if we are able to keep sight of and work towards the end goal of our entire existence - the Pleasure of Allah and His Reward.

My Khul', My Freedom

Almost three years ago today, I fought for my right to receive a khul’… and received it. It was painful and exhilarating all at once; I was twenty-two years old, I had been married for almost four and a half years, and I had a three-year-old daughter. I had asked for khul’ three times in the span of about a year, and each time I had been denied.

This last time, I stood my ground – and finally received what I knew to be my Shari’ah right.

The ‘iddah (or waiting period before being permitted to re-marry) of khul’ is only one menstrual cycle, unlike that of talaq or widowhood. Whereas a woman who has been given a talaq is obliged to stay within her husband’s home, I– being a woman who had chosen to leave the marriage– left my then-husband’s home as well, and spent that time with my family instead.

The night I received my khul’’, my tears were of relief, excitement, and joy. The next morning, as I sailed on the ferry that would take me back to my grandparents’ home, I buried my face in my best friend’s shoulder and wept for all that had passed.

My ‘iddah lasted all of two weeks, and it was a period of time marked by numerous emotions, a flash flood of exhilaration and anger, sorrow and jubilance, shattering uncertainty about the future, and a sense of renewal for my life. Every sajdah was filled with an overflowing sense of gratefulness that I had been given this opportunity that so many other women are denied; every rak’ah was performed with an aching heart and guilt at what I had chosen to do.

I wish I could say that I used my ‘iddah as a time of thoughtfulness and reflection, of heightened spirituality and increased maturity, but to be honest… to be honest, I was mostly just giddy with excitement. After four and a half years, it was a huge relief to be able to be myself again; to be able to laugh out loud, to wear a pair of shoes I liked, to be able to speak my own opinions without being censured or punished for being ‘a bad wife.’

For those two weeks, though I chafed at being kept indoors by my family, I spent a significant portion of my time simply making lists of all the things I couldn’t wait to do as soon as my ‘iddah was over.

My ‘iddah was a time where I felt like I was able to rediscover myself: remembering the person I really was behind the layers of anxiety and depression and the innumerable restrictions that had been placed on my own personality. I was able to write freely again, as though someone had removed a muzzle from my heart and mind; I could speak with honesty, instead of choosing my words based on what a certain individual wanted to hear; I could finally make choices for myself again, as a grown woman, and not someone whose existence was tied to the demands of someone else.

My identity as a Muslim woman was no longer dependent on being someone’s obedient wife; my future in the Hereafter was not hinged on another human being’s mood swings. I was, for the first time in my life (or so it felt), a grown woman whose spiritual status was a matter solely between herself and her Lord.

It was divorce, not marriage, which brought me closer to Allah and filled me with a strength of sincerity that I had not experienced in a long, long time.

When my ‘iddah ended, the first thing I did was go for a walk, hand in hand with my three-year-old daughter, retracing the neighborhood steps of my childhood and adolescence. It was here that I felt my life had come almost full-circle; here was the place that I had always felt happiest, where I had anticipated my future with eagerness, where I had experienced the early, simple struggles of adolescence and felt myself growing into the type of person I hoped to be. Now, once again, I felt the same joy and excitement, the same growing pains and the sense of discomfort that accompanies true change.

I tipped my head back towards the sun, and smiled.

{So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny?} (Qur’an 55:13)

Zainab Bint Younus (the Salafi Feminist) is a Canadian Muslim woman who tries to write thoughtfully about women of Islamic history and positive polygyny when not ranting against the patriarchy. Having sought divorce at the age of 22, she maintains that it was one of the best decisions of her life (tied with her choice to enter into polygyny and live happily ever after with her husband and best friend).

Archie, Betty and Veronica: America's (Polygynous) Sweethearts

Archie, Betty, and Veronica: 

America's (Polygynous) Sweethearts

Polygyny is so often presented as a strange, Eastern concept rooted in misogyny and chauvinism... yet few realize that polygyny has existed in Western culture for decades, flaunted right under everyone's noses.

Archie comics were a staple of hundreds of thousands of North Americans' upbringing - and, unbeknownst to many, are a perfect example of a positive, heterosexual polygynous triad.

Betty and Veronica are best friends both in love with the same man; two women whose minor rivalries for Archie's attention and fights over his affection never destroy their friendship. If it looks as though Archie might be distracted by another woman (in particular the nefarious Cheryl Blossom), Betty and Veronica unite to remind him very strongly of which two women are the only ones he should be paying attention to.
Though they might squabble over fashion, hobbies, and who Archie is on a date with that night, Betty and Veronica are also loyal to each other and love each other dearly. Many a comic strip has ended with the two of them spending time with each other instead of with him, proving that loving the same man doesn't mean being unable to love 'the other woman.'

Archie, for his part, can never make up his mind and choose one over the other. His love for Betty and his love for Veronica is certainly not the same, yet no one can say that he truly favours one over the other. He appreciates each woman for her own unique personality (and of course, physical appearance). He stumbles and bumbles between the two, torn by the expectation of having to choose when he obviously *can't*... and really, why should he have to?

Archie, Betty and Veronica are possibly one of the best and most realistic portrayals of ‪#‎positivepoly‬, one which recognizes natural human emotions that are not narrowed and restricted solely to rabid jealousy or unrealistic adoration. From the close friendship between the two women to their unwillingness to give up on Archie, these three characters have proven that through thick and thin, their mutual love for each other can withstand the test of time. There’s really nothing quite like a consensual heterosexual polygynous triad, after all ;)

 wink emoticon

The Almost-Polygynous Woman's Checklist, Part 2

DESPITE THE NEGATIVE perception of polygyny that is widespread amongst Muslims and non-Muslims alike, more and more Muslims – including women – are actively pursuing polygynous marriages. The reasons behind this are varied:

• For some women, their status as divorcees or single mothers marks them in the community as less eligible for a monogamous husband.
• Others may be older women who have not been previously married, whether out of choice or otherwise, and who do not feel the need for a ‘full time’ husband.
• Still others may be younger without any children or past marriages, but simply see polygyny as a viable option that they are comfortable with.

Regardless of their personal reasons for entering polygyny, there still remains a dearth of advice geared towards women seeking this option. While Part 1 mentioned points related to what a woman should be aware of when first considering polygyny or speaking to a prospective husband, Part 2 focuses on addressing commonly occurring patterns observed amongst some polygynous women.

1. Drop the Attitude. Unfortunately, there are numerous woman who intend on entering polygyny, yet hold negative and even aggressive attitudes from the get-go.

• “It’s my right to marry a married man,” some say, sounding an awful lot like married men who insist on their right to marry other wives (regardless of their circumstances).
• “I don’t need her permission to marry him!” others cry, deriding the first wife. “Why should I care how she feels? It’s my life and I’m not doing anything haram.”
• Even worse are those who enter polygyny with the intention of causing the man to divorce his first wife so that she (the second) can have him all to herself.Such mentalities completely lack compassion and consideration, which are basic traits that every true Muslim should have. If someone is determined to enter into a polygynous marriage, they must also remember that Allah loves the muḥsinîn – those who strive to live their lives according to a standard of excellence, knowing that even if they cannot see Allah, He sees them.A woman who is about to enter poly should be acutely aware that her upcoming marriage is not just about herself and her husband-to-be: another woman’s life will be drastically changed and impacted by this new relationship. The advent of, and commitment to, polygyny has serious effects on the first marriage; both the husband and the first wife will be going through a great deal of emotional change, as individuals and as a couple. The first wife in particular will experience great difficulty, especially if she is not 100% happy with the idea of polygyny in the first place.Ideally, polygyny should not be something that any woman is coerced or forced into; it should be something entered into with the consent of all parties involved. Many argue that it is not an Islamic requirement for the first wife to know or for her permission to be given, but it is an Islamic requirement that the husband be just with his wives – and how can he really be just between them if he is engaged in deception and emotionally harming at least one of them?Too many Muslims live their lives according to whether something is their Islamic ‘right’ or not; too few Muslims live their lives according to a higher standard of iḥsân(excellence), dealing with others in a manner that displays greatness of adab (manners) and akhlâq (character).

2. Be Committed. Usually it is assumed that men are those who enter polygyny without being completely committed – that is, having an attitude of “We’ll see how this goes,” sometimes with the effect of ending the second marriage quickly when the pressure from his first wife, or other factors, get to be too much for him to handle.The idea that the first wife is the only one to whom he should really be committed to is unfortunately bolstered by certain scholarly comments, including the statement that the first wife is the one who fulfills the Sunnah, whereas others are merely considered to be merely accumulations of the Dunya (material world).However, things have changed somewhat in that this attitude is no longer limited to men alone. There are now women who are also adopting this attitude – that polygynous marriage is not as serious as monogamy, that they can just ‘try it out’ and if it doesn’t work the way they want it to, then they can leave it behind without much thought.What is completely disregarded is that polygyny isn’t just about one person – it impacts, at minimum, two other people; namely, the husband and the first wife. If there are children involved, they too will be affected. Choosing to walk out on a polygynous marriage almost as soon as one has entered into it displays a complete lack of consideration for the others involved.What few think about is how polygyny has affected the first marriage, before, during, and after the second marriage has taken place. The husband as well as the wife go through emotional changes that have long-lasting consequences – even and especially in the case of a man who has made the effort to undertake polygyny in the best and most honorable manner possible.
   The first wife, even if she has no serious objection to her husband remarrying, will still experience some degree of emotional turmoil. That is only natural. The husband himself will find himself struggling to process emotions that he has never had to go through before, in addition to the adjustment of establishing a relationship with the second wife.
   Women who take polygyny lightly and don’t view a polygynous marriage as a relationship deserving of utmost commitment, need a reality check. Marriage, whether monogamous or polygynous, is a serious undertaking. Leaving a polygynous marriage abruptly without thinking about the effects it will have on others, is quite frankly selfish. (Note: This does not apply in cases of abuse.)
   Thus, any woman thinking about polygyny should first take a good, hard look at her intentions: Are you ready to view this relationship as being just as serious and deserving of commitment –in every way– as a monogamous marriage is? Are you ready to be understanding of the fact that polygyny is something that affects others besides yourself, and to behave accordingly, even (and especially) during difficult times?
   If not, then perhaps polygyny is not for you.

3. A Co-Wife Contract. The relationship between co-wives is often the butt of various polygynous jokes. It is often solely defined in the light of jealousy, anger, and overwhelming negativity, with the first wife being characterized as high-strung and overly-emotional, and the second wife as being malicious and determined to ‘win’ the rivalry.More and more, though, there are women who no longer want to play these ill-fated roles; increasingly, women are considering the radical idea that co-wives can have a positive relationship with each other, as friends and genuine sisters in Islam rather than despising each other’s existence.Of course, there are also those who prefer to maintain a certain level of distance rather than become best friends overnight, and that’s okay. Not every woman will have the same constructive feelings towards her co-wife, and that should be recognized and respected.Nonetheless, it is still important to discuss and lay out the ways in which co-wives can establish and maintain a relationship of positivity. While one would think that things like being kind to each other and not harming each other are obvious points that are founded in the basics of Islam, it’s unfortunate that not everyone thinks things through clearly when it comes to polygyny.Hence the idea of a co-wife contract. A contract between a husband and wife is known to be a part of any Islamic marriage, but what about considering a contract between co-wives? Technically, Islam permits contracts –agreements– between parties for almost any reason (so long as it does not involve anything ḥarâm), and further, considers the honoring of contracts to be a very serious matter.

• The benefits of a co-wife contract would lie not only in the terms laid out, but especially in opening up the conversation between co-wives. All too often, husbands try to keep their wives apart with the mistaken assumption that distance will make things easier for them, rather than making it more difficult.The truth is that not letting the women meet and speak with each other actually gives more room for fitnah – both women will find themselves wondering what the other woman is like, how beautiful she is, what her personality is like that makes her so ‘special’ that their husband chose to marry her (or remain married to her), and so on.

• Another benefit to meeting and composing a contract between co-wives is so that they –and their husband– can discuss their ‘poly vision.’ That is, how do they want their polygynous lifestyle to be set up? What will their system be – how many days will the husband spend with each of them, which days will go to whom? Where will they live, what is the greatest distance they are able to manage, and how will it affect the husband’s time with each wife? Will they visit each other regularly, or not at all? How will they handle conflict? Will the children from either woman have a relationship with the other, and if so, how will that relationship be nurtured?
• Most important is laying out the absolute fundamentals of how they will treat each other: to remember and acknowledge that they are sisters in Islam who love for each other what they love for themselves. There should be a point of pledging to honor and respect each other; to have goodwill towards the other woman and her marriage to their husband; never to use their own marriage against the other’s, to cause ill feelings, or to behave maliciously with each other. They should recognize each other as part of the same family, and treat each other accordingly.

Being able to articulate these points makes it much easier to process the emotional and life changes that polygyny inevitably causes, and to flesh out a healthy co-wife relationship.

Having a co-wife contract also adds a dimension of seriousness to the discussion. Pledging to commit to the ideas and goals expressed within it results in all parties involved being held accountable not only to each other, but directly to Allah: an oath that one will have to face consequences for if broken.

Though I’ve referred to it as a ‘co-wife contract,’ this does not mean that the husband has no part in it. The husband should also be included –and wives who are concerned about things like finances or serial re-marriage can include conditions such as ensuring access to bank accounts or stipulating that in the event of divorce, the husband should wait a full year before considering polygyny again.

In the end, the main goal is to facilitate communication and honest discussion between co-wives and their shared husband, and an Islamically recognized safeguard against possible (and sadly common) misuses and abuses of polygyny.

These, then, are some of the most necessary pieces of advice for women who are thinking of entering polygyny as second or subsequent wives –according to my own observations and experience, that is. My hope is that rather than relying upon stereotypes and clichés, and rather than being negatively influenced by the many sad stories of polygyny gone wrong, Muslims can finally have access to resources that promote a healthier polygynous model and lifestyle.

Polygyny was made permissible by Allah for a reason, and while it has been misused by far too many people for far too long, there are also many great benefits that it has to offer to women as well as men.

May Allah guide us all to living according to a standard of ethics and behavior that is pleasing to Him, and grant us success and happiness in our marriages and families. Âmîn.