A Father's Advice

In the days when the pious walked the streets hand-in-hand with the penitent; and men veiled their faces out of modesty, knowing that their majesty could oft be too much temptation for the lioness-women who loved them, a wise father sat with his son on the night before his marriage.

"My son," he said tenderly, his beard streaked grey with the wisdom of his years, "Were it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice due to good manners and noble descent, then my words would be worthless, for you carry both within you. Yet this will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful and provide wisdom to the foolish."

“My son, if a man were able to do without a wife by virtue of his mother's care and his need for his mother's love, then you of all men would be most able to do without a wife: but men were created for women, just as women were created for men."

“My son, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to enter a new home, to a companion with whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you, she has become your queen - so be like a noble attendant to her, and she will become a noble attendant to you."

"Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision for you in times of need, and a blessing for you in times of joy:

The first and second of them are: be content in her company, and listen to and please her, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and pleasing one's wife brings peace to one's heart.

The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; she should not see anything ugly from you, and she should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best most masculine of adornment to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.

The fifth and sixth of them are: provide her with food on time, and keep quiet when she is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing her sleep will destroy her well-being.

The seventh and eight of them are: take care of her servants and children, and be grateful to her, for she bears your children, and she sacrifices her body to feed them and care for them. Taking care of her servants and children shows that you are responsible towards her, and expressing your gratefulness to her shows that you are appreciative to her for her heart and her body. 

The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of her secrets, and never insult her or dismiss her; for if you disclose any of her secrets, you will never feel safe from her possible betrayal, and if you insult her, her heart will be filled with hatred towards you.

Be careful, my son, of showing joy in front of her when she is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of her when she is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment whilst the latter will make her unhappy."

"Verily, these are the wisdoms passed down from father to son: the words which, if followed, make a boy into a man, a rash youth into a worthy husband. No home will rent asunder, nor heart feel distress, so long as the young warriors of our tribe take these words to their chests, held closer than armour, more precious than any spoils of war."

- Tuhfat al-Arees, Naseeha lil Shabaab

The Best of Men

"The best of you are those who are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3895; Ibn Maajah, 1977; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi

This hadith is often quoted in marriage talks, conferences, and articles, light-heartedly reminding husbands to pick up their socks or buy some flowers for their wives on their way home from work.

While this may earn some laughs and a guilty resolution to be more thoughtful towards their wives, this hadith tends to be brushed off as being very general and more of a vague reminder than anything else. Even when the hadith is discussed in a little more detail, we find that most teachers tend to apply it in a rather limited way – by mentioning that the Prophet (pbuh) used to do chores around the house, or be affectionate with them.

However, this hadith has far more depth to it than we realize – when we look at the Prophet’s (pbuh) relationship with his wives, we see that when he meant he was the ‘the best… to wives’ – he reallymeant ‘the best.’

The Prophet’s (pbuh) marriages with his wives were unique because not only did he have nine wives, but he had a wonderful relationship with them all. If one wants to know what a marriage expert looks like, we need look no further than the seerah (biography of the Prophet) itself. So what is the secret behind being the best husband?

We know that the Prophet (pbuh) married women of different ethnicities, from the Qurayshi noblewomen Khadijah bint Khuwaylid and Zaynab bint Jahsh, to the Jewish princess Safiyyah bint Hu’ayy; women of different personalities and temperaments, such as the high-spirited A’ishah bint Abi Bakr and Hafsah bint ‘Umar, and the calm, unruffled dispositions of Maymunah bint al-Harith and Umm Salamah. He was married to women as young as A’ishah and as elderly as Sawdah bint Zam’a; widows and divorcees, businesswomen, scholars, and mothers.

His relationship with every woman was unique, and each relationship was beautiful – and when we read about how he interacted with each and every one of them, we see that one of the defining characteristics he had, which ensured the success of his marriages, was emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is defined as the “capacity of individuals to recognize their own, and other people's emotions, to discriminate between different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior.”

To have emotional intelligence is not so much a rare skill or complex ability, but simply the capacity to have compassion and empathy with those whom with one interacts, and to respond to them accordingly.

In a marriage, emotional intelligence can be summed up in the following ayah:

And of His signs is this: He created for you helpmeets from yourselves that ye might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy. Lo! herein indeed are portents for folk who reflect. [Qur’an 30:21]

The Prophet (pbuh) expressed his emotional intelligence, his capacity for love and mercy towards his wives, in numerous ways. When he was married to Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her), he already knew of her impressive career as a businesswoman managing her own caravan of traders. Rather than feeling slighted or insecure by the fact that he worked for her, and that it was her wealth supporting him financially, he never once expressed resentment – rather, he never stopped praising her and expressing his appreciation of her support for him.

A’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) narrated that when she once made a snide comment about Khadijah, the Prophet (pbuh) responded vehemently in her defence:

“No, by Allah! Allah did not replace her with any better woman. She believed in me when people disbelieved, she supported me with her wealth when people denied me their material aid, and Allah blessed me with children from her while I was denied children by other women.”

In a time when more and more Muslim women have impressive careers of their own, and are sometimes earning higher incomes than their husbands, the Prophet’s (pbuh) appreciation and love towards Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) is an example to Muslim husbands who may find themselves struggling with insecurities regarding their financial situations in comparison to their wives. Instead of making it a problem in the marriage, husbands can learn to use emotional intelligence to acknowledge that the size of one’s pay cheque is not a reflection of their masculinity (or lack thereof) and that it is not a reason to have a less than stellar attitude towards their wives.

The Prophet (pbuh) was also a man who was always ready to comfort his wives. On one occasion, he was traveling with his Companions and his wife Safiyyah (may Allah be pleased with her), when her camel became weak and began to fall behind. Frustrated at the distance between herself and her husband, Safiyyah began to weep. When the Prophet (pbuh) noticed that she was no longer next to him, he turned back to find her, and when he found her crying, he wiped her tears away himself and immediately looked for another camel. Rather than being annoyed or frustrated with her, the Prophet (pbuh) demonstrated his emotional intelligence by providing her with comfort, affection, and reassurance – thereby solidifying their relationship and increasing the love between them even more.

As for helping around the house, the Prophet (pbuh) did far more than just wash a couple of dishes or pick up dirty socks.

Narrated Al-Aswad:

I asked 'Aisha what did the Prophet use to do at home. She replied. "He used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was time for the prayer, he would get up for prayer." (Bukhari)

Aisha reported:

“I was asked, “What did the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, do in his house?” I said, “The Prophet was a man among men. He would remove fleas from his clothes, milk his sheep, and serve himself.” (Musnad Ahmad 25662, authenticated by alAlbani)

These ahadith are self-evident: rather than waiting to be served by his wives, the Prophet (pbuh) would take the initiative to serve them and to take care of whatever domestic tasks he was able to do. An emotionally intelligent husband doesn’t take the casual approach of ‘well, I folded my own clothes last week, so I’m good’; he looks at his home, acknowledges what tasks need to be completed, and tries to lighten his wife’s workload without being even more of a burden. The point of this is not to ‘prove’ what a good husband one is and then bring it up repeatedly later on in defense of other bad habits – it is to sincerely develop a positive relationship with one’s wife. Most women, if not all, deeply appreciate it when husbands contribute by doing chores – it is a sign of respect and self-responsibility, a sign that the husband doesn’t view his wife as a maid, but as an individual whose passion does not lie solely in doing laundry or mopping floors.

Finally, the Prophet (pbuh) was a man who recognized the potential in his wives and encouraged them to fulfill that potential. Hafsah bint ‘Umar (may Allah be pleased with her) was a woman of intelligence, and the Prophet (pbuh) wanted to foster that intelligence rather than stunt it. Once, a woman named ashShifa bint Abdullah, one of the few literate individuals of Medinah at the time, was visiting Hafsah and discussing medicine with her. The Prophet (pbuh) entered the home during their conversation, and noting Hafsah’s interest, he immediately told ashShifa to teach Hafsah both literacy and the healing arts.

Each and every one of these stories highlights just what it meant when the Prophet (pbuh) commanded the men of his Ummah to be the best they possibly could be towards their wives. The standard for best husband has already been set – to be humble and appreciative, to be loving and comforting, to being helpful and supportive – and when one considers the beautiful ways in which the Prophet (pbuh) exemplified these qualities on a daily basis, it really isn’t so difficult.

May our husbands fulfill the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and prove themselves to be amongst the best of men, ameen.

The Almost-Polygynous Women's Checklist (Part 1)

DISCUSSIONS ABOUT POLYGYNY amongst Muslims tend to be quite stilted and repetitive – the same old tired mantras regarding a man’s “right” to take on other wives; that enduring the situation with patience is a first wife’s jihâd; that polygyny is a cure-all to half the Ummah’s social issues, from poverty to the divorce rate to single moms.

Rarely, however, are women–those who choose to go into polygyny as second or other subsequent wives—given advice on what they’re getting into. Amongst average Muslims who don’t necessarily have many positive associations with polygyny, second wives are viewed in a pretty harsh manner – as little more than secret mistresses, home-wreckers, and simply selfish.

The truth is more complex, however. In some cases, the women don’t even realize that they are second wives until after they get married, and only then are they informed (or sometimes, find out accidentally) that their husband already has another family. In other cases, it is an unfortunate reality that some women enter polygyny with the full knowledge that the first wife is completely unaware of what the husband has done.

Sadly, Muslims seem mired in unhealthy models of polygyny that are founded upon a lack of honesty, transparency, and consideration for others who will be impacted by the new marriage(s). There is little out there to provide practical advice on how one can begin a polygynous marriage and maintain it in a positive manner that seeks to embody the concept ofiḥsân (excellence) with regards to all parties involved.

Hopefully, one step in drawing closer to promoting healthier polygynous relationships is the following advice, from one polygynous woman to those who are considering polygyny or have already decided to enter it.

1. Don’t Be Naïve. Many women who think about entering polygyny as second or subsequent wives do so while being oblivious to the reality of polygynous life.One common trend is that men seeking other wives will attempt to woo the prospective spouse by telling her that he doesn’t ‘really’ love his first wife, that he’s only remaining married to her for the children/family, or that there is something deficient in the first wife that has led him to seek another woman. He will convince her that she will be the wife he truly loves, the only one he really cares for.
   This is a lie. Don’t fall for it.
   The truth is that these men are married to their first wives for a reason – if the situation were truly all that bad, he most likely would have divorced her already. Rather, he already has a solid and established relationship with his first wife; in most cases, the emotional bond that he has with her is such that he will never consider actually leaving her.
   Even so, such men often don’t feel too many qualms about going behind her back to marry another woman, very likely because he knows full well that she either has no option to leave him, or because she herself loves him deeply and would rather remain with him despite the deep emotional suffering he inflicts on her. Is that really the kind of man you want to marry?
   Be aware that the reality of polygyny is a far cry from “he’s a good guy who just can’t leave his first wife because of X-Y-Z.” A man who will truly be a good polygynous husband will have the courage to be open about his reasons for it without trotting out cliché lines that depend upon playing on women’s emotional needs and insecurities.
2. Be Honest With Yourself. Just as men need to be honest about their pursuit of polygyny, so must women. The assumption is that women considering poly are already aware of what it entails and are prepared for it. The reality is not so. Too often, women have unrealistic expectations or ideas about how poly will work – that they will be the ‘favorite’ wife, that they will be able to handle any hurdles (emotional or otherwise) that come their way, and that they will be able to have the best of both worlds, marriage and singlehood alike.The reality is far more complex. Marriage in and of itself is not easy – add polygyny into the mix, and it holds its own challenges.
   Women must realize that men have emotions as well, and that the husband’s relationship with the first wife is not simplistic but deeply layered with years of love, loyalty, and shared experiences. While one naturally expects that a first wife would feel a great deal of jealousy and emotional turmoil, the truth is that second wives do as well. Ask yourself – can I really handle knowing that he truly loves his first wife? Am I happy to know that he loves his first wife, or do I feel threatened?
   To be a successful polygynous wife, a woman must be able to face her fears, admit to her insecurities, and work hard to grow and improve as a person. Confidence, strong self-esteem, and a realistic perspective will go a long way in making polygyny easier to adjust to. Clinging to unhealthy ideals or unrealistic expectations is a surefire recipe for dragging down the relationship from the moment it begins.
   This is not to say that being confident and realistic will completely remove all negative emotions – but it will make difficult situations a great deal more manageable. So again, be honest with yourself and if you find it difficult to even stomach the idea of the other wife… just don’t do it.
3. Be Straightforward. When speaking to a married man with a view to entering into a polygynous relationship with him, be aware of red flags and don’t be afraid to call him out on them. If he refuses to tell his first wife about his intentions before he marries you, find out why. Often, the excuse is that “it will be too difficult on her if I tell her now; I’ll just wait until we’re married so that she can’t do anything about it.”Again, ask yourself – do you really want to marry the type of man who doesn’t have the courage to be honest with his wife about a decision that will completely change her life (and not necessarily in a good way)? A man of principle and honor will have enough respect for his first wife to tell her up front, even if he knows that she won’t be happy about it.
   In fact, I would go so far as to say that if you intend on being a second wife, ensure proof that the first wife knows about it. Insist on speaking to her directly, and do so with the sincere intention to be as considerate as possible – not to rub it in that her husband is looking for another wife.
   Some first wives may know about their husband’s polygynous intentions, but do not have interest in speaking to potential co-wives; others appreciate the transparency and consideration, and prefer to be involved. Find out what your potential co-wife is like, and deal with her accordingly and with consideration… but do not be complicit in deception.
   As well, do your best to make sure that he is financially capable of maintaining you without withholding or taking away resources from his first wife and children (if he has any). There are some men who will take advantage of welfare or social benefits in order to take on additional wives, or force one wife to work against her will in order for her to be able to survive financially. Ensure that the man you are considering for marriage is a man of decency and honor who fulfills his role as a qawwâm in the best possible manner.
   The above points are just some of what should be seriously considered by any woman who is seeking to enter polygyny as a second (or subsequent) wife. From the get-go, one must be willing to put aside foolish idealism and recognize that reality is far from a fairy tale. While there’s certainly nothing wrong with being optimistic or hopeful, Muslims should make an effort to do as the Prophet œ advised: Trust in Allah and tie your camel. (Tirmidhi)
   There are further considerations that women must also be aware of when thinking about polygyny, not only with regards to herself and the man she might marry, but to the woman he is already married to as well. Part 2 of this article will discuss this in further detail, inshâ’Allah.