Our Men's Pain

As much as I rail on about what Muslim women face, I do want to take a moment to say that many of us don't recognize that many Muslim men go through heartache, racism, discrimination, painful marriages & even more painful divorces, and so much more.

Women suffer because of toxic masculinity, but men are the first victims of it - when their own sense of self is battered and broken almost from infancy. There are very few men who are raised to understand and implement true qiwamah - with all the positive attributes of masculinity rather than merely the outward trappings.

Regardless, Muslim men go through so much on a daily basis, in ways that we almost never even think of. Mental health, physical health, self esteem, spirituality, family pressures, struggling to break away from certain types of cultural programming... as women, we are often so focused on the pain that we face constantly, that we don't recognize the pain that our men go through.

And while it is, in a way, socially acceptable for us to air our grievances - at least amongst ourselves - men don't always have that luxury. In so many cases, Muslim men find themselves being reamed out in public and in private, with few places to turn for emotional support - including from their spouses.

And yes, we women complain that our men don't understand & support us emotionally, but we don't realize that while we often have safe spaces to turn to other women & find consolation, our men rarely do. Sometimes, just sometimes, we need to be there for them the way we have others who are there for us.

Allah describes spouses as garments for each other, as those with whom we should find tranquility, & while I (& others) spend an awful lot of time berating men to be that type of spouse, we need to remember that those ayaat apply to us too. Being a supportive wife isn't just about cooking his meals & popping out his kids; it's also about setting aside our own egos and being willing to listen and to comfort and to support. You don't even have to agree with him, but you can certainly make him feel that he isn't on trial from the moment he opens his mouth.

Our men are strong, but they aren't invulnerable. They screw up, but they're not (all) villains. They're (usually) upholding the patriarchy, but they're not always misogynistic. They are human & crave the sweetness of the human experience just as much as we do. Often, they are wounded & hurting far more than we can imagine, & yet take on still more for the sake of their parents, their wives, and their children.

These men are, in many ways, #TrueQawwam even if they are not perfectly so.

#AndNowBackToOurRegularlyScheduledProgramOfTakingDownThePatriarchy

The Best of Men

"The best of you are those who are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3895; Ibn Maajah, 1977; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi

This hadith is often quoted in marriage talks, conferences, and articles, light-heartedly reminding husbands to pick up their socks or buy some flowers for their wives on their way home from work.

While this may earn some laughs and a guilty resolution to be more thoughtful towards their wives, this hadith tends to be brushed off as being very general and more of a vague reminder than anything else. Even when the hadith is discussed in a little more detail, we find that most teachers tend to apply it in a rather limited way – by mentioning that the Prophet (pbuh) used to do chores around the house, or be affectionate with them.

However, this hadith has far more depth to it than we realize – when we look at the Prophet’s (pbuh) relationship with his wives, we see that when he meant he was the ‘the best… to wives’ – he reallymeant ‘the best.’

The Prophet’s (pbuh) marriages with his wives were unique because not only did he have nine wives, but he had a wonderful relationship with them all. If one wants to know what a marriage expert looks like, we need look no further than the seerah (biography of the Prophet) itself. So what is the secret behind being the best husband?

We know that the Prophet (pbuh) married women of different ethnicities, from the Qurayshi noblewomen Khadijah bint Khuwaylid and Zaynab bint Jahsh, to the Jewish princess Safiyyah bint Hu’ayy; women of different personalities and temperaments, such as the high-spirited A’ishah bint Abi Bakr and Hafsah bint ‘Umar, and the calm, unruffled dispositions of Maymunah bint al-Harith and Umm Salamah. He was married to women as young as A’ishah and as elderly as Sawdah bint Zam’a; widows and divorcees, businesswomen, scholars, and mothers.

His relationship with every woman was unique, and each relationship was beautiful – and when we read about how he interacted with each and every one of them, we see that one of the defining characteristics he had, which ensured the success of his marriages, was emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is defined as the “capacity of individuals to recognize their own, and other people's emotions, to discriminate between different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior.”

To have emotional intelligence is not so much a rare skill or complex ability, but simply the capacity to have compassion and empathy with those whom with one interacts, and to respond to them accordingly.

In a marriage, emotional intelligence can be summed up in the following ayah:

And of His signs is this: He created for you helpmeets from yourselves that ye might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy. Lo! herein indeed are portents for folk who reflect. [Qur’an 30:21]

The Prophet (pbuh) expressed his emotional intelligence, his capacity for love and mercy towards his wives, in numerous ways. When he was married to Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her), he already knew of her impressive career as a businesswoman managing her own caravan of traders. Rather than feeling slighted or insecure by the fact that he worked for her, and that it was her wealth supporting him financially, he never once expressed resentment – rather, he never stopped praising her and expressing his appreciation of her support for him.

A’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) narrated that when she once made a snide comment about Khadijah, the Prophet (pbuh) responded vehemently in her defence:

“No, by Allah! Allah did not replace her with any better woman. She believed in me when people disbelieved, she supported me with her wealth when people denied me their material aid, and Allah blessed me with children from her while I was denied children by other women.”

In a time when more and more Muslim women have impressive careers of their own, and are sometimes earning higher incomes than their husbands, the Prophet’s (pbuh) appreciation and love towards Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) is an example to Muslim husbands who may find themselves struggling with insecurities regarding their financial situations in comparison to their wives. Instead of making it a problem in the marriage, husbands can learn to use emotional intelligence to acknowledge that the size of one’s pay cheque is not a reflection of their masculinity (or lack thereof) and that it is not a reason to have a less than stellar attitude towards their wives.

The Prophet (pbuh) was also a man who was always ready to comfort his wives. On one occasion, he was traveling with his Companions and his wife Safiyyah (may Allah be pleased with her), when her camel became weak and began to fall behind. Frustrated at the distance between herself and her husband, Safiyyah began to weep. When the Prophet (pbuh) noticed that she was no longer next to him, he turned back to find her, and when he found her crying, he wiped her tears away himself and immediately looked for another camel. Rather than being annoyed or frustrated with her, the Prophet (pbuh) demonstrated his emotional intelligence by providing her with comfort, affection, and reassurance – thereby solidifying their relationship and increasing the love between them even more.

As for helping around the house, the Prophet (pbuh) did far more than just wash a couple of dishes or pick up dirty socks.

Narrated Al-Aswad:

I asked 'Aisha what did the Prophet use to do at home. She replied. "He used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was time for the prayer, he would get up for prayer." (Bukhari)

Aisha reported:

“I was asked, “What did the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, do in his house?” I said, “The Prophet was a man among men. He would remove fleas from his clothes, milk his sheep, and serve himself.” (Musnad Ahmad 25662, authenticated by alAlbani)

These ahadith are self-evident: rather than waiting to be served by his wives, the Prophet (pbuh) would take the initiative to serve them and to take care of whatever domestic tasks he was able to do. An emotionally intelligent husband doesn’t take the casual approach of ‘well, I folded my own clothes last week, so I’m good’; he looks at his home, acknowledges what tasks need to be completed, and tries to lighten his wife’s workload without being even more of a burden. The point of this is not to ‘prove’ what a good husband one is and then bring it up repeatedly later on in defense of other bad habits – it is to sincerely develop a positive relationship with one’s wife. Most women, if not all, deeply appreciate it when husbands contribute by doing chores – it is a sign of respect and self-responsibility, a sign that the husband doesn’t view his wife as a maid, but as an individual whose passion does not lie solely in doing laundry or mopping floors.

Finally, the Prophet (pbuh) was a man who recognized the potential in his wives and encouraged them to fulfill that potential. Hafsah bint ‘Umar (may Allah be pleased with her) was a woman of intelligence, and the Prophet (pbuh) wanted to foster that intelligence rather than stunt it. Once, a woman named ashShifa bint Abdullah, one of the few literate individuals of Medinah at the time, was visiting Hafsah and discussing medicine with her. The Prophet (pbuh) entered the home during their conversation, and noting Hafsah’s interest, he immediately told ashShifa to teach Hafsah both literacy and the healing arts.

Each and every one of these stories highlights just what it meant when the Prophet (pbuh) commanded the men of his Ummah to be the best they possibly could be towards their wives. The standard for best husband has already been set – to be humble and appreciative, to be loving and comforting, to being helpful and supportive – and when one considers the beautiful ways in which the Prophet (pbuh) exemplified these qualities on a daily basis, it really isn’t so difficult.

May our husbands fulfill the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and prove themselves to be amongst the best of men, ameen.

The Double Standards of Desire

“Brother, the fitnah! It’s too difficult! If I don’t get a second wife right now, I’m going to do the haraam!”

This statement is not only common to hear amongst Muslim men, but acceptable as well. Guess what, bros – polygyny isn’t the solution to your all-important male arousal. And really, let’s face it… you can’t afford a second wife to begin with. So if your first wife won’t compromise some of her basic Shar’i rights in order to cater to your libido, what are you going to do, hire a prostitute? Watch porn? Really? Are you that desperate for ‘variety,’ when at the end of the day – as RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said – your wife has the exact same thing the other woman has?
Newsflash: Your physical desire isn’t the center of the universe.

Now how about we stop for a moment and consider the flip side. Oh, I know what you’re thinking – what flip side? Women can’t possibly understand what men go through; women don’t have anywhere near the levels of libido or triggers of desire… do women even have desire, really?

If you ever bothered to ask a woman, she’d tell you – hell yes. We know all too well what you’re going through, because the fitnah we go through is just as bad. It is, perhaps, even worse when you consider the fact that so many Muslim leaders perpetuate the idea that women don’t experience any sexual fitnah to begin with.

For every Muslim man who complains about the fitnah of other women, they don’t realize that Muslim women are going through the exact same thing… if not worse.

Muslim women are groomed from young adulthood to believe that their role as wives is all-encompassing: to take care of a husband spiritually by waking him up for Fajr, to take care of him physically by cooking and cleaning for him, to take care of him by fulfilling his need for progeny by bearing his children, and to take care of him sexually by being always, constantly sexually attractive and available.

A woman who is not perfectly coiffed, waxed, and shaved is responsible for any illicit sexual desires that he may be troubled by; a man who develops a potbelly and showers a couple times of a week within the first few years of his marriage is considered perfectly normal and ‘a good guy’ as long as he remembers to take out the trash.
While Muslim men complain that their wives don’t match up to the Hollywood actresses paraded before their eyes, they don’t stop to think that they in turn don’t match their wives’ standards of attractiveness either.

Even before marriage, Muslim women can expect very little of their male cohorts; Muslim men, it seems, are not raised with the some of the basic grooming standards that many nonMuslim men (especially today with the hipster and lumberjack craze) have picked up on. Whether it has to do with a sense of dress, hygiene, or beard grooming habits (the only reason so many Muslim women appear to be repulsed by beards is because of how poorly Muslim men keep them), nonMuslim men these days far exceed Muslim men in the basic necessities of looking decent. Many Muslim men seem to think that they deserve praise for wearing clean socks and putting on deodorant.
NonMuslim men are also raised in an environment where – with all its other unpleasant realities acknowledged – they are expected to put in some effort in wooing a woman. From at least high school onwards, they’re taught the basics: dress well, smell good, bring some flowers, and take the woman out somewhere nice. The woman is given the sense that she is wanted and that the man is willing to make an effort to be desirable to her in return. In short, there is a courtship ritual.

For all that people make snide comments that the only reason nonMuslim make any effort whatsoever in either grooming themselves or how they conduct themselves with women, is because they want to get laid – well, duh. That is precisely the point. NonMuslim men do all these things without a guarantee of having sex after all that work; Muslim men have a guarantee from their wedding night onwards that they will never, ever be turned down for sex (and if they are, then the angels are right there to curse those disobedient women)… and yet make little effort to maintain even a simple level of physical attraction.

Every Muslim woman has been through the cringe-worthy experience of listening to a pot-bellied imam lecturing them on how to be attractive to their husbands – and inevitably rebuking them for not doing enough to spare them from ‘the fitnah.’

Now imagine, if you will, the following scenario instead:
“Shaykh, the fitnah is too much… my husband is no longer attractive to me, he is overweight and doesn’t try to look good for me. If I can’t be sexually satisfied soon, I’m going to do the haraam!”

I’m pretty sure we can all agree that the response would be a collective outburst of self-righteous rage: “AstaghfirAllah sister, how dare you say such a thing! Have modesty and do not allow Shaytan to whisper to you in such horrific ways!”

There is little to no acknowledgment whatsoever of the sexual fitnah Muslim women experience when faced by well-groomed, courteous nonMuslim men in contrast to the men they are either married to, or can look forward to marrying – the type who either make a (painfully) half-hearted attempt in university before abandoning themselves to early onset uncle-hood, or those who assume that being religious means never daring to emasculate themselves by grooming their beards.

Few, if any, will stop to mention that Ibn Abbas (radhiAllahu ‘anhu) used to brush his teeth, comb his beard and hair, and scent himself before going home. When asked why he did so, he retorted, “For my wife! I like to beautify myself for her just as I like her to beautify herself for me.”

Rather, the idea that women need to be physically attracted to their spouses appears alien amongst many Muslims today. The idea that women need to find their husbands sexually alluring is almost bizarre. And it is precisely because of this refusal to acknowledge Muslim women’s sexual needs within their marriages, that the dangerous door to sexual fitnah outside of their marriage exists.
Neither men nor women are immune to sexual fitnah – it is a desire that exists in all human beings, not solely within one gender. Women have eyes that see as much as men do; women have desires that exist just as men do, even if that desire is considered socially unacceptable to voice. Unlike men, women do not have the option of marrying more than one husband… so it could be said, perhaps, that there is more of an onus on men to please their wives and be physically attractive and sexually available to them than is commonly purported.

So please, for the sake of your womenfolk – Muslim men, please do more than take a shower.

The Queen of Sheba

The story of Sulayman ('alayhissalaam) and the Queen of Sheba ('alayhassalaam) stands out in my mind because of how beautifully she is described in the Qur'an and how dignified the interaction between her and Sulayman is. Bilqees' intellect, wisdom, and quick wit are highlighted - as is her willingness to accept truth.

What really catches my attention is that when she declares her Islam, she says it in the following terms: {"My Lord, indeed I have wronged myself, and I submit with Solomon to Allah, Lord of the worlds."}
There is no arrogance whatsoever - no stubbornness or reluctance to admitting previous wrongdoing, just honesty. As well, she submits with Sulayman ('alayhissalaam) to Allah - the submission of equals before their Lord. There is a sense of dignity to it all, a powerful aura of respect.

What's really amazing about how Allah tells the story in the Qur'an is that it ends with her declaration of faith in Him, with such grace. A lot of people turn it into a romance story or argue that she gave up her queendom to Sulayman, but none of that is even hinted at in the ayaat that speak about her.

Allah so clearly brings our attention to a woman who had both power & wisdom; who didn't allow herself to be swayed by fear, but who was determined to make her decisions based upon actual experience. She demonstrates to us the attitude that we should all have - a willingness to go out there and seek knowledge and experience for ourselves; to be cautious but not stubborn; open-minded but not easily dazzled... and above all, the ability to acknowledge that we have done wrong, and to turn to Allah with a heart full of faith and repentance - and dignity.

The Queen of Sheba is the perfect example of how submitting ourselves to Allah does not bring us down, but simply raises us higher.

The relationship between Sulayman (as) and Bilqees (as), as hinted at from that final declaration of Bilqees, also encapsulates (to me) the ideal relationship between men and women; that they both be seen as individuals capable of authority, and of humility at the same time. Most importantly, that each party respects the other - acknowledging their strengths and seeking only to assist each other in improving as human beings, and above all, to support each other in turning to Allah and worshiping Him alone.

The image we are left with in the Quran is that of Sulayman & Bilqees, king and queen, submitting themselves equally as slaves to Allah alone. How much more beautiful could their relationship be?

...And the male is not like the female.

The ayah "And the male is not like the female" is so often used to tell women to shut up - to tell them not to question injustices committed against them, to remain silent when their Shar'i rights are stripped from them, to accept ill treatment & flimsy excuses instead of legitimate explanations for 'scholarly' sayings & rulings issued that only harm women.
In truth, the Divine words '& the male is not like the female' is meant to emphasize that the differences between male & female shouldn't be viewed as some kind of validation for the marginalization of women, but to celebrate the fact that men & women alike were created uniquely.

These differences are to be appreciated, not mocked; these differences are meant to be used in tandem with each other so that the genders can complement each other & support each other to build a beautiful, holistic environment wherein *everyone* benefits - not just one group.

Wa laysath-thaka ka'l untha: Female input is required in all spheres of life because we have insights that men may never be able to come up, yet for women, they are clear and obvious, a part of our everyday lives. There is wisdom & benefit in our differences.
Allah mentions our differences to remind us that we need each other - not that we must work against each other. We are meant to appreciate each other and grow in love for each other.

It is heartbreaking to see the ayah used so often to shut women up - whether about poly, inheritance, Jannah, or anything else, we aren't given thoughtful answers & explanations, but expected to fall silent & accept attitudes & authority that are clearly incorrect.

Though the words were said by Maryam's mother in anguish & worry over not being able to fulfill her oath, Allah gave those words a greater meaning: that Maryam, a female, was not like a male - if Himnah had had a son instead of a daughter, then history would have been very, very different.

Yet those words, which should remind us of the greatness of women & our role in our Deen, are used instead to humiliate us & marginalize us on an almost daily basis.

The 'fitnah' that men face is claimed to be greater than any oppression, injustice, or temptation that women face - bc 'we aren't the same.' Why not pause for a moment and think about how indeed, we aren't the same - in so many ways, the fitnah women face is so much greater.
Sex? Money? Power? Women suffer in so many ways because of them, yet we are consistently told that our desires don't matter; our access to finances is unnecessary, & we have no authority outside the domestic sphere; to seek any of the above is to 'try & be like men.'
The idea that we are merely trying to be seen as full-fledged humans with all the needs & necessities associated, appears alien to so many of our men - even the 'good' ones, the ones who don't intend us harm, the ones who don't intend injustice, yet who have heard 'the male is not like the female' for so long and in all the wrong ways, that they refuse to believe women when we beseech them to understand how indeed, the way we are not like them is because we are hurt so much more than them.

It grieves me, and it infuriates me, that to be a Muslim woman today who seeks to live in accordance to her Lord's words, according to a standard of justice and excellence, is to be accused of corrupting the Divine faith itself. God forbid that we point out how others have done a far more potent job at corrupting the Deen, with disastrous consequences for half the Ummah.

But no...the male is not like the female & so, the female must suffer for the corrupted power that the male wields not only over her, but over all of society.

Lollipops, Hijabs, & the 'Ideal Muslimah'

Regarding those who think that the lollipop/hijab analogy isn't a big deal, or that people who object to it simply don't get the point of analogies:

1) We understand what analogies are. We understand their uses. We also understand that there is such thing as a good analogy, and a bad analogy.
(Examples of bad analogies:
http://www.jimcarlton.com/bad_analogies.htm
http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/5-morons-who-pulled-offensive-analogies-out-their-ass/)

2) The lollipop analogy is particularly offensive because of what it implies. The image shows a wrapped lollipop - i.e. a woman in hijab, who is ostensibly clean and undamaged - and an unwrapped lollipop that is covered in dirt and surrounded by flies - i.e. a woman not in hijab, who is dirty and attracting filth (men).

Even if one plays along and agrees to the premise that hijab is primarily (or solely) to protect women from men, the analogy is still quite dangerous. Why? Because a hijabed 'lollipop' is considered worthy and desirable, and an unwrapped lollipop is considered - literally - garbage to be discarded.
Thus, the analogy does nothing to say that a woman in hijab will be protected. It implies very heavily that a woman in hijab is desired (everyone would love a wrapped lollipop!) but that a woman who does not wear hijab is NOT desirable and is dirty and is, essentially, worthless and to be despised.

Again - even assuming that one agrees with the sentiment that hijab is about protecting women from men - this is, at the very least, a disturbing way to speak about any human being, let alone one's sister in Islam.

3) Using analogies is great to get a point across - except that we also need to recognize that the way certain analogies are used, and the context they're used in, also contribute to something more.
In the case of the lollipop analogy, it has contributed and exacerbated the attitude that hijab *is* primarily about 'warding off men', and stripping it of all other nuance and reasoning (including what Allah mentioned in the Qur'an, i.e. that it is also a form of identity for the Muslim woman, and obviously, that it is an act of worship).

Just a brief look at the comments section of these memes will show how so many Muslims - men and women alike - truly believe that hijab is the be-all and end-all definition for what a good Muslim woman is, that it is the only yardstick by which a woman's self worth or piety revolves around.

Other analogies such as the flowers and pearls/diamonds are not as offensive as the lollipop one (in that there is no equating un-hijabed women with being garbage), but still contribute to unhealthy ideas about Muslim women, their self-worth, and their role in society is (that they are *all* delicate - or should be if they aren't, and if they aren't, that they are lacking in femininite; that they are to be seen - but only in a certain way - and not heard; that they are not meant to contribute in any other capacity than a domestic one).

The lollipop one, however, remains hands-down the most disgusting and offensive analogy I have seen in terms of how it refers to women.

4) It is very, very easy for men to tell anti-lollipop folks (and I mean lollipop in the metaphorical sense, obviously) that we are exaggerating - because they themselves have never experienced firsthand what it is to be told that your entire self-worth as a human being depends on whether you are covered, how you are covered, and what you are covered with.

As an example -
I wear niqab and in the time that I once had a picture of myself on FB - in black abayah, niqab, half-gloves, a jacket, and sunglasses - I received numerous comments telling me that I wasn't wearing "real" hijab because I was 'attracting too much attention.' Despite the fact that I am a writer who posts almost daily on a wide variety of topics, people felt compelled to comment solely on on this one aspect - my image.

I found it annoying, but I have more to worry about than what people think of my image. Yet it also made me realize how much more other Muslim women go through on a daily basis - how pressured they are, how they are made to feel that their entire worth depends solely upon how they look, instead of a myriad of other factors.

5) It is necessary to know that for many, many years, a significant percentage of Islamic books and lectures about "women in Islam" pushed forward a very shallow, narrow, and restricted view of Muslim women.
The 'ideal Muslimah' was described as being a woman solely dedicated to the domestic sphere; a woman who is quiet, meek, and delicate; that her only desires revolve around her husband and her family.

There is, of course, nothing wrong whatsoever with a woman who does match that description. The problem arises when women who do *not* fit those characteristics are looked down on, viewed as and spoken about as lacking in faith and 'true femininity.' These women are considered to be inferior and less valuable as members of the Ummah, simply because they do not fit a certain definition.
Unfortunately, we forget that even the wives and female Companions of RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) varied from each other in personality and demeanour. Women such as A'ishah and Hafsah (radhiAllahu 'anhunna) were forthright and outspoken; others, such as Fatimah bint RasulAllah and Maymunah bint al-Haarith were much more demure and private. Both categories of women, both types of women, were beloved to Allah and recognized as greater than all others simply because their Taqwa was what He cared about most - not that they should have all been cookie cutter replicates of each other.

It is this history and baggage that many Muslim women carry today. We have heard these messages for so long and had them shoved down our throats to the point that many of us have questioned whether we have any worth in the Sight of Allah.

It is not enough to say that "not all men" carry such an unhealthy attitude about Muslim women, because the sad fact is that many of them - a significant proportion of them - do. What's worse is that many of them have only the best intentions and do not actually intend to be hurtful or offensive. It is precisely because of this that we should encourage a stop to the use of lollipop (and other) analogies - to help our brothers in Islam realize that such a reductive attitude does nothing to foster goodwill and harmony between Muslims, but merely exacerbates antagonistic feelings and behaviours.

Rather than spend further time arguing as to whether it is okay or not to use analogies that compare women to objects, we should be channeling our energy on how to view each other - men and women alike - as more than one-dimensional creatures whose value depends solely upon one single behaviour or item of clothing.
Instead, let us take the time to overcome our own inner biases and strive to see each other as human beings with both strengths and flaws, weaknesses and abilities. Let us try to embody the best description of believers as Allah mentioned in the Qur'an:

{The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those - Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.} (Qur'an 9:71)

Qawaamah: The Essence of Masculinity

Originally published in Al-Jumu'ah Magazine (click here)

AMONG THE SEVERAL âyât that are considered points of contention amongst Muslims and non-Muslims alike, one stands out in particular:

Al-rijâlu qawwâmûna ʿala al-nisâ’i… [Sûrat Al-Nisâ’, 4:34] [1]

Commonly translated as ‘men have a degree over them’ or ‘men are in charge over them,’ this verse is often quoted when discussing the social and domestic duties and responsibilities of each gender. While it is used to establish male authority, it is also unfortunately misused to discourage women from speaking out or seeking an end to family disputes or even abuse.

There are numerous arguments that seek to define or describe the position of a qawwâm. What, truly, is the ‘degree’ that men are given by Allah Himself?

How We Proceed

First and foremost, before looking at the specific âyah, we must establish the foundation upon which we address any issue. We can never start any discussion about the Quran without the understanding that it is complete and perfect, without fault. The Quran is a gift from Allah to all of humanity, for all time; each and every verse is a blessing, and a source of great knowledge and wisdom, the depths of which will never truly be known completely by any one individual:

This is the Book about which there is no doubt, a guidance for those conscious of Allah.  [Sûrat Al-Baqarah, 2:2]

And if whatever trees upon the earth were pens and the sea [were ink], replenished thereafter by seven [more] seas, the words of Allah would not be exhausted. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.  [Sûrat Al-Luqmân, 31:27]

The words of Allah are not to be questioned in terms of their validity – whatever has been sent down in the Quran has been truly preserved with absolute perfection:

Indeed, it is We who sent down the Quran and indeed, We will be its guardian. [Sûrat Al- Ḥijr, 15:9]

With regards to how these Divine Verses are interpreted, however, it is much more than simply taking the words of Allah and making them mean whatever we wish them to say. Whenever we find Muslims committing sins or mistakes and then trying to justify them by using the Quran or Sunnah, we must know that the fault is never with the Words of Allah or His Messenger œ. Rather, the fault lies with fallible human beings who have both good and bad intentions, and who are influenced by their own time and culture.

Rather, there is a very systematic method that has been used since the time of the Messenger Muhammad œ himself. The process begins with the tafsîr of the Quran by the Quran itself, tafsîr of the Quran by the aḥâdîth of RasûlAllâh œ, tafsîr of the Quran by the Âthâr (sayings of the Companions), and tafsîr of the Quran by linguistics.[2]

The scope of this article will be limited to reviewing the linguistic meanings of the word, and taking a brief look at extant tafâsîr regarding the verse.

Q – W – M

From a literary perspective, the word qawwâm is rich with meaning, both literal and figurative. As ʿÂishah described, it was truly lived according to its full potential by the Messenger of Allah œ, whose character was the living embodiment of the Quran.

The root letters of the word Qawwâm derive from qâf, wâw, mîm – related to Allah’s Name, Al-Qayyûm. It’s also related to the word ‘qâma’ – to stand. When ‘qâmu’ is used in the Quran, such as in Surat Al-Kahf, there is a figurative meaning to it as well; mufâssirîn have said that it means to have a strong and firm intention, to have an unshakeable commitment. [3]

Thus, when men are described as ‘qawwâm’ towards women, it is an expression of how firmly committed and dedicated they are. Shaykh Al-Sha’rawi mentioned that the qawwâm of men with women is not limited to husbands with their wives, but rather, with all men towards all women.

The most obvious examples begin at home, such as fathers with their daughters, brothers with their sisters, and even sons with their mothers. In a more general context, it is that men are expected to deal with women in a truly sincere and dedicated manner, by looking out for their best interests, interacting with them regularly, and striving to protect them and assist them.

‘Qawwâm‘ projects an attitude of nobility and dignity towards women, one which respects them as fully capable human beings. This type of mentality both emphasizes and encourages healthy social relationships that begin at home and extend to the public sphere, thus ensuring a community that cooperates on a basis of goodwill.

Another figurative meaning of the word is exemplified in the form, qâ’imah:  to be persistent; thus, the commitment of men towards women is not an occasional thing, but a regular pattern. A father’s interest in his daughter is not momentary, but consistent on a daily basis. He is truly concerned with her well-being, is involved in her upbringing, and is a source of support and happiness for her. A son does not take his mother for granted, but is attentive towards her and sensitive to her needs. A husband is attuned to his wife, understands her personality and what she goes through on a daily basis, behaves with her in a manner that embodies both honor and respect, and connects with her regularly so as to grant her satisfaction and fulfillment in their marriage.

Masculine Commitment Exemplified

This commitment and persistence is not only emotional, but one that has another goal – that of encouraging and upholding justice, and correcting an individual who may stray from appropriate speech or behavior. A qawwâm is aware of that which is both pleasing and displeasing to Allah, and is both quick and wise in how he advises and rectifies those under his care.

The best example of how a man can advise a woman is the example of RasûlAllâh œ with his wives. There were several incidents during which RasûlAllâh œ reprimanded his wives for speaking in a manner that he did not approve of. Though his approach was firm, it carried weight—not due to harshness, but due to the fact that he was already loved and respected by them because of how he conducted himself with them on a regular basis. In fact, the very way in which he would correct their behavior was such that it engendered even greater affection and awe for his character.

For example, ʿÂisha narrates the following:

A group of Jews entered upon the Prophet œ and said: “Al-Sâmu ʿAlaikum,” (i.e. death be upon you). I understood it and said: “Wa ʿAlaikum Al-Sâmu w’l-laʿn (death and the curse of Allah be upon you).” Allah’s Messenger œ said: “Be calm, O ʿÂisha! Allah loves that one should be kind and lenient in all matters.” I said: “O Allah’s Messenger œ! Haven’t you heard what they (the Jews) have said?” He said: “I have (already) said (to them): “And upon you!” [4]

Also:

[The Prophet’s wife] Ṣafiyya heard that Ḥafṣa [Ṣafiyya’s co-wife] had said [about her]: ‘The daughter of a Jew'; so she wept. Then the Prophet œ entered upon her while she was crying, so he said: ‘What makes you cry?’ She said: ‘Ḥafṣa said to me that I am ‘the daughter of a Jew.’ So the Prophet œ said: ‘And you are the daughter of a Prophet, and your uncle is a Prophet, and you are married to a Prophet, so what is she boasting to you about?’ Then he said: ‘Fear Allah, O Ḥafṣa.'”  [5]

Interplay With Emotion

Yet another facet of the word qawwâm is that it overlaps in meaning with the word thabât – steadfastness, to be reliable, to be calm and not easily swayed or agitated. In this particular meaning is a great deal of wealth to be reaped, for it is this meaning which, if embodied fully, raises men to be truly excellent in their roles as qawwâm.

To be qawwâm is to make a conscious effort to put aside strong, passionate emotion, to step back and behave in a manner that reflects maturity and wisdom. Instead of allowing himself to be overwhelmed by his feelings – whether positive or negative – a man who epitomizes thabât is one who acts in a way that doesn’t automatically incline towards his own desires or wants, but in accord with justice. As mentioned in several tafâsîr, including Tafsîr Kashf Al-Asrâr and Tafsîr Al-Qushairi, men were given the position of qawwâm specifically because they are considered to be capable of that level of responsible behavior.

Tafsîr Al-Qushairi says:

[Allah] singled out men for strength and then increased their burden, for burden is [assigned] in accordance with strength. [6]

Tafsîr Kashf Al-Asrâr elaborates further:

He [Allah] gave the men more than the women because the burden is all on them, for theirs is the perfection of strength and the eminence of aspiration. They carry burdens measurable to [their] strength or measurable to [their] aspiration…Resolutions are made measurable to the folk of resoluteness.[7]

For example, one of the reasons that men were given the power of ṭalâq was because they are expected to be mature enough not to abuse the power.

Misuse of Responsibility

Unfortunately today, we see much the opposite – where some men allow their emotions to overwhelm and control them, such that they declare divorce (ṭalâq) over petty matters, and then try to avoid the consequences by claiming that they weren’t ‘in their right minds.’

In many other common cases, men will indulge in abusing their womenfolk, whether verbally and physically or by violating their Sharʿi-rights, and claim justification because they are qawwâm and believe that they are allowed to do whatever they see fit. Too many men believe that their power is unrestricted and that they are given license to privileges without any accompanying responsibility.

In short, the position of qawwâm has been warped into a twisted sense of male entitlement devoid of consequences or obligation to others.

More coming in Qawâma: the Essence of Masculinity (2), inshâ’Allah.

———————————

[1] http://quran.com/4/34

[2] Usool al-Tafseer by Dr. Abu Aminah Bilal Philips, pages 19-23

[3] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyC_9B6L8L8

[4] http://sunnah.com/tirmidhi/42/14

[5] http://sunnah.com/urn/637820

[6]http://main.altafsir.com/Tafasir.asp?tMadhNo=0&tTafsirNo=108&tSoraNo=4&tAyahNo=34&tDisplay=yes&UserProfile=0&LanguageId=2

[7]http://main.altafsir.com/Tafasir.asp?tMadhNo=0&tTafsirNo=109&tSoraNo=4&tAyahNo=34&tDisplay=yes&UserProfile=0&LanguageId=2



http://aljumuah.com/qawama-the-essence-of-masculinity-part-1/

Refutation of Falsehood: Busting Myths About Female Sexuality

When one sees Muslim leaders attempt to take on serious and relevant issues to the Muslim Ummah such as sexually dysfunctional marital relationships, one truly hopes for the best. Alas, well-meaning though they may be, there becomes glaringly obvious a lack of knowledge and understanding regarding female sexuality.

A few claims that are being made and circulated en masse (and dangerously so) are the following:

·        Muslim women (especially from ‘conservative, practicing families’) do not really experience sexual arousal or any feelings of intense sexuality before marriage.

·        Women’s fitrah is such that they are automatically less sexual than men.

·        Muslim women are intimidated and scared by even discussions about sex prior to marriage; if a Muslim man wants to discuss it with his fiancée, he shouldn’t lest she run in the opposite direction.

·        Women don’t ‘need’ to orgasm as much as men do; their sexual feelings are minimal and what they truly seek from sexual encounters is not necessary physical pleasure, but emotional connection.

Not only are all these claims inaccurate, but to perpetuate them on a massive public forum – and by an individual with significant influence over large numbers of Muslims – is extremely dangerous due to the fact that the Muslim community already suffers from a horrific lack of knowledge and awareness about sex and female sexuality.

Despite the fact that Islamic texts fully recognize women’s sexual needs and in fact protects them as a religious right, many male Muslim leaders perpetuate cultural stereotypes about the nature of female sexuality and falsely pass them off as Islamic guidance. Such ridiculous ideas include the belief that women have a lesser need and appreciation for the physical aspect of intimacy; that they do not experience intense sexual arousal prior to marriage; and that the very idea of sex is disturbing and unnatural to them, or that they are unable to comprehend the true nature of intercourse before marriage.

In all fairness, even Western cultures and scientific thought has long held faulty and inaccurate beliefs regarding female sexuality (most famously, the views of Sigmund Freud and the Victorian phenomenon of ‘hysteria’). However, it is also true that Western society has moved along with considerable speed with regards to knowledge of female sexuality than many Eastern (and Muslim) cultures have. It must still be kept in mind, though, that the amount of studies and research collected on female sexuality is dwarfed by those about men, and that there remains a great deal to be discovered about female sexuality in general.[1]

Going back to the claims being publicly taught, there is first of all a severely erroneous conflation between the reality of culturally ingrained attitudes about sex, and the actual innate physical desires and needs that women have for sex.

While it is absolutely true that many Muslim cultures teach women unhealthy negative attitudes about sex and equate female sexual desire with being dirty or impure, this in no way actually reflects the physiological need for sex that exists in the female gender as a whole.

No matter how much cultural brainwashing women receive regarding their sexuality, most women will still inevitably experience feelings of sexual arousal at some point in their lives – and for those who do, it will generally first happen before marriage.

Furthermore, the arousal a woman feels can and does reach strong levels of intensity, including orgasm; for example, in a wet dream. This was acknowledged even by RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), who confirmed Umm Sulaym’s question regarding female wet dreams.[2] 

Even outside of wet dreams and masturbation however, women can and do feel intense sexual stimulation – anything from wearing a new pair of jeans or sitting on a massage chair. This is not to be crude, but simply realistic.[3] [4]

Nor are such experiences purely involuntary; many women are curious about their bodies and are actively aware of what stimulates them both physically and mentally (after all, the brain is the most powerful sex organ). Sexual curiosity exists in women just as it exists in men; since many girls mature physically and mentally faster than boys, they can be ahead of the game when it comes to being curious about sex.

Whether it’s reading romance novels (and anyone who thinks that girls read romance novels just for the emotional fluff is fooling themselves) or magazines like Cosmopolitan, girls crave information about both the romantic and the explicitly sexual.

Communication about sexual issues is another matter, one tied much more strongly to the aforementioned cultural brainwashing about intimacy than the idea that women have an inherent and instinctive fear or aversion to sex. Advising Muslim men to ‘just pray Istikhaarah, ya akhee’ instead of respectfully discussing or asking questions related to sex with their fiancées is harmful and, quite frankly, insulting to both the man and the woman. We should not be perpetuating attitudes of embarrassment, shame, and stigma about sexual issues but rather, encouraging men and women to approach the topic with respect, dignity, and honesty. It may be uncomfortable at first or awkward, but then, all positive growth and change is by necessity.

It is necessary to say here that a great deal of work needs to be done in training Muslim men and women on how to discuss matters related to sex and marriage in a respectful, dignified, and mature manner.

There is one final issue – the idea that women are innately ‘less sexual’ than men. While there is no denying the biological differences between men and women, including sexually, there is a big difference between recognizing the difference, and claiming that women simply aren’t as sexual.[5] More accurate would be to state that what men and women find sexually appealing and arousing, how they react to such stimuli, and the levels at which they respond to such urges differ greatly – but do not take away from the inherent sexuality of women.

It is also a fallacy to say that the sole or primary benefit or reason that women engage in sex is for an emotional connection; rather, while some women do enjoy sex more because of the emotional connection, it is not a necessary component of their actual satisfaction or orgasm. In fact, the vagina – specifically the clitoris – has thousands more nerve endings than the penis, which means that its orgasm can be correspondingly much, much more intense than the male orgasm, and contradicts the belief of those men who are convinced that women don’t really ‘feel it.’[6] [7] (Not to mention that women are capable of different types of orgasm[8] [9] [10] [11] [12]and multiple orgasms.[13])

It is worth noting that, once sexually aroused, women have a much stronger need to orgasm than men do. If they are stimulated and left unsatisfied, it causes extreme emotional upset (and significant physical discomfort). Should this become a recurring pattern, where husbands reach climax but make no effort to ensure their wives’ satisfaction, women often end up angry and resistant to being sexually available.

Psychological Haleh Banani mentions as well that women who are emotionally unsatisfied in their marriages yet are sexually fulfilled have higher rates of remaining within that marriage than the other way around. If that doesn’t underscore the point well enough, I don’t know what will.

The claim that women have fewer or less intense desires, or a somehow less important need for orgasm, is in fact an unhealthy way of minimizing female sexuality and its priority in a relationship. This takes place both amongst Muslims and non-Muslims and is a sign of how misogyny permeates our attitudes such that we automatically do not consider women to be of equal footing even in bed (and God help any woman who shows any sign of initiating sexual interest or contact!).

While the argument may go on to rage over who is ‘more’ sexual (keeping in mind that new studies continue to emerge on the topic, with sometimes paradoxical results), there is no benefit to be gained from pushing the view that women are simply less sexual beings.

In fact, it does the opposite, by telling men that they do not have to consider their wives’ sexual needs to be as important or necessary (the caveat that ‘a woman’s right to sexual satisfaction is guaranteed in Islam’ does nothing to change the final message). It is also implying to women that they should give up hope of true sexual satisfaction because it’s unrealistic and biologically unnecessary for them to experience it (but hey, all women really want are snuggles and warm fuzzy cuddles, right?).

It is high time that we begin to provide qualified individuals in the Muslim community who can discuss sex – and especially female sexuality – from a more nuanced and accurate perspective. Otherwise, Muslim leaders who take it upon themselves to talk about the subject are simply contributing to the already terrible state of Muslim intimacy, and the continued struggles of Muslim women seeking satisfaction and fulfillment in their own marriages.

What truly needs to be encouraged, emphasized, and taught is the importance of men and women alike to improve communication with their spouses about matters of intimacy. From there, it should become much easier for husbands and wives to become comfortable with their own and each others’ bodies; and for husbands to understand the various factors affecting women that may be significantly responsible for obstacles to sexual fulfillment. Just as men have their own unique preferences, levels of libido, and so on, so too are the tastes and desires of women varied and vast.

To truly seek an improvement to the sex lives of married Muslims, the first step should not be to make sweeping generalizations of female sexuality that are based on androcentric perspectives. Rather, it must be recognized that championing outdated ideas causes a great deal of harm to both men and women. A more nuanced and accurate understanding of female sexuality must be collectively pursued in order to see significant positive change in Muslim marriages.

---

[1] http://queensjournal.ca/story/2009-02-09/features/arousing-questions-about-female-sexuality/

[2] Umm Salama (Allah be pleased with her) relates that Umm Sulaym (Allah be pleased with her) came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) and said, “O Messenger of Allah, Surely, Allah is not shy of the truth. Is it necessary for a woman to take a ritual bath after she has a wet dream?” The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) replied: “Yes, if she notices a discharge.” Umm Salama covered her face and asked, “O Messenger of Allah! Does a woman have a discharge?” He replied: “Yes, let your right hand be in dust [an Arabic expression said light-heartedly to someone whose statement you contradict], how does the son resemble his mother?” (Sahih al-Bukhari 130)

[3] http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/sexual-response-cycle

[4] http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/girl-boners

[5] http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/06/turns-out-women-have-really-really-strong-sex-drives-can-men-handle-it/276598/

[6] http://www.valleyadvocate.com/2012/05/26/clit-chat-14-clitoral-factoids-to-know/

[7] http://www.science20.com/science_amp_supermodels/would_female_orgasms_kill_men

[8] http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/women-do-experience-two-different-types-of-orgasm-study-reveals-9191884.html

[9] http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/seriouslyscience/2014/03/12/really-two-kinds-female-orgasm-science-weighs/#.VPYF33zF84c

[10] https://monicasbox.wordpress.com/2012/07/15/11-different-types-of-orgasms/

[11] http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/types-of-female-orgasm

[12] http://www.buzzfeed.com/alisoncaporimo/different-types-of-orgasms

[13] http://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/how-common-are-multiple-orgasms.aspx

On Handsome Men, Women's Desire, & Umar ibn al-Khattab

There is a famous story set during the time of ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab’s khalifate regarding the man who was ‘too handsome for Medinah.’ The story is as follows:

As was his wont, ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab patrolled the streets of Medinah at night, observing the state of his community at its most relaxed and vulnerable. Passing by a house, he heard the voice of a young woman raised in longing as she recited a couplet.

هل من سبيل إلى الخمر فأشربها؟
أو هل من سبيل إلى نصر بن الحجاج

“Is there no way for me to receive wine that I may drink it? Or is there no way for me to be with Nasr ibn Hajjaj?”

Alarmed by the desperation and longing in her voice, ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab knew that he had to do something. The next day, he summoned the man known as Nasr ibn Hajjaj – and discovered that he was one of the most handsome men of Medinah.

Hoping to diminish the effect that this young man obviously had on the women of Medinah, Umar commanded that Nasr’s hair should be cut from the front - only to realize with dismay that the man’s beauty only increased.

Next, Umar told Nasr to wear a turban and cover his hair completely – with the same result. Exasperated, Umar finally demanded that Nasr’s hair be shaved off entirely. Unfortunately, Nasr’s handsomeness simply became even more obvious.

In response to Umar’s actions, Nasr composed the following poetry:

لظـن ابـن خطـاب ٍعلـي ّ بجُمـة ٍالى رُجّلت تهتـز هـز السلاسـل ِ
فصـلّـع رأســا ً لــم يصلّـعـه ربّــهيـرف رفيفـا ً بـعـد أســود جـائـل ِ
لقد حسد القرعان اصلع ُ لم يكناذا مـا مـشـى بالـفـرع مُتخـايـل ُ

"Umar could not see my curls,
My hair which when combed waved like a chain;
He made that head bald where once there was profuse hair;
He who was bald headed felt jealous of him who had hair,
As he could not be proud of his hair, he deprived me of his hair."

News of ‘Umar’s actions spread, and the young woman who had first recited the fateful couplet that had begun this entire saga shared her own feelings on the subject.

حلـقوا رأســه ليـــكـسـب قــبـحاً
غيرة مـــنـهــــم عـليـه وشـحـــا
كـان صـبـحـا عـلـيـه لـيـل بـهـيـم
فمحــوا لـيـلـه وأبـقــوه صـبـحـــا

"They shaved his head so that he may become ugly, jealousy from them of him and a stinginess,
The morning on him was like a dark night, then they erased his night and left him as morning. "

‘Umar was further vexed by how dramatic the situation had become. “Ya Ibn Hajjaj!” he exclaimed. “You’ve charmed the women of Medinah! By the One in Whose Hands is my soul, I do not want you as a neighbor in any town I live in.”

So saying, ‘Umar ordered Nasr to be exiled to the city of Basra (in Iraq), which was a military town. A few days later, Nasr sent ‘Umar a letter, pleading his innocence and asking to be allowed back to Madinah. Nasr’s mother went to ‘Umar, begging him to allow her son to return.
“Your sons are with you,” she told him. “But you have exiled mine! This is truly unfair.”
“Your son is a danger to the morals of the women of Medinah!” ‘Umar retorted. “As long as I live, I will not allow him to return and create temptation with his looks.”

While this story is usually mentioned with an air of jest, or as part of a discussion on the wisdom of ‘Umar’s policies, I want to take a moment to look at this incident through a slightly different lens.
When it comes to female desire, many Muslims react in one of two ways: either they deny it entirely, or they demonize it as a source of evil and ‘fitnah’ for men. A woman’s expression of desire, whether it be verbal or otherwise, is condemned as being something filthy and in need of being immediately silenced.

Yet when we look at this story and the way that ‘Umar (radhiAllahu ‘anhu) reacted to the unnamed woman’s poetry, we see a completely different attitude. ‘Umar did not storm into the woman’s house and command her to be quiet, or to be ashamed of herself, or to rebuke her for daring to give voice to her emotions.

Instead, he recognized her desires as being completely natural, and rather than targeting her for being out of line, went to the source of the fitnah itself: the object of her longing affection.
‘Umar’s concern for the women of Medinah was not tied to labeling them the fitnah or uncontrollable, but to acknowledge their difficult circumstances (it is said that this was a time during which many of the men in Medinah were participating in Jihad elsewhere) and to do what he could to make it easier for them to bear.

Consider this in comparison to the way that Muslim women today are treated when they dare to mention the struggles they experience, whether it be with regards to the temptations of developing emotional relationships with men they interact with regularly at school or at work, or the very real issues of masturbation and porn addictions.

We today need to change the way we look at women and female desire, and instead of viewing them as something strange, impure, or impious, remember the attitude of Ameer al-Mu’mineen ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab (radhiAllahu ‘anhu): to understand, to empathize, and to help in a productive manner.

(Sources:
Ibn Sa'd
Ibn Asaakir; Taareekh Dimashq
Ibn Hajr; Al-Isaabah
Umar ibn al-Khattab, Volume 1, by Dr. as-Sallabi)

Daddy's Little Princess

“Daddy’s little girl” is spoiled, coddled, and cuddled as a child – but what happens when she’s no longer a little girl, but growing up into a young woman?

Amongst the many family dynamics issues that the Muslim community is beginning to address, one of the least-discussed subjects remains that of father-daughter relationships.

It is an issue which has been overlooked, ignored, and generally treated with a sense of discomfort. Particularly amongst immigrant families, the relationship between a father and his daughter(s) is often a distant one; girls are encouraged to spend the majority of their time with their mothers and other womenfolk.

A girl might be “Daddy's little princess” as a baby, a toddler, a child, but as she grows closer to puberty she will often find herself left at home instead of taken to the masjid, attention deflected from her and turned towards her brothers instead (if she has any). This practice not only has extremely negative repercussions – for the fathers, the daughters, and indeed the Ummah at large – but is also against the Sunnah of RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam).

RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) had four daughters, all of whom he loved dearly; yet the greatest amount of narrations regarding his relationship with them is specifically in regards to his youngest daughter, Fatimah bint Muhammad.

Fatimah (radhiAllahu ‘anha) was approximately seven or eight years old when she used to accompany her father to the Ka’bah, where he often went to worship. In some regions and communities, it is as this very age where many fathers stop taking their daughters with them to public places – especially the masjid. As girls reach the end of their childhoods and inch closer towards the onset of puberty, many fathers prefer to start distancing themselves both physically and distantly from their daughters. Instead, girls are encouraged to spend more time with their mothers, learning ‘womanly skills.’

In pre-Islamic Arabia, it was almost unheard of for fathers to be deeply involved with their daughters; unfortunately, it remains the case even today in many parts of the world. RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), however, was a mercy to mankind who came to revolutionize the world… and that included revolutionizing the concept of fatherhood.

As Fatimah grew older, RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) never pushed her away or minimized his relationship with her. In fact, if anything, their bond only grew stronger.

The historian Ibn 'Abdullah writes that whenever RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) came back from any journey or after taking part in a battle, he would first go to the his Mosque in Madinah and pray two rak’aat (units), and then visit his daughter Fatimah and then visit his wives.

Imagine the type of fatherly love that caused RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) to choose to see his daughter even before his wives! The wives themselves did not feel any resentment or animosity regarding this, however, because they understood the importance of the relationship between RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and Fatimah (radhiAllahu ‘anha).

A'ishah (radhiAllahu anha) commented, “I have not seen any one of God's creation resemble the Messenger of God more in speech, conversation and manner of sitting than Fatimah, may God be pleased with her. When the Prophet saw her approaching, he would welcome her, stand up and kiss her, take her by the hand and sit her down in the place where he was sitting.” (Siyar A’laam an-Nubalaa)

Even amongst Muslim fathers who do have good relationships with their daughters, some may feel shy or embarrassed to show it or discuss it publicly due to culture-based embarrassment. RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), however, was never shy to publicly profess his love and affection for those dearest to him.

When Ali ibn Abi Talib admitted that he was considering marrying another wife, RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) ascended the minbar and declared:

“Whoever pleased Fatimah has indeed pleased God and whoever has caused her to be angry has indeed angered God. Fatimah is a part of me. Whatever pleases her pleases me and whatever angers her angers me.” (Narrated by al-Bukhāri, 3437; Muslim, 4483)

The role of a father in his daughter's life is pivotal: he is the first man in her life; the one who teaches her what he, a male, thinks of her, a female; and thus shapes her sense of self-worth in the eyes of other men; the one whose behaviour and mannerisms will influence her mental image of “the perfect man” and her choice of life partner.

Due to many unfortunate cultural standards, Muslim men often don’t realize this, or that the Sunnah of RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) reflected the ideal relationship that every father should have with their daughter(s).

Some of the greatest heroines of Islam – including Fatimah (radhiAllahu ‘anha) – had the strength, courage, and faith that they did because their fathers invested time, love, and du’a in them. Fatherhood is not just a beautiful gift from Allah, but an honour. A father’s relationship with his daughters could very well be a means of him entering Jannah… and of raising the next generation of heroines of Islam.

RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said:

“Whoever has two daughters and treats them kindly, they will be a protection for him against the Fire.” (Ahmad, Ibn Majah)