A Crisis of Masculinity

In a time where feminism is a word used as both a badge of pride and an insult amongst Muslims and non-Muslims alike, where female empowerment is not just an idealistic concept but a steadily growing reality, there are plenty of men who claim that the rise of feminism has led to a crisis of masculinity (or lack thereof).

Many Muslim men find themselves on the defensive against those they consider the “new aggressive breed” of Muslim women, and often attempt to respond by going on the offensive, assuming a “uber-manly” persona. Yet in trying to assert their own manliness, they may end up going to the unIslamic extreme of misogyny, adopting cultural ideals of manliness and attempting to aggressively dominate women.

We know that Islam has clearly laid out guidelines for gender roles, with certain traditional expectations as well as revolutionary concepts. Women are encouraged to be good wives and mothers; but they are also encouraged to be educated, intelligent, and active in their communities and society as a whole.

But what about men? Yes, men are qawwamoon over women, they are in positions of authority and meant to be leaders on both the domestic and public scale - but what are the qualities and characteristics that our society and cultures consider to be 'masculine' and praiseworthy? Are they, in fact, truly positive, or have they been so warped and twisted by external influences that they in fact contradict the spirit of masculinity exemplified in the Sunnah?

The truth is that the standards of masculinity in both Muslim and non-Muslim societies have truly done an injustice to men as a whole - while keeping in mind the various issues related to feminism and the focused agenda on empowering women whithout involving men along the way.

Examples of such unhealthy standards are the idea that men who weep, who show softness, tenderness, and compassion in any way are 'weak' and 'effeminate'; that men do not experience problems like depression or heartbreak (or at least do not show their emotions when experiencing those issues; that men whose sisters, daughters, or wives are visible or active in any way are not 'keeping them under control'; and sexist jokes that repeatedly present men as selfish, hypersexed, incompetent bumbling idiots who are unable to look after themselves, express empathy for their wives, or care for their own children.

All of these ideas are perpetuated in media and in society, presenting a bizarre and paradoxical image of what being a 'man' really means.
The logical question arises: What *are* Muslim men supposed to be like? What does it mean to be a Muslim man? How do we define masculinity in an Islamic sense?

The first, and obvious, answer is clear: the ultimate example of masculinity is none other than our beloved Prophet, the Messenger of Allah, Muhammad (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam). In his personality, his actions, and his entire life, he was the perfect example of the ideal human, the ideal Muslim, and the ideal man.

A glance at the male Companions of the Prophet (sallAllahy ‘alayhi wa sallam) reveals to us men of drastically varied personalities and talents: shy, gentle ‘Uthmaan ibn ‘Affan; fierce ‘Umar ibn Khattab; stern, wise Abu Bakr; poetic Hassan ibn Thaabit; and noble Mus’ab ibn ‘Umayr (radhiAllah ‘anhum ajma’een).

Being around RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) taught them that true masculinity lay not in conforming to a cartoonish parody of an ideal, but in embodying excellence of character that emphasized spiritual health as well as contributed to psychological well-being, and the overall positive growth of their families and societies.

These men understood that it was not wrong for men to weep from sorrow, nor for them to be affectionate and easy-going with their wives, nor to admit their own imperfections or ignorance in certain matters - whether they were around men or around women. They understand that their position and authority as Qawwamoon came from being authentic human beings who weren't afraid to show their humanity - including to those who could perceive their honesty as weakness. Their confidence in themselves and their humility as human slaves of Allah combined to create and foster an environment where they were respected as true leaders, and to assure other men that there were many different ways to *be* a strong, masculine leader.

Unfortunately today, we see too many men today who do not understand - and do not live by - the true essence of masculinity, but rather, rely on a warped ideal of masculinity as a response to changes that they feel unable to handle with intelligence, emotional maturity, and a holistic understanding of the Sunnah of RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam), who was himself described as being 'more modest than a virgin girl' - which, I'm sure most of you will agree, does not seem at first to be a 'masculine' trait, and yet described the most perfect, most masculine man of all creation.

In short, it can be said that the only solution to the crisis of masculinity facing Muslim men who find themselves suddenly on par with women of equal intelligence and increasing influence is to remember that true masculinity, and the authority that accompanies it, comes not from clumsily trying to become a stereotype of a 'macho' man, but to hold themselves to a standard of emotional intelligence, authenticity, and Ihsaan (excellence).

#RaisingMuslimMen

The Fatherhood Crisis

(Originally published at OnIslam.net)

“Sisters, you are the shepherds of your children! Sisters, raise your children well, for the future of the Ummah lies in your hands! Sisters, your role as mothers is the most important in the world!”
Such is the mantra repeated over and over again, to audiences of women who have already had this message ingrained in them from youth. But where are the reminders to Muslim fathers?

It's become a common cultural standard that women are assumed to be almost solely responsible for the raising and educating of children, from infancy right up until adulthood. The role of fatherhood, on the other hand, seems to have been relegated to one of financial obligation, and little else.
When we look to the time of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him), however, we see a very different model of fatherhood.

Prophet Muhammad, The Father

Ali ibn Abi Talib was raised in the household of RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) and, RasulAllah was his father figure. When Ali accepted Islam at the age of 12, he didn't do so out of indifference or merely because he 'had' to.
He had been raised to be intellectually capable of pondering what faith meant, what the consequences of accepting that would be, and the seriousness of living according to Islam. Thus, when he accepted Islam, it was with a keenness of intelligence and awareness that was directly cultivated by RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam).

Similarly, Zayd ibn Harithah who was also raised by (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam), in such a dedicated manner that when Zayd's biological father and uncle came to take him back home, he refused to go with them. Zayd was approximately eight years old when he was captured by raiders and sold into slavery in Makkah. The nephew of Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) bought him and then gave Zayd as a gift to her. She, in turn, gave him to RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) who freed him and raised him as his own son.
When Zayd’s father and uncle came to claim him, Zayd informed them, “I have seen from this man (Muhammad) such amazing things that I could never prefer him over anyone else.” (Ibn Sa’ad, Ibn Athir, Ibn Hajar).

Immediately after this, RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) formally adopted Zayd who became known as ‘Zayd ibn Muhammad’ until the Qur’anic verse was revealed forbidding this type of adoption.

Such a close bond could only have been the result of truly dedicated parenting. Zayd was also one of the first people to accept Islam, along with Ali and the rest of the Prophet’s household.
As an adult, RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) made Zayd a commander of the Muslim army no less than seven different times, until he was martyred in the Battle of Mu’tah.

Nor was RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) an exception when it came to fatherhood. His Sahabah followed his example.
Umar ibn al-Khattab (radhiAllahu 'anhu) didn't abandon his son 'Abdullah to his wife to raise; he didn't expect 'Abdullah's mother to be solely responsible for Abdullah's education or the refinement of his manners. Instead, he took a hands-on approach and ensured that Abdullah accompanied him from a young age, as is evidenced in the following hadith:

Narrated Ibn 'Umar:
The Prophet (sallAllahu ‘alayhiwasallam) said, "The example of a believer is like a green tree, the leaves of which do not fall." The people said, "It is such-and-such tree; it is such-and-such tree."
I intended to say that it was the date-palm tree, but I was a young boy and felt shy (to answer).
The Prophet said, "It is the date-palm tree." Ibn 'Umar added, "I told this to 'Umar (later on), who said, 'Had you said it, I would have preferred it over such-and such a thing!" (Bukhari)

Abdullah ibn ‘Umar grew up to be known as ‘the Jurist’ – but would he have become such a great man if it weren’t for the way his father made a point of involving him in the daily gatherings of the elder Sahabah with RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam)?

Unfortunately, there are far too many fathers today who prefer to leave their sons to be raised by social media and less-than-ideal friends, assuming that “their mother will deal with them”… until they suddenly realize that their sons are no longer young boys, but overgrown males with no understanding of Islamic manhood.

This situation, in fact, took place in the time of Umar ibn al-Khattab (radhiAllahu ‘anhu), and his stance on fatherhood is further demonstrated in this narration:

It is related that a man once came to ‘Umar ibn Al-Khattaab, complaining of his sons’ disobedience to him. ‘Umar summoned the boy and spoke of his disobedience to his father and his neglect of his rights.

The boy replied: “O Ameer al-Mu’mineen! (Prince of believers)
Doesn’t a child have rights over his father?”  “Certainly,” replied ‘Umar.  “What are they, Ameer al-Mu’mineen?”  “That he should choose his mother, give him a good name and teach him the Book (the Quran).”  “O Ameer al-Mu’mineen! My father did nothing of this. My mother was a Magian (fire worshipper). He gave me the name of Julalaan (meaning dung beetle or scarab) and he did not teach me a single letter of the Quran.”  Turning to the father, ‘Umar  said: “You have come to me to complain about the disobedience of your son. You have failed in your duty to him before he has failed in his duty to you; you have done wrong to him before he has wronged you.” (Source) 

Note that when ‘Umar mentioned the teaching of the Qur’an, it meant to the companions much more than what we assume – he didn’t mean that the father hadn’t simply taught his son the literal words of the Qur’an, but rather, that he had neglected to teach his son the meanings of the Qur’an as well.

A’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) described RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) as:
“His character was the Qur’an.” (Muslim)

The automatic understanding was that his character was an embodiment of the teachings of the Qur’an.
‘Umar’s rebuke to the complaining father wasn’t that it was the mother’s fault for not teaching the son how to be a good Muslim (or even a good person) – the responsibility was upon the father to raise his child according to the Qur’an.
In failing to carry out his responsibilities towards his son, the father was to blame for his own son’s disobedience.

Today, there are countless books and lectures aimed at mothers about the importance of their role – yet few, if any, focused on Muslim fathers. As a result, our Ummah has been faced with a crisis of fatherhood: one where Muslim men have minimized their role as the head of the household and relegated themselves to providing only financial support, rather than being present, hands-on parents.

Subsequently, we have an entire generation of Muslim youth growing up with no idea of what it is like to be a truly responsible Muslim man.
It is time that we recognize the seriousness of the situation, and change our understanding of the role of Muslim men as fathers – by returning to and reviving the Sunnah of The prophet (PBUH) and his Companions. They were the men who exemplified what it meant to be true Muslim men … leaders of both their households, and of their Ummah.


Zainab bint Younus Kathrada aka The Salafi Feminist is a young Canadian Muslimah who has been active in grassroots da’wah and writing about Islam and the Ummah for the last eight years. She was first published in Al-Ameen Newspaper (Vancouver, Canada) at the age of 14; became a co-founder, writer, and editor for MuslimMatters.org at age 16; and began writing regularly for SISTERS magazine at the age of 19 until today. She also blogs at http://www.TheSalafiFeminist.blogspot.com