3 Generations

Originally written for SISTERS Magazine.

Umm Zainab Vanker and her daughter Umm Khadijah commiserate on what it's like to be part of three generations of women.


Umm Zainab Vanker

While growing up, I remember watching old family TV shows, like Little House on the Prairie, Family Ties and Growing Pains. I would watch these programmes and wish that, one day, I would have a close mother/daughter relationship. Unfortunately, I never did have that with my own mother, but I remember making a promise to myself that, insha Allah, I will have something similar with my own daughter(s) one day, should Allah I grant me some.

The day my daughter was born, I was happy, but also very scared. Scared that I may be a bad mother, scared of making the same mistakes my mother did with me and my sisters, and as such, having no emotional relationship or bond with my daughter at all. Coming from a dysfunctional family and having no mother/daughter bonds, I was only given glimpses of such relationships in the Islamic seerah, such as the relationship of ‘A’isha t and her mother. But, there were some real life examples of mothers who enjoyed close bonds with their children and whom I learnt a lot from, just by watching them, and hoping that one day I would feel that connection and love.

The Early Years

From day one, I made sure to hug her, hold her and let her know I loved her, as much as I could remember to. As she started growing older and I had more children, life became busy, and I would sometimes realise that I had not hugged her or told her how much I loved her for a while. It was then that I would feel guilty and upset with myself and had to make a conscious effort to remind myself to hold her close and let her know I love her. Even when I disciplined her, I would later tell her that I still loved her, even though I was upset or angry.

Due to the way our life was and our decision to homeschool our children, Zainab and I were together practically 24/7, with barely any time apart. She was my tail wherever I went and I was hers. There were many times we both became frustrated with each other and got on each other’s nerves. The fact that during these years she had no friends at all and blamed our way of life for it, was harder to bear on my conscience.
The pre-teen and teen years were the most difficult time, and there were many days and nights I would shed tears and ask Allah I to help me not just be a better mother, but also help strengthen our bond and bring us closer. I made a very conscious rule that I would not exclude her from sitting or developing a friendship with older sisters who were my friends. I would let her sit in on many sensitive discussions we used to have, unless I felt that it was too personal or inappropriate for her. Having an open communication, no matter what, has always been important to me to have with all my children, especially with my only daughter, as this is something I never had with my own mother.

The relationship between Zainab and myself was more mother/daughter, rather than friendship, with a closeness that was still developing. Her role model during these formative years was always her father, and even though I silently felt envious and wished that there was something I was doing that she would be proud of and want to emulate, I realised that it was not important. It was more important that we have a close bond and she can talk to and confide in me.

Marrying and Moving Away

Just before Zainab turned 17, and us not even expecting it, we suddenly had a young man come forward asking for her hand in marriage. Even though we had recently discussed this situation happening, we had not expected it to happen so soon! Especially since we lived in a fairly small community, on an island with few potential suitors that we would consider for her, not to mention that she was still completing high school. My daughter has always been slow to mature in many ways. It was a constant battle, as she was not only a tomboy (partly due to having three brothers) but was also adamant that she did not want to grow up quickly and preferred to remain childish!

Suddenly, we had to decide whether to inform her of this new development or say no. We decided that it was best she knew and made the decision to accept or not after at least meeting and speaking to the brother on her own. It took a bit of coaxing to get her to accept just meeting this young man, but after that, things started happening very quickly.
The most difficult part for us as parents was that she would not be leaving just our home or city or province, but that she would be moving to another country and continent altogether. This would be the first time in her life that she would be without us nearby or ME for an extended period of time. The few times she was away from us visiting her aunt, we made sure to call her daily.
For the last three to four years, I kept advising her to be prepared for the possibility that she may marry someone and move away from us altogether - just as I did after marrying and leaving my family behind in South Africa. The difference between us was that I was somewhat emotionally disconnected from my parents, due to my life and family situation. Whereas she was not just physically, but emotionally attached to us in almost every way, and our bonds were getting stronger as she grew older.

Our relationship was maturing and evolving into the one I had dreamt of. The day we said goodbye to her was very hard. Our blessing was, unlike twenty years ago when telecommunication was expensive and you only called home every few months or wrote letters, we knew we would not have to wait too long for her to reconnect with us online. It was a sigh of relief when that happened!

News of Her pregnancy and Birth of My Granddaughter

As soon as I learnt that she was expecting, my heart felt very heavy, for I knew how much she needed me, and I could not go to her or be with her through this time, due to my other commitments at home. It was not like I could just drive there and bring her home for a few days to rest and pamper her, like many other mothers can. All I could do was listen and advise her through email and Skype.

Hearing about her pregnancy woes made me ache inside, as there was not much I could do for her, as we were continents apart. As soon as she knew, she informed me that she was having a daughter, I was so happy, but sad inside, for I knew that she would not be able to come home to have the baby, and I was not sure if I would even be able to go to her. Yet, deep inside, I was hoping that I would be able to be there for her during the birth of her first child.

Allah had other plans for us both. It so happened just three months before her due date, my husband received ajob offer in Malaysia, and after discussing it together, we decided it would be good for him to accept and for us to move. We both realised that it would not be possible for me to go to Egypt to help and look after her. Alhamdulillah, a close family member was able to go and help her and be with her during this time. This eased my mind, but I was still missing out on a big part of my daughter’s new life, but there was nothing I could do to change things.

The day Zainab gave birth was a really hard day for me, but trusting in Allah I and making du’a for her, I knew she would get through it okay. After all, she did have half my genes! It was not easy knowing I would not be able to give my granddaughter her first bath, the way I did for other sisters’ babies before. Unlike many other new mothers who have their own mothers to help take care of them and their little ones, I was not able to assist my daughter, and this made me feel like I was not a good mother at the time. But things were not in my hands, this was Allah's plan that I had to accept and be patient with. For He, subhanahu Ta'ala, knows what is best for us all.

Building, Keeping and Maintaining Strong Bonds

Like everything else, maintaining, growing and keeping the bonds of closeness is not always easy. I was worried that my granddaughter will not know who I am nor have a close attachment to me, being so far away. Alhamdulillah for Skype and technology! From the day she was born, she not only heard my voice almost every day, but saw me online. As Khadijah, my granddaughter, was growing, I was able to be a part of her life in many ways, even from a great distance. Although it never is the same as having them nearby, it was more than my family has ever had with my own children! One of the blessings of moving to Malaysia was the possibility of Zainab and Khadijah coming to visit us, or us them - it was a lot less probable, had we remained in Canada.

Alhamdulillah, a few months after Khadijah turned one, my husband was able to go and bring them home for a visit! Even though she knew my voice and saw me online all this while, I was not sure how she would react the first time we met each other in person. It took a couple days for her to realise that I was the person she had been talking to online. This visit helped strengthen the new bonds formed with Khadijah, so that after they returned home, it continued to grow and strengthen, to the point that at two and a half years old, she calls us online by herself and asks to talk to us.

During Zainab's growing and maturing years, I know I was always her strongest critic, but I tried to always push and guide her towards helping her know her own strengths and weaknesses. It's not easy
when your pre-teen or teen daughter dislikes you at times, but we mothers need to realise that we need to be their mothers first, and the friendship will grow as they themselves mature and you have
an open, honest relationship. Working on building that bond from day one can never be taken from you, no matter how far you may be from each other or which ends of the world you live in.

Give your daughters the chance to work with you on projects, and volunteer together working in your community. Listen to their ideas, even if what they say is idealistic or impractical. Allow them to try new experiences, as long as it is within Islamic guidelines. Let your friends be their friends and mentors; it helps when you know they're talking to people you trust, rather than people you don't
know. Know when to discipline them on the spot or take them aside and give them a talking to. Never be shy or afraid to tell them something you or they may not like. Never take their anger, dislike or outbursts of emotions personally. Give them space to make mistakes and hopefully learn from it. Teach and show them respect and they will return it. Remember that your most important role is first as a mother, before being a friend. Never be jealous of her having other sisters, even your own friends, as confidants. Do not be discouraged when she tells them things she won't tell you, but be perceptive, and you will learn many things about her, without her even having to tell you. Know when to let her vent and when to offer advice.

These are just some of the things that will help you create a strong bond with your daughters, and later granddaughters, insha Allah. A bond that will endure many tests and trials, only to make you bothlearn how much you love, appreciate and need each other.
Insha Allah, one day, Khadijah, Zainab and I will be three generations of women from one bloodline in the same house. I can't wait to hear the madness and laughter resonating within the house, since I am normally surrounded only by men!

Zainab Umm Khadijah

When I think back to my relationship with my mother during childhood and adolescence, there were two emotions that I felt most intensely: a fierce love and desire to protect and impress her and the equally fierce need to escape her control!

I was definitely a troublesome kid, and I know that I caused my mother a lot of grief. We got on each other’s nerves, and there were times when we could barely stand to look at each other! I went through phases when I resented her and downright hated her, but what stands out most is that no matter how angry we were at each other, she was always ready to give me another chance. Even when she lost her temper (with every right to do so!) she never stopped doing what she thought was the best thing for me.
Our personalities have always been very different, but what makes my mother special is that even if she didn’t completely understand how I felt, she made the effort to help me however she could. There are things she did that I never recognised or appreciated then, but when I look back, I marvel at how every step she took helped me to grow, to learn and to become a better person.
I strongly believe that if it weren’t for our clashes, her tough love and even some of my acts of rebellion, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

The later teen years smoothed out our rocky relationship, but being a rebellious spirit, I pushed my mother close enough to the edge that she can blame me for her grey hairs! Nonetheless, I suddenly
found myself in the position of having a ‘cool mum’ (according to my friends) and had to admit that, yeah, she was pretty cool. It was especially during this time that I began to notice and admire how
much my mother was capable of - how much she sacrificed for our family and how much patience she had to go the extra mile for me, even when she was already tired and stretched thin in her time and energy.

My love for her grew even stronger, and I secretly wished that I could handle life with the strength and courage she displayed, whilst always making it look easy. With all the trouble I gave her, I
rarely saw her break down or show just how weary she was, not only with me, but with her own issues as well.

Perhaps the most poignant moment that made me realise just how much I depended upon and needed my mother’s support was when I got married at the age of eighteen and left home. It was a difficult and painful adjustment to not only leave my family, but also to leave the country I had grown up in and move to a foreign country with a new husband I barely knew. I spent days and nights crying, not just out of homesickness, but because I was all alone with no family or friends nearby to help me deal with the culture clash that made early married life even more difficult. When I became pregnant soon after, I felt that I had lost the last remnants of control over my life.

Three years later, I know now that the only reason that I made it through those agonising months of emotional pain is because of my mother’s never-ending du’a. That du’a continues to be a source
of comfort for me whenever life gets too overwhelming and it’s hard for me to get a grip on myself; I know that no matter how tough things are for me, my mum is out there praying to Allah I
that I can get through it - and I know I will, insha Allah.

When I gave birth to my daughter at the age of nineteen, I was still very much a child in need of my mother. Ironically enough, it was the distance between us that made me stronger and forced me to
grow up a little bit more. In turn, it’s what made me appreciate the struggles she had gone through when she had given birth to me at a similar age.

Being away from my UmmiJaan sucks, but it has also taught me how to stand on my own two feet. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m still very emotionally dependent on her and that I call her almost
every day just to whine, complain and annoy the heck out of her, but I’ve learned to cope with difficult situations on my own as well.

One of the few things that I actually enjoy about growing up is how my relationship with my mother keeps improving. I’m still her child, but I’m an adult too – I can be rebellious without having to endure (too many) scoldings and lectures; I can choose to accept her advice or not (instead of being ordered to!) and I can make decisions which she will support me in, even if she doesn’t always
agree with them (like dyeing my hair blue!). I have the opportunity to work with her on a more equal footing, and I continue to learn more about her, which only increases the love, respect and
admiration I have for her and for everything she has accomplished and continues to accomplish. I only hope that she is as proud of me as I am of her.

Now that I have a two-and-a-half year old daughter of my own, I fervently pray that I can be even half as patient, nurturing and plain old enduring in raising my child as my mother was (and is) with
me. I still feel like a kid and often can’t believe that I have one of my own – after all, I’m only twenty-one! Knowing that my mum will always be just one Skype call away, no matter what the situation is – whether it’s the fact that I forgot to get my daughter vaccinated on time, or I’m just having a really bad day – is a thought that comforts me.

I also hope that despite the thousands of miles that physically separate us, my daughter will have the chance to love and learn from her grandmother the way I did (although she’ll probably get
a better deal out of it). I can’t wait for the day that I’ll be able to sit at the kitchen table with my mother and my daughter, talking seriously, laughing giddily and getting smacked on the back of my
head with my mother’s chappal [flip-flops].

I love you, UmmiJaan!

Umm Zainab Vanker and Umm Khadijah Kathrada are an incorrigible mother-daughter team who manage to keep their relationship full of love, laughter and squabbling, despite the fact that they live on opposite sides of the world. They are both incredibly grateful to Allah I for blessing them with such a wonderful relationship with each other and pray that it always remains so.

Pregnant Girls, Single Mothers

In today's day and age, Maryam bint 'Imraan would be considered just another young girl pregnant out of wedlock. When the priests of Bani Isra'el kicked her out of her sanctuary due to her pregnancy, she was effectively rendered homeless. We would have written her off as another unfortunate statistic and pity her child as being unable to have a stable home or any kind of meaningful future.

Instead, Maryam became one of the most famous women in Islamic history. She defied the odds and defied the animosity of her society, and was able to raise a Prophet who changed the course of history.

Never give up on the hundreds and thousands of young, pregnant girls and single mothers. Never write them off as "hopeless" and their children as 'burdens' to this Ummah.
Instead, think of them as one of the most powerful sources of hope for this Ummah: Those who, with strong emaan and the right tools, could raise a generation of Muslims who have overcome the odds with a strength that will help change this world for the better.

#ForgottenHeroines

The Salafi Feminist on IMOW

AlHamdulillaah, the International Museum of Women chose to include my tongue-in-cheek essay "On Being A Salafi Feminist" for their Muslima Stories exhibit. (Unfortunately they didn't get the formatting right, but whatever.)

Check it out here: I Am The Salafi Feminist.

Questions & Concerns About Youthful Marriage

Part of 5 of the Youthful Marriage series, originally written for SISTERS Magazine.

Umm Zainab and Umm Khadijah (AnonyMouse) answer questions and concerns about youthful marriage, bringing their series on youthful marriage to a conclusion.

1)    How do parents support newlywed youth, both financially and in terms of living arrangements?

Financial support is crucial for those who married while still in high school or just graduated.
A few solutions would be to help the husband find suitable employment, while providing a monthly stipend in the meantime, or at least until they are able to financially support themselves completely.

With regards to living arrangements, both sets of parents can contribute towards renting an apartment, or the couple can work out an arrangement to live with one set of parents at the family home.

Very young couples, such as those who are still in high school, can agree to live apart at their own parents’ homes until they can stand on their own two feet.

2)    Should young couples start having children immediately or wait for a while?

Marriage requires a great deal of maturity, and parenthood even more so! Young couples still studying should agree to wait for a stipulated amount of time before starting a family, which is Islamically allowed as long as both parties agree. They first need to adjust to marriage itself before taking on the incredible responsibility of parenthood.

While Islam encourages married couples to have children, and evidence proves that it’s healthier to have children while young, parenthood is a huge responsibility that many young adults don’t take seriously. Just as youth need to educate themselves about marriage before jumping into it headfirst, they also need to educate themselves about parenthood and what to expect. It is imperative that they fully understand the severity and repercussions of parenthood.

Unfortunately, too many zealous young couples jump into parenthood immediately after marriage, and cannot cope with the huge learning curve required of them. Especially in cases where the couple themselves are having difficulty in their relationship, bringing children into a difficult situation only makes things worse, not better.

3)    Should young couples expect to be in love immediately before or after marriage? How do they know what love is?

Two situations are most common when youthful marriage comes up. In the first scenario, the couple have already met and interacted (often at school, university, etc.) and feel that they’re already in love; they wish to marry so that they can prevent themselves from committing any sins. In the second, the youth have not ‘met’ anyone yet but want to get married to preserve their chastity.

In the first situation, there is a hadith which is applicable: Narrated by Ibn Maajah (1847), “There is nothing better for two who love one another than marriage.” (This hadeeth was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan Ibn Maajah).

In the second situation, both sides need to be aware that as long as they have chosen correctly (with sincerity, understanding, and maturity), both the lust and love will come as they get to know each other on a daily basis.

In both situations, the youth need to be made aware of what ‘love’ truly means. The feeling/ experience of being “IN love” is very different from the type of love that will evolve in a long-term relationship (i.e. marriage). They cannot expect their marriage to be healthy or long-term if they expect that the giddy feeling of being in love will last; in fact, what they can count on is that it will fade away very quickly, which is where the true test of maturity, responsibility, and dedication to their marriage lies.
True love is one that takes longer to show itself, but once planted, is harder to cut. Youth have to understand that the ‘love’ they think they feel initially is more lust then deep love.


4)    How do parents know if their young adults are emotionally mature enough for marriage?  What if a parent wants to support their youth (esp. sons) in getting married early, but know that their child is not mature enough to handle it?

Let’s be realistic: most parents today are a bit clueless as to their kids’ maturity, especially their sons. Many mothers mollycoddle their sons into thinking the world revolves around them, instead of raising them to be responsible young men and adults who know how to take care of another human being!
If a youth who is not emotionally mature seeks to marry and the parents realize that, then they should explain to them in clear terms that marriage is not something to be played with. It has responsibilities and obligations not just to themselves but to another person as well. Once the commitment has been made, you can’t just decide tomorrow that you suddenly prefer the single life and no responsibilities.

If the young man or woman insists on getting married but still displays a lot of immaturity, “test” them as a means of pointing out how much they have to learn. Give them serious responsibilities that are a small taste of what they will have to expect in a marriage; for example, finding and maintaining a job, taking care of elderly grandparents, learning how to manage a household (this applies equally to boys as well as girls), being made to deal with the emotional consequences of their actions, etc. 


5)    Is it easier to get married at a younger age in the West or in Muslim countries?

Youthful marriage is difficult for Muslims in the West as well as in Muslim countries, from both a legal and societal point of view.

Western countries have a legal minimal age at which young adults can marry with or without parental permission. In most cases the legal age to marry with parental permission is 16 for both sexes.
Societally, young marriages are strongly discouraged by parents and peers, as it is seen to be a responsibility ‘too big’ for youth to take on; society does not deem them ready for such responsibility. Unless youth have a strong support system, it is extremely difficult for them to not only get married, but sustain the marriage through the inevitable challenges that they will face.

Muslim countries generally are more lax when it comes to the legal age of marriage, although many countries are trying to combat this by raising the legal age to 18. However, because it is traditional in many Muslim countries for people to marry at a younger age, it is much more common and easier in legal terms for youth to get married. In many areas, it is still easier for youth to marry in Muslim countries and receive support from their families and community at large.
Unfortunately, the media only reports cases where youth (especially young women) have been taken advantage of or had their rights abused.

The main challenges facing youth who wish to marry in Muslim countries are societal obstacles, such as the practice of demanding an extravagant amount of money for the mahr. Furthermore, many youth (especially young men) are not raised to be emotionally mature; thus, even those who do get married at an earlier age will go through many difficulties because they have not learned about conflict resolution, compromise, and how to be compassionate to their spouses.



Youthful marriage is a Sunnah that needs to be revived in order to combat the many social ills taking place today, both in the West and in Muslim countries. The prevalence of a hypersexualized global culture means that young Muslims are exposed to inappropriate concepts and images at a younger and younger age, thereby igniting physical desires. Unfortunately, emotional and mental maturity are not taught and fostered at a similar rate, leaving Muslim parents and youth in a predicament that needs to be combated.

Cultivating a holistic understanding of an Islamic marriage is necessary for all young Muslims who want to do the right thing by getting married early. They and their parents must be aware of the Islamic responsibilities that marriage entails, as well as the emotional maturity and intelligence to maintain a dedicated, long-term relationship. Muslim youth who make the choice to marry young will face many challenges and tests, including societal pressure, financial difficulty, and personal growing pains.
It must also be understood that young marriages are not for everyone, and it cannot be considered a blanket solution to all of society’s problems. As much as we strongly advise young Muslims to consider a young marriage, please proceed with caution.

Finally, it must be remembered that all success lies in Allah’s Hands. Always turn to Him in prayer, repentance, and supplication, trusting in Him to guide you to that which is best for you in this world and the Hereafter. Only by having complete tawakkul in Him alone can Muslim youth hope to have successful marriages that will, inshaAllah, lead to a successful Aakihrah. We ask Allah to help all young Muslims abstain from the haram and pursue the halal for His Sake, and find spouses that will be a source of love, serenity, and a partner in the journey to Jannah.

Readers’ Comments

We asked readers what they thought about youthful marriage and what concerns they had. This is what they had to say…

My concern is that teens (in particular boys) are not emotionally mature enough for marriage at that age. I would need to have confidence that the family raised their child with similar standards of maturity. (Olivia K)

Should the parents be supportive and live-in is an option, why not. Everyone knows the struggles men and women face as "unmarrieds" trying desperately to avoid haram. My biggest concern as a mother of daughters is that education is not forfeited for marriage (last time I checked women can do more than one thing at a time). As mother of a son, I would worry that he has sufficient personal confidence, independence and insight to be a successful husband. (Terumi T.)

It’s prophetic advice and commendable if the youth did get married early, but so many teenagers just don’t appear to be mature enough to handle the responsibility that comes with marriage.
I'm not suggesting all teenagers are immature, but they are in the minority. Far too many of the youth adopt the 'live life to the max as you only live once' motto. The more partners you can get through the better! So armed with such secular ideology, what positive message can we convey to them about the benefits of marriage? Rather, what hope can we give them that marriage is a solution and not just a commitment? (Miriam M. Islam)

Umm Zainab Vanker and Umm Khadijah (AnonyMouse) are both products and veterans of youthful marriage; Umm Zainab got married at the age of 17, and her daughter followed suit! A combination of personal experience and observation of Muslim youth today encouraged them to take a critical look at the necessity and challenges of youthful marriages.

True Love

Zainab bint RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) was deeply in love with her husband, Abu'l 'Aas ibn Rabee'.
However, when the command came from Allah that she was no longer allowed to be with him because he refused to accept Islam, her love for the Divine superceded her mortal love.
They were parted for some time, during which their love abided and never grew weaker. Zainab's sacrifice for her Lord was rewarded when Abu'l 'Aas finally decided to accept Islam. They were reunited, and their love was made all the sweeter and purer because of the turmoil that Zainab experienced due to her commitment to Allah's Pleasure over her own.

When Muslim women today try to justify the decision to marry non-Muslim men because "true love conquers all," they are unfortunately choosing to put their love for the transient and mortal over their love for the Divine.

If the daughter of the Messenger of Allah was commanded to leave her non-Muslim husband, who loved her passionately and never prevented her from practicing Islam, how can we make the excuse that our love for a non-Muslim is worth defying Allah?

It is sincere sacrifice, out of true love for Allah, that will grant us both the sweetness of mortal love as well as that of the Divine.

#ForgottenHeroines

Forgotten Heroines

Many Muslims like to idealize the stories of the Sahabah, especially the female Companions, and use them to impose an unrealistic definition of Muslim womanhood on the Ummah: an ideal that turns Muslimahs into paragons of piety, virtue, and docile submission, akin to Madonna on a pedestal.

What we forget are the stories of the Sahabiyaat who were not innocent, sheltered beings, but rather women with dark pasts and hidden secrets. 

Hind bint Utbah was a villainess before the Conquest of Makkah; al-Ghaamidiyyah was a married woman who had an affair, became pregnant from it, and publicly confessed her sin to RasulAllah himself, so that she could be purified of her sin. Her repentance was so great that it would have been sufficient for 70 of the people of Madinah.

Before we go about preaching a false image of what a Muslim woman should be, let us honor the #ForgottenHeroines of Islamic history... those who proved that Muslim women need be only one thing: sincere, true believers in their Lord.

#ForgottenHeroines

Is Youthful Marriage for Everyone?

Part 4 of the Youthful Marriage series, written for and published by SISTERS Magazine.

The advantages of youthful marriages are many, and often discussed, but there is another side to it as well. The truth is that youthful marriages face many obstacles, and can be even more difficult to sustain in the face of societal, family, and personal pressures and expectations.

From the beginning, let us be clear: youthful marriages are not for everyone. It requires a great deal of patience and strength of character to maintain a long-term relationship, especially one which begins when both partners are at an emotionally volatile point of their lives. Some individuals are simply not mature enough to handle the challenges and difficulties which young marriages entail. Others have ‘baggage’ which just make marriage difficult for the other party involved, and may even end up damaging the other spouse as well.

Harsh Realities

One purpose of marriage is to protect individuals from zina – so in this sense, yes, it can be successful, even if these marriages end in divorce. Many may consider this to be a harsh way of looking at it, but the reality of life in the West for young Muslims is such that it is literally a choice between halaal and haram – marriage or zina.

Innocence Lost: The Religious and Psychosocial Ramifications of Hyper-sexualized Culture on the Next Generation

Originally written for MuslimMatters.org - Sex & The Ummah series.

Walk into the toy store, and you'll find "baby" dolls dressed in clothing reminiscent of prostitutes' outfits. Walk into the clothing store, and prepubescent girls are already being introduced to tank tops, mini skirts, and items of clothing that were once reserved for mature women.

Wendy Shalit's book "Girls Gone Mild" discusses the culture of hypersexualization - how it's being promoted, through both media and consumerism, how it's permeated society, and how it has so dangerously affected our lives and mentalities. For us as Muslims, it is imperative that we be aware of just how widespread this culture of hypersexualized is, and how our own children are seriously affected. Popular media has ensured that even Muslims fall victim to this epidemic. Girls who wear hijaab still obsess over their weight and their image and try to look older than they are... without the maturity or understanding of what 'older' really means.

Awareness of sexuality is occurring at a much earlier age today, and almost always with a confused or warped understanding of it. Girls and boys are both growing up insensitively exposed to sights and concepts about the human body that were once discovered at a much slower rate that accommodated their level of mental and emotional maturity.

The psychosocial ramifications of this phenomenon are already evident and being taken seriously even by non-Muslims - yet for us as Muslims, there is another dimension that makes the issue even more important for us to be aware of. That is, the religious aspect and how we train our children to deal with this assault on their innocence.

The Young Marriage Series: Part 3

Tools of the Trade

Umm Zainab Vanker and Umm Khadijah share some secret ingredients to a successful youthful marriage in Part 3 of the Young Marriage series.

Every marriage requires spouses to follow certain rules in order to be successful. However, couples in a youthful marriage are even more in need of guidance and awareness of how to face their challenges.

Marriage is, in itself, a serious commitment and responsibility. Contrary to popular opinion, the older one is at the time of marriage does not immediately mean that their relationship is more likely to be successful. However, it is also true that those who marry at a younger age will face more difficulty in maintaining their marriage. Thus, it is important for young Muslim husbands and wives to be aware from the outset of the practices that will result in a happy, meaningful marriage.

A willingness to be selfless, to compromise, and to make sacrifices. In a society where “adolescent selfishness” is acceptable, Muslim youth are rarely able to recognize the necessity and benefits of making personal sacrifices to achieve a greater goal: a successful marriage. Unfortunately, most young men and women are more concerned about their own wishes than they are with working towards a mutually beneficial goal.

For example, a young woman may not want to give up her dream education or career. Upon marriage, however, it may be difficult to pursue that particular field immediately, which may cause a great deal of resentment – which in turn contributes to turmoil within the relationship.

Similarly, many young men feel that they should have the best of both worlds: maintaining the same type of carefree lifestyle they had before marriage (e.g. spending hours playing videogames with their friends), while experiencing the benefits of married life as well (having someone take care of the home, outlet for physical desires, etc.). Their refusal to recognize that “something’s gotta give” leads to a sense of frustration from their wives, who feel that they have given up a great deal but received nothing in return.

Mum, I Wanna Marry A Shaykh!

Originally published in SISTERS Magazine.

UmmZainab Vanker reveals the reality of being married to a Shaykh and explains why it might not be for everyone.

Growing up in the ‘80s and ‘90s in a culturally conservative, semi-practising Muslim home, I never imagined or even hoped to marry a Shaykh, ‘Aalim, Hafidh or Moulana. Back then, only those girls who were from strong, practising Muslim families, whose fathers or other relatives were involved in da’wah or were madrasah teachers, ever considered the people of knowledge as potential spouses.

Alhamdulillah, today we are witnessing a reawakening of Islam in our communities, especially amongst the sisters. With this, however, has arisen a phenomenon which I had not come across previously. Let’s call it – The Wannabe Shaykh’s Wife Syndrome (WSWS)!
Many sisters, both young and older, fantasise about marrying a shaykh and living the Islamic dream. What’s wrong with this, you ask? The answer is, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it at all! It is a noble path to want to follow, as long as you are aware of the “job description,” and what the reality of such a life entails.

Unfortunately, today it has become a fad of sorts – a way of becoming “known” for whom you’re married to, or “gaining respect” because of who your husband is. There’s also the completely unrealistic idea that marrying a shaykh is tantamount to marrying the Prophet Muhammad (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) or one of the Sahabah, thinking that such a man will follow their examples in making time to teach their wives and families first before teaching others. Too many sisters have the naïve dream that these brothers will start imparting their Islamic knowledge to them from day one of their marriage!

Dearest sisters, this is not the reality of life as a shaykh’s wife – especially the wife of one who does what he does seeking payment and reward from Allah swt alone. Such a man sees that he has a great responsibility for the knowledge that Allah swt has given him, and that it is his duty to spread Allah’s word, no matter how difficult that path may be.

Niqaab for Rookies

Originally written for SISTERS magazine, by Umm Zainab Vanker (aka UmmTheSalafiFeminist).

Over the last few years, the topic of niqab (the face-veil) has stirred up much controversy and debate, not only in the media but amongst Muslims themselves. We can agree or disagree on the ayaat and ahadeeth regarding the hijab, the facts speak for themselves – niqab is not cultural, but can be taken as either wajib (compulsory) or mustahabb (highly recommended).

Unfortunately, our Muslim sisters can be our own worst enemy! When we see a niqaabi today, some of us feel the need to ‘advises’ her that she does not need to be forced by her husband or any other man to wear it. Many feel that it is their responsibility to inform a niqabi woman that she is free to choose how she wants to dress, and that a “liberated” woman would never wear it!

What many do not realize is that in the West, or in other countries where Muslims are a minority, those sisters who wear the niqab choose to do so, without coercion from their menfolk. It is a conscious decision made after a great deal of research, reading, and asking for His Guidance. For many, they are supported by husbands who are happy that their wives have made this choice; for others, they are still battling to convince their husbands to at least support them, even if they do not approve of it wholeheartedly.

It is a tough decision that is not made lightly for the majority of niqaabis. 

Children As A Choice

Originally published in SISTERS Magazine, January 2013

It is a global expectation: Muslim women are pressured into marriage, pregnancy, and then more children, one after the other. Ahadeeth about the virtues of children and RasulAllah’s encouragement to procreate become a constant mantra repeated in a married Muslim woman’s ears. Should she express even a murmur of disagreement, of desperation, she is browbeaten into silence by exclamations of “How could you say such a thing!” and disapproving glares.

Allah created all mankind with different qualities and characteristics; human beings are not mass-produced robots, but individuals with different personalities and capabilities. RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) came as a mercy to mankind, embracing and encouraging every person he came across to excel in what they were able to, without forcing anyone into something they could not cope with.

Unfortunately, too many Muslims have forgotten those points. Culture is merged with religion and used as a tool to force unwilling individuals to conform to strict behaviors; should anyone reject these standards, they are stigmatized and treated as deficient, or outcasts.

At some point, some Muslim societies began treating women not as individuals with various obligations to their Lord and different ways of fulfilling them, but as a monolithic group with only one role to perform: to marry, and have children – the more, the better!

While absolutely no one denies the high status of mothers in Islam, and the virtues of children, there are those who act as though it is waajib upon every married woman to have children. Those who express their desire to wait, or to limit the amount of children they have, are told that they are selfish, not following the Sunnah, do not have enough tawakkul in Allah, or that they’ve been “corrupted” by “evil Western ideas”!

However, RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) himself gave permission to the Muslims to practice family planning, as related by Jabir (radhiAllahu anhu) who related: "We used to perform coitus interruptus during the time that the Quran was being revealed.” (Sahih Muslim)

There are so many reasons that some women do not want children, or do not want more than a few. 

The Youthful Marriage Series: Part 2

Understanding Marriage

Umm Zainab Vanker and Umm Khadijah continue the discussion on youthful marriages. In Part 2, they focus on the attitudes held amongst Muslims that impede the successful implementation of young marriages.

 Two extremes are found amongst the Muslim youth regarding marriage: Over-idealism, wherein they imagine that marriage will make their life perfect; and severe pessimism, wherein marriage is viewed to be the end of independence, ambition, and a future career.

 Marriage is rarely seen for what it is: a long-term blessed bond between a Muslim man and woman, a relationship of love, compassion, and growth in all areas of life. Islam’s concept of marriage is a wholesome, encompassing ideal, which recognizes not only the blessings and challenges of marriage on an individual level, but a societal one as well. Many of the ayaat and ahadeeth relating to the marital bond contain references to the relationship between a man and a woman, and its effect on society at large.

The Prophet (saw) said: “If there comes to you to marry (your daughter) one who with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your daughter) to him, for if you do not do that, there will be fitnah (tribulation) in the land and widespread corruption.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1084; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 866.) 

 For those who imagine that marriage is the secret to a Disney kind of happiness, this illusion will mostly likely be shattered quickly, leaving them unable to cope with its reality.

Youthful Marriage: Impractical Ideal, or Viable Option?

Originally written for SISTERS Magazine, November 2012. Also published at the SaudiLife website.

Umm Zainab Vanker and Umm Khadijah (AnonyMouse) discuss the concept of young marriages in the Sunnah and in its application in modern society.

SURROUNDED by a global culture of hypersexuality, Muslim parents and youth share one similar concern: marriage. When to prepare for marriage, after post-secondary education or before? How to find suitable marriage partners?

Many Muslim parents still prefer the more recent tradition when it comes to marriage: waiting for young men to finish their university educations and begin successful, financially rewarding careers; and then searching for partners within a select pool and with an even more select criteria.

However, there is another option, one that is recommended in the Sunnah of RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), and which has long been disregarded or has been considered to be a sign of ‘backwardness’ due to the incorrect way in which it has been practiced “back home.”
This Sunnah is that of youthful marriage.

In the famous hadeeth of Jabir ibn ‘Abdillah:
 Jabir b. 'Abdullah (Allah be pleased with him) reported: 'Abdullah died and he left (behind him) nine or seven daughters. I married a woman who had been previously married.
Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said to me: “Jabir, have you married?”
I said: “Yes.”
He said: “A virgin or one previously married?”
I said: “Messenger of Allah, with one who was previously married,” whereupon he said: “Why didn't you marry a young girl so that you could sport with her and she could sport with you, or you could amuse her and she could amuse you?” (Saheeh al-Bukhari)

RasulAllah’s wisdom in advising Jabir to marry a youthful woman is obvious – Jabir himself was a young man, and it would have been more fulfilling for him to have a companion of his own generation, who could be energetic, creative, and entertaining. They would have been able to enjoy the pleasures of young love, and later, mature together as they experienced life’s challenges.

There are numerous examples in the Sunnah of RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and the Sahabah that show how youthful marriages were encouraged and – more importantly – sustained.

The marriage of Ali ibn Abi Talib (ra) and Fatimah bint RasulAllah (ra) is an excellent example of a young marriage. Some sources state that Fatimah was fifteen years old at the time of her marriage while Ali (ra) was twenty-one; others say that she was nineteen.

It is known that their relationship was one of deep love; Ali (ra) never married another woman during her lifetime, and she loved him dearly despite the difficulties she endured due to their poverty. This does not mean that they did not have any disagreements, though – one of Ali’s nicknames, “Abu Turab,” was given to him by RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) when Ali (ra) spent the night sleeping in the masjid due to an argument he had with Fatimah (ra). Nonetheless, they persevered and their mutual love for Allah and each other helped them overcome any issues they experienced.

Today, the very idea of a 16 or 17 year old (whether male or female) getting married is often looked upon with horror. It is argued that at this age, neither the young man or woman will have the emotional maturity to handle the responsibilities or seriousness that marriage demands, let alone its financial aspects. It is felt that both should have “the chance to live life freely,” without being tied down to another person; that they should use their youth to focus on their education without distractions. Most people conclude that very few (if any) youth are capable of handling marriage in at this young age.

However, it can also be argued that no one can ever be prepared for marriage, and there’s no guarantee that even an older person will be emotionally mature enough to handle it.

Physical and Emotional Maturity

Maturity can both be innate, and cultivated. Certain individuals simply have a more mature personality, and others can be taught how to react to situations appropriately, which contributes to maturity. Thus, while no one can be truly “ready” for marriage, it is possible to be prepared for it.

It is interesting to note that while so many Muslim parents claim that their adolescent children are “not ready” for marriage, non-Muslims are pointing to rising rates of early puberty and hyperawareness regarding sexuality at younger ages. Physical and even a type of mental maturity is manifested in the way that tweens and teens evaluate the opposite gender and often begin experimenting with them sexually. 
If the Muslim Ummah hopes to preserve the innocence and chastity of its youth, the only way to do so is for parents to close the gap between physical and emotional maturity.

The period of adolescence is a relatively modern construct of society, and responsible in large part for the lack of emotional maturity to be found amongst most youth in developed countries. Whereas many teenagers are expected and often allowed to act irresponsibly, Islam focuses on training children from a young age to have mental maturity and responsibility to perform various duties and obligations, both religious and social.
When Muslim parents give in to society’s current standards of behavior for adolescents, it is Muslim youth who pay the price. By lacking the mental and emotional maturity to develop the skills necessary for initiating and maintaining a long-term relationship, young Muslim men and women will be unable to enter into a fulfilling marriage by the time they begin to experience physical needs.

Teaching young men the importance of understanding how to deal with women – whether their mothers or sisters – will set the pattern for how they react to challenges with their wives. Similarly, teaching young women how to recognize which tasks, goals, or ambitions have priority will go a long way in helping them to cope with the many compromises that marriage demands from women.

It is therefore in the Ummah’s best interests, for young Muslim men and women, not just those in their early twenties but even those still in high school, to consider early marriage as a viable and practical option. Muslim parents need to focus on the reality that enabling their sons and daughters to marry at an earlier age will ultimately help them combat the vices of a hypersexualized global culture that they are struggling against.

In Part 2, we will inshaAllah focus on the realistic expectations which are required of those considering youthful marriage.

---

Umm Zainab Vanker and Umm Khadijah (AnonyMouse) are both products and veterans of youthful marriage; Umm Zainab got married at the age of 17, and her daughter followed suit! A combination of personal experience and observation of Muslim youth today encouraged them to take a critical look at the necessity and challenges of youthful marriages.

On Being A Salafi Feminist

Salafi: A Salafi (Arabic: سلفي‎) is a Muslim who emphasises the Salaf ("predecessors" or "ancestors"), the earliest Muslims, as model examples of Islamic practice.
(Wikipedia)

Salafi (Media Definition): Muslim men who wear short thawbs and have big beards, Muslim women who wear hijab/ abayah/ niqaab; Muslims who despise the West, have dreams of world domination and The Khilaafah (TM), and are determined to practice Islam openly. *Shudder*

Salafi (North America): A bunch of guys with short thawbs, long beards, and way too much time on their hands, which they spend writing PDFs declaring everyone else to be Off The Manhaj (TM).

Feminist: An advocate for social, political, legal, and economic rights for women equal to those of men. (Dictionary.com)

Feminist (Popular Opinion): Hairy, man-hating women determined to prove themselves superior to men and take over all male jobs.

Feminist (Muslim Popular Opinion): Hairy, man-hating women who are going to destroy the natural order of this world by claiming to be equal to men.

Muslim Feminist/ Feminism: A form of feminism concerned with the role of women in Islam. It aims for the full equality of all Muslims, regardless of gender, in public and private life. (Wikipedia)

Muslim Feminist (Muslim Popular Opinion): Man-hating, self-hating women who try to use Islam as an excuse to destroy the Muslim Ummah from within; those who attempt to destroy the natural order of this world by claiming to be equal to men, or at least slightly more equal than many Muslims prefer to believe.

Alternatively, Muslim women who have been brainwashed by the West into thinking that the role of a wife and mother isn't enough for her, and is now just a pitiable tool of the Decadent West (TM) who must be warned against, because there is absolutely no hope for her, especially when she starts trying to quote ayaat and ahadeeth to justify her clearly warped and corrupted views.

The Salafi Feminist: Someone who just likes to see everyone get their knickers in a knot when they see the words 'Salafi' and 'feminist' put together, and love to say things like, "in salafi-feminism you have combined two of the most disastrous movements in modern history!" (True story.)

Okay, so maybe I'm deliberately being a tease. It's hard to resist, though, seeing as how everyone wants to shove me and my views into an annoyingly narrow box, because unless you fit into a pre-constructed box, you don't count!

Anyway.

I am a niqaabi who hates those "Da'wah pictures" which say women are either pretty covered-up lollipops or trashed unwrapped candies being bombarded with flies.

I am a happy wife and mother, and I loathe those people who try to tell me that I should only be happy in my role as a wife and mother.

I believe in pursuing knowledge, Islamic and otherwise (and in fields other than gynecology or teaching kindergarten), and would really like to flip the bird at those twits still debating "women's education in Islam."

I frown upon mingling between the sexes and pre-marital relationships, but I will never belittle another woman's value and worth as a human being based upon her sexual history or rumours about her reputation.

I rage against the injustices of Western governments, but I refuse to turn a blind eye to the tragedies that Muslims inflict upon each other. Drone strikes, illegal wars, and the occupation of Palestine are right up there with domestic violence, sexual abuse, and racism within Muslim communities.

I believe that men and women both have control over their actions and desires, and that a woman looking at a male speaker is not going to send her into a frenzy of lust, or that any man is incapable of keeping it in his pants when he sees a woman whose body is not covered from head to toe in black. 

I respect the scholars of Islam and will defend them to anyone who tries badmouthing them, but that doesn't mean I'll stay silent when some of their words are harmful to the Muslim women of this Ummah. 

I believe that homosexuality is a great and terrible sin, but I also believe that shirk is worse. No one should allow their sins to stop them from reaching out to Allah, the Merciful, the Forgiving, the One True God.

I uphold that modesty and chastity is for both men and women; that women should wear hijab, men should lower their gaze, and that both parties assist each other in making their societies purer in every way. 

I believe that "The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong, and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those - Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise."
(Qur'an 9: 71)

(So in the end, I may not be a Salafi after all. Or even a feminist. But sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh! Don't tell anyone!)

Book Review: Love InshAllah - The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women

“Love Inshallah: The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women,” edited by Nura Maznavi and Ayesha Mattu, is not for the faint of heart. It is, however, a brutally honest and eye-opening look at the oft-overlooked romances of self-identifying Muslim women. 

From stories of traditional arranged marriage and the struggle of marrying outside one’s own culture, to finding love, losing it, and rediscovering it in the most unexpected places, “Love Inshallah” is a one-of-a-kind anthology. 

The contributing authors are from almost every type of race, cultural background, age, and affiliation imaginable; as such, some of the stories may make some readers feel uncomfortable. What must be kept in mind, however, is that it is all too easy to judge others, but far more difficult to accept the vastly differing experiences that contribute to the multi-faceted, sometimes paradoxical Muslim Ummah. 

The stories in “Love Inshallah” are neither saccharine nor fraught with over-politicized analyses of Muslim women’s sexuality. Rather, they are frank, open accounts that read more like a close friend’s trusting disclosures. Complete with humor, heartbreak, and the recognition that Allah – Al-Wadud (the Most Loving), al-Hakeem (the Most Wise) – teaches us through these love-ridden experiences, “Love Inshallah” will move you, entrance you, and shock you.

Perhaps one of the most unique features of this particular anthology, especially given its subject matter, is that it is not limited to the narrow representation of one particular “stream” of Muslimah. Conservatives and extreme liberals, born Muslims, converts and reverts – all are included, and all share their stories honestly and openly. 
Familiar names to SISTERS magazine (S. E. Jihad Levine and J. Samia Mair) write alongside anonymous and previously unpublished authors. Together, these women force all readers – Muslim and non-Muslim alike – to recognize and acknowledge the decidedly pluralistic, un-monolithic nature of The Muslim Woman’s Experience. 

Whether or not one agrees with the lifestyles and choices discussed within this book, it will most certainly provoke a great deal of thought. Perhaps more importantly, it provides a much-needed glimpse into the lives of Muslim women, and hopefully create the opportunity for empathy amongst those who have previously had no exposure to this significant and influential group.

AnonyMouse enjoys exposing and challenging herself to new experiences (mostly via the literary form). She particularly relishes getting into controversial subjects most likely to elicit shock and scandal.

Marriage Bandits

Exposing the Marriage Bandits: Originally written for SISTERS Magazine, September 2012 


Zainab bint Younus exposes the hidden abuse of marriage fraud that occurs within the Muslim community and warns vulnerable sisters how to avoid it.

Muslim communities around the world face many challenges, from both within as well as outside sources. Certain issues, such as poverty and substance abuse, are widespread amongst all races and religions. The Muslim community, however, also has problems unique to itself.
One particular phenomenon has come to be known as that of “marriage fraud” – a problem found in both the West and the Muslim world, although its occurrence has been more widely documented in the West. Most cases of “marriage fraud” are recorded to take place in certain areas of America, Canada, and the UK, although there is evidence that it also occurs in other Western and Arab countries.

Shaykh Younus Kathrada, a South-African born Canadian imam has provided Islamic counseling and support services for over 20 years. He identifies the “marriage bandit” phenomenon as being when Muslim men and who claim to be knowledgeable and pious Muslims, prey on vulnerable women and convince them into marriages, only to use and abuse them, and leave them soon thereafter.  Some of these individuals have married and divorced women countless times, passing them around to their friends and treating the women like a disposable commodity. (Read more)

Seeking Hira

Over 1432 years ago, in the blessed month of Ramadhaan, a man climbed the Mountain of Light, seeking his private sanctuary, the Cave of Hira. He is a handsome man, solidly built; his wavy hair is moist from his exertion in the desert heat and drops of sweat slip from his forehead like glimmering pearls. His fair face, which would shine like the full moon when he smiled, is thoughtful now, with a faint sadness and pain at the corners of his bright eyes.

This man is Muhammad ibn Abdullah, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. He is abandoning his society for a few days, maybe a few weeks – he carries food and drink with him, for he does not intend to leave solitude for some time – but not because he is a social outcast. In fact, he is the darling of Makkan society: the grandson of one of its greatest Hashemite chiefs, the husband of one of the wealthiest and most powerful businesswomen in a merchant community.

He is here, in the middle of the desert, miles away from any civilization, because he is sick at heart. Sick of the overwhelming ills that have drowned the Makkans in constant intoxication, outrageous gambling, and endless tribal feuds. Pained by the exploitation of orphans, the poor, the helpless; horrified by the common burials of newborn girls, the mistreatment of women, the destruction of their dignity. He seeks something else, something better, something which seems just out of his reach. He seeks God.

Finally, he reaches his destination. It is here, in the cool shade of the cave, surrounded by solid rock, whispering sands, and endless sky, that he feels some peace of mind and tranquility of soul. He bends his head and surrenders himself to God, a million questions running through his mind, his heart aching for his lost people, crying out for that which will save them from the destruction they are wreaking upon themselves. Is there no hope? Is there no solution?

The answer appears, suddenly, shockingly. The Angel Jibreel, mighty and huge, with six hundred wings that span the horizon for as far as can be seen.

“Read!” The command is from God, an answer to those months of reflection, searching, praying. But Muhammad {sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam} is terrified, he does not understand. “I cannot read!” he cries, for he is illiterate, yet the Angel seizes him so tightly that he feels as though his bones will shatter.

“Read!” comes the order once more. “I cannot read!” he protests, and once again he is embraced by angelic limbs, overwhelming and unbearable.

“Read!” A third time, and this time he weeps, for his heart is full and he feels as he has never felt before. He submits himself to his Lord’s command. “What shall I read?”

{Read! Read in the Name of your Lord, Who created; created man from a clot of blood. Read! And your Lord is the Most Generous… Who has taught by the pen, taught man that which he knew not.}
(Surah al-‘Alaq, verses 1 – 5)

That night was Laylatul Qadr – the Night of Decree, of Power.

{Indeed, We sent it (the Qur’an) down during the Night of Decree! And what can make you know what is the Night of Decree? The Night of Decree is better than a thousand months; the angels and the Spirit descend therein by permission of their Lord for every matter… Peace it is until the emergence of dawn.} (Qur’an 97:1-5)

Over 1436 years later, it is the blessed month of Ramadhaan. We are in the last 10 nights, the nights in which we were commanded by the Messenger of Allah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) to seek that beautiful, incredible, life-changing moment that he himself had experienced so powerfully on that fateful night. Every year, he would seclude himself from the world to relive the majesty of Laylatul Qadr… and so too should we follow in his footsteps.

Where is our Hira? We may not have desert caves in abundance, but we don’t need them. Location is convenient, but not necessary. At work, at home, at the masjid, in our own minds, there is space and there is time. We need to seek it, create it, use it. 

The seclusion we need is more than just that of relocating oneself; it is the I’tikaaf of the soul that we require, not merely the physical. It is so easy to be caught up in the raucous, demanding minutiae of the material world; so easy to be plugged into our devices and be distracted by bits and bytes in the cyber universe. It is so much more difficult to withdraw within oneself, to spend time connecting with our Lord rather than the closest Wi Fi. Yet our souls crave precisely that – to experience the discomfort of breaking away from those things which are constantly tempting our physical senses, to feel the strain of spiritual discipline, to demand a shifting of the paradigm through which we view the world.

There is a wisdom behind Allah withholding knowledge of Laylatul Qadr’s exact timing; truly, He is the Most Wise. These nights are a challenge, an opportunity, an invitation to turn back to Him the way His Messengers did before us. We often wonder why we are so overwhelmed by life; the environment is suffering, wars are raging, morals are disappearing, people are dying by incomprehensible numbers – in body and soul. What have we done? What can we do? Usually, we shrug and turn back to our daily distractions before even beginning to answer these questions.

Yet today… tonight… and every night of Ramadhaan after this, do something different. Isolate yourself from the pundits and celebrities convincing you to think about the shallow and the vapid, and instead go back to the ultimate source of wisdom, the only true answer to all our problems: the Magnificent Words of Allah, the Criterion, the Revelation, the Qur’an.

This Ramadhaan, discover your own Hira.

{Behold! In the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the alternation of night and day, there are indeed Signs for men of understanding. Men who celebrate the praises of Allah, standing, sitting, and lying down on their sides, and contemplate the (wonders of) creation in the heavens and the earth. Our Lord! Thou hast not created this in vain! Glory be to Thee; save us then from the chastisement of the fire!}
(Surah Aal-‘Imraan, verses 190 – 191)

{Then contemplate the signs of Allah's Mercy! How He gives life to the earth after its death: verily the same will give life to the men who are dead, for He has power over all things.}
(Surah ar-Room, verse 50)

{And who does more wrong than he who is reminded of the Signs of his Lord, then turns aside therefrom? Verily, we shall exact retribution from the trangressors.}
(Surah as-Sajdah, verse 22)

True reflection leads to true submission: the essence of Islam. Just as Muhammad {sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam} surrendered himself to the command of Allah, even when he first thought he was unable to do so, so too must we overcome our reluctance, our own self-constructed obstacles towards obedience of our Lord.

On the Night of Power, a man became a Messenger of God; on the Night of Power, we too seek transformation with our Lord.

This Ramadhaan, let us find our Hira, and read.