Understanding Marriage
Umm Zainab Vanker and
Umm Khadijah continue the discussion on youthful marriages. In Part 2, they focus
on the attitudes held amongst Muslims that impede the successful implementation
of young marriages.
Two extremes are found
amongst the Muslim youth regarding marriage: Over-idealism, wherein they
imagine that marriage will make their life perfect; and severe pessimism,
wherein marriage is viewed to be the end of independence, ambition, and a
future career.
Marriage is rarely seen
for what it is: a long-term blessed bond between a Muslim man and woman, a
relationship of love, compassion, and growth in all areas of life. Islam’s
concept of marriage is a wholesome, encompassing ideal, which recognizes not
only the blessings and challenges of marriage on an individual level, but a
societal one as well. Many of the ayaat and ahadeeth relating to
the marital bond contain references to the relationship between a man and a
woman, and its effect on society at large.
The Prophet (saw) said: “If
there comes to you to marry (your daughter) one who with whose religious
commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your daughter) to him,
for if you do not do that, there will be fitnah (tribulation) in the land and
widespread corruption.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1084; classed as hasan by
al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 866.)
For those who imagine that
marriage is the secret to a Disney kind of happiness, this illusion will mostly
likely be shattered quickly, leaving them unable to cope with its reality.
No two individuals can
live together, in close proximity and for an extended period of time, without
experiencing disagreements or moments of frustration and anger.
Being unable to recognise
this, or accept this, is crippling – only by realising that this the natural
course of life, especially married life, will two spouses be able to identify
the appropriate manner of dealing with their issues and using it as a means of
strengthening their relationship, instead of allowing it to weaken and destroy
their marriage.
On the other hand, those
who see marriage in a negative light will miss out on the many wonderful things
that a loving relationship has to offer. Emotional companionship, the
fulfillment of physical desires, and the learning experience of journeying
through life with a beloved partner are all examples of what married life has
to offer. It provides one of the best opportunities for personal and emotional
growth, bringing about wisdom and insight on various matters of life. It can be
a source of deep happiness and intense joy, and indeed, some emotions that can
only be experienced through such a bond.
Allah (swt) describes spouses as being “garments for one another” (2:187);
meaning, that a husband and wife are both an adornment for one another, and a
covering for one another – that they will always make each other happy, feel
beautiful, protect each other and look out for one another.
One major problem in
youthful marriages is that of having unrealistic ideals. Whenever there are
Islamic conferences or lectures discussing marriage, usually the same technical
questions are answered over and over again. Hours of discussion revolve around
how the Sahabah married early and RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) encouraged
families not to turn away “young men of good character.”
Unfortunately, many young
Muslim men unwittingly think that they are similar to Abdullah ibn Umar, Ali
ibn Abi Talib, or Anas ibn Malik in their Deen and thus, are certain that they
will be highly sought-after as husbands! After all, they follow the Sunnah, go
to the masjid, attend duroos, lead youth programs, and are growing their
beards. Why would any sister they propose to say no?
In reality, the majority
of these young men lack basic akhlaaq (manners) in knowing how to deal with
women or even treat them according to their basic rights. They believe that as
men, they have the right to do whatever they want and say whatever they wish;
they will lay down the rules! They know their rights!
Many Muslim men,
especially those who are young and single, do not realise that marriage is not
about being “the boss” and exercising their power over their wives.
On the other hand, young
Muslim women have unrealistic expectations as well. From the very beginning,
many demand a high mahr and lay out conditions in the ‘aqd
(contract) to make it clear that she will only do certain things and cannot be
restricted from anything. A Muslim woman’s right, they believe, is that she
does not have to cook, clean, or do housework if she doesn’t want to; and if
she does, it is out of charity to the husband.
She can demand a maid, ask
for expensive clothing, be kept at the standard or above that which she is used
to – despite the fact that she has her own earnings from her own work! She
knows her rights and is not prepared to be flexible.
The problem here is that
both sides are focusing on what they can get out of the marriage as
individuals, to fulfill their own materialistic or egotistic needs. They are
interested only in exacting their own rights from the other party, without
considering their spouse’s rights over them. These days, very few people teach
Muslim youth that marriage requires great sacrifice from both sides. It is a
MUST that one knows how to give the other person their rights before demanding
your own.
In order for young Muslims
to truly enjoy the benefits of youthful marriage, it is imperative that they be
equipped with a realistic, holistic view of what it will entail. This can be
achieved by merging an understanding of RasulAllah’s behavior in his marriages
with the understanding that one cannot impose their own expectations on the
other individual without taking into consideration that person’s character flaws
and strengths.
Umm Zainab Vanker and Umm Khadijah (AnonyMouse) are both
products and veterans of youthful marriage; Umm Zainab got married at the age
of 17, and her daughter followed suit! A combination of personal experience and
observation of Muslim youth today encouraged them to take a critical look at
the necessity and challenges of youthful marriages.
2 comments:
I got married at 18 and that marriage ended. I feel that getting married young requires that people understand Islamic marriage requirements fully 9on themselves and for their spuses as well). I may have the right not to have to cook or clean but then, so did women of the Sahaba who nearly broke their backs excersising their husband's horses and carrying water right?: Personally, I did not. I thought a Muslim man is one that is a Muslim and reads Qu'ran. Like you said, there is alot more to it than that;).
When I was divorced and thinking to marry again, I still preferred the idea of my first husband to the brothers who think they are religious but forget all a woman's rights in Islam and think of just their own.
I do think we should hold out for ideals---but Islamic ideals. Waiting for a man who IS interested and involved in his religion should be required... but knwoing his udnerstanding of Islamic rights for women and a gentle and patient demeanor is also required.
Nice article. Jazakallakhier.
Jazakumllahukairan Sis, very beautiful article, I think our Muslim brothers need to learn this,to be nice and merciful to their spouses.
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