The Mother of Revolution: Aasiyah

The revolution that Musa ('alayhissalaam) brought to Egypt would not have been possible without the role of Aasiyah ('alayhassalaam).

His adoptive mother, she played a powerful role in raising him to be the man he was: a man of nobility, ethics, with keen sense of justice. Raised in the palace of Pharoah, Musa could have been spoiled & arrogant, but it was undoubtedly Aasiyah's wisdom & compassion that guided him to be aware of himself as far more than just a privileged prince of Egypt.

Who knows if she sat at his bedside when he was a child & murmured to him the tale of how he was brought into her arms, the Nile River depositing the basket carrying its unexpected gift of a son.

No doubt it was Aasiyah who answered his questions about why he didn't look like the other children, why he carried the stamp of Bani Isra'eel on his features... why he was still alive, & safe, in the Pharoah's palace while every other year, the land was witness to a massacre of infant boys & the rivers flooded with the tears of their mothers.

No doubt Aasiyah's heart broke every time she remembered the fact that her beloved almost-son could have been one of those babies.

No doubt that she treasured him all the more for it; no doubt that she taught him what it meant to stand up against injustice, knowing that silence & inaction from those in positions of influence would only lead to more horror.

It was Aasiyah who raised Musa; a queen who raised a Prophet; a woman who raised one of the greatest revolutionaries the world has ever known.

Today, we must be Aasiyah.

We must be the mothers who raise our children to be aware of the injustice around them, to teach them that the privileges we enjoy are a responsibility to do more, to fight against the horrors surrounding us, to dedicate ourselves to changing the world for the better, to speak against the Pharoahs of our nations, to be determined to do everything possible - even the impossible - for the sake of Divine Justice.

The likes of Aasiyah are the ones who will raise the likes of Musa (as) - and so we are to live like Aasiyah, that we may die like Aasiyah - with absolute conviction in our beliefs, with love for our Creator burning so strongly in our hearts that no human injustice can break us, knowing that even when we pass away, our legacy of faith & justice & revolution will live on in our children & our children's children.

...

A tyrant rises to power, ruling his nation with cruelty and hatred. In one fell swoop, he creates a giant chasm between two segments of society — those whom he belongs to, and those whom he has declared outsiders. For years, he considers himself successful in enforcing his agenda of prejudice and discrimination… until revolution arises from the very heart of his land, kindled in the heart of the person he least suspects.

Some three thousand years ago, the Pharaoh of Egypt was one of the most notable individuals to implement hatred and murder as public policy.

{Ta, Sin, Mim.
These are Verses of the Book that makes (things) clear.
We recite to you from the account of Moses and Pharaoh with truth for people who believe.
Indeed, Pharaoh exalted himself in the earth and made its people castes. A tribe among them he oppressed, killing their sons and sparing their women. Indeed, he was of the corrupters.} [Surat Al-Qasas, 28:1-]

Even as he sent his soldiers throughout Egypt to massacre infants, considering himself safe for as long as babies’ blood flowed as regularly as the Nile, a woman of Bani Isra’il cradled her son and then cast him into the river.

{And We inspired to the mother of Moses, “Suckle him; but when you fear for him, cast him into the river and do not fear and do not grieve. Indeed, We will return him to you and will make him [one] of the messengers.”} [Surat Al-Qasas, 28:7]

From the cradle of one mother into the embrace of another: Allah caused the Nile to carry young Musa straight into the arms of ‘Asiyah, the wife of Pharaoh.

And the family of Pharaoh picked him up [out of the river] so that he would become to them an enemy and a [cause of] grief. Indeed, Pharaoh and Haman and their soldiers were deliberate sinners.

{And the wife of Pharaoh said, “A comfort of the eye for me and for you! Do not kill him; perhaps he may benefit us, or we may adopt him as a son.” And they perceived not.} [Surat Al-Qasas, 28:8-9]

In these moments, Musa gained his second mother: she who did not birth him, but who raised him from infancy to become the man he was to be: a man of nobility and ethics, with a keen sense of justice. In the heart of Pharaoh’s palace, ‘Asiyah, the queen of Egypt, held her adopted son close and gave him the spiritual and intellectual education he needed to bring forth a revolution unlike any other.

Surrounded by wealth and luxury, protected by the privilege of his adopted parents’ power, Musa could have grown up to be spoiled and arrogant, entitled and apathetic to the plight of those who shared his blood. Undoubtedly, it was ‘Asiyah’s wisdom and compassion that guided him to be aware of himself as far more than just a pampered prince of Egypt.

Perhaps she sat at his bedside when he was a child and murmured to him the tale of how he was brought into her arms, the Nile River depositing the basket carrying its unexpected gift of a son.

Perhaps it was she who answered his questions about why he didn’t look like the other children, why he carried the stamp of Bani Isra’il on his features; why he was still alive, and safe, in the Pharaoh’s palace while every other year, the land was witness to a massacre of infant boys and the rivers flooded with the tears of their mothers.

Perhaps her heart broke every time she gazed upon the young boy who was the coolness of her eyes, remembering that her beloved almost-son had very nearly been one of those slaughtered children.

Perhaps she told him, her voice wavering with emotion, that the only power she had to stop the blood-lust of her husband lay in that moment when she held baby Musa in her arms and beseeched Pharaoh to, just once, save an innocent life.

No doubt that she treasured him all the more for it; no doubt that in that one moment of unimaginable courage in the face of a murder, ‘Asiyah taught Musa what it meant to stand up against injustice. It was ‘Asiyah, more than anyone else, who knew that silence and inaction from those in positions of influence would only lead to more horror.

It was ‘Asiyah who raised Musa: a queen who raised a Prophet; a woman who raised one of the greatest revolutionaries the world has ever known.

Today, we must be ‘Asiyah.

Today, as we witness murderers and madmen ruling our lands, we must be the ‘Asiyahs: We must be the parents who raise our children to be aware of the injustice around them, to teach them that the privileges we enjoy are a responsibility to do more, to fight against the horrors surrounding us, to dedicate ourselves to changing the world for the better, to speak against the Pharoahs of our nations, to be determined to do everything possible – even the impossible – for the sake of Divine Justice.

The likes of ‘Asiyah are the ones who will raise the likes of Musa – and so we are to live like ‘Asiyah, that we may die like ‘Asiyah – with absolute conviction in our beliefs, with love for our Creator burning so strongly in our hearts that no human injustice can break us, knowing that even when we pass away, our legacy of faith and justice and revolution will live on in our children and our children’s children.

It is ‘Asiyah who teaches us, just as she taught Musa the meaning of courage and conviction, in her life and even in her death – for though she was killed by Pharaoh for her belief in Allah, Allah elevated her amongst all of humankind and immortalized her final prayer in the Quran:

{And Allah presents an example of those who believed: the wife of Pharaoh, when she said, “My Lord, build for me near You a house in Paradise and save me from Pharaoh and his deeds and save me from the wrongdoing people.”} [Surat Al-Tahrim, 66:11]

#ForgottenHeroines

A Tribute to My Grandfather, my first qawwam

My grandfather is the first man who exemplified what #TrueQawwam means to me.

He was a man whose circumstances didn't allow for him to pursue higher education, yet whose love for learning ensured that he never stopped seeking knowledge in some way - whether that meant being a voracious reader, watching National Geographic non-stop, keeping up to date with both local & world politics, ensuring that his children and grandchildren understood the importance of knowledge, of all types.

He had married young - at age 18 - but never lost his spirit of wanderlust, his love for adventure, his willingness to work hard & do whatever he could for his family.

He was an incredible husband, father, and grandfather - though I don't know nearly enough about him when he was younger, I have so many amazing memories of him and his relationship with my grandmother in particular.

She had a habit of sleeping early, before Isha, and waking before Fajr in order to pray Isha and Tahajjud and recite Qur'an. He would awake with her, making sure that she had water next to her, making her coffee and bringing her biscuits as she sat in her bed and recited in the lamplight. He would rest for some time, then get up for Fajr & while my grandmother went back to bed, he would get up and go about his day.
I'd creep out of bed, following the sound of the deep murmur of his voice at the dining room table, where he would be reciting his own daily wird, wearing his house thobe and topi. Sometimes I'd fall asleep again on the couch behind him, and then wake up again to find him reading the newspapers with a cup of coffee and cookies at hand. He'd always save the last few sips for me, and then he'd make me breakfast and we'd watch weekend cartoons together - he loved the Looney Toons as much as I did, and we could watch the same old classics for hours.

But then it was time to be a man and take care of things. He always dressed sharply, even on weekends - he would iron his trousers with a crisp crease, his shirts impeccable and always paired with a waistcoat or knitted vest, even if he was only going to be at home. On Jumu'ah, he would always wear a suit and tie and gleaming dress shoes, scented with 'itr and carrying himself with great dignity.

His level of care for my grandmother was without peer.
He would help her choose an outfit for the day, iron her clothing, & make her breakfast; they would discuss what they were going to cook or bake on that day (they were both amazing in the kitchen), and he would set out all the necessary equipment & ingredients. If my grandmother didn't feel like doing much in the kitchen (which was rarely), he'd often decide to make something anyway. He hated to buy samosa pastry or puff pastry from the store -he had his own recipes he'd perfected over the years.

Before I first got married, he made sure to teach me how to make both pastries - from beginning to end. (Unfortunately, I didn't inherit his culinary genius, & have made neither recipe since that day.) He had no shame whatsoever in rolling up his sleeves & tying on an apron.

Instead, he took pride in his work - he showed me that a real man does all things with Ihsaan, whether it's wielding a rolling pin or sharpening his blade before slaughtering the Udh'hiyah.

That was another one of our family traditions; he would slaughter on behalf of all his family every 'Eid al-Ad'ha. For a long time, he would slaughter animals regularly for zabiha meat, both for the family & the community.
He'd make an event out of it; we would drive up island to the farm of a butcher he knew, & we'd take samosas & badha roti, & my siblings & I would watch in fascination as he scratched the ears of the lambs before speaking kindly to them, laying them down, & reciting the basmala.
The knife flashed, blood would spurt, & between my grandfather & the butcher, the animal would be taken care of, skinned, & cut up in a matter of hours. Strange as it may seem, those moments taught me what it meant to have compassion even while ending an animal's life.

He was a gentleman of the old school: always courteous, always chivalrous, always smiling. He would hold the door open for my grandmother & others; he would refer to everyone as Sir or Ma'am or Young Man or Young Lady; he always tried to assist those who needed help.

He was definitely a people person, always interested in people's life stories and experiences. Right till the end, he would make a point of learning people's names and their family histories; his nurses commented on his sense of humour and his interest in everyone, no matter that he might never even see them again. He made everyone feel special and cared for, truly embodying the Sunnah of RasulAllah.

There is so much more about him that I don't know, that I can't recall, that would take hours to mention... but this is just a glimpse of one of the greatest men in my life, who impacted the life of everyone he ever came across.

May Allah have mercy on him, forgive him his sins, and grant him ease in his grave, ameen.

A Day of Judgment and Justice

The Day of Judgment exists because justice is not always meted out in this world, and even when it is, it is carried out by human standards and it is rarely ever resolved in a manner that gives each person their absolute due.

On the Day of Judgment, no human being can plead with the judge or jury for sympathy or justify their actions or silence their opponents; on the Day of Judgment, there will only be Divine Justice against which none can utter a word of opposition.

Human transgressions against the rights of others are so easy to commit, so easy to justify, so easy to defend. If we do not hold ourselves accountable for them right now, know that there will be a Day when we will be held accountable by the Most Just. Even the animals on that Day will have their rights in this world avenged - how much more so, then, will the rights of other people be upheld and exacted?

" “Allaah will judge between His creation, jinn, men and animals. On that Day, Allaah will let the hornless animal settle its score with the horned until, when there is nothing left to be settled, Allaah will say to them, ‘Be dust.’" (Silsilat asSaheeha)

It was narrated from Abu Dharr that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was sitting, and two sheep locked horns until one of them defeated and subdued the other. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) smiled and someone asked him, “Why are you smiling, O Messenger of Allaah?” He said, “It is amazing. By the One in Whose hand is my soul, their score will be settled on the Day of Resurrection.”

“O Abu Dharr, do you know what they are fighting over?” He said, “No.” He said, “But Allaah knows and He will judge between them.”

Women Abuse, Too

It is disturbing to know that women verbally abusing their husbands during fights is not viewed as equally abhorrent as men being verbally abusive to their wives. As Muslims, male or female, one should never allow themselves to be so overcome with anger that they find it easy to spit out vile words to each other - particularly to one's spouse, who deserves our greatest efforts in controlling our tempers.
Even worse is when women laugh it off or shrug it off as 'just another fight, no big deal.' It IS a big deal. Even in moments of anger, the angels are writing down every word that passes through our lips, and a single word can be seen in the Sight of Allah as worse than an ocean of poison.
It doesn't matter what hardships we face as women, we *don't* have a blank cheque to flip our ish and go ballistic.
At bare minimum, we must be conscious that we are being held accountable by Allah for our words and actions, even if it doesn't involve our spouses or our children. But when it's targeted towards them, towards those whom we are meant to be a source of comfort and safety, how much more terrible is it, especially if we are the first to demand excellence of treatment?
More than ever, it is necessary for us to admit and acknowledge that abuse is not a solely male-to-female problem - we too are equally responsible for perpetuating it, even if we don't view it as something that serious, let alone abusive.
The upholding of women's rights does not equate the eradication of basic adab and akhlaaq, towards men or anyone else.

Indeed, God is with the Patient

When we think about the Saabireen, oftentimes we need look no further than our own parents or spouses or the masjid aunty/uncle we say salaam to every Jumu'ah.

People who are complete strangers to us and those whom we are closest to can be of those who endure trials and tribulations so difficult that we cannot possibly understand what they endure... and yet they do, with taqwa and smiles that mask all that they have to go through in life. Allah alone knows the true depths of patience they exhibit in moments of heart-wrenching agony.

Whether it's financial struggles, health issues, relationship difficulties, family matters, or any other type of personal and spiritual fitnah, the Saabireen are not those who find it easy to coast through these tests, but may in fact find it even more difficult to experience them and restrain their anger, frustration, and hurt. They are not necessarily perfect, they may well find themselves making mistakes that they regret with regards to how they react, but they are also the first to turn to Allah in repentance for their frustration and beg Him to make them stronger and able to pass His tests in a manner pleasing to Him.

The Saabireen are not merely those who spend their days in fasting and prayer and who display outward piety, but those who struggle within themselves during times of deep human pain and are able to - if only by a thread - control their words and their actions when others would find it easy to justify their rage.

And truly, for those who are able to accomplish such a feat, Allah has promised: {Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account.}

Listening to my father reciting aloud in Salatul Maghrib and watching my daughter praying with him makes me feel dangerously sentimental.

For real, though - the simple act of a Muslim man leading his household in such a basic and fundamental act of worship is powerful. So is a Muslim woman leading her family's womenfolk in salah - for one's daughters to hear a woman's voice rise in the recitation of Qur'an.

It is so, so important for children to see & hear both parents/elders of both genders leading them in salah. It will impact them forever. On a spiritual and emotional level, the sight & sound of witnessing and participating in 'ebaadah together is indelible to a child's psyche.

You'd never guess which moments will stay with them forever... for me, it's the sound of my father reciting the last few ayaat of Surah YaSeen and Surah alQiyaamah in Isha, of hearing my grandmother complete her daily wird every day after Salatul Fajr, of seeing my mother cradling her mus'haf after Maghrib, of my grandfather's baritone rumbling with the Divine Words.

For my daughter, I hope that she too carries moments like these in her heart - that she remembers praying with her family, that she recalls her sujjaadah laid out next to mine, our feet nestled together, her purple prayer outfit swishing against the folds of my abayah, that her ears echo with the recitation of the Qur'an in the mornings and evenings.

Rabbi ij'alni muqeem assalaati wa min thurriyyati, Rabbana wa taqabbal du'a.

Mahr Q&A

Regarding the issue of stipulating salawaat, ayaat of the Qur'an, or obligatory acts of worship such as Hajj for a woman's mahr (1):

The story of Umm Sulaym (radhiAllahu 'anha) cannot be used as an evidence for the validity of requesting a mahr that is related to worship or thing without a specific value.
The incident regarding Umm Sulaym (radhiAllahu 'anha) and Abu Tal'ha (radhiAllahu 'anhu) took place before the Hijrah, whereas aayah 24 of Surah anNisaa', which specifically mentions the Mahr, was revealed several years after the Hijrah of RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam).(2)

All four madhaahib are agreed upon that the Mahr must constitute something of value.
"As one of the conditions is the status of dowry itself; being lawful and having pecuniary value in terms of a commodity whose transaction is considered legal by Islamic law."(3)

To illustrate:
يجوز جعل المصحف ذاته مهرا لكونه متمولا، ولا يجوز جعل العمل به مهرا لكون ذلك غير متمول.

"It is permitted to set the written copy of Quran as mahr because it is of monetary value, but it is not permissible to set acting upon the Quran as mahr as it has no monetary value." (4)

However, women do have the right to waive their dowry if they choose to do so freely and without coercion. (5)

RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) gave all his wives a Mahr of monetary value. Dollar-to-dollar, the price depends upon currency etc. but it was, at the time, equivalent to 1487.5 grams of silver. (6)

1) http://www.ahlalhdeeth.com/vb/showthread.php?t=230073

2) حدهما: أن ذلك كان قبل هجرة رسول الله (صلى الله عليه وسلم) بمدة، لأن أبا طلحة قديم الإسلام من أول الأنصار إسلاماً، ولم يكن نزل إيجاب إيتاء النساء صدقاتهن. الثاني: " أنه ليس في ذلك الخبر أن رسول الله (صلى الله عليه وسلم) علم ذلك ".
http://www.almoslim.net/node/225727

http://www.englishtafsir.com/quran/4/

3) http://fiqh.huquq.com/2012/02/dowry.html

4) http://www.ahlalhdeeth.com/vb/showthread.php?t=230073

5) http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/index.php…

6) https://islamqa.info/en/3119

Our Men's Pain

As much as I rail on about what Muslim women face, I do want to take a moment to say that many of us don't recognize that many Muslim men go through heartache, racism, discrimination, painful marriages & even more painful divorces, and so much more.

Women suffer because of toxic masculinity, but men are the first victims of it - when their own sense of self is battered and broken almost from infancy. There are very few men who are raised to understand and implement true qiwamah - with all the positive attributes of masculinity rather than merely the outward trappings.

Regardless, Muslim men go through so much on a daily basis, in ways that we almost never even think of. Mental health, physical health, self esteem, spirituality, family pressures, struggling to break away from certain types of cultural programming... as women, we are often so focused on the pain that we face constantly, that we don't recognize the pain that our men go through.

And while it is, in a way, socially acceptable for us to air our grievances - at least amongst ourselves - men don't always have that luxury. In so many cases, Muslim men find themselves being reamed out in public and in private, with few places to turn for emotional support - including from their spouses.

And yes, we women complain that our men don't understand & support us emotionally, but we don't realize that while we often have safe spaces to turn to other women & find consolation, our men rarely do. Sometimes, just sometimes, we need to be there for them the way we have others who are there for us.

Allah describes spouses as garments for each other, as those with whom we should find tranquility, & while I (& others) spend an awful lot of time berating men to be that type of spouse, we need to remember that those ayaat apply to us too. Being a supportive wife isn't just about cooking his meals & popping out his kids; it's also about setting aside our own egos and being willing to listen and to comfort and to support. You don't even have to agree with him, but you can certainly make him feel that he isn't on trial from the moment he opens his mouth.

Our men are strong, but they aren't invulnerable. They screw up, but they're not (all) villains. They're (usually) upholding the patriarchy, but they're not always misogynistic. They are human & crave the sweetness of the human experience just as much as we do. Often, they are wounded & hurting far more than we can imagine, & yet take on still more for the sake of their parents, their wives, and their children.

These men are, in many ways, #TrueQawwam even if they are not perfectly so.

#AndNowBackToOurRegularlyScheduledProgramOfTakingDownThePatriarchy

"How would you feel if it was your daughter?"

"Brothers, how would you feel if someone abused your mother/ sister/ wife/ daughter?"

Guys.
Guys.
You don't get it. Dearest shuyookh, your intentions are sweet, but you don't get it.

Men DO abuse their mothers, sisters, wives and daughters. They watch their mothers, sisters, wives and daughters be abused.
And they let it happen.

Maybe they don't always approve of it. Maybe they feel bad. Maybe they genuinely think it's terrible.
But they let it happen.

"She's married now, we can't interfere."
"She needs to be more patient, all men get angry sometimes."
"She just needs to stop being stubborn and get used to it."
"Divorce is the most hated thing in the sight of Allah."
"Men will handle their own business, we can't get involved."

And so another generation of sons, brothers, husbands and fathers grow up watching their womenfolk being lashed at with both words and fists. It's normal, after all.

Some will break the cycle, recalling the horror they witnessed; these men, the true qawwam, will block the blows rained down upon their mothers and protect their daughters and show their wives only the greatest respect.

But many will not, because gheerah is no longer about protecting one's womenfolk from harm, but about protecting male ego and so-called honour built upon insecurity.

"Brothers, how would you feel if someone abused your mother/ sister/ wife/ daughter?"

Not enough to make it stop.

Barakah

How do you know if there is barakah in your life? So often, it seems to be an almost indescribable quality, a concept that's difficult to recognise due to it being so unquantifiable.

And yet, you will know when you have it.

When the food in your fridge comes together in a wholesome meal that satisfies the family; when your paycheque stretches more than you ever imagined it could; when being with your loved ones fills you with contentment; when you experience joy in the simplest of things; when your fears and worries no longer overwhelm you so much; when difficult times are bearable because you know that they're a means of bringing you closer to Allah; when you don't feel the gnawing urge to make more, spend more, accumulate more; when good things happen unexpectedly and you're eager to share the benefits with others; when you find yourself indifferent to shallow societal standards and are happy with living your life your own way... all of these are signs of barakah in your life.

Outward wealth or meeting arbitrary standards set by others are no marker of how blessed you are. How you feel about what you already have, however, most certainly is.

Verily, Allah is the source of all blessing and He is the Most Generous to His slaves.

...

I once wrote about how one can tell if there is barakah in their life - how one feels a sense of contentment, of richness and fullness in their lives even when things are, outwardly, difficult.

How, then, does one tell if we *don't* have barakah in our lives?

If barakah is blessing and spiritual fulfillment, then its opposite is its loss.

To be starved of barakah is to find oneself reluctant to pray even the briefest of voluntary rak'aat, to glance at one's mus'haf and think absently, "I'll read it later," only for the glossy emerald green cover and gilded script become dull beneath a thin veneer of dust.

To be starved of barakah is to feel restless and anxious, to feel a gnawing ache for more, to accumulate more, to demand more; to outwardly have all the trappings of success and privilege handed to you on a silver platter, yet there is no true joy or beauty in one's heart.

To be starved of barakah is to have one's bank account filled with wealth earned from haraam; to have debts both material and spiritual strangling one's sense of peace; to eat an extravagant meal that fails to abate the appetite; to constantly crave the next fix, the next big hit, unable to quell the yearning desire for something inexplicably just beyond our reach.

It is terrible and heartrending, a malady unrecognized by doctors or self-help books - but not without cure. Ash-Shaafi, the Healer is also al-Qareeb, the Ever-Close; He is Al-Mujeeb, the Ever Responsive to our calls - and He has promised us that there is always, always, a way out of the abyss.

{He who draws close to Me a hand's span, I will draw close to him an arm's length. And whoever draws near Me an arm's length, I will draw near him a fathom's length. And whoever comes to Me walking, I will go to him running. And whoever faces Me with sins nearly as great as the earth, I will meet him with forgiveness nearly as great as that, provided he does not worship something with me.} (Hadith Qudsi)

Sh Muhammad Akram Nadwi on Female Leadership

This won't be too detailed, but a really interesting tidbit from Sh Akram:

With regards to the hadith of Abu Bakra about how a nation will never succeed if they are led by a woman, it has been taken greatly out of context and misunderstood.

The full story is that RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) sent a letter of da'wah to the Kisrah, who tore up the letter. In response, RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) made du'a that his empire be torn up just as he tore up the letter. Shortly after, Kisrah died, and his daughter was elected the ruler. When RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) heard the news, he made the remark that is so well known today - "Never will a people be successful who give their leadership to a woman."

However, what is not taken into consideration is that he was remarking *very specifically* about the nation of Kisrah - that *they* (a people who had made a woman their leader) would never be successful, not because their leader was a woman, but because RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) had made du'a for their entire empire to be destroyed.
Specifying "a people... who give their leadership to a woman" was merely referring to the people of Kisrah, whom (it appears) were unique at the time for having a female leader. Yet it must be understood that the hadith of Abu Bakra is not a blanket statement to be used at preventing women from having *any* positions of authority.

As a side note - Abu Bakra was the sole Sahabi to use this hadith as an evidence against recognizing or acknowledging A'ishah's leadership in the Battle of the Camel. If, truly, the hadith was meant as a general statement against women being leaders at all, then surely the many, many other Sahabah who were still alive at that time would have used it as an evidence against A'ishah and used it to warn her that she was not allowed to assume leadership of men. Instead, numerous Companions of RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) accompanied her, and even those who opposed her politically during that time did not ever use this statement against her.

One point that Sh Akram made in his explanation of the hadith on female leadership was that sometimes RasulAllah used a general phrase while referring to a specific individual.
There was another incident wherein this can also be found:

Abu Hurairah (radhiAllahu 'anhu) narrated a hadith which said, "The child of zina is the worst of the three."
When A'ishah (radhiAllahu 'anha) heard about this, she said, "May Allah forgive Abu Hurairah! He did not hear correctly and thus he is not teaching correctly. The hadith was not said like this. Rather, there was once a man from the hypocrites of Medinah who used to verbally abuse RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) a great deal. This eventually upset him, and he asked his Companions, 'Who amongst you is willing to protect me from this man?' They told him, 'This man, in addition to his already ugly character, is also a child of zina.' Thereupon RasulAllah commented, 'The child of zina (i.e. this man) is the worst of the three (i.e. even worse than his parents, who committed the sin of zina).'"

Thus we can see that out of a certain type of eloquence (and tact), a general phrase was used by RasulAllah that was known and understood by all his Companions in attendance to refer to a specific individual.

And Allah knows best.

A Woman's Honour

I am particularly repulsed by the Muslim males on social media who feel perfectly at ease referring to Muslim women by various vulgar terms that insinuate aspersions against their chastity ("hoejabi" etc), claiming that they are doing da'wah by calling out fitnah. In truth, it has nothing to do with da'wah or gheerah, and everything to do with these males' inability (& perhaps refusal) to lower their gaze & control their own painfully adolescent hormones.
Not to mention that when they take it upon themselves to police the words & actions of other women who don't fit their particular model of "ideal Muslimah-ness" (i.e. invisible), often - once again - they resort to crude insinuations.

The issue of adab aside, the biggest no-no here is that for ANYONE to smear a Muslim woman by attacking her chastity is horrifically wrong. (Then again, I don't expect these punks to have read the Qur'an beyond the second half of Juz 'Amma, let alone read Surah Nur or its tafseer.)

To spell it out for those who can't be bothered to actually open the Qur'an or listen to a tafseer on the topic - slandering a woman's chastity carries a Hadd punishment of 80 lashes, having one's testimony be rejected permanently, & being labeled as one of the Faasiqoon.

There is a huge difference between faahisha (lewdness) & zina (fornication). Seeing someone flirt, dress inappropriately etc is NOT zina. As much as we are to despise faahishah in all its forms, we *cannot* label anyone perceived as immodest as zaani/zaaniyah. The requirement for 4 witnesses in order to claim fornication is extremely serious. The Sahabah held themselves to that standard strictly, as demonstrated in the story of Abu Bakra - and we are to hold ourselves to that selfsame standard.

https://islamqa.info/en/108955

Males of Muslim Twitter/ Facebook/ social media, chew on that for a bit before chewing out Muslim women whom you know nothing about, & whose honour is worth more in the Sight of Allah than your pathetic egos & obsession with control. Acting pious & religious while violating the rights of a fellow believer is a very obvious sign that you are not, in fact, pious at all.

And if all that isn't enough for y'all, I leave you with the story of Al-Ghaamidiyyah: the Sahabiyyah who committed zina, who begged for the Hadd to be implemented on her, & whose Tawbah was sufficient for seventy of the people of Medinah. Her honour was greater than yours.

Bent Ribs

A hadith commonly quoted about women is the "bent rib" hadith - of which there are several variations.

An issue of note is the language often used to explain the hadith, which is often condescending & patronizing. Many times it comes off as men telling other men "women - you can't live with them, and you can't live without'em." It's a very wink-wink-nudge-nudge, women-are-so-emotional-&-immature, we just have to tolerate them... at least they're good for something, eh? - type of mentality.

And it made me think - just as the female scholars of old understood ayaat and ahadith to have certain wisdoms based on their own perspectives as women - how would women explain the bent rib hadith?

Ribs are part of the skeletal structure, created a very specific way so as to perform a specific function. A rib is not meant to do the same job as a kneecap, & isn't expected to. We recognize & admire the fact that we *have* ribs, that they are protecting some of our most vulnerable organs. A broken rib hurts like hell. We respect ribs, okay? We don't say, "Oh, well, look at this rib... can't do a femur's job & everyone knows a femur is more important than a rib, & look at how bent that rib is, ugh. Guess we may as well put up with it tho, it's not totally useless."

Terrible analogy aside, let's be real.We women were created by Al-Musawwir, the Fashioner, Who never creates anything half-heartedly or without reason. Does His creation not deserve respect, especially when His Messenger enjoined & emphasized our rights?

We acknowledge that all human beings have shortcomings - male & female. Neither gender is particularly better than the other. Yet in Islamic literature, we see that the language used to address women's 'shortcomings' has a very different tone to it.

"To break her is to divorce her" - such were RasulAllah's words, not to insult, but to warn men of the consequences of trying to force a woman into being someone that she is not. Ya3ni respect her as she is, warts & all, rather than trying to turn her into your personal Stepford wife. (Although that is *not* an excuse for women to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions or striving to improve oneself as a believer and a person.)

It worries me when I see the advice being peddled as "women are crooked/inferior, so just tolerate them as they are." I'm pretty sure that RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) treated his wives - & all women - with more than just condescending tolerance. It may seem to be a minor thing to quibble over, but language is powerful & influences attitudes & mentalities at a very deep, almost subconscious level.

So many women have told me that they've had fathers or husbands belittle & humiliate them using ahadith such as the bent rib one - which is horrific. How can one use the words of Allah's Messenger, the Mercy to Mankind, as a means of causing pain to another believer? But this is precisely the reality that so many of us experience, directly as a result of the way these ahadith are taught & explained.

The Qur'an tells us: {The believing men and believing women are allies of one another.} (Qur'an 9:71)

How can we be awliyaa' of each other when we have such negative attitudes towards half of our Ummah? More than ever, we need to change how we teach the words of Allah and His Messenger in order to reflect the true spirit of respect and love for the Sake of Allah that we are commanded to have for one another, male and female alike.

How to Support Female Scholarship

How can we support/ promote female scholarship? (Note: this will all come from a very traditional/ conservative/ Orthodox perspective bc I always do.)

- Acknowledge that for many, many decades, Muslim women have *not* had the same resources, access, and opportunities for seeking Islamic knowledge that men have.

This is due to a variety of factors - whether it is outright exclusion (such as from Medinah University - and yeah, I know this is pretty much just relevant to Salafis, but let's face it, a huge percentage of Western shuyookh today are graduates from there and it has had a huge impact on Islam in the West); limitations both legal, financial, and familial (foreign women can't study in Saudi without a mahram, who is not allowed to legally work while residing there; many women can't support themselves financially if they choose to study full-time at a traditional seminary, and few have support systems that will take care of them financially; many women have parents or spouses who disapprove or outright prohibit them from studying the Deen in such a manner; those who do have supportive parents/ spouses might end up pregnant or already have children, without the financial or extended family support network to facilitate full time serious studies).

This doesn't mean btw that *no* women have been able to pursue serious Islamic studies from traditional seminaries, or that there are no men who support their wives in seeking knowledge - obviously this is not true - but it is a very serious factor that has affected the average Muslim woman’s ability to do so.

- Understand that many of the opportunities available today are very recent iniatives - online institutes have flourished over the last 5-10 years alHamdulillah but that doesn't change the fact that for decades before that, they didn't exist (bc the Internet didn't). 

Growing up, my dream was to be able to study Islam the way my father got to, and the way that it was already assumed and known that my brothers could if they wanted to. That never happened because solely by virtue of being a female, I was not logistically able to go to the same institutes. (And the one opportunity that I did have, after having earned a sponsored scholarship to study Arabic overseas, was promptly nixed because of my then-husband.)

- Supporting women to study the Deen doesn't mean saying, "Look you can study online so easily, go ahead! But make sure that you cook, clean, and raise my children satisfactorily and without complaint, and make sure that I don't feel neglected or inconvenienced in any way, shape, or form." 

It means recognizing that women with children in particular are in need of financial and domestic support (whether that means housekeeping, a babysitter or extended family to help with the kids, or otherwise) as well as emotional support (the husband making personal sacrifices in order to provide the time and space for the wife to study).

- Supporting female scholarship means that when you find out about women with Islamic knowledge, seek to have them included and involved in the community - both amongst other women and with the entire community at large.

Yes, some female teachers prefer to only teach other women, and that's fine. But there are also many who are happy to engage in more public da'wah roles, to speak to mixed audiences, to share their knowledge and their unique perspectives to everyone.

Don't assume that a 'pious' female scholar will automatically be against mixed gender audiences. Many female teachers today, such as Sh Tamara Gray, Sh Muslema Purmul, and numerous others have no problem appearing in public. 

Don't claim to support female teachers but, when they are to be a part of an event or program, sideline them or relegate them to some corner or treat them with any less respect and seriousness than you would show a male teacher in their position.

Don't assume that just because you don't know who the female teachers are, that they don't exist. Don't say, "oh, well, where are their organizations then if they've been doing so much?" Make a damn effort to learn about them, especially if you yourself are a part of a da'wah organization or masjid board and in a place to build platforms for all teachers of Islamic knowledge. And once you know about them, support them and promote them in the same way that you do with male du'aat and shuyookh.

- Acknowledge the female da'ees, teachers, and shaykhaat. Call them by the titles they deserve - whether it be Ustadha or Shaykha or Aalimah or otherwise. Enough of this "sister so-and-so" when the "sister" has spent 10 years acquiring Islamic knowledge, with the appropriate ijaazas and experience, while Bro Fresh over here who just got out of Medinah and still wet-behind-the-ears is adoringly addressed as "ya shaykh!" 

(And don't give me the "a sign of modesty and piety is to not want to be called by a title" - y'all still be calling Bro Fresh "shaykh" and I don't hear anyone questioning his piety or modesty.)

- For the men in particular, if your daughter/ sister/ wife/ niece/ any woman at all that you know expresses a serious interest in pursuing Islamic studies, help her in any way that you can. Find out where she can study, how you can facilitate it for her (financially or otherwise), make sure that her marriage contract contains the clause that she *must* be allowed to continue and complete her Islamic education, and that yes, she has the right to *not* have kids until that happens.

The first time in my life that I was able to complete anything resembling a formal Islamic education was when my father took the time to drive me, for 30-45 mins each way, after work, three times a week, to the Islamic center where I could take classes to complete a diploma. My mother watched my daughter for me on the nights that she didn't come with me to class. The second time I was able to take Islamic classes, was because my now-husband encouraged me to do so and paid for them when I couldn't, and I was in a situation where I had the time and space to complete those classes comfortably.

11 Things I Learned from my Now-Husband

When I got my divorce at age 23, I was a thoroughly embittered, cynical woman with a solid sense of suspicion towards (most) Muslim men, the idea of love, and marriage as romanticized by popular culture and sanitized by Muslim literature and lectures.

Then I got married again. And  I was still bitter and cynical and suspicious about men and marriage and love. But I muddled along anyway, doing many incredibly dumb things along the way, and collected a few more life lessons while I was at it.

1- Marriage is Really, Really Hard. And I don’t just mean the fact that I’m in poly and live in another country. I mean the parts where I had to own up to my own emotional baggage and rendered myself a snotty emotional mess and was pretty mean sometimes and then finally had to admit that yes, I can be wrong and in fact often am.

I had to learn how to be mature (okay, still working on this one) and actively work on overcoming insecurities (yet another work in progress) and bad emotional habits. It’s not the domestic bits that are difficult, it’s the very raw and straight up mortifying bits where the other person discovers just how messed up you are. (But then they choose to stick with you anyway, so there is that comfort.)

2- Men are human and have it as rough as we do. I will up front admit that I was an entitled spoiled brat who was convinced that women have life the hardest (okay, I still think we do) and that dudes just better handle whatever is thrown at them because it’s their JOB. Ummm, yeah. About that… men are human. Which means that if you prick them, they will bleed (it is not recommended to test this theory, as stabbing people with pointy objects is haram and illegal). If you are cruel to them, they will feel pain.

Okay but seriously – men, and by ‘men’ I mean legitimately good, sincere, taqwa-exemplifying men who care deeply about their wives and families, not pathetic, immature, usually-misogynistic males – work hard to look after those whom they love. Not just physical work that brings in money, but the emotional work too. They hate to see their loved ones suffer, and will do their best to try and fix the problem… even if it they are hurt too.

Whereas society normalizes female emotion, both positive and negative, we rarely see men being allowed to express themselves in a more vulnerable manner. I don’t mean sniffling at every little perceived slight, but true expressions of deep emotion, such as heartache, sorrow, helplessness, and emotional pain.

So many of our men mask their aching hearts in order to be strong and supportive to those around them – even as they are in need of the same support. Sometimes we women need to get over ourselves and realize that men need the same love and care that they provide for us. Prophet Muhammad (Peace and blessings be upon him) and his wives illustrates how even the greatest man on earth sought comfort in his spouses – whether it was Khadijah (May Allah be pleased with her) reassuring him after his first interaction with the angel Jibreel (‘alayhissalaam), or Umm Salamah (May Allah be pleased with her) understanding his frustration at Hudabiyah, and consoling him with her suggestions.

3- Differences of opinion are okay. This was a huge one for me – in my previous marriage, differences of opinion were definitely *not* okay. This husband, however, is a fascinating specimen. While I’d already decided that this time, I was not going to be a doormat and let myself be silenced, I wondered uneasily if expressing my dissent was a bad idea.

At first, I was anxious – would voicing my disagreement lead to greater emotional conflict? Would a debate on feminism lead to a far more unpleasant argument with drastic domestic consequences? Imagine my shock, then, when I discovered that it is indeed possible for a Muslim husband to have a rousing volley of back-and-forth that didn’t result in the nushooz-card being waved about angrily in the end. A marriage in which a husband and wife can having vocal disagreement on a variety of topics without damaging their personal relationship is a marriage built upon security.

In fact, one of the most famous marriages in our Islamic history – that of A’ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) and Prophet Muhammad (Peace and blessings be upon him) – was full of stories in which they used to have many enthusiastic exchanges… and not always in agreement. Yet despite their numerous debates and disagreements, their love remained strong.

4- Like a person before loving them. Love is a tricky, messy, complicated thing. Love screws you up sometimes. People fall in and out of love all the time. But liking someone… ahhh, there’s the secret. I was pretty sure I liked my husband before I married him – he was calm, level-headed, ethical, principled, intelligent, with a sense of humor and overall good character that appealed to me – but the part that really shocked me was when I realized how much I really liked him.

It’s the kind of like you have for a best friend, whom you’re eager to talk to and whose company you enjoy, whether doing things together or separately. It’s the kind of like where you could be mad at them and ignore them or fight with them, but you already miss them and you just want it over with so that you can tell them about the new exciting thing you just saw. So while I did love him, and continue to increase in that love, it’s the like part that makes things so much better when the love part really just pisses you off sometimes and has you stupidly crying into a pillow and sharing melodramatic quotes on Facebook.

5- There’s more than one kind of marriage, and one isn’t necessarily better than the other. This one might be more long-distance/ polygamy related, but it’s still an important lesson. We plan, and Allah plans, and Allah is the Best of Planners. Initially, our plan wasn’t to live in separate households or even countries… but that’s what happened.

One of the many fears I grappled with was the idea that my marriage didn’t count enough, or wasn’t serious enough, or wasn’t good enough, in comparison to one where the husband and wife are together and/or monogamous. Not having a great relationship track record didn’t help, either. A couple years later, I still have my off days, but I’ve come to recognize that my marriage is a real marriage, and is just as legitimate as anyone else’s. I love my husband, and though our marital arrangements may not be the norm, I take our relationship very seriously.

It is easy for some people to write off non-monogamous marriages as not being “real” enough, but this flies contrary to the Sunnah itself. The Prophet’s polygamous marriages to his wives after Khadijah (May Allah be pleased with her) were just as valid as his monogamous marriage to her.

While some people try to dismiss his polygamous marriages as simply being relationships of political advantage, to do so is to imply that he (PBUH) did not have genuine personal feelings of love and care for them, and that he was – in essence – using them for his own advantage. Yet when one looks at how he interacted with them, his love for them (and their love for him) is clear. Thus, regardless of how others consider polygamy, it is important to acknowledge that for those who have chosen it for themselves, their marriages are deserving of respect.

6- Be a secure person in order to have a secure relationship. As cliche as this may sound, it’s true. Sadly, Muslims tend to be really bad at being healthy individuals. Many of us are taught from childhood to be extremely dependent on others around us – whether parents or spouses. Few of us learn early on what it means to be secure in one’s own sense of self.

For myself, an additional blessing of a long distance relationship is that I was provided with the opportunity to really establish myself as myself. I’d grown up pretty sheltered, and was relatively young when I’d first gotten married. Seeking the other party’s constant approval was a destructive characteristic of that relationship, and the consequences of disapproval were high. This time, though, I was forced to face myself head-on, to live on my own and be responsible for much of my own emotional well-being. Moving away from my previous habits of emotional dependency was jarring, but incredible – I no longer hinge my complete happiness and mental presence on another person’s moods.

Instead of feeling tied to someone out of obligation or emotional coercion, the feeling of wanting to be with that person is far more pleasurable, and leads to feeling stronger in that relationship. Being secure, and not emotionally dependent (which isn’t romantic btw, it’s just depressing), makes it much easier to resolve conflicts and to enjoy the good times.

7- Get over yourself. Seriously, just get over yourself. We all like to think that we’re better people than we actually are, that our flaws aren’t as bad as others’ shortcomings are, but we’re not. We suck as much as the other person does. It’s just a matter of admitting and acknowledging what our faults are, and managing them instead of denying them or trying to play the victim.

Before making it about you vs. your spouse, remember that it’s about you vs. your scale of deeds on the Day of Judgment. Don’t act like you’re just humoring the other person when you apologize for something awful that you said or did; know that Allah is fully aware of your sincerity, and seek to rectify yourself for His Sake before anyone else’s. Don’t go to the other extreme either, and wallow in self pity bemoaning how terrible you are. Just… get over yourself. We all have faults, and you are no exception. The real issue at hand is what you’re going to do about it.
8- Being supportive doesn’t mean never disagreeing. Many of us have fallen for the pseudo-romantic “advice” that to be a supportive partner means to never offer criticism or objection – no matter how constructive your feedback may be. That’s not being supportive, that’s being a simpering sycophant.

While initially very defensive about receiving criticism, I realized that it wasn’t doing me any good to only hear praise – neither my behavior nor my work would improve. Instead, I’ve come to appreciate when my husband points out just how idiotic I’ve been acting, or when my argument has gaping holes. He’s never stopped me from doing what I care about, and done everything possible to support me in what I love – but he’ll also point out where exactly I’m in danger of doing something really stupid.

As annoyed as I might be in the moment (it sucks being wrong), at the end of the day, I know that he isn’t trying to sabotage me – he really wants me to do well, and to do what is right. Of course, it doesn’t mean that he’s always right, either – but when he is, I’ll try swallow my pride and take him seriously. And try not to be mad at him. (Usually.)

Don’t be a Stepford spouse – be someone who sincerely wants the best for your spouse,     even if it means pointing out when they’re doing something epically stupid. Remember – adDeen anNaseeha (Religion is advice).

9- “The Ideal Muslim Marriage” doesn’t exist. All those articles and lectures about wives babying men or husbands putting up with women because you can’t live with’em, you can’t live without’em is nonsense. The model that we’re provided with is, to be frank, pretty weird and unhealthy, encouraging emotional dependence and engendering a lack of genuine respect for each other.

The ideal Muslim marriage isn’t about playing a certain domestic role in a specific way (and being guilted into it with a significant amount of spiritual blackmail). It’s about having the right priorities – both spiritually and with regards to your personal relationship. It’s about genuinely caring for each other’s well-being, respecting each other even in times of conflict, and truly enjoying being with each other.

Life will suck sometimes – perhaps even often – and there will be many unpleasant moments along the way, but it’s one’s sense of taqwa and compassion for the other person that will get you through it and remember that it’s all worth it. Don’t be a good husband or wife because that’s what you’re “supposed” to do – be a good spouse because you care for them, and want the best for them in this world and the Hereafter.

Even prophet Muhammad’s marriages were not “ideal” in the sense that his wives were not all identical, cookie-cutter women – they all had very different personalities, they experienced conflict with him, but they also loved him deeply. They interacted in a manner that was sincere, that reflected themselves as individuals, and yet with the constant awareness of their personal accountability to Allah.

10- True Qawwam Do Exist. It is painfully easy to see the many, many examples of Muslim men doing it wrong – men who are neglectful, weak, abusive, irresponsible, lacking in character, selfish, and immature. Yet despite how many bad examples there are of Muslim men, there are still those who seek to uphold the Sunnah by being true qawwam: men who embody the values of honour, dignity, responsibility, mercy, justice, and sincere love for both their families and the Ummah at large.

These men are the ones who strive to fulfill their wives’ rights before demanding their own; who understand the severity of responsibility that has been placed upon their shoulders; who know that being a Muslim man is not simply about being a financial breadwinner, but a loving husband and father, engaged with his wife and children. These are the men who do not recoil at the idea of marrying widows or divorcees, or raising children who do not share their DNA; these are the men who do not place their egos or their culture above the commands of Allah, but make an effort to overcome their own inclinations for the Sake of Allah’s Pleasure.

These men are not perfect – they make their own mistakes, they struggle with their own shortcomings, and honestly, they can mess up as well as the next person – but what sets them apart from the majority of mediocre males is that they never stop trying to do better and be better… as Muslims, as husbands, as fathers. True qawwaam are rare, but not extinct – and to have one in my life is a blessing to be treasured.

11- Love. It’s Real. It… really is. It’s more than a little terrifying, especially when one tries to maintain a certain level of skepticism for safety reasons. But it’s also giddy, and fun, and awesome, and worth all the hard stuff and messy bits. Happily ever afters might actually exist, just not the way that we’ve been indoctrinated into believing. Instead of the usual nausea-inducing cliches surrounding romance (or the opposite extreme – that it doesn’t exist), love manifests in so many other ways – with an inside joke, or a gift that doesn’t make sense to anyone else but you two, or knowing how to end a fight the right way.

It’s the small silly things and the big dramatic things and all the mundane things in between. How do you know it’s real? When thinking of your future with them is not accompanied by a sense of impending doom and misery. And you’re kinda (really) excited about it.

Silly as this all may seem, and perhaps in contradiction to much of the marriage advice peddled by Muslim writers and teachers, these are nonetheless some of the most solid relationship lessons I have derived through experience. Contrasting my previous experience with my current one has been interesting, with sometimes unexpected results (like the whole falling in love thing…woah). And so here I am, slightly less bitter and slightly less cynical and slightly more practical and wiser (I hope).

May Allah grant us all the (somewhat disconcerting and pleasantly surprising) experience of a blessed marriage to a true qawwam, ameen.