Questions & Concerns About Youthful Marriage

Part of 5 of the Youthful Marriage series, originally written for SISTERS Magazine.

Umm Zainab and Umm Khadijah (AnonyMouse) answer questions and concerns about youthful marriage, bringing their series on youthful marriage to a conclusion.

1)    How do parents support newlywed youth, both financially and in terms of living arrangements?

Financial support is crucial for those who married while still in high school or just graduated.
A few solutions would be to help the husband find suitable employment, while providing a monthly stipend in the meantime, or at least until they are able to financially support themselves completely.

With regards to living arrangements, both sets of parents can contribute towards renting an apartment, or the couple can work out an arrangement to live with one set of parents at the family home.

Very young couples, such as those who are still in high school, can agree to live apart at their own parents’ homes until they can stand on their own two feet.

2)    Should young couples start having children immediately or wait for a while?

Marriage requires a great deal of maturity, and parenthood even more so! Young couples still studying should agree to wait for a stipulated amount of time before starting a family, which is Islamically allowed as long as both parties agree. They first need to adjust to marriage itself before taking on the incredible responsibility of parenthood.

While Islam encourages married couples to have children, and evidence proves that it’s healthier to have children while young, parenthood is a huge responsibility that many young adults don’t take seriously. Just as youth need to educate themselves about marriage before jumping into it headfirst, they also need to educate themselves about parenthood and what to expect. It is imperative that they fully understand the severity and repercussions of parenthood.

Unfortunately, too many zealous young couples jump into parenthood immediately after marriage, and cannot cope with the huge learning curve required of them. Especially in cases where the couple themselves are having difficulty in their relationship, bringing children into a difficult situation only makes things worse, not better.

3)    Should young couples expect to be in love immediately before or after marriage? How do they know what love is?

Two situations are most common when youthful marriage comes up. In the first scenario, the couple have already met and interacted (often at school, university, etc.) and feel that they’re already in love; they wish to marry so that they can prevent themselves from committing any sins. In the second, the youth have not ‘met’ anyone yet but want to get married to preserve their chastity.

In the first situation, there is a hadith which is applicable: Narrated by Ibn Maajah (1847), “There is nothing better for two who love one another than marriage.” (This hadeeth was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan Ibn Maajah).

In the second situation, both sides need to be aware that as long as they have chosen correctly (with sincerity, understanding, and maturity), both the lust and love will come as they get to know each other on a daily basis.

In both situations, the youth need to be made aware of what ‘love’ truly means. The feeling/ experience of being “IN love” is very different from the type of love that will evolve in a long-term relationship (i.e. marriage). They cannot expect their marriage to be healthy or long-term if they expect that the giddy feeling of being in love will last; in fact, what they can count on is that it will fade away very quickly, which is where the true test of maturity, responsibility, and dedication to their marriage lies.
True love is one that takes longer to show itself, but once planted, is harder to cut. Youth have to understand that the ‘love’ they think they feel initially is more lust then deep love.


4)    How do parents know if their young adults are emotionally mature enough for marriage?  What if a parent wants to support their youth (esp. sons) in getting married early, but know that their child is not mature enough to handle it?

Let’s be realistic: most parents today are a bit clueless as to their kids’ maturity, especially their sons. Many mothers mollycoddle their sons into thinking the world revolves around them, instead of raising them to be responsible young men and adults who know how to take care of another human being!
If a youth who is not emotionally mature seeks to marry and the parents realize that, then they should explain to them in clear terms that marriage is not something to be played with. It has responsibilities and obligations not just to themselves but to another person as well. Once the commitment has been made, you can’t just decide tomorrow that you suddenly prefer the single life and no responsibilities.

If the young man or woman insists on getting married but still displays a lot of immaturity, “test” them as a means of pointing out how much they have to learn. Give them serious responsibilities that are a small taste of what they will have to expect in a marriage; for example, finding and maintaining a job, taking care of elderly grandparents, learning how to manage a household (this applies equally to boys as well as girls), being made to deal with the emotional consequences of their actions, etc. 


5)    Is it easier to get married at a younger age in the West or in Muslim countries?

Youthful marriage is difficult for Muslims in the West as well as in Muslim countries, from both a legal and societal point of view.

Western countries have a legal minimal age at which young adults can marry with or without parental permission. In most cases the legal age to marry with parental permission is 16 for both sexes.
Societally, young marriages are strongly discouraged by parents and peers, as it is seen to be a responsibility ‘too big’ for youth to take on; society does not deem them ready for such responsibility. Unless youth have a strong support system, it is extremely difficult for them to not only get married, but sustain the marriage through the inevitable challenges that they will face.

Muslim countries generally are more lax when it comes to the legal age of marriage, although many countries are trying to combat this by raising the legal age to 18. However, because it is traditional in many Muslim countries for people to marry at a younger age, it is much more common and easier in legal terms for youth to get married. In many areas, it is still easier for youth to marry in Muslim countries and receive support from their families and community at large.
Unfortunately, the media only reports cases where youth (especially young women) have been taken advantage of or had their rights abused.

The main challenges facing youth who wish to marry in Muslim countries are societal obstacles, such as the practice of demanding an extravagant amount of money for the mahr. Furthermore, many youth (especially young men) are not raised to be emotionally mature; thus, even those who do get married at an earlier age will go through many difficulties because they have not learned about conflict resolution, compromise, and how to be compassionate to their spouses.



Youthful marriage is a Sunnah that needs to be revived in order to combat the many social ills taking place today, both in the West and in Muslim countries. The prevalence of a hypersexualized global culture means that young Muslims are exposed to inappropriate concepts and images at a younger and younger age, thereby igniting physical desires. Unfortunately, emotional and mental maturity are not taught and fostered at a similar rate, leaving Muslim parents and youth in a predicament that needs to be combated.

Cultivating a holistic understanding of an Islamic marriage is necessary for all young Muslims who want to do the right thing by getting married early. They and their parents must be aware of the Islamic responsibilities that marriage entails, as well as the emotional maturity and intelligence to maintain a dedicated, long-term relationship. Muslim youth who make the choice to marry young will face many challenges and tests, including societal pressure, financial difficulty, and personal growing pains.
It must also be understood that young marriages are not for everyone, and it cannot be considered a blanket solution to all of society’s problems. As much as we strongly advise young Muslims to consider a young marriage, please proceed with caution.

Finally, it must be remembered that all success lies in Allah’s Hands. Always turn to Him in prayer, repentance, and supplication, trusting in Him to guide you to that which is best for you in this world and the Hereafter. Only by having complete tawakkul in Him alone can Muslim youth hope to have successful marriages that will, inshaAllah, lead to a successful Aakihrah. We ask Allah to help all young Muslims abstain from the haram and pursue the halal for His Sake, and find spouses that will be a source of love, serenity, and a partner in the journey to Jannah.

Readers’ Comments

We asked readers what they thought about youthful marriage and what concerns they had. This is what they had to say…

My concern is that teens (in particular boys) are not emotionally mature enough for marriage at that age. I would need to have confidence that the family raised their child with similar standards of maturity. (Olivia K)

Should the parents be supportive and live-in is an option, why not. Everyone knows the struggles men and women face as "unmarrieds" trying desperately to avoid haram. My biggest concern as a mother of daughters is that education is not forfeited for marriage (last time I checked women can do more than one thing at a time). As mother of a son, I would worry that he has sufficient personal confidence, independence and insight to be a successful husband. (Terumi T.)

It’s prophetic advice and commendable if the youth did get married early, but so many teenagers just don’t appear to be mature enough to handle the responsibility that comes with marriage.
I'm not suggesting all teenagers are immature, but they are in the minority. Far too many of the youth adopt the 'live life to the max as you only live once' motto. The more partners you can get through the better! So armed with such secular ideology, what positive message can we convey to them about the benefits of marriage? Rather, what hope can we give them that marriage is a solution and not just a commitment? (Miriam M. Islam)

Umm Zainab Vanker and Umm Khadijah (AnonyMouse) are both products and veterans of youthful marriage; Umm Zainab got married at the age of 17, and her daughter followed suit! A combination of personal experience and observation of Muslim youth today encouraged them to take a critical look at the necessity and challenges of youthful marriages.

Is Youthful Marriage for Everyone?

Part 4 of the Youthful Marriage series, written for and published by SISTERS Magazine.

The advantages of youthful marriages are many, and often discussed, but there is another side to it as well. The truth is that youthful marriages face many obstacles, and can be even more difficult to sustain in the face of societal, family, and personal pressures and expectations.

From the beginning, let us be clear: youthful marriages are not for everyone. It requires a great deal of patience and strength of character to maintain a long-term relationship, especially one which begins when both partners are at an emotionally volatile point of their lives. Some individuals are simply not mature enough to handle the challenges and difficulties which young marriages entail. Others have ‘baggage’ which just make marriage difficult for the other party involved, and may even end up damaging the other spouse as well.

Harsh Realities

One purpose of marriage is to protect individuals from zina – so in this sense, yes, it can be successful, even if these marriages end in divorce. Many may consider this to be a harsh way of looking at it, but the reality of life in the West for young Muslims is such that it is literally a choice between halaal and haram – marriage or zina.

The Young Marriage Series: Part 3

Tools of the Trade

Umm Zainab Vanker and Umm Khadijah share some secret ingredients to a successful youthful marriage in Part 3 of the Young Marriage series.

Every marriage requires spouses to follow certain rules in order to be successful. However, couples in a youthful marriage are even more in need of guidance and awareness of how to face their challenges.

Marriage is, in itself, a serious commitment and responsibility. Contrary to popular opinion, the older one is at the time of marriage does not immediately mean that their relationship is more likely to be successful. However, it is also true that those who marry at a younger age will face more difficulty in maintaining their marriage. Thus, it is important for young Muslim husbands and wives to be aware from the outset of the practices that will result in a happy, meaningful marriage.

A willingness to be selfless, to compromise, and to make sacrifices. In a society where “adolescent selfishness” is acceptable, Muslim youth are rarely able to recognize the necessity and benefits of making personal sacrifices to achieve a greater goal: a successful marriage. Unfortunately, most young men and women are more concerned about their own wishes than they are with working towards a mutually beneficial goal.

For example, a young woman may not want to give up her dream education or career. Upon marriage, however, it may be difficult to pursue that particular field immediately, which may cause a great deal of resentment – which in turn contributes to turmoil within the relationship.

Similarly, many young men feel that they should have the best of both worlds: maintaining the same type of carefree lifestyle they had before marriage (e.g. spending hours playing videogames with their friends), while experiencing the benefits of married life as well (having someone take care of the home, outlet for physical desires, etc.). Their refusal to recognize that “something’s gotta give” leads to a sense of frustration from their wives, who feel that they have given up a great deal but received nothing in return.

The Youthful Marriage Series: Part 2

Understanding Marriage

Umm Zainab Vanker and Umm Khadijah continue the discussion on youthful marriages. In Part 2, they focus on the attitudes held amongst Muslims that impede the successful implementation of young marriages.

 Two extremes are found amongst the Muslim youth regarding marriage: Over-idealism, wherein they imagine that marriage will make their life perfect; and severe pessimism, wherein marriage is viewed to be the end of independence, ambition, and a future career.

 Marriage is rarely seen for what it is: a long-term blessed bond between a Muslim man and woman, a relationship of love, compassion, and growth in all areas of life. Islam’s concept of marriage is a wholesome, encompassing ideal, which recognizes not only the blessings and challenges of marriage on an individual level, but a societal one as well. Many of the ayaat and ahadeeth relating to the marital bond contain references to the relationship between a man and a woman, and its effect on society at large.

The Prophet (saw) said: “If there comes to you to marry (your daughter) one who with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your daughter) to him, for if you do not do that, there will be fitnah (tribulation) in the land and widespread corruption.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1084; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 866.) 

 For those who imagine that marriage is the secret to a Disney kind of happiness, this illusion will mostly likely be shattered quickly, leaving them unable to cope with its reality.

Youthful Marriage: Impractical Ideal, or Viable Option?

Originally written for SISTERS Magazine, November 2012. Also published at the SaudiLife website.

Umm Zainab Vanker and Umm Khadijah (AnonyMouse) discuss the concept of young marriages in the Sunnah and in its application in modern society.

SURROUNDED by a global culture of hypersexuality, Muslim parents and youth share one similar concern: marriage. When to prepare for marriage, after post-secondary education or before? How to find suitable marriage partners?

Many Muslim parents still prefer the more recent tradition when it comes to marriage: waiting for young men to finish their university educations and begin successful, financially rewarding careers; and then searching for partners within a select pool and with an even more select criteria.

However, there is another option, one that is recommended in the Sunnah of RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), and which has long been disregarded or has been considered to be a sign of ‘backwardness’ due to the incorrect way in which it has been practiced “back home.”
This Sunnah is that of youthful marriage.

In the famous hadeeth of Jabir ibn ‘Abdillah:
 Jabir b. 'Abdullah (Allah be pleased with him) reported: 'Abdullah died and he left (behind him) nine or seven daughters. I married a woman who had been previously married.
Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said to me: “Jabir, have you married?”
I said: “Yes.”
He said: “A virgin or one previously married?”
I said: “Messenger of Allah, with one who was previously married,” whereupon he said: “Why didn't you marry a young girl so that you could sport with her and she could sport with you, or you could amuse her and she could amuse you?” (Saheeh al-Bukhari)

RasulAllah’s wisdom in advising Jabir to marry a youthful woman is obvious – Jabir himself was a young man, and it would have been more fulfilling for him to have a companion of his own generation, who could be energetic, creative, and entertaining. They would have been able to enjoy the pleasures of young love, and later, mature together as they experienced life’s challenges.

There are numerous examples in the Sunnah of RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and the Sahabah that show how youthful marriages were encouraged and – more importantly – sustained.

The marriage of Ali ibn Abi Talib (ra) and Fatimah bint RasulAllah (ra) is an excellent example of a young marriage. Some sources state that Fatimah was fifteen years old at the time of her marriage while Ali (ra) was twenty-one; others say that she was nineteen.

It is known that their relationship was one of deep love; Ali (ra) never married another woman during her lifetime, and she loved him dearly despite the difficulties she endured due to their poverty. This does not mean that they did not have any disagreements, though – one of Ali’s nicknames, “Abu Turab,” was given to him by RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) when Ali (ra) spent the night sleeping in the masjid due to an argument he had with Fatimah (ra). Nonetheless, they persevered and their mutual love for Allah and each other helped them overcome any issues they experienced.

Today, the very idea of a 16 or 17 year old (whether male or female) getting married is often looked upon with horror. It is argued that at this age, neither the young man or woman will have the emotional maturity to handle the responsibilities or seriousness that marriage demands, let alone its financial aspects. It is felt that both should have “the chance to live life freely,” without being tied down to another person; that they should use their youth to focus on their education without distractions. Most people conclude that very few (if any) youth are capable of handling marriage in at this young age.

However, it can also be argued that no one can ever be prepared for marriage, and there’s no guarantee that even an older person will be emotionally mature enough to handle it.

Physical and Emotional Maturity

Maturity can both be innate, and cultivated. Certain individuals simply have a more mature personality, and others can be taught how to react to situations appropriately, which contributes to maturity. Thus, while no one can be truly “ready” for marriage, it is possible to be prepared for it.

It is interesting to note that while so many Muslim parents claim that their adolescent children are “not ready” for marriage, non-Muslims are pointing to rising rates of early puberty and hyperawareness regarding sexuality at younger ages. Physical and even a type of mental maturity is manifested in the way that tweens and teens evaluate the opposite gender and often begin experimenting with them sexually. 
If the Muslim Ummah hopes to preserve the innocence and chastity of its youth, the only way to do so is for parents to close the gap between physical and emotional maturity.

The period of adolescence is a relatively modern construct of society, and responsible in large part for the lack of emotional maturity to be found amongst most youth in developed countries. Whereas many teenagers are expected and often allowed to act irresponsibly, Islam focuses on training children from a young age to have mental maturity and responsibility to perform various duties and obligations, both religious and social.
When Muslim parents give in to society’s current standards of behavior for adolescents, it is Muslim youth who pay the price. By lacking the mental and emotional maturity to develop the skills necessary for initiating and maintaining a long-term relationship, young Muslim men and women will be unable to enter into a fulfilling marriage by the time they begin to experience physical needs.

Teaching young men the importance of understanding how to deal with women – whether their mothers or sisters – will set the pattern for how they react to challenges with their wives. Similarly, teaching young women how to recognize which tasks, goals, or ambitions have priority will go a long way in helping them to cope with the many compromises that marriage demands from women.

It is therefore in the Ummah’s best interests, for young Muslim men and women, not just those in their early twenties but even those still in high school, to consider early marriage as a viable and practical option. Muslim parents need to focus on the reality that enabling their sons and daughters to marry at an earlier age will ultimately help them combat the vices of a hypersexualized global culture that they are struggling against.

In Part 2, we will inshaAllah focus on the realistic expectations which are required of those considering youthful marriage.

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Umm Zainab Vanker and Umm Khadijah (AnonyMouse) are both products and veterans of youthful marriage; Umm Zainab got married at the age of 17, and her daughter followed suit! A combination of personal experience and observation of Muslim youth today encouraged them to take a critical look at the necessity and challenges of youthful marriages.