"Traditional Islamic Gender Roles"... or Not.

I am still in aunty marriage mode, but today's post will feature some Salafi feminist ranting, so buckle in.

Dear bros, especially the good ones: when your rishta bio data includes the phrase "traditional Islamic gender roles," "pious housewife," or any variation thereof, know that you aren't just filtering out "those secular liberal independent career women" types. You're also pushing away Muslim women who are religious, conservative, and in fact far more inclined to being what may - be your idea of a good Muslim wife.

Let me explain.

The phrase "traditional Islamic gender roles" & its variations carries a certain type of connotation.

While bros might think it's just an innocent way of saying they want something specific in marriage, the truth is that it has a far more negative meaning for many Muslim women.

Unfortunately, due to a combination of lingering 90s da'wah "the ideal Muslim woman" talks and lectures, the insistence on the Muslim community to fixate on "the role of women," and cultural standards conflated with religion, the message that Muslim women have been taught is that "traditional Islamic gender roles" means a situation where, as women, we are expected to remain at home and solely devote ourselves to husband, home and children - with no other interests or pursuits whatsoever.

Some people might scoff at this & say this doesn't happen anymore.

I am here to tell you that it most certainly does - been there, done that (probably should have gotten the t-shirt). This idea has *not* been stamped out, especially not from the minds of many young Muslim men, who do feel entitled to a marital situation where the wife is indeed wholly focused on his comfort and demands.

As Muslim women, we rightly feel wary when brothers trot out "traditional Islamic gender roles" - not because we are opposed to being wives who don't have a problem with cooking and cleaning, or because we want to dump any children we have in daycare - but because for so long, the phrase has been an euphemism for patriarchy to rule supreme.

The truth is that the culturally absorbed idea of "traditional Islamic gender roles" is not only incredibly narrow and restricted, but doesn't even represent the reality of the first Muslims.

The female Companions of RasulAllah (sallAllahu alayhi wa sallam) *did* often work outside the home - whether in the fields, the marketplace, or even as servants in other people's homes.
Nor was every mother housebound with her children; most women had a larger family network, young sons would often accompany their fathers and male relatives outside as apprentices learning passed-down skills; slavery was common enough that not every woman was obliged to be "domestic."

Our conception of stay at home mothers is really quite recent and new, & does not have any particular special bearing in our Islamic history.

Unfortunately, the binary that was created for women - either being a SAHM or a secular/liberal "career woman" - doesn't reflect reality either.

There are women who work from home in addition to having children and fulfilling the (Western idea of) housewife role. There are women who work part time outside the home yet are dedicated to their families. There are women who are employed in specifically Islamic fields or contexts; there are women who do have "careers" but who do not belittle or dismiss the idea of being a loving wife and mother. There are women who love the idea of being SAHMs but also have other passions and pursuits, whether those be writing, volunteering, entrepreneurship.

When a Muslim bro says something like "traditional Islamic gender roles," it's a pretty good indication that he isn't aware of or interested in all the nuances mentioned above.

Someone could argue that maybe we women are making too many assumptions about these bros, but the truth is that so many of us have already been burned because we naively thought that *of course* a future husband will be reasonable about these things and be flexible... only to find ourselves in situations where that is absolutely not the case.

Once burned, twice shy - whether we experienced it the hard way or witnessed others around us in that situation, none of us are interested in putting ourselves in that particular line of fire, and we will most definitely be very cautious to avoid such a scenario.

If, as a bro looking to get married, you *do* want to talk about your preferences with regards to marital set up, work, children and so on... then have those discussions, by all means. Ask those questions. Ask the person you're talking to what *their* view of a happy and healthy family arrangement is. Ask about having kids, about work, about what the word "traditional" even means to them.

But for the sake of establishing truly healthy, happy, Islamic marriages and homes... just don't use the phrase "traditional Islamic gender roles."

#TraditionalGenderRolesMyFoot
#YesPleaseGetMeDomesticHelpOnADailyBasis
#AndLetMeLeaveMyKidsWithTheTribesGrandmothersWhileIWeaveAtTheMasjidOrSellMyWaresAtTheMarketplace
#OrMaybeIllRunMyOwnBusinessAndKeepAllTheProfitsForMyselfWhileYouStillPayAllTheBills
#BetterNotExpectMeToCookEither
#IHaveAHanafiFatwahThatTellsMeItsYourJobToProvideMeWithCookedMeals
#WaitWhereAreYouGoing
#IThoughtYouWantedTraditionalIslamicGenderRoles
#TheseModernCorruptedMuslimMen
#AstaghfirAllah