(Almost) every month, I have a q & a column with AboutIslam.net, under their Ask a Counselor section. Here's the latest (where I very nobly refrained from sharing my actual initial reaction):
Assalamu alaikum,
I had a wife in the past, but then I met a girl and fell in love with her. We became lovers soon after she told me she loves me. I told her that I have a wife, but that I want to end things with her soon. However, I couldn’t end things for 4 years and we had a baby together.
My second wife became angry and urged me to end things and I kept putting her off till one year became two. Eventually, last year I ended things with my first wife and tried to move closer to my second wife, but she says she can’t trust me and doesn’t have feelings for me.
I still love her a lot, and I’m ready to do anything she asks of me, but she doesn’t trust me. What should I do? How can I regain her trust and love? Please advise me on what I need to do.
Answer:
To begin with, I must say that your question is not an easy one to answer. Based on what you have said, I am unsure whether you had a haraam relationship with the second woman or not before you married her. I will assume that you married her before having a physical relationship with her.
The problem is far greater than simply winning back your second wife’s love and trust. The reality is that you have spent the past few years engaging in lies with both your first and second wives. You married your second wife before informing her about your first wife and then deceived her repeatedly by telling her that you would leave your first wife.
instead, for four years you not only remained married to your first wife, but had children with her!
Thus, the first thing for you to be made aware of is the extreme seriousness and sinfulness of lying in Islam:
Al-Bukhaari (6094) and Muslim (2607) narrated that Ibn Mas‘ood (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “I enjoin you to be truthful, for truthfulness leads to righteousness and righteousness leads to Paradise. A man may continue to tell the truth and endeavour to be truthful until he is recorded with Allah as a speaker of truth. And beware of lying, for lying leads to wickedness and wickedness leads to Hell. A man may continue to tell lies and endeavour to tell lies, until he is recorded with Allah as a liar.”
The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) also said: “There are four characteristics, whoever has them all is a pure hypocrite, and whoever has one of them has one of the characteristics of hypocrisy, until he gives it up: when he is entrusted with something, he betrays that trust, when he speaks he lies, when he makes a covenant he betrays it, and when he disputes he resorts to obscene speech.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (34) and Muslim (58).
If this is the severity of lying in general, how much worse is it to lie to your spouse - and in your case, not one, but both of them? Marriage is a sacred contract in which both partners are meant to be sources of comfort and tranquility to one another, not sources of deceit and harm.
Not only that, but you took it a step further by engaging in injustice between your two wives. Polygamy is permitted in Islam under strict conditions of justice, which it does not seem that you have abided by.
The Qur’an tells us:
{And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].} (Qur’an 4:3)
RasulAllah also said: “Whoever has two wives and favors one of them over the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his sides leaning.” (Tirmidhi)
There is no simple solution for your situation. When someone genuinely loves someone else, they show it through their actions by being honest and upright and consistent in their behaviour. You have done the opposite of that in all of these years, towards both of your wives. It is understandable that your second wife does not trust you or love you, when you have demonstrated dishonesty and false promises for so long.
The question that you should be asking is not how you can make your second wife trust and love you, but how you can make amends to both wives, how to uphold their Islamic rights, and how to hold yourself accountable for your wrongdoing for so many years.
First of all, you must turn to Allah in sincere repentance for your sins and injustice towards both women (and whomever else, such as your children, you may have impacted negatively through your actions). This repentance requires that you regret your behaviour, that you beg of Allah’s forgiveness, and that you commit never to repeat those actions or patterns of behaviour again.
The second part to seeking Allah’s forgiveness in this case requires you to seek the forgiveness of your wives as well.
Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Whoever has wronged their brother or sister [in Islam], should ask for his pardon (before his death), as (in the Hereafter) there will be neither a Dinar nor a Dirham. (He should secure pardon in this life) before some of his good deeds are taken and paid to his brother, or, if he has done no good deeds, some of the bad deeds of his brother are taken to be loaded on him (in the Hereafter).” (Sahih Bukhari)
This means that you approach both wives, admit to your wrongdoing, commit yourself to treating them both with justice and fairness, and then listening to each of them to know what you need to do to make things right with each of them. As well, I strongly recommend that you seek individual as well as marital/ family professional therapy and counseling to help accomplish the goals of repentance and accountability. What both your wives have had to endure is extremely painful and will not be ‘fixed’ very quickly. It will require many years of hard work on your end to help them heal, and it may even be that one or both of them may never completely forgive you or be able to move on from what you have done.
It is important for you to recognize the seriousness of your actions, and commit yourself to doing what is right, sincerely and for the Sake of Allah. So long as you maintain your sincerity, then inshaAllah things will either become easier for you and your family, or Allah will make a way for each person to receive the justice that they are due - whether in this world or in the Hereafter.
May Allah forgive you and may He guide you to doing that which is most pleasing to Him, ameen.
Assalamu alaikum,
I had a wife in the past, but then I met a girl and fell in love with her. We became lovers soon after she told me she loves me. I told her that I have a wife, but that I want to end things with her soon. However, I couldn’t end things for 4 years and we had a baby together.
My second wife became angry and urged me to end things and I kept putting her off till one year became two. Eventually, last year I ended things with my first wife and tried to move closer to my second wife, but she says she can’t trust me and doesn’t have feelings for me.
I still love her a lot, and I’m ready to do anything she asks of me, but she doesn’t trust me. What should I do? How can I regain her trust and love? Please advise me on what I need to do.
Answer:
To begin with, I must say that your question is not an easy one to answer. Based on what you have said, I am unsure whether you had a haraam relationship with the second woman or not before you married her. I will assume that you married her before having a physical relationship with her.
The problem is far greater than simply winning back your second wife’s love and trust. The reality is that you have spent the past few years engaging in lies with both your first and second wives. You married your second wife before informing her about your first wife and then deceived her repeatedly by telling her that you would leave your first wife.
instead, for four years you not only remained married to your first wife, but had children with her!
Thus, the first thing for you to be made aware of is the extreme seriousness and sinfulness of lying in Islam:
Al-Bukhaari (6094) and Muslim (2607) narrated that Ibn Mas‘ood (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “I enjoin you to be truthful, for truthfulness leads to righteousness and righteousness leads to Paradise. A man may continue to tell the truth and endeavour to be truthful until he is recorded with Allah as a speaker of truth. And beware of lying, for lying leads to wickedness and wickedness leads to Hell. A man may continue to tell lies and endeavour to tell lies, until he is recorded with Allah as a liar.”
The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) also said: “There are four characteristics, whoever has them all is a pure hypocrite, and whoever has one of them has one of the characteristics of hypocrisy, until he gives it up: when he is entrusted with something, he betrays that trust, when he speaks he lies, when he makes a covenant he betrays it, and when he disputes he resorts to obscene speech.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (34) and Muslim (58).
If this is the severity of lying in general, how much worse is it to lie to your spouse - and in your case, not one, but both of them? Marriage is a sacred contract in which both partners are meant to be sources of comfort and tranquility to one another, not sources of deceit and harm.
Not only that, but you took it a step further by engaging in injustice between your two wives. Polygamy is permitted in Islam under strict conditions of justice, which it does not seem that you have abided by.
The Qur’an tells us:
{And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].} (Qur’an 4:3)
RasulAllah also said: “Whoever has two wives and favors one of them over the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his sides leaning.” (Tirmidhi)
There is no simple solution for your situation. When someone genuinely loves someone else, they show it through their actions by being honest and upright and consistent in their behaviour. You have done the opposite of that in all of these years, towards both of your wives. It is understandable that your second wife does not trust you or love you, when you have demonstrated dishonesty and false promises for so long.
The question that you should be asking is not how you can make your second wife trust and love you, but how you can make amends to both wives, how to uphold their Islamic rights, and how to hold yourself accountable for your wrongdoing for so many years.
First of all, you must turn to Allah in sincere repentance for your sins and injustice towards both women (and whomever else, such as your children, you may have impacted negatively through your actions). This repentance requires that you regret your behaviour, that you beg of Allah’s forgiveness, and that you commit never to repeat those actions or patterns of behaviour again.
The second part to seeking Allah’s forgiveness in this case requires you to seek the forgiveness of your wives as well.
Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Whoever has wronged their brother or sister [in Islam], should ask for his pardon (before his death), as (in the Hereafter) there will be neither a Dinar nor a Dirham. (He should secure pardon in this life) before some of his good deeds are taken and paid to his brother, or, if he has done no good deeds, some of the bad deeds of his brother are taken to be loaded on him (in the Hereafter).” (Sahih Bukhari)
This means that you approach both wives, admit to your wrongdoing, commit yourself to treating them both with justice and fairness, and then listening to each of them to know what you need to do to make things right with each of them. As well, I strongly recommend that you seek individual as well as marital/ family professional therapy and counseling to help accomplish the goals of repentance and accountability. What both your wives have had to endure is extremely painful and will not be ‘fixed’ very quickly. It will require many years of hard work on your end to help them heal, and it may even be that one or both of them may never completely forgive you or be able to move on from what you have done.
It is important for you to recognize the seriousness of your actions, and commit yourself to doing what is right, sincerely and for the Sake of Allah. So long as you maintain your sincerity, then inshaAllah things will either become easier for you and your family, or Allah will make a way for each person to receive the justice that they are due - whether in this world or in the Hereafter.
May Allah forgive you and may He guide you to doing that which is most pleasing to Him, ameen.