Poly Q&A: How Can I Regain My Second Wife's Trust?

(Almost) every month, I have a q & a column with AboutIslam.net, under their Ask a Counselor section. Here's the latest (where I very nobly refrained from sharing my actual initial reaction):

Assalamu alaikum,

I had a wife in the past, but then I met a girl and fell in love with her. We became lovers soon after she told me she loves me. I told her that I have a wife, but that I want to end things with her soon. However, I couldn’t end things for 4 years and we had a baby together.

My second wife became angry and urged me to end things and I kept putting her off till one year became two. Eventually, last year I ended things with my first wife and tried to move closer to my second wife, but she says she can’t trust me and doesn’t have feelings for me.

I still love her a lot, and I’m ready to do anything she asks of me, but she doesn’t trust me. What should I do? How can I regain her trust and love? Please advise me on what I need to do.

Answer:

To begin with, I must say that your question is not an easy one to answer. Based on what you have said, I am unsure whether you had a haraam relationship with the second woman or not before you married her. I will assume that you married her before having a physical relationship with her.

The problem is far greater than simply winning back your second wife’s love and trust. The reality is that you have spent the past few years engaging in lies with both your first and second wives. You married your second wife before informing her about your first wife and then deceived her repeatedly by telling her that you would leave your first wife.

instead, for four years you not only remained married to your first wife, but had children with her!

Thus, the first thing for you to be made aware of is the extreme seriousness and sinfulness of lying in Islam:

Al-Bukhaari (6094) and Muslim (2607) narrated that Ibn Mas‘ood (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “I enjoin you to be truthful, for truthfulness leads to righteousness and righteousness leads to Paradise. A man may continue to tell the truth and endeavour to be truthful until he is recorded with Allah as a speaker of truth. And beware of lying, for lying leads to wickedness and wickedness leads to Hell. A man may continue to tell lies and endeavour to tell lies, until he is recorded with Allah as a liar.”

The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) also said: “There are four characteristics, whoever has them all is a pure hypocrite, and whoever has one of them has one of the characteristics of hypocrisy, until he gives it up: when he is entrusted with something, he betrays that trust, when he speaks he lies, when he makes a covenant he betrays it, and when he disputes he resorts to obscene speech.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (34) and Muslim (58).

If this is the severity of lying in general, how much worse is it to lie to your spouse - and in your case, not one, but both of them? Marriage is a sacred contract in which both partners are meant to be sources of comfort and tranquility to one another, not sources of deceit and harm.

Not only that, but you took it a step further by engaging in injustice between your two wives. Polygamy is permitted in Islam under strict conditions of justice, which it does not seem that you have abided by.

The Qur’an tells us:
{And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].} (Qur’an 4:3)

RasulAllah also said: “Whoever has two wives and favors one of them over the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his sides leaning.” (Tirmidhi)


There is no simple solution for your situation. When someone genuinely loves someone else, they show it through their actions by being honest and upright and consistent in their behaviour. You have done the opposite of that in all of these years, towards both of your wives. It is understandable that your second wife does not trust you or love you, when you have demonstrated dishonesty and false promises for so long.

The question that you should be asking is not how you can make your second wife trust and love you, but how you can make amends to both wives, how to uphold their Islamic rights, and how to hold yourself accountable for your wrongdoing for so many years.

First of all, you must turn to Allah in sincere repentance for your sins and injustice towards both women (and whomever else, such as your children, you may have impacted negatively through your actions). This repentance requires that you regret your behaviour, that you beg of Allah’s forgiveness, and that you commit never to repeat those actions or patterns of behaviour again.

The second part to seeking Allah’s forgiveness in this case requires you to seek the forgiveness of your wives as well.

Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Whoever has wronged their brother or sister [in Islam], should ask for his pardon (before his death), as (in the Hereafter) there will be neither a Dinar nor a Dirham. (He should secure pardon in this life) before some of his good deeds are taken and paid to his brother, or, if he has done no good deeds, some of the bad deeds of his brother are taken to be loaded on him (in the Hereafter).” (Sahih Bukhari)

This means that you approach both wives, admit to your wrongdoing, commit yourself to treating them both with justice and fairness, and then listening to each of them to know what you need to do to make things right with each of them. As well, I strongly recommend that you seek individual as well as marital/ family professional therapy and counseling to help accomplish the goals of repentance and accountability. What both your wives have had to endure is extremely painful and will not be ‘fixed’ very quickly. It will require many years of hard work on your end to help them heal, and it may even be that one or both of them may never completely forgive you or be able to move on from what you have done.

It is important for you to recognize the seriousness of your actions, and commit yourself to doing what is right, sincerely and for the Sake of Allah. So long as you maintain your sincerity, then inshaAllah things will either become easier for you and your family, or Allah will make a way for each person to receive the justice that they are due - whether in this world or in the Hereafter.

May Allah forgive you and may He guide you to doing that which is most pleasing to Him, ameen.

Patriarchs Past, Present, and Future

Since my grandfather passed away, I have watched my father step up into the role of family patriarch.
 
Though we still have some more elder male relatives, it is my father who sits at the head of the table at family dinners; my father who reminds my grandmother to call other relatives; my father who makes sure that household things are taken care of, quietly instructing my brothers to do the things he doesn't have the time or skills to take care of. Since he works remotely during the day, he comes to my grandmother's home after my aunt leaves for work and makes sure she's not alone. He checks her blood pressure and sugar levels, makes sure she's taking her medication at the right time, reads out the grocery advertisements to her, and turns the TV on for her favourite soap opera.

He usually hates socializing with more than a couple of people, but for the sake of family, he has become more at ease with it - his beard now as white as my grandfather's was, his laugh more similar, the stories he tells echoes of my grandfather's own tales.

Even as he steps into my grandfather's space, he leaves another space open - and I wonder who will take that spot in his stead. I have three brothers, but as yet too young and brash and often ridiculous; I wonder if I will be always be here to watch them, to see them grow into themselves and into their own roles as men of the family. The eldest is not inclined to marry (much to the increasing distress of my grandmother!), the second has no desire for children, and the third has yet to grow out of the most obnoxious state of adolescence.

Perhaps the three of them together will cobble together the parts needed to fill my father's stead in the future. Perhaps they will simply build themselves differently, growing into themselves with only wisps and glimpses of my father and grandfather in their beards and their voices.

I cling to the memories of my grandfather, and try to memorize every detail of my father now, and I search my brothers' faces for signs that they will become the patriarchs that my family has always had, and always needed, and whom I secretly want for my own daughter, and her children, and their children after that.

May there always be a smiling, storytelling, greybearded man at the head of our dinner table; may there always be the safety and security of their love and protection. 

Motherhood, At Last

After nearly a lifetime (hers) of me struggling with motherhood, of not "feeling like a mother," of having my attention pulled in too many directions, of my emotional energy exhausted by my own depression and trauma... I am discovering that finally, I think I feel like a mother.

It catches me off-guard: a sudden emotional blow to the gut as I look at 9yo and remember when her cheeks were toddler-chubby, and I didn't kiss and squeeze and bite them enough; my resolve to do so now, even if she wails and squirms away and declares that I'm embarrassing her.

The tug in my belly, the phantom umbilical cord that ties her to me more strongly now than when she was growing in my womb, to check on her, to watch her as she bends her head over her mus'haf or squints in concentration as she paints, to snuggle her at night and breathe her in.

The surge of protectiveness that leaps within me if I hear someone speak to her too sharply or if another child is too aggressive with her; struggling to know when I should let her handle her problems and when I should jump in, maternal Ursa instincts roaring.

Even my frustrations feel more maternal now, less existential crisis and more "Pay attention to your homework!" or "BRUSH YOUR TEETH before you eat breakfast!" An argument over her clothing is less likely to set me reeling backwards into self-doubt and resentment at my destiny.

I pretend to want her to grow up and be more responsible, but mostly I am all too glad to let her snuggle in bed with me at night, to rub her back and pull her closer, hating myself for the years I had lost sobbing myself to sleep instead of cradling her.

When she was younger - when I was younger - it was hard for me to remember that she was mine, flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood; I felt vague guilt that I did not miss her absence the way other mothers did, that I was relieved of her burden.

Now, when she spends weekends with my parents, there is a sharp emptiness in the hollow of my belly, a tightness in my throat, that eases only when I hurry back from work and reassure myself that she is still here, still mine, flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood.

"Is that your daughter?" other women would ask me politely, cooing over her curls and shy eyes. I would fumble over my answer - "Yes, I am her mother" felt like a lie on my tongue, even as my uterus tightened in memory of the hours I spent in labour, crying helplessly.

"Is that your sister?" people ask me now, and I shake my head, pull her close, and say, "No, this is my child." It still feels strange to claim motherhood, when for so many years, I questioned my own maternity. But then she says, "That's my mom!" and it feels, perhaps, true.

Other mothers complain about how suffocated they feel by their children, how much they long to get a break. I can understand - I would want a break from their kids too. But mine? I'm only just getting to love her as I should have all those years ago. I am greedy for my child.

She has always known that I never wanted children. She was, after all, the one who patted my face anxiously when she was two years old and I was too old to be sobbing hysterically at my then-husband's insistence on having another child.

"It's okay, Mama," she told me, "Stop crying, Mama." I couldn't stop crying, then, and it wasn't okay, then, but eventually, I did stop crying, and I made things almost-okay, for me and for her.

Now she knows that even if I never wanted her then, I want her now, more than anything and anyone. "Who loves you the most?" I ask her every night, and she says dutifully, "Allah!" "And then who loves you the most in the whole wide world?" "You do."
And I do.

The Softest Armour

The women of my family wear the softest armour: the most tender of cotton dresses, the most delicate chiffon scarves, the sweetest of smiles. The women of my family are the strongest women I have ever known - even the gentlest of aunties has a spine of unbent steel.

It is only when I visit first one, and then the other, of my elders in hospital that I see them terrifying vulnerable: their soft, impenetrable armour removed; their elegant dresses and beautiful scarves gone, leaving them defenseless in hospital gowns and worn pajamas.

I feel ashamed of myself, almost - I want to avert my eyes, to not see my elders so old, where once I had seen them as simply, eternally, elder without aging. Knuckles grown swollen from arthritis; wisps of hair, before always meticulously tucked away beneath their scarves, suddenly seen, wilted, falling out of cotton hair caps; shoulders trembling where once they were so firm; flashes of pain in eyes that I had only ever looked into and found beatific serenity.

The women of my family wear the softest armour, and I want nothing more than to drape them once again in their gentle glory - to be reassured by the whisper of silk against my skin when I bend to kiss their cheeks; to touch the dignified wool of their cardigans, embroidered with thread as strong as the unseen filaments of their own spider-silk wills - enduring with beauty no matter the decades of marriage, of children, of immigration, of losing and finding and building and slipping away and too many changes, too fast.

I wish I knew the women of my family better. I wish I knew their stories the way I know their food: pineapple steaks and spiced chicken pastries and strawberry butter scones and melting moments butter biscuits - family favourites flavoured by their histories, unknown to me.

I wish I knew what lay under their soft armour before age and illness lay them bare to me; I wish I knew what weapons they carried into their daily battles; I wish I knew what enemies they faced, within and without; I wish I knew how they became so soft and strong.

The women of my family wear the softest armour. I wonder if I will inherit their grace and their delicacy and their iron wills and gentle touches and their deft hands at making biryani and mithai and the memories of their homeland and family still so far away.

The women of my family wear the softest armour. I want to bury my face in their scarves, draw their dresses over my head, feel their steadfastness wrap gently around my bones, touch my fingertips to their grace and draw it in, inhale their dignity into my muscle memory.

My armour is hard and brittle, not spider-silk-soft or chiffon-kiss-gentle. My armour is stiff and dented and has the hard colours of too-bold-lipstick and dark-denim-jeans. My armour is biting humour and anger ill-contained.

The women of my family wear the softest armour. Perhaps, one day, my armour will soften too.

Noblewoman, Outcast, Queen: The Story of Khadijah (Part 5)

The first few days and months after the initial Revelation were full of wonder and awe for Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her). Eyes sparkling, hearts filled with faith, Khadijah and Muhammad (PBUH) woke up every morning with renewed purpose, a sense of clarity and inner peace.

However, they also knew that they could not keep this incredible message of beauty and spiritual revolution to themselves. “Yaa ayyuhal mudaththir! Qum fa anthir!” The Words of Allah were a clear command: “O you who covers himself, arise and warn!” (Qur’an 74:1-2)

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) knew that they had a great task ahead of them. Nonetheless, they also knew that they needed to be careful – though simple, the message of Islam was also one that would be extremely difficult for their society to accept.

Belief in Allah alone, worshiping Him alone and without partners, was what every soul inclined towards, but the people of Makkah – and indeed, all of Arabia, and the world at large – had been so spiritually corrupted that they would react with anger and violence in response.

The logical thing to do, then, would be to first approach those whom they knew would most recognize the truth of the message. Even in the spiritual wasteland that was Makkah, there were individuals who stood apart as those who found themselves averse to idol-worship. Of those people were, of course, their own family –their children.

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and Khadijah gathered their daughters and spoke to them quietly of what had occurred – would they believe their father and worship their Lord with true sincerity and faith?

Without hesitation, Zaynab, Ruqayyah, Umm Kulthum, and even young Fatimah declared their belief in Allah as their only God, and Muhammad as His Messenger. Having grown up witnessing the excellence of their father’s character, and knowing within themselves that the idol worship around them was something they could never accept, they immediately accepted Islam.

Ali ibn Abi Talib and Zaid ibn al-Haarith, also members of Prophet Muhammad’s household, were also of the first people to say the shahaadah. They too had grown up watching him and Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her), whether it was when they would seek solitude for worship in the cave of Hiraa, or when they spent their daily lives trying to improve the world around them.The message that Muhammad (PBUH) came with was clear, simple, and rang true: how could they deny it?

Thus began the time of the ‘secret’ da’wah – when Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her), began to speak to those closest to them about the radically beautiful message of Tawheed (oneness of God).

In small, quiet gatherings in their homes, the first group of believers submitted themselves to their Lord, seeking His pleasure and living in obedience to Him. Abu Bakr, Lubabah bint al-Haarith, Bilal ibn Rabah, Sumayyah bint Khabbaab – these were just some of the earliest believers, those whose hearts were already inclined towards the truth, who found inward serenity and strength in their belief in Allah alone.

Meanwhile, , the great angel Jibreel) himself came to Muhammad (PBUH) to teach him: to reveal the Divine Guidance, to provide spiritual comfort, to purify himself physically and to rise, bow, and prostrate in the most perfect form of worship ever to be taught to humankind… and the first person to hear the words of Allah being recited in the voice of His Messenger, with his strength and faith, with his beauty and conviction, was Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her).

Noblewoman, Outcast, Queen: The Story of Khadijah (Part 4)

“Read!”

An otherworldly voice thundered, calling into Mount Hiraa’ – where Muhammad (PBUH) raised his head in shock and terror to bear witness to that which only a select few had ever seen before.

“Read!” Six hundred wings buffeted the horizon, fashioned from pure Noor (light), almost too beautiful and too overwhelming to look at directly.

“Read! Read, in the Name of your Lord!” A powerful command from above the seven heavens, impossible to resist, demanding submission from the most perfect of all Allah’s Creation, he who was created solely to obey and to guide others to obedience.

With these words brought from the Lord of the Worlds by His angelic messenger Jibreel (peace be upon him) to the most perfect of all creation, Muhammad ibn Abdullah was transformed into the Seal of Prophethood.

And yet… and yet, he was still human.

His entire body trembling with the weight of Divine Revelation, Prophet Muhammad sought sanctuary in the home and arms of his beloved. “Zammilooni, zammilooni!” he called out to Khadijah . “Cover me up!”

Immediately perceptive, Khadijah wrapped him in a cloak and held him until his shaking ceased. Desperately, he told her what had just transpired, his eyes dark with anxiety over his own sanity.

Khadijah’s steadiness never wavered. “No, by Allah!” she said fiercely. “Rejoice! Allah will never disgrace you, for you uphold the ties of kinship, you speak only the truth, you protect the poor and the destitute, host your guests with generosity, and support those who have been struck by calamity.”

Her words, though merely human and not divine, were both comforting and reassuring. Nor were her statements hollow – as the single person who knew Muhammad (PBUH) best, who lived with him during times of both ease and hardship, she spoke only with the utmost honesty.

It was Khadijah (May Allah be pleased with her) who took the initiative to seek further answers to the questions raised by this extraordinary incident. Who was the otherworldly creature? What was the meaning of his visit?

She knew that the best person to ask would be her elderly relative, Waraqah ibn Nawfal – the monotheistic scholar with whom she had previously studied. Despite his blindness and old age, his mind was as sharp as ever. Listening to Muhammad relate his story in detail, Waraqah nodded in recognition.

“Indeed, this is the same angel who used to visit Musa (peace be upon him),” he confirmed. “Would that I were stronger, and that I would live to see the day your people drive you out.”

“They would drive me out?” Muhammad (PBUH) questioned in disbelief. Waraqah nodded again. “Yes. Whomsoever has brought forward a message such as yours in the past was treated with hostility and hardship. Should I live to witness the day that you declare your Prophethood, I will be of those who stands with you and supports you.”

Muhammad (PBUH) himself could scarcely believe that he had been visited by the ethereal messenger of Allah; truthfully, he doubted his own sanity. Seeing the uncertainty in his eyes, Khadijah clasped his hands in her own and said, “I swear by Allah that you are the Messenger of Allah.”

Laa ilaaha illAllah, Muhammadun RasulAllah. (There is no God but Allah, Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah).

In a humble home in Makkah, between husband and wife, the nubuwwah (prophethood) was established upon the greatest man to ever live; first shahaadah was declared upon the tongue of one of the greatest women… and thus began a new era that would forever change the world.

Noblewoman, Outcast, Queen: The Story of Khadijah (Part 3)

Time passed, and the young man of twenty-five whom Khadijah married became a father of four daughters, adopted father to Zaid ibn Haarith– and increasingly sorrowful.

Khadijah and Muhammad (PBUH) were both witness to the raging violence of their society. Horrified, they held their daughters tightly as they saw others around them bury infant girls alive; with aching hearts, they watched women being abused, wars declared over petty tribalism, racism and classism used as excuses to enslave and torture those unable to defend themselves.

Though they did whatever they could to fight against the overwhelming oppression around them, they both felt a devastating weight on their consciences.

Entrusting in Khadijah’s efficient management of her business, Muhammad began to withdraw from society and seek solitude. Outside of the city’s vicious constraints, he ascended to the mountain that would later be known as Jabal Noor (the Mountain of Light), and began to seclude himself in the cave of Hiraa’.

Tears running down his cheeks silently, Muhammad (PBUH) turned to his Lord in anguish, seeking a salve to his broken heart.

Khadijah (May Allah be pleased with her) understood exactly what her husband was going through. She herself had spent time with scholarly relatives like Waraqah ibn Nawfal, questioning the bizarre ritual worship of idols, unsatisfied with polytheism and feeling her heart yearning towards Allah alone.

She too was sickened by the crimes committed on a daily basis by her own people; she too felt that there was something deeply wrong with the society in which she lived.

Wordlessly, Khadijah packed food, drink, and clothing and pressed them into her husband’s hands. She knew how desperately he needed the solitude of Hiraa’; indeed, there were times when she entrusted her children with the other adults in her household, and accompanied him.

Together, in a silence that held more love than any words ever could, Muhammad and Khadijah would worship their Lord, surrendering themselves to His Divine Wisdom.

Nonetheless, as a mother and a businesswoman, Khadijah  was aware of her other responsibilities and returned home. Ensuring that her husband was comfortable, she turned her attention to raising her daughters.

Zaynab, Ruqayyah, Umm Kulthum, and Fatimah (May Allah be pleased with them) were girls who embodied the best of their parents’ qualities: intelligence, compassion, excellence of character, and a purity of faith. Khadijah was determined to nurture her daughters into women of integrity, able to make their own decisions without being pressured or swayed by popular opinion.

Khadijah (May Allah be pleased with her) was a woman who was so much more than ‘just’ a wife or a mother. To her, there was no contradiction in running her company and ensuring its success, and in being a supportive wife and involved mother. Instead, the same principles, determination, and values that had made her such a prominent businesswoman were the same ones that guided her through marriage and motherhood.

Caring for her husband did not make her somehow weak or diminutive; financially supporting him did not make him inferior in her eyes, but was a choice she made freely and out of fierce love for the man whom she recognized as unlike any other she had ever met.

Loving Muhammad (PBUH) was the greatest thing that had ever happened to Khadijah– and he felt the same way about her. They supported each other in what was important to them, and they actively encouraged each other to seek out and do what was right. Together, they were the best version of themselves, not just towards each other but to all those around them.

In a partnership of minds and hearts, Khadijah and Muhammad  embodied what it meant to transform love into action… and for those actions to have the power to change the world.

Noblewoman, Outcast, Queen: The Story of Khadijah (Part 7)

For seven years, Muhammad (PBUH) dedicated every day of his life to calling his people – and strangers as well – to the message of Islam. For seven years, Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) stood at his side, worshipping Allah, teaching Islam, and enduring the suffering that was being inflicted upon every new Muslim.

Already, so much had befallen the Messenger of Allah and his fledgling Ummah: the mockery of Qurayshi society, labeling him a madman and a magician; the birth – and death – of a son, Abdullah; the constant torture of the most vulnerable Muslims, such as Sumayyah bint Khayyat and her family; the emigration of a significant number of believers, including Prophet Muhammad’s own daughter Ruqayyah and her husband, Uthmaan ibn Affaan.

Negotiations and assassination attempts were plotted against Muhammad (PBUH), and Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) was keenly aware of every difficulty and every challenge that her husband faced.

Prophet Muhammad and Khadijah remained steadfast and unwavering in their faith, and the Muslims around them drew inspiration from their strength. No matter how sustained the harassment or how intense the persecution, the believers refused to turn back on their religion. The pagans of Makkah grew steadily more frustrated and angrier. If physical torture and public humiliation of the individuals known to be Muslims would not deter Muhammad (PBUH) from his mission, they would have to resort to more creative methods.

In a society formed upon both social strata and economic placement, the Quraysh realized that they would need to put pressure on those two aspects of Muhammad’s life.

Banu Hashim and Banu Muttalib, the two clans related directly to Prophet Muhammad by blood, had already made clear that their tribal affiliations meant that they extended their support and protection to him. When they refused to back down from their position, the remaining tribes of Makkah banded together and lay down an ultimatum: either they surrender all support to Muhammad entirely, or they would suffer as a whole, Muslim or not.

Tribal pride ran deep and strong in Banu Hashim and Banu Muttalib, and they refused to accept the terms laid out by the rest of  Quraysh. The response came, swift and harsh: an immediate social and economic boycott of the two clans, compounded by exile to a barren area of land known as Shi’b Abi Talib.

In this moment, Khadijah’s life changed more drastically than it ever had before: not only had her social status been impacted dramatically, but now her financial status was as well. Once the greatest businesswoman of Makkah, admired for her acumen and sought after for her beauty, intelligence, and elite standing, Khadijah was now rendered destitute, homeless, and starving.

The exile and boycott were brutal: no one from Makkah was allowed to visit the exiles, not even if they were relatives; no food was permitted to pass through the area. When basic staple foods such as grain ran out, the exiles were forced to resort to eating leaves from the trees in order to keep from dying. The cries of starving children and weeping elders could be heard in Makkah itself, and yet the Quraysh refused to relent from their vile pact.

Now aged herself, in her early sixties, Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) nevertheless fought against the Quraysh and remained as spiritually strong as ever. Though her body weakened, her faith never did; her devotion to her Lord continued to shine from her eyes and lent fortitude to her limbs.

To her husband, to her daughters, to the Muslims around her, Khadijah provided ceaseless love and support. Her steadfastness in the face of adversity was both inspiration and comfort, a sign that one did not need to be the Prophet of Allah in order to exhibit such power of faith. Indeed, to the one who was the Messenger of Allah (PBUH), she was the source of constant reassurance and love.

Khadijah’s death

Three years of exile, however, took their toll. When the boycott was finally ended and Muhammad (PBUH) and his people were able to return to their homes in Makkah, the damage had been done. Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) had been rendered far too physically weakened by starvation and sickness.

In Ramadan of the tenth year of Muhammad (PBUH)’s prophethood, Khadijah bint Khuwaylid was chosen by Allah to return to Him.

Though the Messenger (PBUH) understood that every human being belongs to their Creator alone, he was still plunged into sorrow. He lost the woman who had, for twenty-five years, been the love of his life, the intellectual match to his sharp mind, the spiritual counterpart to his heart full of faith, the one whom he held and who held him in turn, and the mother of his children. The year of her death was forever known from then on as the Year of Grief.

Khadijah bint Khuwaylid was no ordinary person: she was the one whom Allah chose, above all others in existence, to marry the greatest of all His creation – Muhammad (PBUH). She was a woman whose role went far beyond merely that of a dutiful wife and mother; she was an individual imbued with truly extraordinary characteristics. Her intellect, her wisdom, her grace, her love, and beyond all else, her faith, set her apart from the entire world.

The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, “The best of the world’s women is Mary (in her lifetime), and the best of the world’s women is Khadijah (in her lifetime).” (Bukhari)

“Sufficient for you among the women of mankind are Mariam bint ‘Imran, Khadijah bint Khuwaylid, Fatimah bint Muhammad and Asiyah the wife of Fir’awn.” (Tirmidhi)

Forever after, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) never forgot the woman with whom he had spent the earliest days of marriage and fatherhood, the woman who had known him better than anyone else.

“Innee ruziqtu hubbahaa,” Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said solemnly. “Indeed, her love had been nurtured in my heart by Allah Himself.” (Muslim)

Truly, Khadijah bint Khuwaylid was the greatest woman who ever lived: a noblewoman of Quraysh, an outcast from Makkan society, and a queen of Paradise itself.

Noblewoman, Outcast, Queen: The Story of Khadijah (Part 6)

The first few months of the Da’wah – the call to Islam – were full of wonder and awe. The Divine Revelation came to Muhammad (PBUH) not only in Hiraa, but in the home of Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) herself: she was the first to hear the Words of Allah on the lips of His Messenger (PBUH), the first to prostrate herself at his side, the first to stand up in prayer behind him at night.

However, no Prophet or Messenger was sent to remain silent, or to keep his Message a secret from the masses. Though a small and dedicated group of believers had formed, devoted to Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), they were still a tiny minority – certain friends and family members who were already inclined to the truth, whose intellects had already questioned the poisoned beliefs and moral standards of their society.

After three years of quietly spreading the message of Tawheed (the Oneness of God), Allah revealed the following verse to His Messenger (PBUH):

{And warn, [O Muhammad], your closest kindred.} (Qur’an 26:214)

This was the command to announce Islam publicly, to declare it to his entire family – and to the Arab society at large. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was the first to obey his Lord, no matter what the command, and so he fulfilled it immediately. The moment was a dramatic one, and life-changing for both Prophet Muhammad and his Companions, especially Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her).

One day, Muhammad (PBUH) ascended the mountain of Safa and called out to all of Makkah: “Yaa Sabahaa! O Bani Fahr! O Bani ‘Adi!” Alarmed, the tribesmen of Quraysh assembled before him, wondering what it was that was so urgent that Muhammad, the man whom they trusted above all others, felt compelled to gather them in such a manner.

“If I were to tell you that there were some horsemen in the valley planning to raid you, would you believe me?” Prophet Muhammad asked. Bewildered and already tensing at the implied warning, the people of Makkah confirmed their trust in him.

“Then know that I am a warner to you all, of a severe torment!” The people were silenced by shock. Raising his voice further, Prophet Muhammad spoke the words of his message – calling them all to believe in and worship Allah alone, to abandon the filth that permeated their lives, the injustice that they inflicted so cruelly and casually upon each other.

As Khadijah, her daughters, and the existing believers watched, Muhammad’s voice rang out over the hills and valleys of Makkah, reciting the Divine Words of their Lord in a way that made the earth itself tremble.

Yet the hearts of the Quraysh were harder than rocks that were scattered across the desert in which they lived. In a matter of moments, they turned on the man whom they had adored for forty years, and proceeded to try and destroy him and the message with which he came.

And Life Has Changed Forever…
From that moment on, Khadijah’s life was changed irrevocably: from a noblewoman of Quraysh, from one of its most admired and formidable businesswomen, she was now a social pariah. Her husband was reviled by the elites of society amongst whom she used to mingle so easily; derided as a madman, a soothsayer, or a crazed poet, he was mocked mercilessly.

Khadijah bore the burden of verbal and physical abuse as well, and was subject to the humiliation that her entire society inflicted with a particular vengeance upon her household.

Khadijah’s three eldest daughters were married, and the people of Quraysh thought it would be particularly effective to try and destroy their lives as well. Marriages were considered an integral part of social politics, and they gleefully considered the ramifications it would have upon Muhammad’s family if they managed to break up his daughters’ marriages.

However, their plans backfired – Abu’l ‘Aas ibn Rabee’, the husband of Prophet Muhammad’s eldest daughter Zaynab, refused point-blank to divorce his wife, whom he loved dearly. Ruqayyah and Umm Kulthum, the younger daughters, were both married to sons of Abu Lahab, and were in fact divorced – but to their own relief, as their father- and mother-in-law were particularly venomous towards them.

Of course, Allah had something even better planned for them; shortly after, ‘Uthmaan ibn ‘Affaan – one of the greatest of Prophet Muhammad’s Companions, and one of the most modest, humble, and honest men of Makkah after Prophet Muhammad himself – proposed to Ruqayyah (may Allah be pleased with her). Thus, even in a time of trial and difficulty, there was still joy to be found.

But She Remains Strong
Despite it all, despite the agony of having to witness her loved ones publicly mocked and humiliated, despite experiencing her own sudden loss of social status and influence, Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) remained strong. Her faith was unshaken, and each increasingly difficult test merely reinforced her belief in Allah and fortified her character.

She was, after all, not a fickle woman – her heart and her intellect were both refined, and once she knew within herself the Divine Truth, she could accept nothing else. No matter what pain others tried to inflict on her and her family, she would never give them the satisfaction of seeing her give up.

To her daughters, to the vulnerable new Muslims, and to her husband, Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) was more than just a mother, a supporter, and a helper – she was a woman whose nobility shone at a time when her society cast her out. She spoke words of comfort and strength, provided a shoulder to lean on, and a heart to find joy in.

Khadijah was a woman unlike any other – a fact recognized not only by her husband and those around her, but by Allah and the angel Jibreel himself.

Once, as Jibreel visited the Messenger of Allah (PBUH), he paused and told Muhammad (PBUH), “Khadijah is approaching with food and drink. Convey to her salaam from Allah, the Most Glorious, and convey to her salaam from me, and give her glad tidings of a home in Paradise wherein there will be no loud noises or difficulty.”

“Allah Himself is as-Salaam, and peace comes from him. Salaam to Jibreel, the messenger of Allah. Salaam to you, and to all those listening, except for Shaytaan,” was Khadijah’s eloquent response… words as beautiful and full of wisdom as she herself.

Noblewoman, Outcast, Queen: Khadijah bint Khuwaylid (Part 2)

The marriage of Khadijah bint Khuwaylid to Muhammad ibn Abdullah (PBUH) was something unique to Qurayshi society.

Though it was not uncommon for widows and divorcees to remarry, there was still something very different about the older, wealthier, established woman choosing a young, impoverished merchant as her life partner.

Yet despite their outward differences of age and financial status, the two made a power couple unlike any other in Makkah.

Their marriage was more than a simple relationship – it was a partnership of true love and understanding, of a shared spiritual foundation based on belief and worship of the One True God, and a worldview that encompassed much more than their own household. What Muhammad (PBUH) and Khadijah (May Allah be pleased with her) shared was a true meeting of hearts and minds – and all of society benefited from it.

Muhammad (PBUH) was already known for his compassion towards the less privileged, as he was intimately familiar with their situations, and Khadijah was a woman of compassion as well as wealth.

Khadijah’s business thrived and flourished, due to both her excellent management as well as the barakah that accompanied Muhammad (PBUH) wherever he went.

The birth of their first daughter, Zaynab, was heralded with an influx of even more prosperity; immediately, they seized the opportunity to share it with those around them.

A Blessed Home

Although their household was growing steadily to encompass both Khadijah’s children from her previous marriages as well as their own four daughters, they never forgot that there were those around them who were less fortunate. Quietly, they ensured that widows and orphans were fed and clothed; that the poor and the needy would always find comfort at their doorstep.

It was quickly known that Khadijah’s home was more than just the residence of asSaadiq al-Ameen – it was also a place where no one seeking assistance would ever be turned away, or leave without a guarantee of security.

However, no marriage exists in a state of untroubled bliss. Though their four daughters were a source of joy for both Khadijah and Muhammad, they also experienced profound grief: the births and all-too-quick deaths of their two sons, al-Qaasim and Abdullah.

While other mothers sighed in exasperation at the antics of their toddlers, Khadijah found herself cradling her sons only long enough to lower them into their graves. She never heard their first words, the sound of their delighted laughter a memory that faded far too quickly.

Tracing the outline of their father’s features on their tiny faces, Khadijah mourned that she would never watch them grow into men as handsome, strong, and faithful as her beloved husband.

As a young father who adored his children, Muhammad (PBUH) was devastated each time. Yet with every passing year and test, Khadijah’s beauty – both inward and outward – simply deepened.

Witnessing her strength and dignity even at the greatest loss a mother could bear, Muhammad (PBUH) found himself falling in love with her even more deeply. Grief revealed just how profound her trust in Allah was; faith as pure and impenetrable as a diamond forged from the darkest of tests.

Husband and wife, mother and father, true believers in the One True God – Muhammad (PBUH) and Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) held each for comfort in the depths of the night, their tears mingling as they sought solace from Allah.

Love in the Time of Quraysh

Love is a powerful theme that features throughout history, with the power to launch a thousand ships or destroy a country. Zainab, daughter of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is an example of the strength of love and a Muslim woman’s patience and courage.

Although her story does not feature as prominently in Islamic history as some other companions such as her mother, Khadijah, or her step-mother A’ishah, she experienced one of the most difficult struggles faced by Muslim women: the battle between true love and spiritual conviction.

Zainab bint Muhammad (PBUH) was the oldest child of Muhammad ibn Abdullah (PBUH) and Khadijah bint Khuwaylid (may Allah be pleased with her), born ten years before her father’s prophethood. Raised by the man known as as-Saadiq al-Ameen (the truthful and the trustworthy), and the woman famed throughout Makkah for her integrity of character and business acumen, Zainab grew to be a young woman who internalized the best of her parents’ qualities.

Zainab (may Allah be pleased with her) married her maternal cousin Abu’l ‘Aas ibn Rabee’ before the onset of her father’s prophethood. They loved each other dearly, and their marriage was one of the happiest in all of Makkah.

The first year of Muhammad’s Prophethood was a difficult one for Zainab. She instantly believed in her father’s Divine Message, but unfortunately, Abu’l ‘Aas refused to accept Islam.

“How can you not believe in him?” Zainab asked, confused. “You know that he is as-Saadiq al-Ameen, the most honest and trustworthy!”

Abu’l ‘Aas admitted that it was fear of the people of Makkah that held him back from believing in the Messenger of Allah. “What will the people say about me? They will say, ‘he betrayed his tribe and his forefathers to please his wife!’”

For Zainab, whose love for her husband was matched only by the love for her father, this was a terrible blow.

Abu’l ‘Aas, wracked with guilt but unwilling to fight the collective anger of Quraysh, begged his wife, “Will you not excuse me and understand my situation?” Her heart aching with longing that her husband would understand and accept the spiritual purity of Islam, Zainab answered, “Who will excuse you and understand you if I don’t? I will remain at your side until you understand the truth.”

Years passed, and as the intensity of opposition towards Islam grew, so did Zainab’s grief at how her father and the early Muslims were treated. Her husband protected her from the punishment that the rest of her family faced, but it could not assuage the emotional pain.

Eventually, the command came from above the seven heavens that it was time for Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) to make hijrah to Madinah. Zainab was faced with the first, and one of the most difficult tests that she would have to go through. How could she choose between her father, the Messenger of Allah, and her husband, her one true love?

When she received permission from her father to stay in Makkah, her relief that she would not have to abandon her husband was coupled with the sorrow of having to part with her father, her sisters, and the remaining Muslims. Once again, despite being sheltered by her husband, Zainab felt the painful isolation of being the only Muslim living in Makkah.

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The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) had emigrated to Medinah with the remaining members of his young Ummah… except for his daughter, Zainab. She had asked permission to stay behind in Makkah with her husband, Abu’l ‘Aas ibn Rabee’, who had sworn his loyalty and protection to her, and whom she could not bear to part with. For a little while, life was stable and, if not ideal, at least somewhat peaceful.

Soon enough, however, rumors of war began to spread. Within months, the Quraysh gathered a huge force and marched onto Badr – with Abu’l ‘Aas ibn Rabee’ amongst their ranks.

Tears streaming down her face, Zainab cried out to her Lord, “O Allah, I fear one day the sun may rise and my children become orphans, or that I will lose my father!”

When news of the Muslims’ victory at Badr came to Makkah, Zainab feared the worst. Was her father hurt? Was her husband dead? She soon learned that Abu’l ‘Aas had been captured as a prisoner of war. Overwhelmed with relief, but realizing that his fate was in the hands of the Muslims, she quickly decided to pay a ransom for his return. Wisely, she chose a wedding gift from her mother, Khadijah, and sent it to Madinah.

When Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received the ransom for Abu’l ‘Aas, he immediately recognized what his daughter had sent. Instantly, he was flooded with memories of his wife Khadijah, and his hands trembled with emotion as his Companions watched him in surprise.

Recovering himself, the Messenger of Allah turned to his Companions and asked, “Do you agree to this ransom?” Understanding that their Prophet wanted nothing more than to make his daughter happy, the companions readily agreed.

Before Abu’l ‘Aas returned to Madinah, Prophet Muhammad took him aside and quietly informed him that a command had come from above the seven heavens: Allah decreed that no Muslim woman was allowed to remain with her non-Muslim husband. Abu’l ‘Aas promised to send Zainab to Madinah, and left for Makkah.

Zainab’s joy at seeing her husband return safely was made bittersweet by the knowledge that she now had a great choice to make: obey Allah’s order and be reunited with her father and sisters, or defy her Lord’s command and remain with her beloved husband.

As difficult as the test was, for Zainab there was only one real option. How could she disobey Allah and risk His Anger, when all that truly mattered was His Pleasure?

Abu’l ‘Aas knew that it was time to fulfill his promise to The Prophet, but the pain of having to send his wife away was too great for him to take her himself. Instead, he had his brother, Kinaanah ibn Rabee’, to escort her to Madinah.

When Kinaanah and Zainab began to head for the outskirts of Makkah, the Quraysh understood what was happening. Angry and resentful from their bitter defeat at Badr, some of the young men of Quraysh refused to let their enemy’s daughter leave so easily.

Led by a man named Habaar ibn al-Aswad, they quickly overtook the two travelers and attacked them. A spear struck Zainab’s camel, and in its agony, threw her from her saddle. She fell to the ground, and the sight of blood soaking her skirts confirmed that she had just lost the child she carried in her womb.

Realizing that not only had his sister-in-law been attacked, but that she had just suffered a miscarriage, Kinaanah knelt before her, nocked an arrow to his bow, and threatened, “By Allah, any man who approaches will do so with an arrow in his chest!”

The young men of Quraysh withdrew sullenly, slowly and painfully, Zainab and Kinaanah returned to Makkah. Abu Sufyan ibn Harb, a prominent leader amongst the Quraysh, and Zainab’s grand-uncle, came to quietly advise Kinaanah. “It is still too soon after our defeat at Badr for you to leave with this woman so publically. By Allah, we have nothing to gain by keeping her from her father and no revenge to be had, but if you travel so openly, it will be said that we have become weak. Wait a while, and then leave in secret.”

They waited long enough for Zainab to heal from her ordeal before embarking once again towards Madinah. This time, they were met with no opposition, and found Zaid ibn Harithah waiting for them on the outskirts of Makkah. As quickly as possible, Zainab followed Zaid ibn Harithah towards Madinah… and her father, the Messenger of Allah (PBUH).

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Weary, wounded, and heart-sore, Zainab bint Muhammad finally arrived in Madinah, to the overwhelming joy of the Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings be upon him), who rejoiced at the return of his eldest daughter. Zainab herself found comfort in being reunited with her father and sisters, but though her injuries had healed outwardly, the emotional ones took longer to fade away.

No one could take the place of Abu’l ‘Aas in her heart, and she spent her days quietly in the worship of Allah, begging Him to bring her husband back to her and guide him towards Islam.

Sometime later, Abu’l ‘Aas embarked on a journey with a merchant caravan, which was subsequently raided by a Muslim military unit. Once again a prisoner of the Muslim army, Abu’l ‘Aas was marched back to Madinah.

Zainab heard the news, and excited at the prospect of being reunited with her beloved, resolved once more to take action on his behalf.

Early one morning, the adhaan for salatul Fajr had been called, and the Muslims of Madinah were gathered behind The Prophet (PBUH) in preparation for prayer. Stepping forward amongst the lines of women, Zainab called out clearly, “O people! I have granted sanctuary to Abu’l ‘Aas ibn Rabee’!”

Stunned, the people remained silent and began their prayer. When the prayer was over, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) turned to the congregation and asked, “Have you all heard what I heard?”

They all nodded in confirmation.

The messenger of Allah  continued, “In the Name of the One in Whose Hands my soul is, I knew nothing of this until I heard what you heard. Every Muslim has the right to grant sanctuary, and have it honored by all Muslims.”

Abu’l ‘Aas was released into Zainab’s custody, but they were both warned that as they were no longer considered husband and wife by the Shari’ah, they had to keep their distance from each other.

In the meantime, Prophet Muhammad gathered the wealth that the Muslims had captured from Abu’l ‘Aas’ caravan and informed them, “I know of nothing but good from my son-in-law; he has never broken an oath and he has never lied. Will you agree to return his wealth to him?”

Eager to please their Messenger, the Companions agreed and Abu’l ‘Aas was given everything which he had in possession at the time of his capture.

The only thing Zainab wanted now was for her beloved to accept Islam and be her husband once again. She beseeched him constantly, but just as before, he quietly refused. With tears in her eyes, Zainab watched Abu’l ‘Aas pack his belongings and leave for Makkah. It was as though her heart was breaking all over again, as she watched the only man she had ever loved leave her for a third time.

Unbeknownst to her, Abu’l ‘Aas went to Makkah for only one purpose. He swiftly distributed the property he had on him to its rightful owners, and ensured that nothing stayed with him that did not belong to him.

“O people of Quraysh!” he announced in the public square. “Have I withheld the property or goods from you, that you entrusted me with?”

They all confirmed that they had received their property and that they trusted him fully.

“Then I declare Laa ilaaha illAllah, Muhammadun RasulAllah!” Liberated, he continued, “By Allah, nothing stopped me from accepting Islam in Madinah except that I feared you would believe that I became Muslim only to steal your money. Now that it has been returned to you, I am free to declare my Islam.”

Without delay, overwhelmed with excitement to be rejoined with the love of his life, Zainab, one final time, Abu’l ‘Aas returned to Madinah.

Breathless from the exertions of his journey, Abu’l ‘Aas immediately approached The Prophet and declared not only his Islam, but his desire to be Zainab’s husband once more.

Smiling, Prophet Muhammad took Abu’l ‘Aas to Zainab’s house so that he could ask her himself. The expression of delirious, joyous love on her face was all the answer they needed…

Epilogue

Zainab bint Muhammad (PBUH) spent the remainder of her life in Madinah with her husband, Abu’l ‘Aas, and her two children – Umamah, her daughter, and Ali, her son. Umamah was the first of The Prophet’s grandchildren, and deeply beloved to him.

Abu Qatadah narrates a hadith found in Bukhaari and Muslim that Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) used to take Umamah bint Abi’l ‘Aas to the masjid with him, and lead the prayers while carrying her.

A’ishah narrates that one day, The Prophet (PBUH) received a gold necklace unlike anything they had every seen before. All the wives of The Prophet were gathered in one house, and Umamah was a young girl playing in the sand next to the house.

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) asked his wives, “What do you think of this necklace?” They all replied that it was amazing and unlike anything they had seen before.

He then said, “I will put it on the neck of the one most beloved to me from Ahlul Bayt (his family).”

A’ishah says that “the world became dark” (she was afraid that he would give it one of his other wives rather than her,” and she was sure that the other wives felt the same.

He then called for Umamah and placed the jewelry around her neck, leaving everyone satisfied and happy.

(Al-Haythami in Al-Mujma’)

This was not the only time that he singled her out for gifts. At one time, an-Najaashi sent many precious gifts, amongst them gold rings and precious stones from Abyssinia. Using a stick (or his fingers), The Prophet touched them and called Umamah and told her “Beautify yourself with this, my daughter.”

Zainab bint Muhammad (PBUH) died in the seventh year after the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah, leaving behind her grief-stricken husband and her two children, Ali and Umamah.

After her death, they were both raised in the household of Allah’s Messenger and cared for by their aunt, Fatimah (May Allah be pleased with her). After the deaths of The Prophet, Fatimah, and eventually their father Abu’l ‘Aas as well, they were placed under the guardianship of azZubair ibn al-Awwaam. It is said that Ali ibn Abu’l ‘Aas was martyred in the Battle of Yarmouk; as for Umamah, she grew up to marry Ali ibn Abi Talib, during the khilaafah of Umar ibn al-Khattab.

Advisor to the Head of State: Umm Salamah

WOMEN IN POLITICS is a touchy subject – not just among Muslims, but even among non-Muslims. The Western world has had only a handful of female political leaders and their governments have only relatively recently included more female politicians, with sexism remaining rampant. In the Muslim world, centuries of culture have perpetuated the idea that women are unfit for the public sphere, let alone the political –and while there are countries such as Bangladesh and Pakistan which have had female leaders, the participation of women in politics remains an ongoing struggle.

The involvement of women in politics has been frowned upon by many Muslims, justified with the use of the following ḥadîth:

Never will a people be successful who give their leadership to a woman. (Bukhâri)

While the commonly taught meaning of this ḥadîth is to prohibit women from being heads of state, Sh. Muhammad Akram Nadwi shared another understanding of it:

The full story is that the Prophet ﷺ sent a letter of daʿwah to the Persian king, Kisra (Chosroes/Khosrow), who tore up the letter. In response, the Prophet ﷺ made duʿâ’ that his empire be torn up just as he tore up the letter. Shortly after, Kisra died, and his daughter was elected the ruler. When the Prophet ﷺ heard the news, he made the remark that is so well known today:

Never will a people be successful who give their leadership to a woman. (Bukhâri)

However, what is not taken into consideration is that he was remarking very specifically about the nation of Kisra – that they (a people who had made a woman their leader) would never be successful, not because their leader was a woman, but because the Prophet ﷺ had made duʿâ’ for their entire empire to be destroyed.

Specifying “a people… who give their leadership to a woman” was merely referring to the people of Kisra, whom (it appears) were unique at the time for having a female leader. Thus, it must be understood that the hadith of Abû Bakrah is not a blanket statement to be used for preventing women from having any positions of authority, but rather, a specific statement aimed at a specific nation.

Putting aside the issue of heads of state, however, the fact remains that any involvement of women in the political arena is very often frowned upon. It is considered to be a near-transgression, a crossing of boundaries from the domestic domain to the public sphere. This attitude, however, did not exist at the time of the Prophet ﷺ. Indeed, his wives – the Mothers of the Believers themselves – were themselves very involved in their society, not just as generous philanthropists or spiritual examples, but as politically aware individuals.

Umm Salamah is one of the Ummahât Al-Mu‘minîn (Mothers of the Believers) who played a pivotal role in Islam’s political history. Known as a narrator of Ḥadîth and a jurist, Umm Salamah demonstrated her knowledge, intelligence, and wisdom on many occasions – but most notably, during the time that the Treaty of Ḥudaybiyah was signed between the Prophet ﷺ and the people of Quraysh.

The context surrounding the treaty is imperative to know: it was the 6th year of hijra, after the major battles against the Quraysh had been fought. The Muslims were now a powerful force in Madinah, although Makkah had not yet been conquered. After the battles of Badr, Uḥud, Khandaq and Aḥzâb, the Muslims were in a position of power and authority that they had never since experienced… yet up until that moment, none of them had been able to return to Makkah to make the sacred pilgrimages. Their hearts, and the heart of the Prophet most of all, longed to go to the Sacred Sanctuary and witness the Kaʿbah with their own eyes again, to perform Hajj and Umrah in complete devotion to Allah.

One morning, the Prophet ﷺ woke up, his face shining with joy. He had had a dream: He had seen his Companions shaving their heads, emerging from the state of Iḥrâm (a state of sacrosanct consecration). The dreams of the Prophets are a type of revelation, and always come true – thus he and his Companions knew that this would certainly come to pass. Overwhelmed with happiness, over a thousand Saḥâba, male and female, gathered together with their sacrificial animals, unarmed in accordance to the laws of Iḥrâm, and proceeded towards Makkah… what was still, at yet, considered enemy territory.

A caravan as large as theirs was impossible to keep secret or undetected, and as soon as the Quraysh heard of their intentions, a military unit was sent to block their way. The Prophet ﷺ averted their path, seeking to enter through another way, and the entire Muslim congregation found themselves at the plains of Hudaybiyyah. At that moment, the camel upon which the Prophet rode – Al-Qaswâ’ – stopped, knelt, and refused to move. In vain, the Prophet and the Saḥâba tried to get the camel to move, but to no avail.

It was then that the Prophet realized that there was a much greater reason behind this than his steed’s weariness. “The One Who prevented the elephants from entering Makkah is the One who has prevented Qaswâ’ from doing so,” he informed them.

The Makkans, convinced that the Muslims were ready to attack them, sent another delegation to the Muslims, and ʿUthmân ibn ʿAffân was sent back with them to explain the situation and to negotiate an agreement. During that time, rumors spread and it was believed that ʿUthmân had been killed; immediately after that, the momentous occasion of Bayʿat Al-Riḍwân took place – the oath of allegiance to the Prophet ﷺ.

Umm Salamah was one of them, and as such, one of those promised Paradise, as per the words of the Prophet:

None of those who swore allegiance under the tree will enter Hell. [Musnad Aḥmad (3/350) No. 14820, Sunan Abû Dâwûd (2/624) No. 4653, Sunan Al-Tirmidhi (5/695) No. 3860, Al-Tirmidhi said, This ḥadîth is Ṣaḥiḥ]

Other events occurred, all of which led to an increasingly fraught situation; eventually, the Prophet ﷺ and the leaders of Quraysh began to speak and negotiate the terms of their entry into Makkah. The Quraysh spoke with arrogance: Their first condition was that the Muslims immediately return to Madinah, without having ever stepped into the Sacred City; even their return the next year would be limited to three days. With those words, the hearts of the Muslims broke; they had sacrificed so much and gone through so much to fulfill the dream of the Prophet, to experience the deep spiritual fulfillment of Umrah. Yet the Prophet agreed to this condition, and to the others stipulated by the Quraysh, and so the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah was signed. His heart heavy, but with the knowledge that this was what was required, the Prophet ﷺ commanded his Ṣaḥâba to sacrifice their animals and shave their heads.

For the first time ever, the Muslims were in a state of emotional distress and devastation. For the first time ever, the true believers of Islam found themselves in a position where they objected to the actions of their Messenger. And for the first time ever, the Prophet ﷺ found himself in a situation where those most beloved to him, the earliest of Muslims and the most dedicated to Islam, were refusing to follow his command. His face red with anger and sorrow, the Prophet entered the tent of Umm Salamah.

Fully equipped with the understanding of what had taken place, Umm Salamah’s brilliant mind immediately knew how to solve this deeply troubling dilemma. “Sacrifice your animal and shave your head,” she told her husband, the Messenger of Allah. “And you will find that they will obey.”

These words, so few and yet so deep, were what saved the nascent Muslim nation from an ominous disaster. Umm Salamah was a woman well acquainted with the Ṣaḥâba and the state of the Ummah; she understood their emotions, and knew of their devotion to their Messenger.

If she had been a woman who lived only in her own home and tended only to her own household affairs, she would not know this, but this one sentence alone is clear evidence that she was a person who interacted with her society on a daily basis. It is only by being fully aware and up to date with the social and political affairs of the community that one could ever have such insight into why people behave the way they do. Nor can one hope to provide a practical and effective solution to such complex matters of state and religion without knowing exactly what kind of people are engaged in those matters.

When the Prophet ﷺ emerged from his tent in silence, his Companions watched in increasing humility and embarrassment as he sacrificed his hady and shaved his head. Overwhelmed by the realization of their rebellion, and in grief that they had displeased their Messenger in such a severe manner, they immediately followed his lead, thus proving that Umm Salamah’s words were truly that of a brilliant stateswoman, a wise adviser, and a wife who was able to support and assist her husband in the manner he needed most.  Not as someone to sleep in his bed or cook his food, but someone who could provide the most judicious of solutions in the most fraught of times. In a situation tense with emotion and political implications, Umm Salamah’s foresight was what protected the entire Muslim Ummah from a civil war. Without her intelligence and political acumen, a difficult situation would have become even worse. And that, in and of itself, is a clear evidence that the Ummah cannot grow, be healthy, and overcome the greatest of tragedies without the active engagement, involvement, and education of Muslim women.

Unfortunately, in most retellings of the Sîrah and biographies of Umm Salamah, this historically crucial moment is given only a few moments of attention. Umm Salamah’s role is typically framed in a decidedly domestic manner: Often portrayed along the lines of a weary, harried husband coming home from work –his patient, wise, maternal wife hearing him out, and giving him a helpful suggestion that surprisingly actually worked. It is this revisioning of women as not being politically important and respected figures that is problematic. Let us pause for a moment and think about it a little more to understand just how little acknowledgement women are given for their involvement.

Imagine if the Prophet ﷺ had chosen to go to Abû Bakr and spoken to him about the matter. Undoubtedly, it would have been seen as a type of political counsel, an example of Abû Bakr displaying his political acumen and understanding of complex matters of state. This is not, however, how Umm Salamah  is portrayed. It is telling how language is used to describe women’s roles, engagement,  and  involvement. Imagine if we spoke of Umm Salamah as a political analyst, as a woman who was deeply in touch with the currents of public opinion, who could step back from the situation and see the Prophet not just as her husband who was hurting emotionally, but as a leader struggling with a sensitive matter of state!

Her advice was not that of a woman removed from society, but the analysis of an individual  keenly aware of the political state of the Ummah. Umm Salamah’s words did not come from a place of isolation, but of engagement  and  involvement. Beyond that one moment was clearly an entire history of her place within society – not as a woman relegated to the domestic sphere alone, but an active member of the community.

Nor was Umm Salamah an anomaly or an exception. Ḥafṣah bint ʿUmar, another one of the Ummahât Al-Mu‘minîn, was an influential political adviser to her father ʿUmar ibn Al-Khaṭṭâb  when he was caliph. Umm Al-Banîn bint ʿAbd Al-ʿAzîz, the sister of the famous ʿUmar ibn ʿAbd Al-ʿAzîz, is known for a scathing speech she inflicted upon one of the most feared figures of her time – Al-Ḥajjâj ibn Yûsuf. Nana Asma’u, the daughter of the famous Dan Fodio of Nigeria, played a powerful role in the Sokoto caliphate of Africa. Pari Khan Khanum, a Persian princess, was assassinated due to her political acumen and position as one of the Safavid Empire’s key players.

These were all great Muslim women who played strong political roles in the Ummah –not by merely sitting on the sidelines and murmuring demure “suggestions” in the ears of their husbands and fathers, but by being active, involved, and engaged in their societies, aware of political tensions and nuances, and unhesitating in speaking up. These women were driven by a sense of spiritual responsibility, knowing that Allah had given them insight, and that they too carried the obligation of bettering their societies.

When we recognize that Muslim women have as valuable a role to play in the political arena, and that the Ummah will only benefit from the contributions of spiritually conscious and socially aware Muslim women, we will begin to see significant change in our currently deplorable state. Muslim men and women alike have much to learn from the history of Umm Salamah and the many other women who have pushed our Ummah to greatness – and it is in their footsteps that we should seek to build ourselves up again. The forgotten heroines of the past are the people whose example will inspire and galvanize the heroes and heroines of generations to come.